What is this? I asked myself as I locked eyes with Minhyuk while he was standing frozen in the middle of the hallway, he looked at me in the same state of shock I was upon noticing he was there. Jonghyun not turning around, not even noticing.

What is this? I asked myself once more as I practically dragged Jonghyun out of that living room so he wouldn’t notice Minhyuk’s presence in my flat. Why am I feeling so uneasy? My mind seemed to tell me as I tried distracting myself and Jonghyun at the same time. Distracting myself too much just in time for the glass I was holding to just slip from my fingers and end up shattering in pieces all around me, all at upon listening to Jonghyun asking where I had slept at, because the living room didn’t look tidy enough or so his perspective eyes seemed to have noticed.

My confused mind just didn’t allow me to think, I could only look at Jonghyun in shock, possibly looking afraid, not because of the glass breaking, but because he had almost found out, even if it was nothing but a little innocent question, “S-sorry I—I will clean this up and—“I was probably too preoccupied to notice that even my stuttering could give me away, that it could make him notice something was odd.

Until the shattered pieces of glass pierced through my skin, making my hand bleed, it didn’t hurt, physically it didn’t hurt, but I didn’t know why, I truly couldn’t understand why I felt like breaking down in that instant, “I’m alright”. I could only answer with those words to Jonghyun’s inquiries, he was worried, for real, he was. I didn’t want to start falling apart in front of him, it didn’t even hurt, it was bleeding, but it felt alright… it felt right for that to have happened to me, I couldn’t understand why, I really didn’t understand why it didn’t hurt physically but it was making me break inside.

“I’m alright, I promise I’m fine “those were the only word I could reply to Jonghyun, those were the only words I said before I quickly made my way out of the kitchen, where to go? What to do? Questions started forming in my mind. It was my house, but I wasn’t sure where to go, I didn’t know what to do, Minhyuk’s name came to mind at that moment, but I wasn’t sure if I could go to him like I always used to, for some reason, this time, I doubted, I doubted if I could come near him and ask him for help. For the first time, I tried stopping myself from asking help from him, the way his eyes looked at mine when he saw me there with Jonghyun, that expression on his face, there was something odd about everything, there was something odd about how this morning started, something that was making me doubt even entering my room to treat my own wound.

But I always, I always go to him for help, it’s always been him whom I’ve asked for favors, it’s always been him whom I run to when I needed a shoulder to lean on, it’s always been him who’s held me tight against him just to tell me that everything was going to be alright. I’m a horrible friend, I’ve asked too much from him, way too much from him.

“…What…what happened?” The same question he’s always asked when he sees me feeling uneasy, or when something’s really wrong. It was the first time though that I avoided looking at him or answering straight away, perhaps I was just worried of being heard, perhaps I was feeling like this only because this was not a normal situation for me, perhaps I was being paranoid.

“I’m alright! It’s nothing!” but I didn’t know why I said I was alright when I wasn’t. That sensation of guilt had invaded me ever since Minhyuk and I locked eyes when he was staring at us from the hall, it was a feeling I couldn’t shake off, but I just couldn’t mention it to him, I couldn’t say something I wasn’t quite sure of myself? Guilt? Pressure? Stress? What was it?

“Why didn’t you tell me your hand was injured?!”

“You cut your hand and you tell me that nothing happened?”

“Just sit…let me take care of that”

Stop that. Stop it already. Stop worrying for me, it’s just making me feel worse, it’s just making me feel worse and I don’t know why. Stop that. I’m breaking down inside as you try to treat my physical wounds. Stop that… Kang Minhyuk, stop it, please, stop. Stop worrying, it hurts and I don't know the reason why.

I must be a bad friend, a horrible one, telling the only friend that’s worried for me to that extent… to stop worrying because it hurts me seeing him worrying. I must be a horrible friend and person.

“Let me know if I hurt you” his soft voice almost in a whisper. He was being careful enough so he wouldn’t hurt me more than I already was, my eyes shutting tight when he started treating the wound with those medicines from my shelf.

“M-mianhe… The least I want to do is hurt you more…” curse those medicines, they heal but make you shriek in pain while they are it. At least, physical pain made me forget for a little how messed up I was feeling. He must have noticed that it hurt, for him to pull me close to him and tell me it was going to be alright, he must have noticed. I would have normally felt at ease when he did that, but this time, I felt like I was sinking for a reason I didn’t know, even if I put my hand over his and tried calming down, I still felt like I was sinking.

