Night had finally come and the 9 of us were ready to continue our journey. After falling asleep amidst my thoughts, I was woken up by HaeRi hours later when her shift ended. Everyone refilled their canteens, prepared their weaponry, re-mended their wounds, and divided themselves in groups. Since I wasn’t in the best condition to be taking charge, and apparently neither was JongIn, Lay took the lead and gave out the orders. The groups were formed based on member’s height and weight, since there were only 3 horses left, the 9 of us had to be well divided amongst them. I would ride together with SuHo and Lay; Chanyeol, Lia, and HaeRi would be in another horse; the last group consisted of LanFang, XiuMin, and Kai.

As the others made the last adjustments before departing, I took the time to glance at the Desert night once more. It may be the last time I see it as a player; maybe next time I see it I’ll be a voice-less prisoner… Maybe I won’t see it ever again, because I might be 8 feet underground… But I pray I never see it again because I’ll be leaving this place forever! And yet, even though I have the same goal, the atmosphere around me isn’t… All it took was one inconvenient visit to turn on all my insecurities, and thus it took one mistake to change everyone’s perspectives… Lastly, it took one discovery to tie together loose ends and make out the road towards knowledge… But now… now that I know the truth, I don’t know what to do… It’s too early to confront JongIn, yet again we’re almost at the end… and the main reason I can’t talk to him is because I haven’t discovered myself yet… I don’t have the answer towards my own questions…  What I fear the most is that this crisis has come upon me right when the group needed me the most. These last few hours have been very hard for me, occupying my mind with so many thoughts, ideas, assumptions, theories, questions, doubts, fears… Making me unable to take crucial decision, or simply give encouragement to my friends… I tell myself over and over again that I must settle things with Kai, but every time I take a look at him, he is completely ignoring me… I never knew that could hurt so much…

Lay saw the slump I was in and stood next to me, taking the opportunity to glance at the Desert night as well. I sensed he wanted to tell me something so I turned his way and just stared at him. He took some seconds before turning his sight towards me, wearing a serious expression. I felt so tense, I knew he was going to scold me for my lack of leadership; I just wanted to cry right on the spot. Lay suddenly changed his mien to a comprehensive smile; YiXing appa had taken over. He stretched his right arm and grasped my shoulder, squeezing it lightly, sending over me a feeling that someone was understanding me. I had to take advantage of the situation and share my emotions; I needed someone to guide me right now. I couldn’t keep being alone with these thoughts; someone had to help me!

MJ: YiXing oppa… I’m crumbling at this very moment… I’m failing you all… I need you to help me…I’m… I’m afraid of losing… not only the game, but loosing someone’s friendship as well… YiXing, Kai-

The young man signaled me to stop my conversation. He gestured something short and simple to understand; he told me to read his lips. Taken by surprise, Lay inserted his left hand under my school vest, placing it right over the bare skin right above my heart. With his right hand he pushed my back forward, making pressure on my chest. Lay had proven to be quite the doctor –besides an exceptional friend- so I trusted him with whatever he had in mind. I was still watching his lips, and so he began moving them slowly. They were words; No, they were names… He mentioned some names of people I’ve been in contact recently; most specifically, men… YiXing, XiuMin, Kris, SuHo, … LuHan…… Kai…

Upon hearing the last name, I felt how my chest hurt underneath Lay’s hands. He smiled and withdrew his hands from me, placing them now over my shoulders. Wearing a rascal-like smile, YiXing slowly gestured a simple message: “Kai is just as worried as you are. When you’re ready, go talk to him with the truth… With your heart out on your hands…” I was taken aback with the young man’s declaration. It was certain he knew something even before I could tell him… could it be he knows about Kai?... Could it be he knows about me, without myself even knowing? He saw how confused I had become, and decided to finish off the conversation with an “I’m keeping a close eye on you”. He patted my hair and went towards the horses, starting to move the group to our next destination. I stayed there for a few more minutes, deciphering what Lay had done and said… He knew it… He knows what I’m going through right now… He FELT the DIFFERENCE between LuHan and Kai… Something I’m just not ready to clarify…And I have a feeling I’m not riding with Lay by pure casualty…

My inner debate was interrupted by LanFang, who had come to tell me it was time to leave. She looked worried, so I knew it was time to leave these things behind for a moment and regain control of my Family. I smiled at her, and taking the lead I dragged her back to where the others were, already mounted and looking towards the immense wall that was destined to be our future. The Canyon Wall was tall beyond imagination and wide as the Desert itself, with a sharp orange color, wearing a brittle-form. The gigantic wall was divided in two by a high curvatious corridor that let little moonlight in between.

