Jonghyun’s POV

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to the side to see Minho giving me a nod. We had enquired at the reception counter that Kibum was alright and the nurse had pointed us here when she said we could visit. I looked back to the front, to the thin frame of a door that stood between me and my Kibum. My heart picked up its pace at the thought of seeing him. I’m finally seeing him. After all those times I had almost lost my mind from missing him, I can really see him now. I can see him for real now. It won’t just be my imagination. It won’t be because I was hallucinating for wanting to see his face so much. This time he will be there in front of my eyes and he wouldn’t disappear when I blink my eyes. Then why am I hesitating? What am I afraid of?

I felt a hand on top of mine this time and I looked down to see that my hand on the doorknob was shaking. Minho gave that hand a light squeeze. “Come on, hyung. You’ve waited forever for this moment. You can do this,” he said lightly.

I retracted my hand from the doorknob. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?” I blurted out to Minho.

“Does it matter?” he asked with an expressionless face.

“What do you mean does it matter? Of course it does!” I hissed at him, afraid that if I raised my voice, Kibum would hear me. “And you were supposed to explain things to me in the car!”

Minho sighed. “Do you want to see him?”

“Obviously yes!” I rolled my eyes.

“Then stop being a drama queen and get in there.”

“I’m not being a drama queen! I’m just afraid that he wouldn’t want to see me! Besides, I’m a guy. Shouldn’t it be drama king?” my hand went to my hip

“Same difference,” Minho shrugged. “Now get in there before you give me a headache.”

“I’m telling you, Minho! I don’t know if Kibum wants to-.”

The idiot had already rained three knocks on the door before I could finish my sentence and before I could lower my breathing rate or smooth out my clothes or prepare a line to say, he had turned the knob and pushed the door open.

I stood there like a lamb caught in headlight, my mouth hanging open with disbelief at what the frog face had done. Minho however, calmly walked into the room and sat down on the empty sofa by the corner as if he owned the place.

“Hello, Key,” he said with no expression of concern whatsoever on his face before turning to the other person in the room. “I wouldn’t say I’m surprised to see you here, Jessica.”

“Hello, Minho,” Jessica said stiffly as if she was afraid of him.

“Jonghyun, if you weren’t deciding to come in, then we should not have come at all.”

I threw Minho a dirty look and took another deep breath to compose myself. I was actually closing my eyes as I stepped into my room, my heart thumping louder with every step I took closer to that person.

“Jonghyun.”

I stopped the moment I heard my name. An involuntary shiver ran down my spine. “Jonghyun... Jonghyun...” I repeated the voice in my head. He had said my name. He actually said my name. Without me realising it, a tear had slipped from my eye and had trickled down my cheek. I took one more breath as I slowly opened my eyes.

I took in the view in front of me. The beautiful beautiful view in front of me. I traced my eyes over the features I had come to love, the features I had been addicted to…the ones I couldn’t live without. I took in the nose, the tall and sharp nose that goes haughty when the owner gets annoyed. I lingered on the lips, the pale soft looking lips that were as inviting as it ever was. Whenever they curve into a smile, the world would smile along. I took in the eyes, the small feline looking eyes that seemed to pierce right through my soul. The eyes that looked incredibly pained and confused right now.

“Kim Kibum…Key,” the name rolled off my tongue in a strange bittersweet manner as another tear dripped down my chin. “I…I’ve found you…I finally found you.”

Kibum blinked as if he was holding back tears that I so freely shed at the sight of him. “What are you doing here?”

“Minho said you were here,” I replied softly as I wiped away the droplets of water on my face. This was not the time for crying. I have to be strong for Kibum.

Silence followed my words. I didn’t know what to say. Wait. Scratch that. I have a lot to say but I just don’t know where to begin.

“Well, this is awkward” Minho bluntly pointed out.

I gave him a glare which he ignored as usual. “Why don’t you go out and do something?”

Minho shrugged but got up, anyway. “I think I’ll go grab a coffee. Jessica, come with me.”

Jessica’s face drained off colours as she gulped in fear. “Ca-can’t I stay?”

“No. You and I need to catch up on certain things,” Minho said as he walked to the door. “And come now because coffee waits for nobody” he warned before disappearing out of the room.

“Why’s he being such a pain?” Kibum asked. “Are you going to be okay?”

Jessica sighed deeply before giving Key a reassuring smile. “I was the one who wanted to do this. I’ll be alright.” Then, she looked at me. “Don’t disappoint me, Jonghyun,” she said strictly before walking out after Minho, silently closing the door behind her.

