...And Then There Were You

“The loss of a loved one turns our life upside down. Our world as we knew it has changed and those changes require that we in turn adjust to a new normal."----- Unknown

One is never prepared for the loss of a loved one… unexpectedly, it’s really devastating.

It was mom’s memorial service… Ye Ri and her parents went back here in Korea to attend the funeral and express their condolences.

“I’m so sorry Ye Eun~ah… I want to stay longer but we can’t. We have to go back after your mom’s funeral,” Ye Ri said. They booked a flight back as they’ve heard about eomma’s death.

“It’s okay, I understand…” I tried to smile saying that but I failed, instead tears crawled down my cheeks.

"Oh Ye Eun~ah~” she caringly wiped my tears and wrap her arms around me. "...I'm so sorry, I can't do anything to ease the pain you are suffering right now... please be tough Ye Eun~ah."

For the whole ceremony, Ye Ri stayed by my side... and just like what she said they did leave as soon as the funeral was over. With my best friend away… I was lost, can’t compose myself to move on.

Now that mom is gone… it’s just dad and me…just the two of us in this apartment that is filled with sorrowful atmosphere. Since she passed away I felt that a part of me just died, too… I miss her so much…

With days passed, I’ve tried to survive our melancholic life… but in Dad’s case, he was worst than before… I can barely talk to him. You could always saw him looking blankly at mom’s framed picture. Mostly at night I could hear him crying and repeatedly saying sorry while clasping mom’s picture in his arms…

Not long after my mom’s death, I never thought that as worst as this could happen to me… couple of days, more than a week or so, before my graduation as I went home from school… as I make my way up to our apartment… opening the door… went straight to my dad’s room to check on him and tell him I’m home… He was lying on the bed with his one arm hanging… a small bottle and tablets of medicine were scattered at the floor along with some soju bottles… there was a letter on top of the table just beside the bed…

My dearest Ye Eun,

            I am very sorry for everything. What happened to our family was my entire fault.  I failed to support and protect you and your mom. i love you Ye Eun~ah but it’s so agonizing, I can’t endure it anymore… I miss your mom so much. I hope you could forgive me.

Love,

Dad

A cold sensation creeps up as my body shudder and knees went weak while reading the letter… I slumped on the floor looking at my father’s lifeless body… my tears poured down non-stop… shocked. Not wanting to accept what was happening…

“APPA! APPA! I’M HOME, APPA!” I moved closer to the side of the bed and waggling him, trying to wake him up. “WAKE UP, APPA!”

APPA! WAEYO APPA?! WAE? WAE~” I shouted again and again.

A concerned neighbor heard me shouting, she rushed to our house to check what is happening… knock and knock… when she noticed that the door was not lock she came in… as she saw us she immediately made a emergency call on her cell phone…

Another memorial service…

Dad was declared dead on arrival at the hospital. Along with the alcohol he drunk, he overdosed his self with his meds. I received a call from Ye Ri when they heard about the news. They were very sorry because they can’t go back to Korea to be present at the funeral. It’s not along time ago when they went back here and can’t come again because of some migration policy. Mostly our relatives in my father side were at the wake.

“Where would she stay after this?” one of our relative said.

“I can’t keep her. You know that my in-laws are staying at my place too” one answered.

“She can’t stay with us too. I got a lot of children already and my house is not that big.” Another one refused. I was not far from them, staring blankly at my dad’s framed photo. Hearing their conversation is really irritating. I stood up and walked to where they were. I walked pass through them and stopped…

“You don’t have to worry about where I should stay… I can live by myself.” And with that I continue to walk out the door and leaved the place.

I strolled around the street absent-mindedly. My heart aches so much that my body got numb. Bumping to some people I met along the way. I find myself riding a bus, sitting at the back most seats. There were only few passengers at that time. I felt so alone, can’t help pitying my own self… couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. Just at the other end of where I’m sitting there was a guy who kept looking at me. My mind was preoccupied with the “world-is-crashing-down-on-me” thing, so I was totally ignoring him. I was just looking outside the window… I can see my reflection on it… my tears kept on flowing out of my eyes. As the bus travelling on its way, I could see the view of the Han River… I suddenly have the urge of going there.

Still not in my sane self, I was now at the Han River side… I saw this bench and decide to settle there. There are no much people around so it’s a bit quieter. I think it’s around eight or nine o’clock in the evening… I really don’t