“Have you ever fallen for someone before?” I could hear Minhyuk ask as he walked beside me, his arm over my shoulder as he gazed at me with that bright smile of his that I had grown used to for such a long time, and a smile that I admittedly loved seeing. The question startled me at first and my feet stopped their steps as I looked at the ground, pondering about what answer to give him.

“Now that you ask me, I don’t think I…” at that point in time, I wasn’t sure how it was to be in love, when Minhyuk asked me that question that afternoon in our way to our home I wasn’t sure what love exactly was, what it meant to be in love with someone as I had never asked myself what he was asking me.

“Do you probably have a crush on someone?” he tilted his head to the side, his eyes studying my expression of total confusion. I was surprised, I had asked that question to Jonghyun before and even though Minhyuk and I were real close, it was the first time that I heard him asking me that question for real, not teasingly or out of curiosity, but legit asking me if I was crushing on someone.

“Why are you asking me that all of a sudden?” I replied him with another question, to which his response was simply taking a step back and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand as the other was on his tie, fixing it awkwardly. He looked towards the floor and straightened himself before looking at me “What’s wrong Minhyuk-oppa?”

“I just… guess I got curious” he asked, biting on his bottom lip slightly as he wasn’t sure precisely where to look at anymore. It took me by surprise to see him uneasy like that and I won’t deny that, “Hey” he whispered and that made me stare at him curiously, “Do you like someone in our class by any chance?”

I blinked, did I like someone? I wasn’t sure, “Does liking my two best friends count?”

He pronounced my name seriously, “I mean it for real, I’m being serious!”

“Interested in my non-existent love life Minhyuk oppa?”

“I…” he took a step forward and placed both of his hands on my shoulders as he stared at me from above, ”Listen to me…” he said as my name rolled out of his lips.

“I promise I’m listening” I replied, still not sure what had got into him.

“There is something I want to tell you” his gaze fixed on my eyes, unmoving, kind yet serious, his soft voice not as steady and the grip on my shoulders became a little tighter, “I really want you to know this, I have been trying to tell you this for a long while” and for a minute there, for some reason I couldn’t quite figure out at the time, my heart started to speed up as Minhyuk was speaking.

Every word he said made my heartbeats race for some reason I wasn’t able to figure out, unconsciously my hands landed on the sides of his arms, over his coat, the one from our winter uniform.

“What is it Minhyuk?” I dropped the word ‘oppa’ this time, because I could tell he had something important to say.

“I…”

“Tell me?” his hands went from my shoulders to the sides of my arms and his gaze landed on the ground, “Minhyuk?”

He suddenly pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping tightly around me and his hands getting lost in my hair, “I’m sorry I can’t do this” he whispered, so lowly that it was almost inaudible, thousands of questions filled my mind in those seconds and the only thing I was able to do was to embrace him and pull him closer to me. He hid his head against my neck and whispered against it, “Promise me that you’ll tell me if you ever fall in love with someone alright?”

“Why out of a sudden…?” I was saying but the moment his embrace became tighter I fell silent.

“So I can make sure that person makes you happy and doesn’t hurt you”

“Minhyuk…”

“Promise me you will let me know” I could only nod in reply, there weren’t enough words to describe what I was feeling in that moment. Actually, there never were enough words when it came to some of the nice gestures he always had with me and I always thought that, whoever the girl that Minhyuk would fall in love with was; that she was going to be immensely lucky. Not only that, but it hurt a bit, thinking that all his attention would rightfully change towards that girl… it hurt to even ponder about it.

“What about you? Do you have anyone you like?” a simple smile was his reply, there were no words. Just smiles, no matter how many times I asked that day, “Yah Kang Minhyuk! I’m curious!” 

The question would show up from time to time and he wouldn’t give me a reply, not that day, not ever. He would tell me who the person he didn’t like was, but not the one he did. And in the back of my mind, it was something I always wanted to know; it was something that had my mind occupied all these years, a fleeting thought that would always show up from time to time.

“I love you”

And it came back to me right now, those times. Today, that high school memory flashed in front of my eyes in an instant after 5 years. As I could hear him say those words in the silence of my flat, with his hands cupping my face and his lips brushing against mine as I could feel him panting, breathless and I could feel the sound of my own heartbeats, as though my heart was threatening me to jump out of my chest at that very moment. 

