The Girl on the Other End by LovingCreek
I WANT TO READ!! SEND ME UR STORY!! I'LL GIVE FEEDBACK-2!!DISCLAIMER:
I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY
Title: When I was going through the list of requests, your title stood out to me the most, its eye catching and provokes thought without giving away too much of the story so good job on that!
Foreword: So short but very engaging, it got me hooked in the first go. I’ve had ideas similar to yours, writing about the hateful enemy as a human and whatnot so I was pleasantly surprised. The world isn’t all black and white so from the very beginning I knew that your characters were going to be explored in depth. I’m really impressed with this foreword but maybe try and reword some bits do deliver more impact? It’s beautiful enough as it is but with a little effort it could almost be poetic.
Your presentation of the story is simple and clean, not hard on the eyes at all and your poster is very well suited to the feel of the story. I like how everything is subtly elegant. If you look at your title again, it’s nothing special but you look again and there’s this inexplicable enigma about it. That’s talent :D
Plotline: As I said before, this plot is definitely original and I happen to be super partial to Jiyoon of 4minute (not sure if you were actually using her as a character) so I really enjoyed reading it the entire way through. However, as someone very well familiarised with mental illness I have to question some of the actions and motives of your characters. Depressed people are generally very irritable to have around and Eunjoo’s sudden tantrums remind me of bipolar disorder so I couldn’t really understand what beauty Myungsoo saw in her. And despite what the story says (Eunjoo was truly in love) I still believe it’s debatable because usually love doesn’t manifest itself in vengeance. Maybe her utter and complete dedication to Woohyun was a result of childhood negligence? Maybe an inferiority complex? Then maybe you should have expanded a little more on that aspect of her character.
Delving into the world of psychology is difficult and requires a lot of research so maybe work a bit harder on that next time. Here are a few things I find unrealistic:
- If she shot Woohyun in the stomach she would have been charged unless let go on the count of insanity and she isn’t insane. Depression doesn’t count as insanity as I far as I know.
- It’s understandable that everyone hates her so why would her loving family not move her somewhere else?
- Therapists usually don’t visit your house and it is strictly unprofessional for Myungsoo to be tagging along because most therapists are bound with confidentiality agreements.
- Where would Eunjoo get a gun? She’s a high school student in Korea.
- Law enforcement officers can’t hand down punishments only the judge and jury. Sunggyu is not in a position to protect Eunjoo.
- I find it strange that Eunjoo would so readily give her heart away. That kind of severe trauma can lead to years and years of distrust. And Myungsoo’s character isn’t really expanded on so I wish you could’ve paid a little more attention to him
- And also, gun shots are a huge source of trauma, even trained soldiers can never shake of the shadow of a bullet. Woohyun I think would be rather scared of her rather than cocky and immature.
Overall enjoyment: despite the logical flaws, I really enjoyed the story and I guess that’s just the charm of your writing style :) Apart from some small typos this is a fantastic fic. Good job!
So here it is~
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