Key’s POV

Pain. There was so much pain. I had never felt so broken and betrayed in my life. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and yet, I had no strength in my arms to wipe them away. There is air all around me and yet, I gasped at them as if I was running out of oxygen. My head hurts like someone was compressing it from all directions. My eyes were closed and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to open. Maybe I was tired of looking at this demented world. Maybe it was better if I lived not seeing the things that could harm me. My heart ached painfully in my chest and I wished that I could rip it out and set it on fire. I could live without it if having it means I had to deal with all these heartless torture, if it means I had to put up with endless lies for the rest of my life. I need no love. I need no care and affection. I only need myself. Just myself and no one else.

And as that thought burst clearly into my mind, I found myself suddenly surrounded by total darkness, shrouded by its thick black coat. My eyes, although I was blinking them, could see nothing. I couldn’t even see my hands when I knew I had them raised to my face. Fear began to rise in a crescendo inside of me. My heart pounded against my chest. Had my wish been answered? Am I really left alone in this space where I could see nothing at all? Not even myself? Could this be a dream? But the pain I felt was real. The hopelessness and despair…all of it were genuine.

I tried calling out to see if anyone could hear me but I could barely push my voice above a shaking whisper, “He-Hello? Can anybody hear me?”

At first, nothing happened. It was as if the darkness I was in was taunting me, as if it was having fun feeding on my fear. But just as I was beginning to lose hope, I caught sight of something sparkling momentarily out of the black curtain around me. I immediately turned towards it, squinting slightly to catch the sparkle again. My feet took an uncertain step forward.

“Hello?” my voice was slightly stronger this time.

There it was again, the sparkle. Could it be calling me? Does it want me to go to it? Very slowly, I took one step after another as I got closer to where I thought the sparkle had called out to me.

“Are you still there?” I hollered to make sure that I wasn’t just thinking of the sparkle because I was desperate for help.

Luckily, it responded to me and this time, instead of disappearing, its light intensified and enlarged into what looked like a door of light. I stood there stunned for a moment before realising that I was just a feet away from it now. Taking a deep breath, I took a large step forward, stretching my hand towards the blinding light and suddenly, everything around me brightened up as if the darkness I was trapped in earlier never existed. I blinked once to get my eyes adjusted to the current lighting. There were a series of shouting going on around me. It sounded urgent and fearful.

When my eyes could see properly once again, I found myself in the middle of a hospital. My head instinctively turned to the direction of the commotion my ears had picked up. There, lying on the thin white mattress that was being pushed by several nurses was me. My eyes widened at the incredulity of the situation. How could I be seeing myself when I was in my very own body? What in the world was going on? Why do I look so terrible lying on that gurney? My shirt was wet with blood. There was so much blood all over my face that my hands went instinctively to my own face to feel if there were any sticky substance on it. There was none. I couldn’t feel any pain on me at all when the other me looked as if I got into a terrible accident and I may never get out of it.

Could this be a dream? But it felt so real and there was this part of me that felt as if I had experienced this before some time in my past. Could I be remembering then? Could this be a figment of my past?

I tailed along looking lost when the weakened version of myself was pushed past me. They must be pushing me into the surgical theatre. My heart picked up in speed. They have to save the other me. No matter what happens, they have to make me okay again.

We were about to turn a corner when a scream sounded behind me. It was such a familiar voice that I stopped in my tracks.

“Doctor! Please, doctor! I’m begging you!”

I turned and my eyes instantly locked on a lady, a beautiful lady with deep scratches on her arms and legs, her clothes torn in several places and she had a cut across her forehead. She looked terrible but not as bad compared to how I looked on the gurney. However, it wasn’t the reason why I felt time had stopped around me. It was her face. Past the cuts, grimes and tears, it was a face I knew too well. A face I had grew up to love with all my heart.

Before I knew it, my own tears were dripping down my own cheeks and for the first time in many many months, the word I had been meaning to call rolled on my tongue in a bittersweet way.

“Mom?” it tumbled out in small strangled whisper.

“Doctor, please! Please!” mom screamed so desperately, kneeling on the floor with her hands gripping tightly on the man’s white coat. She hadn’t heard or seen me.

“Do it or I’ll kill myself right here right now!” she stood up suddenly and in a flash, grabbed hold of a pair of scissors lying idly on the nurse’s counter. She held it firmly to , the sharp end poking her skin.

“No!” I shouted but I was too shocked to move. Please, I begged the doctor silently in my mind. Please just comply with my mum. Don’t let her die. You can’t let her die.

“Mrs. Kim, please. If you will just put down the scissors. It’s dangerous. We can talk this out. We will do everything we can for your son. We will try our utmost. We promise you that,” the doctor said as calmly as he could with his arms out, his palms directed to my mum as if saying he meant her no harm.

“Don’t lie to me, doctor,” tears streaming freely down mum’s face. “I heard what the nurses were saying. He’s lost too much blood. He wouldn’t make it through,” mum’s breath hitched in .

It felt like a bucket of iced water was poured over my head. I was going to die. They can’t save me. I’m too far gone to be brought back.

“And the only way you can save him is to have an immediate blood transfusion,” mum continued.

