“My legs… they feel dead,” Julia groans and grabs a hold of the camera-man’s arm, surprising him more than the rest of us at her exhaustion. We have been going on a long, long, long hike for Good Sister and though we have come home and washed up and rested a bit, the decision to go to the grocery store seems like a bad idea only when we are in the grocery store. Julia, Kyungho and I have spent hours going on a hike and playing games since early in the morning, and for lunch we have decided to cook (Julia decided to cook) and for that we have gone to buy ingredients and maybe some Saturday snacks. I put my arm around Julia’s arm to let her lean on me instead of the camera-man, and to then ask what more she needs. Kyungho is running around with the shopping cart, again having energy after resting for half an hour. Unbelievable, if you ask me, because my legs are a bit shaky by the thought that we still have to practice after lunch. “What’s that?” I hear Kyungho’s voice and I look over to see where he has gone to. He is standing by a woman who is offering samples of something; the question he asked was not for us, it was for her. The woman tells him what it is though I can’t hear what she says but before I can make up my mind whether to go over there or keep shopping with Julia, Kyungho comes over to us with two tooth pickers and some cheese on top. “Ahjumma said this is delicious,” Kyungho tells us and holds out the two samples for me and Julia. “Oh my, what a well-raised boy,” the ahjumma says from the sample stand. Kyungho looks happy when going back to her, asking for another one to him, while Julia and I thank the ahjumma and tastes the cheese. It has a bit too much flavour for me but Julia seems to love it right away as she walks over to talk to the ahjumma about what it is we just tasted. Kyungho says it’s good after tasting it, but I am smiling at the camera that caught his face-expression before Kyungho leaves to go find another sample stand a few meters away. I go with him as I am not as enthusiastic as Julia about the sample we just tried. “Ahjumma, what is this?” Kyungho asks.

 

He surely does not hesitate to ask when he is curious of something. “This is our best brand’s new yoghurt,” the ahjumma starts her selling story while handing out a little cup each for us to taste. Okay, this one is more of the taste suited for me and Kyungho: it suits children. “I got the taste of a child,” I tell Julia as we keep wandering around the grocery store. “If Emelia was here, she would say you have always had the taste of a child and will keep having it,” Julia tells me, “While for me, I think you’ll grow out of it. You could start with coffee.” I give her a grimace. “You should stop with coffee,” I point out. “Caffeine is addicting, you know.” “You know caffeine is in your favourite Cola, right?” “Hush now,” I pat her shoulder to wave it off and Julia laughs. “And when it comes to tea…” “It’s bland, tea,” I comment. “Kyungho likes it. Right, Kyungho?” “What?” he turns around, not knowing what we are talking about and I wave him off. “He says he likes coffee too,” I tell Julia, “Which he doesn’t.” “Kyungho, do you like coffee?” Julia sounds surprised and this time, Kyungho actually heard it. He stops walking for us to catch up to him. “I love it,” he says and I giggle because I can read that tone he uses. Julia laughs too, out of joy. “You two could be related,” she says and points at me. I find it sudden because Kyungho just told her he likes coffee, and she knows I don’t even like the smell of coffee so I don’t understand at all. “You both are such bad liars.” Her final words make me laugh quite a lot and Kyungho says he isn’t lying. I do hope I am a better liar than him because Kyungho is awful. “The big wonder is how the two of you can be so good at acting but so bad at lying,” Julia is talking to no one special as she keeps walking. Kyungho is pouting at me. “I am not a bad liar,” he points out. “That is exactly what Hannah says,” Julia laughs. I laugh too as I put my hand on Kyungho’s head to ruffle it before we walk after Julia. “You’re a bad liar, I’m not,” Kyungho tells me. “Don’t get so upset over it,” I smile at him, “I am a great liar; they just haven’t caught the good ones.” This time it is Kyungho who grimaces at me. “Nuna, I know every time you lie.” I don’t think he does, but he catches my moods very easily. I pat his head again, saying “sure you do”, which makes him laugh and he pushes me before he runs away, running past Julia and almost knocking a camera-man over, and I start running after him. To my surprise, Julia runs with us. We use the grocery store as a labyrinth, not running fast but we are chasing each other and Kyungho screams constantly because whenever he sees someone from the camera-crew he is scared it is Julia or me and it makes him scream: Which makes us know where he is all the time. An older couple is smiling at us when I spot them and I turn around to apologize for making so much noise, but a few meters later I see a woman who does not look pleased with the ruckus we are creating so I round the corner, catches Kyungho around the waist and while laughing I make the two of us bow to the woman and apologize for her too by making so much noise. Then I force Kyungho to stop running by holding on to his shoulders, and we find Julia pretending she has not been running around at all and she is talking about ingredients and what not. “Ladies…” The sound of our manager makes me turn around with a grimace, still holding on to Kyungho’s shoulders so he turns around with me, laughing. Manager Lee looks a bit annoyed, which I heard on the way he said ‘ladies’. “If you keep this pace up you won’t have time to eat lunch,” he reminds us of the time. Kyungho gives out a whine and Julia says we are almost done before dashing off to get the final ingredients. Julia is fast when being reminded by our manager, she does the rest of the shopping and packing and then it is Kyungho and I who carry