Jung Yunho

I blinked rapidly as I sat down on the couch, waiting for her to come out of the changing room. My heart was racing very quickly when I tried to imagine what to say during the press conference that Grandma had arranged for us. Us meant me and Go Ara.

We had agreed to succumb to our elder's request that was for us to marry each other. It was a mutual understanding. She wanted to fix her heart by locking it with me, and I wanted to forget him because I realised the situation wasn't favouring us. I love him, I really do but I didn't want to hurt him anymore. He didn't deserve what I had done to him. Even with the , he didn't enjoy it even though I was having difficulties pleasuring him. He was so mysterious; it felt like forever to break the shell. He was hurt by the way he behaved and just ran away after we're done.

I wished I hadn't been the one who did this. I knew I'd lost. I'd lost to society's need and my family's. If it weren't because of Grandma I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be announcing our marriage.

But since this morning, my heart wasn't at ease. It was beating rapidly like it didn't want to stop at all. I was very afraid, very unsure of the decision that I had made. What if I was wrong about his heart and feelings towards me?

What if my action hurts him?

I was startled when a very cold object was pressed to my cheek. I turned around and saw Go Ara in a pale pink dress smiling at me with a can in her hand.

"Hey," her voice was shaking. She smiled at me, the very same smile that I knew since we were very young. It was there when I was down and it was always present whenever she was around me. "What are you thinking about?"

I didn't answer. I just stared at her ethereal beauty.

"You know we don't have to do this if you don't want to," she said soothingly as her hand gave the can to me. I took it and stared down at it with endless attention. What should I do now? Should I back down? Should I hurt her heart?

"No, I can do this. We have to do this," I replied half-heartedly.

"But you don't look happy," I forced myself to smile. She sat down; her thin body looked so fragile like it would break any time. "Come on,"

"I may not look happy, but I am here with you. I want to fulfil this promise," she smiled again. I caressed her hair and kissed the top of her head. She took my hand and off we went to the hall where the reporters were waiting.

***

Two weeks later, I went to the party that was being held at our home. Lots of our business affiliates and company owners were there to celebrate the union of two wealthy families. The elders seemed happy as they socialised with each other. The younger ones were here too. Most of them just following what their elders asked them too and there's plenty of flirting went on too.

I however had lost my spirit. I was lost in my own world, of how I longed for this situation to be different from what it was right now. I wanted him to be tied to me; I wanted to hold his hand desperately. I wanted to be nice to him if ever I would meet him again. He had had enough sufferings, I'm not sure if it was me I would want to live anymore.

When I was browsing the guests (desperately trying to find him here if I could) I saw Changmin's father. Shim Byuhee. His name lingered in my ears like an echo. His name was once feared but infidelity had its own power. He cheated on his wife, and so was forced to change his name back from Jung to Shim, and when the illegitimate child was born, he couldn't use the name Jung either. It was a miracle that Grandma loves the child so much she nearly forgiven Shim Byuhee's acts but despite everything he had already left the country. Changmin was left behind.

And how dare he appear here and since when did he come back?

And did Changmin know about this? Had Changmin forgiven his father? Even though I fought a lot with Changmin, I loathed his father more. He shouldn't treat his family that way. It was disgusting and shameless.

He walked nearer to me. I straightened up so that I would look taller even though he was a bit taller than me, just like Changmin.

"Congratulations," he offered his hand and I only looked at it. I didn't want to shake it. It was unprofessional of me but what could I do when the hatred was beyond everything? I might hate Changmin but still I couldn't brush the fact off that he was abandoned when he was a kid. He had had traumatic incident, unlike me who had a loving family. "Well, still didn't like me?"

"Nope." I said with a serious face. He shrugged.

"Well, I couldn't force you to. I thought Changmin would be here so I came," what? Shim Byuhee grinned devilishly. "Aaahh...he ran from home again. Should have known the rebellious kid will always be rebellious,"

"He ran from home?" he always did that when he was young. That was why he was fearless the way he is right now.

"Oh, he didn't tell you?"

