Kibum’s POV

I could only stare at him as my mind processed the words I have just heard. I can accept that I was gay and I am gay now. I was prepared to digest the fact that I had locked mouth with guys for all my life and not girls as well as the recent one being with Jonghyun. At least it explains why I was born to be so pretty, prettier than girls even without the cross dressing, right? But this? Minho? My ex-boyfriend?

“Hahaha,” I laughed awkwardly in the building tension. “Funny, Minho. Just funny. You think I would actually believe that?”

The annoying person sighed. “Kibum, I was just-”

I held a hand to stop his oncoming excuse. “You know what? Keep the information to yourself. Tell it to someone else for all I care because if you’re not going to tell me the truth, then don’t say anything at all,” the anger was really building in me.

I was sick of all these games. I was getting tired of having to put up with their guarded silence. And to think that they were guarding the secrecy of my past. Who are they to only tell what I am supposed to know and seal their lips about the ones they think I should not know? Who gave them the rights to claim my forgotten memories as theirs to guard from me, the only rightful owner of my past? Don’t they know that the more they hide it from me, the more I want to know why they had to hide them away? Don’t they know how curiosity works in nature? Do they realise that my mind no longer contained the bright colourful images it once had?  Now all I can see when I imagine my past was an empty darkness with no glimpse of light for miles to come. They made me think like this. They made me think that there must be some kind of bad omen about my past that they can never let me know. I must have done something bad. Maybe I used to be this big bully that goes around pushing people’s head into the toilet. Maybe I had killed someone. I don’t know. Only they know and yet, they wouldn’t tell me. So what does that say?

It says that I’ll have to dig the answers out one by one with my own hands.

“Kibum, please just calm down and hear me out. I’m telling you-”

“Save it. I’m out of here,” I said and went on to open the toilet door. I want to leave this smelly place. I want to shut Minho in it and out of my life. There will be one less major headache once I eliminate him.

My foot was almost out the door when Minho pulled me backwards into his arms and kicked the door shut. Did I see someone running past? Looks kind of familiar, somehow. However, I had no room for more thoughts on who it might be when Minho’s hand closed over my mouth stifling any sound that dared escape as he held me to his body in a one arm intimate hug.

“Hold still and don’t make a sound,” he warned me when I tried to wriggle free, his breath tickling my ear.

This. Is. Freaking. Crazy?! How much of karma have I accumulated in my life to be forced a kiss by one person and into a hug by another of the same gender as me for two days consecutively. I mean, come on! Just because I say I accept me being gay doesn’t necessarily mean that I would feel comfortable about any of this. God must really hate me for some bizarre reason. 

Ten racing heartbeats later, he finally released me and I immediately backed up against a wall as far away as I can get from the dangerous man.

Minho smirked at me. “The hug didn’t feel familiar to you?”

I gulped down a lump in my throat. How was I supposed to deny that when he was so confident with what he had picked out of my mind? Besides, there really is a familiar feeling like he said when I think about it. Damn. I hate his psychic power. But I wasn’t going to admit defeat in his hands. I refuse to bow to a guy like him.

I folded my arms indignantly. “That doesn’t mean you can hug me as you like. I still don’t believe you and I never will.”

Minho shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

I opened my mouth to argue but thought better of it. I will still lose regardless of what I say, anyway. This is Minho we are talking about.

“Whatever,” I snapped as a last resort and left the toilet for real this time, making sure that he still was standing a distance away and will not grab me into another hug.

The school corridors were strangely quiet after the horde of students had disappeared into their respective classes. As I walked along the classes, I could hear the distinct sounds coming from within each class. I let the voices of the teachers’ teachings (which I don’t remember having) float into my mind imagining that I was sitting in the classroom with all those students listening attentively to every word the teacher says. How I envy them all. How I wish I could be in there absorbing as much knowledge as I can get about this world that I inhabit along with my peers. Can they possibly teach me about who I am? Does their knowledge extend that far?

If only someone…anyone can tell me who I really am.