the grocery bags. Julia took two first but I took them from her, and Kyungho carries one too, and like that we head home for her to cook us lunch. Carolina crawls out from her bedroom when lunch is done and after that, Kyungho heads to work and we head to practice. Cameras come with us to continue the filming. Though our crew is in Japan, we continue practicing in Korea. It is a little over two weeks left and we still haven’t fixed the set list. I think we change it every day still, but we can practice the songs to be sure we know the Japanese lyrics, choreography and most of all, that we are in synch. I don’t know what happens with time, but suddenly we have practiced for over five hours and we take a break to eat dinner. Dinner is ordered food that we sit down to eat in the practice-room, as we are still chatting about the arena tour. Maria is distant on her phone most of the time though so I pick up my own phone, writing a text message to Kyungho to check in on him, writing one to Taeyeon and then I write one to Jonghyun. I think about it while I write to him, knowing we don’t talk much and things are too weird between us but I still write to him. I think of writing to him all the time, to tell him about my day and ask about his, to ask these things we always talked about and … and just be us. But I haven’t written to him because we aren’t us, yet right now I can’t help myself because I put a good sentence it the text message and that is what I have had trouble doing earlier as I can’t form the text messages in a good way as I just want to let everything out to him. He writes back way too fast and I feel such joy in it; too much joy. But his answer is short so I pout. “I’m ready,” Maria says as she gets up, throwing her phone on the sofa. “We’re starting from the beginning again?” Returning to practice, I write quickly back to Jonghyun, upset over his short answer and lack of everything. When I put away my phone and get ready to practice I am not really sure of what I wrote to him, my mind plays tricks on me again even if it is a small one. Maybe I didn’t even send it? My mind tells me I wrote ‘I’m going to meet Henrik next time I go to Sweden to try get you out of my mind again, wish me luck ;)’. Could I really have written that? I try to grab my phone when we re-do the song, but I don’t have time to get it before the song starts anew and I have to hurry to my position. And then I forget about the text message as we are talking choreography and positions. Two hours later I pick up my phone to see how it is going for Kyungho, just to see a few text messages from Jonghyun and a missed phone call. I remember when he used to call seven and eight times when I didn’t pick up, now it is just one missed call. But when I read the text messages, I know why there is only one. Jonghyun wrote ‘what do you mean with that?’ and in the last one he wrote ‘call me when you have time to meet without the cameras around’. It takes a few confused seconds before I know he must be here because I never told him we are being filmed. “I’m going to make a call,” I mutter to the others. We have taken a break, so no one mind me leaving and as soon as I am through the doors I call Jonghyun. After a few signals he picks up. “Why do you want to meet?” “Can you come to Studio A?” Jonghyun asks on the phone. “Why?” I ask with a pout, now sure why he wants to meet me in the studio. “Please come to the studio, I’ll be waiting.” And then he hangs up. I glare at my phone, wondering if I should ignore it and head back to the practice-room or wondering if I will have time to go to the studio for a few minutes. Knowing my ladies, I am in no hurry. My feet lead me to the studio where Park Hyekyung always is, but right now it is just Jonghyun here. I enter the room and close it behind me, leaning my back against the door and I just look at him. Kim Jonghyun. He looks comfortable sitting on a chair by the computer, looking like he has been working on a song and he looks deadly gorgeous when he looks up at me while taking his hand through his hair. That one move makes it difficult for me to keep strength in my legs. “You texted me,” he says, “Why did you write that?” “What do you mean?” I ask, knowing exactly what I wrote as I have checked it countless of times on my way here, and I hold on to the doorknob behind my back tightly as if I need something to tell me I need to keep some distance from Jonghyun or I will fall. I hate being alone with him, because there are so many things going on between us that I m getting frustrated just seeing him. And to see him look at me now, how he eyes me up and down and how he probably can read me based on how I am holding on to the doorknob… He knows me better than anyone, and I wonder if he is taking as much notice of my body language as I take notice of his. “What do I mean,” Jonghyun repeats and he smiles, looking at his hand on the table. Or he looks at his phone by his fingers. I’m not sure, but I know he doesn’t like my answer. It is the phone he looks at because he taps his finger on it when glancing back at me. “Are you going to sleep with him because of me?” That was direct. It hurts hearing him say it though and I look down at the floor to not see how it hurts for him to say it, and I drag out on what to answer as I let his words and tone sink in to me. I had written to Jonghyun that I will meet Henrik next time I go to Sweden because I can’t forget about Jonghyun. “Don’t do that.” I grimace at his words and look up at him. “Don’t do what?” “Don’t do bad things because of me,” Jonghyun says. “Because you’re not?” I mutter. Has he had with someone else these months away from each other? He breathes in slowly, deeply, and I wonder if he is getting frustrated at me. I my lips and pout slightly at him, showing I am a bit frustrated too. “Could you … try, a little, and … I don’t know, not have with anyone? Or be too close to anyone?” he asks with a frown, “Just … for a while?” “Why? What does it matter to