I felt a slight hope when I heard that there was a way I could be saved. “But you don’t have enough blood right now and waiting for other hospitals to send it will be too late.”

The doctor was silent for a few seconds. “I’m sure there’s a way. So, please put down the scissors, ma’am.”

My insides turned cold again. That’s it, then. I was really dying. There was no hope left for me.

“No. There’s no other way and you know it,” mum shook her head. “I’m a nurse too so I know that much myself.”

Mum’s a nurse? I couldn’t help but be awed by that even at a time like this.

“Just do it, doctor. You’ll be saving me if you save him. Please. He’s my son. He’s only a teenager and there’s so much more ahead of him. He doesn’t deserve this,” mum said so brokenly that I felt the immense power of her love pierce through my soul and as I watched, a tear trickled down the doctor’s face.

 The doctor took a deep breath as he looked at the nurse standing fearfully behind him. “Prepare for the transfusion procedures.”

Mum heaved a sigh of relief and the scissors fell out of her weak hands to the floor noisily. “Thank you. Thank you so much. Truly.”

The doctor offered mum a weak smile. “Thank me yourself when you make it out.”

Mum said nothing as she returned his smile with a weaker one of her own. Then, she followed the nurse, her back walking away from me. And suddenly, it hit me like a huge boulder. The reality of this situation. The fact that my mum knew she wouldn’t be able to, that she was happy to die so long as she could make sure that I live.

My legs were already running before I told them to. I was chasing after mum’s retreating back. My mouth was open in a shout. I was telling her not to go but no sound could be heard. She never stopped. She never turned back. None of them heard me. My head spun in circles. My heart throbbed so bad I felt like there was blood spilling out of it. I was going to lose my mother when I just saw her and there was nothing I could do about it. Tears were falling in torrents. They were blinding me. I couldn’t even see her strong determined back anymore. I was losing her…I was losing her…I was losing her…my mind repeated again and again before I was swallowed up by the darkness once more.

A loud gasp escaped my lips as I was wrenched out of the dream into a sitting position. I looked around at the foreign surrounding I was in. This was not my room. I looked down at my own body. There were no scars nor were there any blood or any sign of me being injured at all. It was then that I realise my chest moving rapidly. I was heaving. I could feel the sweat roll down my back. There was water on my face too. Could it be the tears I had cried earlier? It must have been. I tried recalling what I had dreamed of. The tears. Me on the gurney. Mum. The whole scene.

I gave another gasp when the pictures of the hospital I was remembering faded and a sudden screeching sound filled the inside of my ears and an image formed behind my eyes. I could see the white interior of the room I was in and yet, I could see another picture overlapping the reality I was looking at.

There were two cars. They were coming from opposite directions. One of the cars must have exceeded the speed limit as it was driving a lot faster than the other one. They were approaching each other in a matter of seconds and still, neither of the cars slowed down. They hadn’t seen each other. They were going to collide. It must have been one second away when one of the cars realized the situation. The honk was blared. The driver stepped on the brake and the screeching sound was what filled my ears earlier. But it was too late. It was far too late. I heard the screams. I watched in horror as the cars collided into one another with a loud crash. A figure flew out of the driver’s side onto the road. The cars proceeded to skid off in different directions. One hit the traffic light and the other crashed right into a huge tree and everything was silent.

“Kibum, you’re awake!” Jessica said happily from the doorway, her voice filled with relief.

The minute I saw her though, the images were gone as suddenly as they were there. It was such a scary thing to see. The cars unable to stop. The fearful screams. The crash. Everything. And I went through all that? My parents went through all that? How can this world be so cruel? How could they let that be the last thing they experience of this world? Why hadn’t they let me say goodbye?

A tear trickled down my face and before I knew it, I was crying again.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Jessica rushed to me flustered.

My shoulders shook with every effort I took to breathe. Snot ran down my nose. I wish I could cry it all away. I wish I never would have seen all that. I wish I could always draw up a picture of mum and dad smiling happily as they put a hand each on my shoulder in my mind.

I looked at Jessica through my tears and asked, “Why wouldn’t they just let me die? Why?”

“What are you saying?” Jessica gasped disbelievingly and she came to sit on the edge of my bed. “Your parents loved you so much that they were willing to die for you. Your life right now isn’t just yours anymore. It’s theirs as well,” she looked meaningfully at me as she took my hand in hers.

“Then, they can have it back!” I shouted at her. “If this is the life I’m going to have from now on, if it means having to choose either to live not knowing what had happened to them or to live with the guilt and pain with the knowledge of what they have sacrificed for me! Well, I’d rather not have a life at all!”

Jessica was just about to open to come up with a retort when the three soft knocks sounded on the door and it swung inwards to reveal two figures. Minho and Jonghyun. 

Author's Note

Hi guys! I updated again! Well, actually I had this done last week but I couldn't access the website because of the problem we were having earlier...and then, when this site was working again, I was afraid it wasn't stable and that I might lose the chapter so I waited for a few more days before uploading this. I'm sorry for the delay and I hope you enjoy this as much as you always do...or maybe more...  ^.^

And I can't wait for SHINee comeback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I bet all of you are nervous for it too!  =)