That night, the members of Infinite came home extremely early in the morning. Everyone else in the apartments around them was already all sleeping. It was about 2AM when they got back to their dorm, and though they were all sleep-deprived, none of the members fell asleep right away.

            Sungjong tried, but he just couldn’t. He was supposed to call his parents that day, but his busy schedule didn’t allow it. That night, he stayed up because he felt guilty. The text saying that he couldn’t talk that day and would try to talk to them another time was terrible but inevitable. Sometimes Sungjong wished that he wasn’t so busy, but he knew that this wasn’t the first time that he didn’t have time to call his parents: to wish them a happy birthday, to wish them a happy new year, a merry Christmas, to do something more than just a stupid little text like he always had to do.

            He stared at his phone, wishing that his parents would call him telling him that they couldn’t sleep either, that sometimes they wished he wasn’t so busy either, that they had second thoughts about his decision to be an idol too. But he knew that they wouldn’t. His parents were probably thought he was sleeping, and they were probably asleep themselves.

            Sungjong leaned against his bedroom wall and listened to the soft voices he heard from other rooms in the dorm. Hoya and Dongwoo were still awake, obviously. Sungjong closed his eyes, listening to the soft voices coming from their room. He could hear quiet laughter and sweet whispers filling the air, and he tried so hard not to be jealous. He really did. But it was difficult when he had no one personal and close for him to love. Of course, he had his large number of fans, but he couldn’t go out and date one of them without the world staring him down. He had no interest whatsoever in his fellow members, and the other girls and guys in the kpop industry just didn’t spark anything from him. He had a model catch his eye once in a while, but being an idol meant not seeing models and others in the fashion industry very often. It wasn’t even a relationship he actually was craving for. The rest of the members, though he knew deep inside that they all loved him, just didn’t give him that much attention anymore, too busy with their own problems with each other. He was the one “too young” to understand.

            And not even his parents cared enough to reply to his “I miss you” texts anymore.

***

            Sounds of coughing and spitting were heard in the bathroom, and of course it was Woohyun in the bathroom again.

            The CEO had treated them to a belated “First Win for Man in Love” dinner party, and since the CEO was there, he had to eat and act like he was happy. He had to act like nothing was bothering him and his body wasn’t eating itself from the inside on a daily basis. The CEO noticed things that the members often didn’t, and that worried Woohyun whenever they had to be in the same room as him.

            The members knew nothing about eating disorders, but the CEO always noticed when someone wasn’t eating at dinner. Woohyun learned that during training days, when the CEO scolded one of the trainees for starving herself in front of everyone. Three days later the trainee was forced to leave Woolim because she couldn’t stop throwing up, and the CEO didn’t want someone like that in the industry that would make her even worse. She was sent to therapy right after and wasn’t allowed back into Woollim in fear that it would make her relapse. Woohyun knew then that he had to be careful.

            Luckily no one has noticed Woohyun’s problem yet. Sungyeol only caught him not eating once, and Woohyun was so glad that Sungyeol didn’t pry.

            Sungyeol didn’t ask why Woohyun didn’t eat that morning, and when he forced Woohyun to eat, he just sat there and watched. However, Woohyun couldn’t even throw up that day. By the time Sungyeol had left and broken down, Woohyun was too sad to do anything despite being out of the younger’s sight.

            Now though, Woohyun sat in front of the toilet and threw up everything that he had eaten earlier.

            Sungyeol looks up to Sunggyu. Sungyeol looks often at Sunggyu. Sunggyu is thin. Sunggyu is pale. I am not thin. I am not pale. This will make me pale. This will make me skinny.

            That was all that went through Woohyun’s head and the burning pain in his throat suddenly felt like nothing compared the pain in his hear. He then stood up and coughed into the sink. Looking into the mirror, he was surprised to see tears, but he did notice that he was paler now.

***

            Meanwhile, Sungyeol was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was glad to be okay with Myungsoo again. He really was, but he still felt as though something had changed.

            Today during the recording for Music Core, Myungsoo had attached himself to Sungyeol. Sungyeol was okay with skin ship. He actually was used to how Myungsoo acted with him. The fans liked it, and sometimes Sungyeol liked it too. But he felt like something had changed with Myungsoo’s skin ship that day.

            He hugged him during the performance and he even rubbed his stomach. That was the farthest he had ever gone with their skin ship. It was the first time that Myungsoo had actually touched his stomach using skin ship as a reason.

            Sungyeol looked down at his stomach, frowning a little.

            Did Myungsoo know that he still didn’t like his stomach? Did Myungsoo know that Sungyeol was still insecure about his body?

            He might have shown his “abs” on radio, but it only forced his self-esteem down even further. It had risen up, when he first saw it, but when he saw some of the other, degrading comments on it; it just shot down to even lower than it was before.

            ‘Those aren’t real abs.’

            ‘I can’t even see anything. What’s the difference from his old tummy?’

            ‘Haha, he’s still a kid.’

            Sungyeol leaned back into his pillow. He didn’t like being called a kid. It was so annoying. He hated it. He was twenty-two years old now; there was no reason for people to still be calling him a kid.

            He sighed, annoyed and not caring how loud he was. Sunggyu still had his earphones on high, and Myungsoo was hard to wake up.

Sungyeol turned over in his bed to look at Myungsoo on the other side of the room, but Myungsoo was turned the other way, facing the wall. Seeing that the younger had already fallen asleep, Sungyeol assumed that nothing had really changed that much after all. If something was wrong, Myungsoo was the kind of person who would stay up all night, tossing and turning.

Maybe everything’s alright now.

***

            But despite what Sungyeol thought, Myungsoo was still awake.

            He was staring at the wall so intensely that he could have burned a hole through it.

            He felt so stupid. He just had to touch Sungyeol onstage didn’t he? He couldn’t just keep his hands to himself? He couldn’t just be okay with Sungyeol letting him lay on his shoulder in the car again?

            When he and the rest of the members looked through their Twitter mentions, he had noticed a lot of “Myungyeol” comments from the fans. A lot of them seemed to be happy that “Myungyeol was back”, and the manager told Myungsoo and Sungyeol that they were doing a good job; he’d like to see more of “Myungyeol” onstage.

            Myungsoo was freaking ecstatic at the news, but then he remembered that the manager doesn’t know how Sungyeol feels about Myungsoo. It was pretty obvious to everyone how Myungsoo felt—obvious to everyone but Sungyeol.

            But the manager didn’t feel Sungyeol stiffen up when Myungsoo back hugged him. He didn’t hear Sungyeol’s heavy sigh just now. He doesn’t know what Sungyeol thinks about Myungsoo.

            He closed his eyes tightly, hoping that sleep would overtake him. He didn’t want to think anymore, and he didn’t want the image of Sungyeol rejecting him to fill his mind any longer.

            He hoped he would dream about Sungyeol thought, a good dream.

***

            Coughing a bit, Woohyun rinsed his mouth and walked out of the bathroom slowly. He was sure that no one would be in the hallway at this moment. It was too late for anyone to still be up, even with the messed up sleep schedules the members had.

            However, he saw someone at the end of the hallway.

            It was Hoya.

            Woohyun widened his eyes, hoping that Hoya hadn’t been there very long and he hadn’t heard Woohyun throwing up in the bathroom. He looked up at Hoya with a pleading look in his eyes, and he knew that if Hoya knew, then Woohyun would make sure Hoya wouldn’t tell anyone. If Hoya didn’t know, then Woohyun would just pretend like he was really tired and wanted to go to sleep.