MINHYUK

The minutes she had been locked up inside the bathroom showering felt like an eternity. The sound of the falling water while she was showering was audible even if I was trying to focus in the TV program I had randomly chosen so that my mind was on something else other than knowing she was inside that place, showering, possibly trying to relax after the hits she had received from those girls that had attacked her after finding out that she had been with Yonghwa.

I wish I had known she had attended the filming set where I was shooting for that mv with Junhee, if only I had been aware she was on the set, she probably wouldn’t have had to deal with being hit by those girls. She wouldn’t have had to face violence, I could have protected her from any harm coming her way—I could have even been able to prevent the situation from happening altogether, taking her back to her flat instead of her having to walk and face the wrath of angry fangirls. I sighed in defeat, no matter how much I wish for things to change, the damage had been already done. I was thinking that it was all my fault, even if it really wasn’t, however having the feeling that Jinae may have been behind all that incident filled me with guilt.

I would have been able to continue beating myself up for it even more than I already was had it not been for the sudden vibrating sound that took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting anyone to call me, other than Yonghwa of course since I supposed he must have been worried about how we  were doing, or maybe he was wondering if I had been able to find her. I didn’t feel like answering anyone, my mind was filled with so many thoughts, thoughts that ranged from ones filled with guilt to those filled with images of her in my arms coupled with her words, about how she needed me and how that was filling with that bit of hope that constantly broke me right at the moment I realized again that she didn’t see me as anything but a friend.

It kept vibrating though, endlessly, the buzzing sound could be heard over the TV and the dripping water from the shower. I quietly stood up and walked towards the kitchen, the reason being that I didn’t want to disturb her with my voice when she most likely was relaxing and letting the water take away her pain even if a little. I leaned against the door frame as it was open, taking a look at the incessant calling. The moments my eyes fixed on the screen I felt a heavy weight inside my chest as I read the name of the person calling me, it wasn’t Yonghwa as I had been presuming. In reality, it was Jonghyun the one who was trying to reach me all the way from Busan, where he had gone off to for the premiere of his drama. I felt as though I had frozen on the spot, I hadn’t done anything that could label me a traitor but that overwhelming feeling that I was wrong for having been in love for this many years with my best friend’s ex, Jonghyun’s beloved one… and mine as well. That ever present sensation that I was the one in the wrong for loving her was filling my body and making me feel frustrated and pitiful.

I gulped as I saw the screen going off, what would Jonghyun think if I didn’t answer him at all? Or if I turned off my phone? Would he suspect of me? They weren’t even dating but I knew well that he was trying to make her fall in love with him and to me, he was succeeding. She was difficult to read because I truly didn’t know if she was still in love with him but I couldn’t hold onto mere hope of one day telling her what I felt, what I had been feeling for her all this time.

It didn’t take that long for me to be startled once more and be brought back to reality as the phone started vibrating again and Jonghyun’s name kept blinking in front of my eyes as my heartbeats were even more audible to me than the buzzing from my mobile. I slowly pressed on my screen yet it took less seconds for Jonghyun’s voice to be heard through my device than it took me to answer that call.

“Minhyuk! Hey what took you so long?!” Jonghyun quickly inquired, I could hear the voices of other people in the background chatting even though I couldn’t really make out what they were saying, they probably were staff from the broadcasting station.

“Sorry hyung, I was…cooking something, couldn’t reach for my phone that fast” I lied, I easily lied to him and it made me feel like the worst best friend in the world.

“Cooking? Oh that’s good because I called Jungshin a while ago and he said he was starving so that’s good to know”

“Y-yeah…”

An awkward pause followed, a silence I didn’t enjoy to be going through. I’m not sure if Jonghyun could tell if something was wrong with me. I tried to think rapidly of something to say to him so I wouldn’t end up giving way my whereabouts and have him thinking ill of me.

“How is everything in Busan?” was the first question that came to mind, to try to avoid at all costs him figuring out I wasn’t at the dorm. My hand landed on the doorknob, my gaze was fixed at the ground, I couldn’t keep myself still and I unconsciously began tapping my foot on the floor.

“Everything is going good, we are preparing some real good kimchi and some meat to eat so we can enjoy the drama since it starts in some minutes” he detailed.

“Ah really? I’m so happy for you hyung” I replied, trying to keep my voice as steady as I could. I felt like some random thief for some reason, maybe I was getting paranoid because of my mixed feelings about the situation I was in, but I was trying my best to keep up the appearances and not let him know that I was in a bit of panic state.

“Hey”

“Yes, tell me” I quickly responded, a tad surprised due to his sudden change of tone.

“Is everything okay Minhyuk?” Jonghyun inquired in a tone that made his worry known to me, I was good at keeping my feelings secret but it seemed to me that he was able to tell I wasn’t alright at all.

“I’m fine…don’t worry hyung, I’m fine…just tired” I quickly made up that excuse, expecting Jonghyun to take exhaustion as a plausible and logical answer to his question. After some seconds of being silent he suddenly spoke again.

“Well if you say so, but don’t forget to rest when you can okay? Also, can I ask you something…?”

“Yeah…go ahead” I replied, attempting to hide my hesitation and nervousness. I kind of had a feeling of what he wanted to ask, or who he wanted to ask about to be more accurate. And he had to ask me of all people because he trusted me, he trusted the friend who always was in love with the girl he also loved.

“Do you by any chance know where is she? She is not picking up my calls and said she would check out the drama but she isn’t answering” he quickly said. I was really evaluating whether actually telling him that her phone had been broken by some girls, and that she had been attacked by them. However, I was kind of nervous and worried that he might question why I was at her flat, at night and alone with her.

“Maybe her phone’s battery is dead?” I casually replied, trying not to give any hints of being suspicious. Suspicious, yeah of being best friend Kang Minhyuk, what else.

“You could be right, well Minhyuk-I have to leave, don’t forget to watch the drama okay? Like I did when you and Yonghwa were on Heartstrings” he said with a bit of a laugh, and I was sure he was grinning.

“Yes hyung, I never forget what you do for me, please take care”

I heard him ending the call quickly as someone was calling out to him. Moment I was sure it was finally over, I rested my head against the doorframe, slowly letting go of the doorknob I was holding onto. I let out a long sigh, feeling like I had done so wrong in lying to Jonghyun even if they were white lies. I told myself I had never lied to him, that this was the first time so openly doing so, but I was trying to just make myself feel better since I had been lying to him all these years by not telling him that I was head over heels in love with her and that I would do anything and everything in order to see her smile, even if meant giving up my own happiness.

A sudden soft tune carefully made its way to my ears, in what almost sounded like a whisper yet loud enough for me to hear her words rapidly brought me back from my being lost in my trail of thought, “…. That was Jonghyun, wasn’t it…?”

I slowly lifted my gaze from the ground while stuffing my phone in the back pocket of my jeans, “Yeah” I simply replied. I didn’t want to explain that much even if I was worried that she might have overheard me lying to him about being at the dorm, about not knowing where she was and all that we had talked about. However, I had to pretend there was nothing going on with me, I looked to the side to meet her gaze and she had already changed into her pajamas. I was taken aback by the sight of her, she was wearing an oversized light blue sweater paired with a pastel pink pair of shorts.

I must have been caught staring at her and my lack of saying anything made her eyes open wide, “I’m sorry, I forgot to do my laundry and had to put on whatever, sorry if this bothers you” she said while wrapping her arms around her waist, strangely ashamed at the situation we were in. I couldn’t pinpoint a time in which she had felt embarrassed of being alone with me; it never happened when we would use to have sleepovers, or when she would be overly clingy with me at school, or overly shameless on some occasions.