We have spent the last 12 hours staring at this wall and its mysterious corridor, trying to imagine what the end will be like… What will we encounter behind this wall? How will we react?... What are we to do in order to survive…and win?... There was only one way to find out! I mounted my horse with the help of SuHo, who was pulling me from above since he was already on the animal. Lay would steer the beast, I was in the middle, and SuHo in the trunk. Chanyeol was steering his group and Kai did the same with his. I benefited from this moment to have another glance at JongIn; he looked so miserable and decrepit. I couldn’t bear the pain, and so looked the other way… Yet, said image gave me the strength to regain myself. I had to be strong for him; for them all! A team is but the reflection of its leader, meaning everyone was feeling down because of me. If I gained courage, so would everybody else. And even though I know what Kai’s emotions are like right now, he would appreciate the fact that I perked up for the clan… I know so! I told Lay to go up front so I could make an announcement. He did as told, and upon taking everyone’s attention, I took a deep breath and simply let my heart talk.

MJ: Everyone! I know these past few days have been intense, and these recent hours have been dense. I just want to tell you all that, in this final stage we are about to commence, I will give my all! As I met each one of you throughout the game, I promised different things. And it doesn’t matter if you believe me or not; and it doesn’t matter if it’s a simple or complicated matter, I will do whatever it takes to accomplish them all. Before we introduce ourselves into this canyon, I ask of you to be aware of the surroundings; but above all, protect one another. Sometimes unknown factors interfere with our mind, emotions, and soul, causing perturbations to oneself, and misunderstandings amongst each other. But always remember… (I turned my stare towards JongIn, who was pensively glancing my way; we locked eyes)… I love each one of you in a unique and special way, and no matter how many vicissitudes we go through… my feelings won’t change… And I pray that once we leave, those feeling will stay the same forever…

I noticed how I started to feel lighter within. All I really needed was to open up to them and show how I really felt. The guys nodded, the girls smiled… and JongIn slowly unfurrowed his brows, finally giving off a more relieved aura. I bit my lip trying to prevent my voice from cracking; I wish I could go on, giving everyone a piece of my heart, but we were running out of time. Not only that… I still didn’t know what I would say to Kai… I’m still oblivious to what my heart has to say about him…

MJ: I’m sorry I came out with this topic all of a sudden; I just wanted to make sure you all knew. We don’t know what’s coming our way, so I wasn’t taking any chances…

ChanYeol galloped his horse near me, and with a funny little grimace started gesturing I had to think positive! And how nothing was going to happen to us! But most important, the fact that I had promised we were all coming out together! Even though the moment was a very serious one, I couldn’t help but let loose a chuckle. The tall man had managed to lighten up the mood, making me feel more comfortable.

MJ: Haha! Stop it Channie! I know I know! I just didn’t want to sound so presumptuous all the time! Haha!... Thanks Oppa…

I smiled towards him, receiving an enormous grin with Chiclets teeth as a response. Now it was time to continue; we had to make the most out of the night.

MJ: Everyone, we’re in the last stretch!  SHOW NO FEAR! SHOW NO WEAKNESS! SHOW NO~ NO~ NO~ NO MERCY! LET’S DO THIS!!!

I finished out my B.A.P interpretation with a giggle, laughing at my own sudden outburst of energy and confidence. The group laughed with me, and even JongIn couldn’t deny the smirk that had curled on his face; I finally felt at peace. And so, Lay guided our horse up front, followed by ChanYeol’s and finally Kai’s; since the path was narrow we had to go one behind the other instead of side-by-side. Upon entering the poorly lit corridor, a strong current of cool wind clashed against us all, making us stop for a moment to regain ourselves; I sensed something peculiar within the mass of air... We continued on, taking the opportunity to witness the beauty of this natural monument. Our slow pace made me little-by-little fall into the usual unconscious state that always leads to me questioning myself…

LuHan… Why have I been forgetting you recently? Why aren’t you the center of attention anymore? I thought … I thought nothing was more important than you. I only wanted to save you; you only! I wanted your happiness, even if it didn’t involve me… I thought it was true love… I still believe its true love, but… something else acquired the same importance… someone else became as important to me… It’s all so confusing and hurtful! How can Kai become as valuable as LuHan in jus t 9 days!? …Wait… Are you accepting you love JongIn…. like you love LuHan?.... No, no way… That isn’t possible! LuHan is the only man for me!  And Kai… Kai is an amazing person: his values, his actions, his goals and dreams… Every aspect of him is just spectacular! He’s… he’s just a friend… Yet, if I’m so confident about both issues, why do I keep feeling so miserable? Like something isn’t being answer correctly… Like I’m failing someone…

