“Hey…Do you like someone by any chance?”

That question was asked over and over again by her. But I could only answer in my mind. You. It’s always been with you. For as long as I can remember it’s always been with you. Ever since the day I realize how I felt, it’s been you ever since. Even when you didn’t realize… it hasn’t been anyone but you.

“No one”

“Jonghyun-ah! You are kidding me right? That’s not possible!” She always said it wasn’t possible when I gave her a negative answer, I sometimes thought that she could see through me and actually realize that I wasn’t being completely honest with her, that I did have someone I liked and that I was just hiding it just for the sake of it. Yes, she knew, even if I didn’t show it, she seemed to know.

“Like, what do you know? Just stop being so nosy and let’s go back home!” I always took her hand in mine and pulled her close towards me so we could head back home, and she would always slap my hand away.

“Let go, I’m mad at you, we are not going home” most of the time that was her usual reply, I would always just stare at her trying to hold my laughter at her reactions, sometimes being with a girl like her was just plain hilarious, it was charming in a special way “W-what?! Why are you laughing?!”

Sometimes there wasn’t even need to reply to her, for she would get mad if I directly told her she was the one making me laugh out loud. Her stubbornness was a problem too, since she would be behave in such way and wouldn’t even move an inch from the place she was at, making us both waste time I would just throw her over my shoulder just to see her complaining and whining. “Yah! Lee Jonghyun! Put me down! Put me down right now!”

“No, we are going like this until you decide you want to go home”

“I don’t want to return”

“Alright then, I won’t put you down”

“Yah! Lee Jonghyun! YAH!”

She wouldn’t stop whining and punching me, making some of our classmates to look at us oddly, “Hey, stop Lee Jonghyun! This is embarrassing!”

“Are we going home?”

“We still were going to…”

“Are we going home?” I asked again.

“Yes we are, we are” she said burying her face on my shoulder, noticeable ashamed due to what I had made her gone through, this was just another impulse on my side just to have her near me for a little while as I covered things up with all the games and making fun of her “…put me down”.

“Sure” with no prior warning I brought her to the ground with me, obviously, shouting at me included due to the surprise, I put my hands at each side of her and looked at her from above “Get off of me!!” she shouted, slightly blushing.

“Sorry, I might have lost balance” In reality I never did, it was all on purpose, of course the grass made our fall feel softer but still, she only knew how to shout at me.

“Liar, you did that on purpose, off of me!”

“Like, why would I want to be on top of you to begin with? ert “ I said as I stood up and offered her my hand to help her stand up as well, but her eyes only threw daggers at me, she was definitely annoyed, even if she took my hand in hers. It was both, understandable and cute at the same time.

“What? ert?!” she shouted.

“Yes” I pulled her and made her stand straight, my hands running through her hair and fixing her bangs, “ert”

Those times were the times I was able to hold her in my arms with no other preoccupation than stealing smiles from her. Those were the times in which we were the happiest, it didn’t matter if we weren’t together at first, it didn’t matter, because the smiles, the fights, everything was so true to both of us, not a single thing was a lie. I wouldn’t dare lie to her, I didn’t want to lie to her, but I had to, breaking her heart in the process, that was possible the cruelest thing I could have ever done to her.

Lying about how I felt, lying about what she meant to me, lying to get her to get away from me. Lying, once, twice, thrice, just because I thought that being apart was the best solution at the moment. I regret it. I regret it deeply now that it seems so hard to get her back.

Sometimes I feel like she still feels something for me, sometimes I feel as though she doesn’t mind me. Truly, I don’t know how she feels at all, the kisses we shared after we started seeing each other again thanks to Minhyuk, those kisses… sometimes I think that they were forced and not true like our past ones. I felt like I was trying too hard in showing her my feelings and that I had changed—well not exactly changed, I actually never changed to begin, it might have seemed that way to her, but I was just trying to get us both to start breaking apart so our break up wouldn’t hurt much. It was stupid. It hurt. Me. Her. It hurt us both.

But now, now that I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back or if I’m just trying everything in vain, I’m not sure about anything.

Perhaps that’s why right at that moment I was standing in front of her door, wondering whether I should knock or not, wondering if it was the right thing to do… wondering if she’d want to see me. She hadn’t come to Inkigayo to see our last performance in Korea for a while, she had dumped me right at that moment but I was sure something was up; she wouldn’t deliberately not fulfill a promise.

“Geez Jonghyun...make up your mind” I whispered to myself, pondering whether I should push the doorbell button right now or in some minutes, or if I shouldn’t do that at all and just leave because I was positive that perhaps she didn’t want to see me and that was the only reason why she turned me down to begin with.

My body reacted first than my mind though and in a matter of seconds I pushed the doorbell button and waited for her to open the door. What was I going to do if she did open though? I wasn’t quite sure, perhaps just talk, mainly that. It took a long while before I finally heard her voice, “Who is it?”

“It’s Jonghyun, sorry, did I wake you up?” I asked from outside.

“No, not at all” she answered. It was weird though, she didn’t answer the door straightaway and the sound of her voice sounded like she had been rushing inside the place.

“Um…can I come in?” I inquired as I got closer to the door. She slowly opened it and stared at me, the look in her eyes seemed filled with nervousness for some reason.

“Good morning…” she slowly said and then opened the door fully, looking down to