“It is you whom I have always loved” the very sound of his voice just made me tremble in nervousness, the kisses we had shared made me shiver like I had never before. Sweet like he himself was, intoxicatingly sweet to the point I felt out of breath and with the overwhelming need to be that close to him once more.

Yet I couldn’t find a way how to answer to him, over the sound of my pounding heart and his soothing voice that I had always loved, in the warmth of his closeness that I have always enjoyed, words weren’t coming out of my lips. I was conflicted, and just like I had told him, my heart hadn’t beaten this way before. What are you Kang Minhyuk? What have you done to me just now? Are you the same Kang Minhyuk I have known for so many years? There were so many questions racing through my mind.

I could see his eyes gazing intensely into mine, with tenderness and a look I hadn’t seen before in them, as though this was something he had held secret for years and years, this look filled with love, the way he was panting and his hands slightly quivering –have you always looked at me with those eyes Minhyuk? Have I hurt you by not noticing or by saying your feelings were for someone else? And in the back of my mind I was wondering, have I been waiting for this? Have I always waited for you Kang Minhyuk?

My body was reacting on its own, as though it had been longing to feel this type of contact with him. Before I knew it, I felt him carefully leaning towards me and without noticing it, one of his hands was on my back and the other was placed next to me on the ground. Our eyes wouldn’t look elsewhere at that moment, my hands were cupping his face softly, “Minhyuk I…” I was saying, but I couldn’t finish my sentence when I unconsciously pressed my lips against his softly and Minhyuk slowly leaned towards me and made me lie down on my rug. At that moment, I wasn’t thinking any longer, one of his hands was on the side of my neck and my arms were wrapped around his back, bringing him closer to me as we were lost in the taste of each other’s lips.

I felt lost, weak even—when was the moment in which I wanted to feel him this close to me? My heart was beating like crazy, I wondered if he could feel it just like I was able to feel his heart rapidly hitting his chest. His fingers caressed my face as we broke the kiss for air and looked into each other’s eyes, still at a loss of words because of what was happening.

“I’ve always loved you, I’m sorry…but I have always been in love with you, helplessly in love with you” he said softly while a little bit out of breath like I was. I was trying to understand this information, to process it fully. Minhyuk was telling me that all these years he had been in love with me, that he loved me, me out of all people. The way he said those words, it was like he had needed to let them out of his chest for so long. And even though I was at a loss of words on what to reply to him, at the same time I felt terrible; he had had to cope with my being lovesick, my depression when I had broken up my past relationship, he had heard me complaining about what was going on with me and Jonghyun, I had bluntly told him about the times we had talked even, and even told him that he was in love with Jinae, my female best friend.

I had failed to notice how he felt for me, how much I had hurt him with my careless actions, and it hurt, at that moment, seeing him looking into my eyes lovingly, one of his hands caressing my face while his other hand was softly tracing the side of my neck, feeling both his knees at the sides of my thighs trembling, he himself was trembling like I was because of his touch. And the only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to hold him close to me and apologize for having been so selfish towards him and for having been that slow to not notice that he was in love with me.

“I’m not asking you to fall in love with me” he said, his gaze not moving a single inch, “I just want to let you know that I’m so damn madly in love with you and I can’t hide it anymore and I’m sorry for telling you about my feelings”

“Minhyuk…”

“I’m so damn madly in love with you, I don’t know how to stop this, I’ve tried—I’ve tried for years, but these feelings won’t leave” one of my hands carefully made its way to the back of his neck as I could see his eyes tearing up, probably just like mine were. It hurt, it was hurting so much to see him like this, “Tell me, what should I do to stop loving you? How do I stop my heart from beating this crazily right now? How do I stop this madness that has taken over me?”

My only reply was bringing him close to me, making him fall on top of me as my arms wrapped around him tightly, “What should I do about my heart, Minhyuk?” I replied while hiding my face against his neck, I could hear a sob from him and held him tightly in reply, “My heart is beating crazily because of you right now. Minhyuk, what do I do about that?”

“I don’t know the answer to that…”

“I’ve always needed you s