Kibum’s POV

I don’t know why I was so afraid when Minho told me that Jonghyun got admitted into the ward. I didn’t order my legs to run in the direction Minho had pointed out to me. I don’t think my head even knows what I was doing until I had reached the room with Jonghyun’s name across the door and even then I didn't even stop to think or to hesitate before I threw the door open with a bang.

I shouted “Jonghyun!”

The said person sat bolt upright and shouted, "What? What happened?" before looking at me with bewildered eyes. “Kibum?” he whispered.

I marched into the room, my breath heaving, and took his face between my hands. I turned his face to the left. Then, I turned his face to the right. Then, up and down searching for signs that he’s been hurt anywhere but there were none. There wasn't even a scratch on his handsome dino face.

“Er…Kibum?” he asked as my palms felt the heat radiating from his reddening cheeks.

I pretended not to notice as I retracted my hands from his face and went to lift up his hospital gown. Jonghyun’s frantic hands met me halfway and he screeched “What are you doing?”

I ignored him. I couldn't trust myself to speak right now. Shrugging his hands away, I pulled up the thin fabric covering his abdomen. I had to stop myself from gulping as my eyes landed on his washboard abs. There were six solid blocks there which seem pretty much unharmed to me. But Minho told me…

I lifted my head to finally lock eyes with him as I said, “You’re not hurt.”

He frowned at me before saying in a matter-of-fact tone, “No. I’m not.”

“Then why the hell did I make myself look like a psychotic patient flitting across the corridor?” I thought angrily in my head but instead of saying that, I demanded, “Then why are you here?”

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me as if he’s caught on to something as he asked, “what did Minho tell you?”

“Well, he said- more like he stuttered-.”

Jonghyun raised his brow higher. “Minho? Stuttered?”

I paused to think about that before smacking a hand to my forehead. How could I be so stupid? “I can’t believe he’s fooled me! I’m so gonna kill him,” I seethed, turning around to go put my words into action when I felt a hand around my wrist.

I turned back to see Jonghyun holding onto me.

“Where are you going?” his words held a sad tinge to the edges. 

I blinked at him. “To strangle the life out of that frog faced idiot for fooling me.”

Jonghyun didn't say anything but a second later, his face was suddenly lit with a smile that stretched the corners of his lips. “You were worried about me,” he grinned like a puppy.

“No I wasn’t!” My cheeks blushed red. Oh, crap, I thought. This wasn't supposed to happen. 

He wiggled his finger at me as he said, “Aww…come on, now. Don’t be shy. Just admit that you care about me.”

I snorted but it sounded rather forced. “Don’t you think you’re a little conceited?”

“Nope. I’m just a little too happy right now,” he grinned from ear to ear.

I had to bite down on my lower lip to stop myself from smiling along with him as my head screamed, keep a straight face, Kibum! Keep a straight face! Do not get in by his adorable smile. 

I cleared my throat and asked, "you haven't tell me why you're here."

"You know, I was just arguing with myself until five minutes ago if I should let you go. You know...give you up," he smiled sadly.

I stared at him. My heart missed a beat. That wasn't the answer to my question at all. But all the same, it would be an answer that I would really like to know. Whether I should leave here forever or stay, I guess I'll decide after I've listened to him speak.

I sighed before pulling a chair to sit, thinking that this might take a while. "And?" 

"You've just given me a solution," he grinned that million watts grin again.

"Which is?" I probed.

He propped his chin on his palm in a thoughtful manner as he gazed at me. "Did I tell you how gorgeous you look today?"

I raised an eyebrow and being the impatient guy that I am, I immediately stood up from the chair to leave but was held back once again. 

"Wait!" Jonghyun said frantically. "Okay. I'm sorry. Please...hear me out."

I turned back to face him. "Are we going to be serious now?"

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and when he opened them again, the playful glint was gone and in their place was weariness and dejection. "You have to know that this isn't easy for me. Letting you go, losing you...you have no idea how much the thought of it alone can kill me. That's how much you mean to me, Kibum."

I looked away from his eyes and focused on the floor instead, fearing that my tears will spill over because deep down in me somewhere, I  know I feel the same way about him too. It might have been asleep before this but it's definitely awakening now. The uncertainty when I faced him. My erratic heart beats whenever he was around. They all made perfect sense now. I guess...that was the reason why I hated him so much as Key...because he made me feel all those weird feelings that no one did before. He made me feel insecure and vulnerable, like I'd need him to protect me and to keep me safe. 

I cleared my throat, forcing down all the feelings that were rising like bile, and met his eyes unblinkingly. “So?” I asked. “Get to the point, Jonghyun.”

Hurt flashed across his eyes as he took my words in (and I had the urge to slap myself for hurting him) but he didn’t let it hold him back. He took a breath and looking away, he said “The point is…what I wanted tell you is that...” He took another breath and slowly raised his eyes to lock on mine as he asked the words I had wanted to ask but will never have the courage to ask. “Kibum, will you give me a second chance?”