I turned back to look at Kibum after Jessica had left. “I’ve missed you, Kibum. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Jonghyun, you just saw me in the morning,” he said with a slight roll of his eyes and I just had to smile at that. He was still the same diva that I loved.

“But I didn’t know it was you,” I explained. “Why did you have to dress up as a girl, anyway?”

Kibum was about to say something but then he changed his mind and looked away from me. It was as if he needed time to organize his thoughts. It was as if he had restrictions around me and the thought of that stabbed me in the heart. “It’s a long story,” he muttered with a hint of sadness to his words.

I took a step closer to his bed. “Why didn’t you tell me it was you when I saw you in the café the first day you were working there?”

Kibum inhaled deeply. “That’s because I didn’t know who you were and I still don’t know who you really are to me now.”

I took another step closer. “What do you mean?” I asked with a frown. “How could you not know me?”

Kibum looked back into my eyes. “Aren’t you supposed to be the one with the answers? Aren’t you supposed to be the one to tell me what had happened all those years I had known you? They told me that you were my boyfriend after all.”

I stopped moving closer to Kibum. “They told you that you were my boyfriend?” I quoted after him. “I don’t understand,” I shook my head; my heart was already squeezing in fear of the words to come.

“I lost my- Don’t you know?” he frowned at me. 

“What did you lose? What am I supposed to know? Kibum, tell me.”

He looked strangely at me. “I thought that you, of all people, would have known that I lost my memory.”

I felt as if a bucket of ice had been poured over my head. “Lo-lost your memory? How? When? What did you forget?” I demanded in a rush, begging that it wouldn’t be what I think it would be.

Kibum looked away from me again. A pained expression darkened his face. “I don’t remember my childhood or my teenage rebellious phase. I don’t remember anything before I woke up in this very hospital after the acci- I don’t remember you before we first met at the café.”

The world spun around me as Kibum’s words set in. “You- You’re kidding me right?” I added a nervous smile.

Kibum sighed, shaking his head. “I wish I was kidding too. I wish I didn’t forget who I was but now…I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I want to remember anymore. Everything is so hard. Everything is so hard that it hurts,” his voice cracked towards the end and my finger instinctively caught a tear that had leaked from his sad looking eyes.

“Don’t cry,” I said softly, my heart broke at the sight of him crying. I have always hated it when he cried because whenever he cried, it hurts me like needles poking into my soul. “I never used to like it when you cried. If you can’t tell me, then I won’t force you to. I’ll wait till you’re strong enough to say it,” I placed my hands on his face as my thumb brushed away the stray tears from his eyes.

Kibum retreated away from my hands and wiped the tears with his sleeve. “I- I’m sorry,” he gave a nervous laugh. “Was I this weak when you knew me?”

I tried to ignore the pain in my chest when he felt uncomfortable with my touch. What was he saying sorry for? Was it because he was crying? Or was it because he saw the hurt in my eyes when he pulled away from me? Had he really forgotten everything about us? All those moments we had shared. Holding hands while we walked amidst the dirty stares, stealing glances as we sat in class, waking up to sunshine together…had he really forgotten all those?

I smiled lightly with a small shake of my head. “No. You were one of the strongest people I knew. You fought bravely for what you believed in. You clearly distinguish right from wrong. You never ever let anyone look down on you. You never gave them the chance to say a word about our relationship. That was how strong you were,” I was reminiscing the past as I told him.

Kibum was silent but then, another tear escaped his eye. “I’m sorry,” he said as he impatiently brushed the tear away. “But I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know how to face you. I don’t know what I should do. I can’t think about anything except for that accident.”

“What accident?” I asked in confusion.

Tears were running freely down his cheeks now but I dare not wipe them away. I was afraid he would reject me again. I was afraid I couldn’t take it anymore.

Kibum’s lips trembled as he tried to stop the tears. “The accident that killed both our parents. The accident that made me lose my memories,” he was shouting now. “How could you not know? How could you?”

I stood there, confused and lost. “Kibum, calm down. Please. I- I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never heard of this accident. I- My parents are still alive, Kibum. They’re working overseas right now.” I paused before adding, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Of course I’m not alright! I saw the accident! I remember! We were both there when it happened! I killed my own mother! How can I be alright?” he shouted some more, his chest heaving with difficulty.