Jonghyun’s POV

I took big gulps of air every time I inhaled to calm myself down. I was bent over with my hands on my knees in an empty hallway after I had fled from eavesdropping on the conversation between Onew and the girly looking guy. There’s just no way it could be true. That wasn’t what I had heard from the two of them. My ears must be deceiving me. That must be the only explanation.

Jonghyun, you’re dreaming, I tried to convince myself. You’re still in bed and your eyes are closed. Just take a deep breath and count till three. When your vision comes to focus, you will realise that you are in your room and safely out of reach from this crazy mess.

One…

Two…

Three…

I tore open my eyes and took in the plain ugly white walls lined with rusty old lockers. I am in school. What I heard had all been real. My heart felt like a knife had been sheathed through it. My brain which has always been slow to begin with felt even more sluggish at the moment. I don’t think I would know the answer to 1 + 1 if someone were to ask me now. Everything felt unreal because I want to believe that I was having a fantasy. I want to believe that this is not a reality. Believing is knowing, right? Isn’t that what the old people always nag about? I remember my father nagging to me about it once a long long time ago. I haven’t seen them in ages. I don’t even know where they are now nor do I need to know but that is beside the point. The point is that whatever I had believed in all my life had been nothing but a big game of bluff. My legs were wobbling beneath my weight and I had to lean against a wall to balance myself. I was still too adamant to admit it.

You lied to me, Minho.

My best friend for more than five years had lied to me. He had lied to me about a matter that involved my life and death. He told me without a doubt that Key was dead. He told me and I had believed him. I had believed him without a word. I never asked him how he knew or where he got his information from. I trusted him. I always have. So why did you do it, Minho? Why did you betray my trust? Why did you say Key was dead when he was alive and well? You were never one to say something unless you have a very solid proof and source for it. You have never uttered a single lie to me in all those years that I have known you. Did someone force you into it? Did my parents force you to do this?

What have I heard from the conversation, anyway?

Flashback

The first sentence I caught was “Start by answering my previous question. How do you know he’s alive?”

At first, I didn’t know who they were referring to. The more they talked, the more confusing I became. I was tempted to give up and go back to class already when the next sentence out of Onew’s mouth froze me in my tracks.

“Key lost his memory too? But that’s imp- how?”

My heart raced ahead of me. Key lost his memory? How? When? What did he forget? Did he forget me? Did he? Could he? I can’t hear them clearly. I can’t catch every word that they say. Did they say that he went through a brain surgery? Why? What was wrong with his intelligent brain? And he had it done all by himself? He must have felt so scared and alone. Jonghyun, what have you been doing? Where were you when he needed you most? What was the point of wallowing in self pity while Key was on the brink of death twice? How much pain did I feel compared to Key’s? Who am I to deem myself pitiful when Key had gone through at least ten times worse of my pain? My breathing was going out of rhythm. My heartbeat grew more erratic with each passing thought.  What have you done to my Key?

My eardrums throbbed with the effort to listen in on every word they said but I can only get bits here and there as their voices kept fluctuate in volume every now and then. Every detail of Key’s pain and suffering was another blunt cut through my soul.

I palmed my face when the next news hit me like a shockwave. They are saying that Aunty Kim is dead? She sacrificed her life for Key? I could hardly get oxygen into my lungs now. I have always loved her like I have never loved my own mother. She was every bit of a mother I dream to have. She used to cook me my favourite dish when I went over to their house. She had always been very gracious with me. Key’s parents accepted us for who we were. They gave us their blessings to be happy in our relationship when my own parents kicked me out of the house before I could explain anything to them. To think that these two wonderful people no longer walk this earth pains me. I felt like I had lost my own parents. My heart splits in two just thinking that I will never be able to see their warm smiles and feel their loving hugs anymore.

What must it have felt like to Key when it is already this bad for me?