It had become evident that we both were trying not to look at each other. Him, only focusing in bandaging my hand, me, trying not to look at him, trying to stare somewhere else. Awkward, all of this was plain awkward. But it was probably because, hey, I was hiding my best friend in my room while my ex was outside, of course, I should feel awkward. I’m alright, I’m alright I repeated to myself as I gazed from one spot to another.

“He’s really in love with you, isn’t he…?” Minhyuk pointed out after acknowledging the fact that Jonghyun was probably inside the kitchen still. I wasn’t sure about how to answer to that, I didn’t even know why he brought that up. Perhaps he was right, perhaps he wasn’t, but he had lived more with Jonghyun than I had, he’s lived with him together for 5 years after we parted our different ways, of course, he knows him best.

I didn’t want to answer his question though, but it wasn’t like he was asking me if I was in love with Jonghyun, he was asking me if Jonghyun was in love with me. Why not ask Jonghyun himself though? I wasn’t the one to ask.

The awkward silence that followed was followed by just ‘thanks’ ‘I’m sorry’ and short answers. We had never been like that around each other, but from some time now things started changing. We weren’t behaving like we used to, and as much as I wanted to know why, at the same time I didn’t want to know the reason. I was afraid to find out what had happened, what had went wrong, at what point everything went wrong, especially when we had been laughing together the previous night.

“Is something wrong?” Jonghyun asked when he saw me arriving at the kitchen. Wrong? Yeah something is wrong, me. I wanted to say that nothing was, and I did, but stuttering, I normally don’t know how to cover how I feel, and I disliked that in cases like these.

Jonghyun was simply worried, like he always would, even if in most of the cases I ended up injuring myself because of our jokes with one another, he would truly worry. He never was an uncaring person.

 “Should I leave...? Perhaps you need to rest more and I’m just bothering you here”

He wasn’t being a bother, it’s just that he coming to my flat out of a sudden had made this morning an awkward one. Apologizing over and over again to him was the only thing I could do at that moment, it’s not like I wanted to kick him out of my apartment, but I couldn’t keep Minhyuk locked in my room anymore. He could feel uneasy due to this, having to listen his two friends from inside a room and hiding like he did something wrong, it must bother him. I was making Minhyuk go through something so unpleasant—I actually didn’t deserve his friendship.

“Stop apologizing, it’s alright, when you feel like talking, let’s go on a date, okay?”

Jonghyun left after I nodded, after all, he was asking nicely, we weren’t together but what could go wrong? It’s not like being next to Jonghyun was dangerous. I closed the door and stared at the floor. Really, what could go wrong? I turned around and leaned against the door, what could possibly go wrong…?

“Can I…have another chance?”

The words from the last time I had been alone with Jonghyun suddenly resonated in my head. The kiss in our trip to the mountains replayed in my mind, I had forgotten, of course, Jonghyun was trying to make things work again, it’s hard though, when just one is trying and the other isn’t sure of.

“Don’t kiss him anymore though…”

I gasped and suddenly dropped to the floor, my arms wrapping my knees tightly against my chest. Minhyuk’s words followed Jonghyun’s, even if it was just a memory, I didn’t understand why it suddenly made me feel like I was wrong at some point in my life.

“Why are you…” I said under my breath, my head resting against the door when the sound of steps rushing towards me startled me, “Oppa…”

“Are you alright?”

“Ne…” I tried covering how I felt but when I saw him, his words resonated even louder, “I’m just tired that’s all” I lied.

“Gosh, you gave me scare!” he dropped to his knees in front of me, it surprised me “Do you know how I scared I was when I saw you from the room? I thought you were ill again!”

“Minhyuk…”

Stop it. Stop it already, please stop worrying, it makes me feel bad if you worry, it makes me feel awkward if you worry, it makes me feel guilty for a reason I don’t comprehend. This is so not me, this is so not me to be wanting to tell Minhyuk to stop, that would be like telling him to stay away from me, how odd would that be? Especially when I was the one who asked him to sleep over to begin with? I was the one who felt like I needed him in that moment, but now I just want him to stop, ever since I opened my eyes this morning, I wanted him to stop worrying.

It’s not that I’m not thankful towards him, I just feel guilty with him worrying, I’ve caused him so much trouble lately… who am I kidding? I’ve always caused him trouble and I can only say ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘thank you’

 “Don’t scare me like that…” he said, smiling at me, ruffling my hair.

“Yah! My hair!” was my instant react