I couldn’t bear to stand there any longer just watching him break down and do nothing. I sat by his bed now and wrapped my arms securely around him. I inhaled his familiar scent into my nostrils. My heart beat erratically as I held him in my embrace. I tried to stop my hands from shaking as I rubbed soothing circles on his back. It had been too long since I had him in my arms and yet, he fit into them as if the space in my arms were especially made for him and only him. But had he always been this small and fragile?

“Kibum, how could you have killed your own mother? That’s ridiculous. You must have had a nightmare,” I said gently. “It’s going to be okay, Kibum. Everything is going to be okay. We’re finally together now. Everything will be alright again.”

Kibum suddenly pushed me away and I landed on my feet away from his bed. “You don’t understand! You don’t know what I saw! All you care about is the two of us when my mum- my mum, shes’-,” he gulped down his tears but more rained down his face. He glared at me. “It was your fault! It was all your fault! You did this! I did this! It was my fault!”

I raised my hands, palms facing him as I slowly got closer to him again. “Kibum, please. You’re not making any sense. Please just stop crying. Tell me what happened. Tell me what I don’t know so I can help you solve them. We’ll solve them together like we always did.”

“No!” he pushed me away when I was within arm’s reach. “I don’t want to see you! It hurts enough without you here! I just want you to go! Just leave me alone!”

My heart torn into a million pieces and I felt as if those torn pieces were being repeatedly stepped on. “Kibum, please. Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away. Don’t leave me again. Please, I’m begging you,” I didn't realise I was crying until I felt droplets of water splash down onto my shirt and feet. “I won’t press you for answers. I promise. Just don’t make me leave.”

The door behind us opened and a nurse stepped in. “What was the noise I heard?” she asked but then, saw the tears on our faces. “This patient needs rest. I suggest that you do not stress him any further. Would you please leave and maybe come back another day?” she said as politely as she could.

“But I-,” I looked back towards Kibum who was avoiding my eyes.

“Just go, Jonghyun. Leave,” he said in a monotone.

More tears streamed down my face. How did this happen? How did the reunion I had planned out so perfectly in my head turned out like this? What have I done wrong that I could never be with Kibum? Why? Why won’t they just let us be together?

“Sir, please. You have to leave now,” the nurse called out again.

I blinked away the tears as I scrutinized Kibum’s face, committing every detail of it to memory while I prayed hard that I would never lose this beautiful face again, that I would never have to rely on memory to see him anymore. I bit down on my trembling lips as I removed the chain from my neck with the lock pendant dangling from it. I stepped towards his bed again.

“Sir,” the nurse called out warningly.

I caught hold of Kibum’s hand and opened his palm. He was still refusing to meet my eyes. I placed the chain in his palm and closed his fingers around it. Kibum finally looked at me with surprise but I answered his surprise with a sad smile. “Keep it. That’s my heart that I’ve given to you and only you have the key to unlock it. Only you and no one else,” I said as I released his hand and moved away. “I’ll be going now, Kibum but I won’t be far. You know where you can find me,” I tried to smile bravely but only managed a twitch of my lips.

I stopped at the door. “I love you, Kibum,” I whispered. “Always did. Always will.”

The tears wouldn’t stop once the door closed once again separating Kibum from me. I was walking away now. I was getting further away from my love. Suddenly, I realised that I was feeling weak, that my weight could no longer support my legs. I slid down a wall and buried my head in my knees. Everything was just so overwhelming right now. I thought that the hurt was over. I thought my lungs could finally expand but now, it felt more constricted. All the air was being pushed out of it. I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t breathe. But what was the point of breathing if I couldn’t have Kibum? What am I supposed to live for if he doesn’t want me? But he didn’t say that he doesn’t want me, did he? All he said was to leave. He never said not to see him ever again.

With that thought came determination. I can’t give up so easily now. I have to fight for him or else, I don’t deserve him at all. This time, it was my turn to walk out on him but I will be back. I will not lose him again. Never again. But before I can claim him as mine, I have to hunt down some answers first and I happened to know who could give me those answers that I seek. 

author's note

Ta-da! An update! An update within a week! I think I must be all pumped up from watching SHINee's comeback performances! I couldn't get enough of the MV! Our boys are so hot! All of them! I think I'm hyperventilating already. Ahem...anyway, back to topic. The reunion that you guys have been waiting for! But I guess it didn't turn out the way you want it to be? *slowly retreats away into a corner*

P.S. I've noticed the decline in comments...is it because I rarely update so you guys are mad at me? Please forgive me!!! I'm sorry for not having enough time to update this! T.T  But please don't stop commenting. Your comments are seriously what that kept me going for this long!