Key must have been so devastated. He must have wished that he had died along with his parents in the car accident. I know he will want that if he was given a choice. I could imagine all the guilt thoughts in his head bugging him to the point of insanity. There must be daggers after daggers piercing into his already dying heart every time he thought of his parents. I wish I was in his place. I wish I was the one feeling his pain for him. I wish for many things. But in the end of the day, they were just empty wishes with no actions to back them up. I was only good for hollow promises.

My knees buckled and I slid down to the floor in misery. I could no longer hear the rest of the story. I had no strength left to digest any more than this. A teardrop trickled along the side of my cheek.

Key, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.

Back in the present

But then, the two of them could be wrong. They could have been fed with the wrong information. Key had been missing for such a long time, after all. The sources of information might very well be creating their own conclusion to Key’s whereabouts as well as his wellbeing to keep the topic alive. He had always been such a popular figure in school so it was only natural that it takes time for his lingering footsteps to fade from our lives. Not that I would ever allow him to fade away from my memories. He is mine and mine alone to keep.

I pushed myself off the wall. I had to find him. I have to see him. I have to get the address to that boy’s house to see for myself if he really is living there. I have to know that it wasn’t me that he has forgotten. He will never forget me. He can’t, can he? He would remember me, right? He has to be able to remember the man he had loved with all his heart. I know he still loves me. Even on the day that he said “It’s over between us” and left me running away, I knew in my heart just like he knew in his heart that we were both crying. I don’t know if any of you have ever experience this but when you love someone to the point of breaking apart just because you haven’t seen him for a few hours, it is said that these two people share a special bond. It is said that the two of them will become one and whatever emotional feeling one of them has will be felt by the other. It was how I used to know if Key was sad because whenever he felt sad, there will always be this uncomfortable feeling on my chest and I would be feeling down the entire day too. But if I were to be happy even when Key wasn’t in the mood, he couldn’t help but smile too. I know it’s bizarre and you most probably wouldn’t believe me but I’m telling you that it’s true.

What if his appearance has changed then? What if he had been working out and his body is better looking than mine? Or maybe he could be mingled in one of the girls doing cross-dressing. It used to be his hobby, after all. For all I know, he could be doing it to avoid me. I could have seen him before but not realise it. How was I supposed to know which was him when I don’t know how he looks like now? Then, I thought of another idea. My hand went instinctively to the necklace. Does he still have this? Can I perhaps locate him by searching for this necklace? Can my plan work?

No. I can’t lose my head about this, yet. Jonghyun, keep yourself in check. Key has lost his memories. I can’t afford to lose mine as well. I need to help him regain his when the time comes. Besides, I can get someone to look him later. I will give them my necklace to find him. I will find him and I will have him back.

But first, I have to hunt for Minho. I must talk to him face to face. I have to know the reason he was doing this. He had to be under some kind of threat. I know Minho would never do this to me. He will never do anything that will hurt me. I was his first friend. I was the only family he had left. There was no way he could use that over intelligent brain of his against me. I just know it.

While I was walking in the proper school corridors and not the supposedly haunted ones, I thought I saw the ladies’ toilet door slam roughly shut. I don’t know for sure but it’s not like I care what the girls could be doing in there, anyway. My mind only focused on getting to the detention room without getting caught by any teachers.

I burst into the room. My eyes zeroed in on Minho’s seat. It was vacant. In fact, not a single soul was to be found in the room. I backed out of the door, not bothering to close it. Where could he be at this hour? It’s World History class right now and he hates that subject more than anything else although he tends to score the highest for that paper. The hypocrite.

Could he be cleaning his already too shiny bike again? Hmm…that is a possibility. The bike is his life, after all. I started walking back towards the way I had come to get out of the school building. I turned a corner and entered into the corridor where I had heard the slamming door. There was a figure walking quite a distance away in front of me. My breath choked in my throat.

It was an all too familiar back. 

author's note

i guess this story is finally almost reaching the  ^^

i was supposed to update this story on fridays like CHEESECAKETATTOO86 had pointed out but because a certain reader ( you know who you are! lol~) couldn't stop threatening me with my life for an update...so this is a special one! of couse this is also for all of you who had bashed Minho in the comments! haha