you what I do with my body?” I ask him. I am awful to him and I close my eyes in regret of what I just said. “I’m sorry,” I say with my eyes shut, not trusting myself to speak correctly if I look at him. “Don’t do things because of me,” Jonghyun tells me, “Not- Don’t be with him.” Don’t be with him. Who should I be with then? Jonghyun doesn’t want to let me go and it frustrates me as I know it. “Who are you with?” I ask, “Do you have someone?” “No.” “No. Why?” “I don’t want anyone.” What does that mean? Jonghyun looks frustrated when I just look at him. What does that mean? I don’t want anyone. I don’t want anyone but him. Is that what he means? He doesn’t want anyone but me? Is that what it means? “I don’t want anyone either,” I tell him slowly, grimacing as he focuses his eyes on me. “Then why meet … Henrik?” I like the way he pronounces the name, but I don’t smile at him, instead it gets harder to smile as I just feel sad. “Who cares? I met him for fun and if I meet him again it will be for fun.” That look on his face reminds me of when he got pissed off at Christmas. My pocket starts vibrating. “Don’t be with him, Hannah,” Jonghyun asks of me. I pick up my phone; seeing it is Emelia calling and I slide my finger over the phone before placing it to my ear, looking at Jonghyun who is looking at me. “Hi Emelia, I’m on my way, alright?” I breathe out. I don’t know what happened to my breathing all of a sudden. “Yes, I’ll hurry up.” I bite my lip when turning off the call, looking down at my phone. I have to go. I have to go back to practice. But I want to stay. My hands aren’t on the doorknob anymore, and I can’t resist the urge to walk up to him. “I won’t be with him if you stop pretending you don’t care,” I get out of me before I put my hands on his face and press my lips against his, kissing him like I always want to do. Delicious and dreamy, he is still my Kim Jonghyun. The night I got drunk and went all the way to his house with the thought ‘just one kiss’ is something I could continue doing every week because I would never regret that embarrassment the way I love to kiss him. Nothing can compare to kiss Jonghyun; even if he didn’t expect it I feel the response in his lips on mine and adrenaline shoots through me like a cannon. The night I met Henrik was charmed, but even if that night that was thrilling and new to me it is broken with one kiss from Jonghyun. One night with Henrik versus just one kiss, that is how powerful he is. His hands are put on my hip just as I break the kiss, dizzy all of a sudden and I step away. We keep going back and forth, I can’t let him go and I don’t think he can let me go either – so where do we stand? Could we start all over again, become us anew? I turn around to look at him when hearing him get up from the chair, but before I have turned around on my own his arm is put around my waist and I feel him press me against his body while his nose touches mine. I lean my head up when he searches for my lips, not sure what I feel but it is only good feelings, those feelings that comes deep from the core of your body and tells you that this is wonderful. He has such need in his kiss, his arm around me is strong and I am melting at the comfort his embrace gives me, my fists holding on to his cardigan to not let him lean away though it feels like he won’t. He kisses me so hard that I start leaning back against the table, and my grip hardens on his cardigan. He makes me absolutely breathless and it is lovely hearing he get that too. I hear the doorknob and voices slips through when the door is pushed open. In pure panic the grip I have of Jonghyun’s cardigan makes me use a lot of strength to push him away, he stumbles away and I panicky says; “What did you call me in here for?” And I storm out of the room, straight past Hyekyung and a co-producer who both have stopped by the door. The door wasn’t fully open, I don’t think they saw what we did, but heading to the practice-room I wonder what the heck my panicked mind was thinking. Biting my lip, sore from Jonghyun, I pick up my phone to write to him; ‘Sorry for pushing you like that… sort of panicked :/’ There is no response by the time I reach the practice-room, so with a pout I put away my phone and spot Emelia raising her eyebrow at me. “I guess it wasn’t a very good call you had to make,” she tells me in Swedish. In response I grimace, not really sure what else to respond with. Our teacher tells us to take our positions. “Especially since you could pick up my call,” Emelia adds with a smirk. She knows. How can she know? I frown at her, confused and impressed and I know she knows what I did based on that look in her eyes. “How did you know?” I ask as we stand next to each other in the formation. “Because I know you,” she simply says, continuing to show that smirk of hers. Carolina leans towards us, curiosity fills her expression; “What does she know?” She speaks Korean while Emelia and I used Swedish. Emelia responses in Korean though; “Everything.” “You can’t possibly know everything,” Carolina mutters. “I know what you did last night,” Emelia tells Carolina and I love that Carolina looks to believe her. Then she doubts her. “No you don’t.” “You were practicing in here with us,” Emelia simply answers. Julia and I burst out laughing as that is obvious, while Carolina had sounded like it is something she could possibly never know. She doesn’t have time to sulk though because practice restarts and all she gets is a pat on the shoulder by Emelia. While dancing I wonder if Jonghyun has answered my text-message, and most of all I wonder what is going to happen with us. Our practice continues for hours. Kyungho comes after his work has ended and after sitting in the back for some time he ends up lying down, and minutes later he is sleeping – surrounded by loud voices, movements and music. Because he is sleeping we continue our practice for two extra hours – just because – and we talk about that we won’t practice tomorrow and instead will