I stared blankly at him as I let those words sink in. They were the words I had wanted to hear come out of his mouth. Despite everything that has happened between us; the cross dressing, the misunderstandings, the truths and the lies... all of it.. In the end of the day, right here and right now, I realised that I love him. I love him with all my heart and there is nothing in this world that can make me unlove him. But.. there is also that thought that all of this has happened too fast and too soon. I need more time to digest. I need to properly be by myself to compartmentalize my thoughts and priorities. Well, I already know what my priorities are but before that, I need to learn to  come to terms with myself and accept all that Minho, Taemin and Jonghyun have told me.

I sighed a deep sigh and stepped closer to him. I gently cupped his face in my palm and I felt him lean in towards my touch. He closed his eyes as a smile lifted the corners of his lips. Seeing him smile made me smile too.

"You have never voluntarily touched me before," Jonghyun said with a small smile. "I guess I can die happily now."

I rolled my eyes and made a move to pull my hand away but Jongyun grabbed onto my hand and held them in place. "Don't move. Please let me stay like this for just a little longer."

I didn't fight him as he held on to my hand. We stayed like this for a while until Jonghyun opened his eyes and looked up at me. "I wish I could keep you here like this forever but I know I'm dreaming an impossible dream." He smiled sadly at me. "You're not going to say yes, are you?"

I bit my lower lips to keep my emotions in check. I wanted so much to tell him that he's wrong, that I'm going to say yes but I can't. For once, I have to think with my head and not my heart. For just this once, I want to do things right. I mean, if we were meant to be, we would find our way back to each other right? No matter what happens and no matter how long it would take for that day to come, we will be together again right? I have to believe in that because that is all that I have to keep me going.

I shook my head slowly and mouthed the words "I'm sorry." I couldn't bring myself to say them out loud.

Jonghyun lowered his head and relased his hold on my hand letting them fall back to my side. I felt my palm throbbed as if it missed the feeling of having his cheek close.

"I'll wait for you," Jonghyun said as he lifted his head to meet my eyes again. "I will wait for you for as long as you need me to. I have waited for 2 years and I will continue to wait right here for you." His eye burned with the fire of determination.

I wanted to say thank you and that I will come back to him soon but that would be selfish of me. I cannot keep him in the cage of my promise anymore. I have been so selfish all these times and I just cannot continue being selfish anymore. All the hurt that I have given him when he had continued loving me while I lived in the bubble Taemin had created for me. I had hurt both of them without even realising it because I had so conveniently lost my memories. But now that I have got them back, I can no longer behave as ignorantly as I did back then. 

"Live your life, Jongie," I said softly. "I don't know if I will ever come back and if I did, I don't know when. It could be months or even years. I don't know if I can be strong enough to come back to the remaining of the truths and to meet you with unwavering eyes." Jonghyun shook his head vigorously but I kept going. "That's why you have to let me go," my voice broke at the end. 

"No, Kibum. Please don't do this to me again. I can't-," Jonghyun's eyes pleaded with me.

"No, listen!" I said urgently. "I love you, Kim Jong Hyun. I love you so much and that will never change. But things are different now. There were too many things that have happened that cannot be undone. It will forever be a scar in our hearts, a permanent reminder of that incident." Jonghyun shuddered at the memory of it. "That's why I have to find a way to live with it. I have to be able to look at you and see you as you are without flashes of my mother's face or our car skidding and crashing."

Tears ran down Jonghyun's face and I brushed them away as gently as I could with my shaking hand. The other hand was balled to a fist by my side. It was all I could do to keep my voice from shaking.

"You're a strong person. Jonghyun and you will have Minho by your side. You will be okay," I tried to smile and failed. It sounds wrong that I want him to be okay without me but there was nothing that I can do. 

Very quickly, I leaned down and plant a kiss on Jonghyun's lips. It lasted for two seconds before I broke the kiss, a tear running down the side of my face and ran the few steps to the door. I pulled the door open and stopped for one second longer to say, "I hope we will meet again someday" with a plastered smile on my crying face. Then I was out the door and the distance between Jonghyun and I grew with every step that I took away from his room.     

Author's note

I have had this saved since 2 years ago but I have never really had the chance to post this up. I guess I have lost touch with writing because the workload for medical school kept piling up on me. The little time that I had was spent sleeping or eating a proper meal for a change or meeting up with friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. I was cleaning my room today and I found the draft I had written for this story. It brought a smile to my face and I immediately came online to come check on this. Seeing that there were still comments for me after not writing for ages made me really happy. But then, I want to say that I'm sorry for disappointing all of you. Despite your loyalty and interest in my ideas, I have let you down.

I was an avid fan of fanfictions years ago and I hated it so much when they leave a good story hanging. I remember telling myself that if I were to start writing a story I have to be committed and see it to the end but it looks like I am unable to keep the promise after all. I will try to update again but there's no promise when. Until then, thank you to all of you who have continued to support me and I hope to see you soon with the next chapter.

Please do leave a comment so I will find the spark in me to write again.