Just then, my thoughts were disturbed by SuHo, who had placed his head on my right shoulder. He was peeking at me in between my messy hair, wearing a childish smile. He wrapped his arms around me, intertwining his fingers above my waist, and locking me into his possession. If Kai had done this, I would have taken it as a brotherly thing… Maybe if he did it now that I knew the truth I would think he was simply trying to hide his pain behind a normal friendly attitude… But when SuHo did it, it felt totally different…. Even though I was looking at a smiling angel, I sensed a hungry man devouring me from the inside out. I felt uncomfortable in this position; I felt disconcerted at the contrast between sight and feel. I was thinking about how to shove him off without hurting him, because I know he’s having problems of his own and I have to be careful how I act.

MJ: …I’m alright Oppa… Don’t wor-

Lay acted quicker than my words; he must have sensed something in my voice. YiXing had extended his right arm backwards, grabbing SuHo’s hands and parting them, letting me free from the Guardian’s clutch. Even though they never looked at each other, I knew this would be the start of a new conflict… SuHo’s face was now of annoyance, dashed with a little disappointment. This time, I couldn’t find a way to make him feel innocent, because if I did, it would only encourage him to keep getting closer towards me. I just stayed quiet, freeing my mind, trying to connect the dots, and thus, a hypothesis was born… I leaned closer to Lay, whispering into his ears, making sure no one else heard…

MJ: …Does “keeping a close eye” on me mean Kai sent you?...

Lay looked over his shoulder, interchanging glances with me. After retuning his gaze on the road ahead he made a soft, yet firm, nod. I nodded back, returning to my initial position, and acting as if nothing had just occurred between any of us three. And so this new information brought me back to my deep-dark-thoughts… I thought Lay grouped up with me to give me some encouragement, but after seeing how he acted towards SuHo made me think otherwise. YiXing wouldn’t have the need to be so defensive over me, unless he thought something was harmful for me, but this wasn’t the case. Knowing that Kai and Lay have been friends for years, it wouldn’t be a surprise Lay knew about Kai’s love secret. And so, I’m guessing JongIn sent Lay over for two things: to spy on me, or to protect me… And once again, I confirm that 9 days has been all the time I needed to know who JongIn is… He doesn’t have the need to spy on me! He must have asked Lay to protect me from SuHo; maybe not protect, but make sure we weren’t so close or that I wasn’t disturbed by him… Aish JongIn! You keep ignoring me, making me feel responsible for our distancing, yet you secretly take care of me… You just keep on playing with my emotions Kai… I wanted to look back so bad. I wanted to see him. I NEEDED to gaze at his beautiful face; that serene visage that filled me up with strength. Kim JongIn had become my motive for this game… And what about Luhan? What NEW role does LuHan acquire then? Isn’t HE supposed to be the one and only reason for this victory?...

I was starting to get a headache, but far more disturbing, was how I slowly gained the desire to cry. So many feelings tangled inside only made me worry more about the outcome… Someone would prevail, the other would suffer… If I gave this anymore thought, I would slump back to the state from earlier today. I had to stop it for now, or else I’d risk everyone’s tranquility once more. Still, my emotions didn’t want to leave me alone, and the fear of letting tears down came over me. In a quick attempt to hide, I leaned my head forward, pressing it against YiXing’s back. I felt how he turned around to see what had happened, but simply let me be without making any gestures. He knew well…

So time went by as the moon continued its trajectory. I stayed on the same position, clearing my mind of emotions, and concentrating on the possible encounters we’d face any moment now. Suddenly, Lay came to a halt, and so did the rest of the horses. I lifted my head and positioned my view on what lied before us. The Canyon path was split in two passages. Taking into consideration our past experiences, one path would be the right one, while the other would lead us to our doom, so this decision would take more than just “eenie-meenie-miney-moe”.

MJ: Okay…I wasn’t expecting this… We’ve gotten out of worse situations, so we’ll think of something soon… I hope… Come on guys, put those neurons to work!

I looked back, seeing how everyone was thinking about the newly encountered problem, or were exchanging signs about possible ideas. I searched in between the crowd to find Kai; seeing him somewhat calmed me. He was looking at the ground, meditating on the topic. Suddenly he raised his head and rode his horse closer to ChanYeol’s. Kai stopped next to Lia, where he gestured a question towards HaeRi. I dismounted our horse, again with SuHo’s help; now I felt bad for him since his always helping me besides the circumstances. I walked toward the others, finally coming in contact with Kai.

MJ: Kai, did you think of something?...