"Why the hell he should do that? We are not that close,"

"But you're the closest to him, regardless if you hate him or not." Shim Byuhee drank the liquor like it was a mineral water. "He would always tell you where he'd been,"

"He didn't contact me," now I felt worried. Damn it! I don't want to! Speaking of which, I hadn't meet him in these few days since he caught me sleeping with the kid. Did he run away after that because of it?

"Why don't you call him?"

"He didn't want to see me."

"Damn right he didn't want to see you anymore after what you did," I spat. "Why are you burdening your responsibilities on me?"

"I'm not a good father, I know..."

"Does that mean you regard me as his father? I couldn't even stand him," I mumbled and he laughed heartily. And I thought he cared about his only son! "Poor me!"

I walked away from him, huffing and if I could I wanted to kick him violently on his face so that he knew what he did was very wrong and had tainted our family's name. I took a glass of liquor that the serving girl who wore a really short skirt and pleasantly wasn't too suitable for this part smiled at me. I didn't smile back, instead I took another glass and walked to the balcony where there wasn't anyone. I drained both the glasses in one go. No one bothered me for a while.

I started to think about Changmin. I took out my cell phone and called him. He didn't pick up. I called again, and again. I looked around to see if he's here but of course he wasn't. I swallowed my saliva. Changmin had never stayed away from his phone.

I waited for a moment and tried again but still he didn't answer. I resolved in texting him.

'Changmin-yah, where did you go? Your Appa had come here and looking for you. Do you know that he's here?'

I waited and after thirty minutes later, no reply came. I called again but still with the same result. Why wasn't he answering the phone? He always answered my call even with sarcastic remarks and tone. But at least...

Where would he go when he ran away from home? Did he go to school? Did he go to the amusement park, again? Did he go to Busan? Or Gwangju?

Even when we were always fighting, I actually knew if he had gone anywhere outside Seoul because he would end up telling me where he'd gone if I ask him. But this time...

My head couldn't focus on what I was actually doing at the party. I walked to the exit and Go Ara spotted me.

"Hey," she grasped my wrist. I turned at her.

"I have to find Changmin,"

"Why?" her voice sounded scared, and she looked like she was, too. I scanned around. There wasn't anyone who could make her like this. Maybe it was only my feelings.

"I'll talk to you later. I am afraid that he was somewhere with the police again," I just made that up. The last time he went to the hospital, I was the first one that Junsu called.

"But you'll be back, right?"

"I don't know..." she stared into my eyes. I was frightened of this look, because it gave me insecurities. "I can't promise anything, Ara-yah..."

"But..."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you..."

"...you're my future groom,"

"I know. And I'm sorry but this can't wait," I patted the behind of her hand and kissed her forehead before I dashed out of the exit.

***

I arrived at his house. No one was there except for the maids and the butler. They said that Changmin hadn't come home for a while. To be exact, he wasn't home for the last two weeks since Shim Byuhee came back.

I called Changmin, desperately chanting under my breath that he would pick up the phone. I went to his room and rummaged his drawers and found his passport. He had not been out of the country yet, I'm sure of it. I found a happy birthday card, from Junsu.

Wow, this was new. I never thought he would be this close to Junsu that the younger kid would be giving him birthday card. Or maybe he threatened Junsu to give him one. I opened it, and saw the scrawny handwriting on the bottom of the bear drawing.

'Happy Birthday, please don't bully me anymore,' and there was a smiley with the word 'eu-kyang-kyang' underneath it. 

When was his birthday again? How this stranger can knew when was Changmin's birthday that me who was his own cousin couldn't remember very well?

I put the card back inside the drawer. He didn't have any cards anymore. I closed the drawer and looked around the room. His room was moderately decorated and mostly of stuffs of astronomical values. Stuffs that included space, and airplanes and whatever those were associated with flying and out of reach.

I sighed. Where could he have gone to? Why didn't he pick up his phone? Why didn't he tell anyone?

And why was I so stupid to not realising that he had gone missing?

a/n Annyeong haseyo, reader-ssi! aaah...i am so relieved after the exam, so i wrote a very short chapter because I think Yunho needed to have his own thoughts about how he really felt about this relationship. heh...

and really, both of the cousins actually were really close with each other more than they think. i didn't actually think the cousins would be this close, but as the story flows, i think it is essential for both of them to be like that.

and thank you for waiting and reading the story! *bows down*