The Sun was out shining with full intensity; at this moment and time anything could be possible. Everyone was sound asleep around the oasis, close to each other in order to stay inside the Platform. After the horse was taken in, the guys began the butchering as Lay prepared a fire. A couple of hours later everyone had eaten, bathed-in-company, and were now taking their well deserved rest. SuHo and I were taking the 1^st guard; Kai and Chanyeol would do the 2^nd, MinSeok and LanFang the 3^rd, HaeRi and Lay the 4^th. I was standing towards the Canyon’s direction, while SuHo guarded the Desert side of the Platform. Even in broad daylight, and knowing someone else was awake as well, I felt alone… sad… incomplete; as if I had left something without a proper conclusion… and I knew exactly what it was… After Kris appearance nothing has been the same, neither between the members, nor me with them… but especially with Kai. I sensed JongIn wanted to talk to me about certain things, but I really wasn’t in the best position to discuss with him. He’s so overprotective, and he tends to make a fuss over simple matters. I understand why he acts like that, but right then and there, I just didn’t want to deal with it; he would have see through me and sensed I was crumbling. But as time went by, and I saw how distant he kept being, I knew I had to put things in order. I mean, we weren’t fed up with each other, but some things had been cut a little too short and without explanation. And like I told SuHo earlier, I need everyone in perfect conditions for the finale battle, and right now neither Kai nor I are in that state. I have to solve this little dilemma soon, before everything keeps getting complicated or worse… before it’s too late. Right now winning this game has taken a greater priority than anything else in my life. At first it was only LuHan, but  now is for everyone… to many people are counting on me, and I’m not letting any of them down… even if… even if it means I die trying…

I took a deep breath and turned around, ready to go wake up JongIn and talk to him in private. But as I walked around the Platform, making sure not to step on anybody, I came face to face with my watch partner. JunMyun smiled at me, but this time I had difficulties giving him a sincere grin. Seeing him next to me made more obvious how Kai is being towards me… or is it how I’m being towards him? The fact that it’s SuHo that’s keeping watch with me, and not Kai, explains why I’m feeling so empty right now. Earlier before everyone went to sleep, I asked who would keep watch with me, since it would be safer to have 2 persons watching instead of one. I was sure JongIn would come running up to me and give me one of those cocky eye smile, but instead I had to wait a couple of seconds for SuHo to raise his hand. Afterwards the rest made their own guarding duos, leaving out Lia; not due to her condition -because she has proven to be useful in her own way- but because she is the youngest and less experienced in combat. Kai ended up with Chanyeol for the simple reason that the remaining four had their lovey-dovey pairs already made. And I’m not bothered by the fact Kai is with someone else, I’m just sensible about the fact he did it because he’s evading me. But I’m afraid all of Kai’s worries, fears, and angers go by one short name: SuHo. Ever since JunMyun joined our crew I’ve been having nothing but disagreements with JongIn; and it’s not because SuHo is a problematic person, but because Kai simply dislikes him. And time after time I’ve told the young tanned boy that his Hyung will not interfere between our special bonding friendship, and yet again he gets upset over something the older one “says” or does.

Now, before I settle things with Kai, I have to lay down some facts with SuHo. The man kept smiling at me, until I couldn’t wear my false one any longer. I couldn’t talk there in between the others, so I grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the Canyon side of the Platform. He sat down and pulled me by my right hand, signaling me to sit next to him. I sighted, but eventually did as he told me. I didn’t know how to start the conversation, and seeing the man’s beautiful face made it even harder for me to be harsh towards him. He continued smiling, while I just looked at the ground, not trying to make eye contact with him. SuHo took my chin in his left hand and slowly raised my face, and thus stared at me. If I didn’t act now, everything could be lost in the next second. I stretched my arms and cupped his hand in mine.

MJ: Listen SuHo, I don’t know what other way I can say this, but I need you to know some things. And well…. Aish, where do I start… JunMyun-sshi, the reason why I’m playing this game is to save someone I love very deeply…This person has been with me the majority of my life, and I owe him so many things. I use to love him as a friend…a brother! But in the last few years I’ve developed a different feeling towards him… to love him as a man… I had never felt so attached to someone before, and hence, he’s the motor that keeps me going in this game. Of course, along the way I’ve met wonderful people, which have become my friends… people I love with all my heart as well, and that I would give my very existence to save… And SuHo-sshi, you are one of those friends!

The man saw where I was going with the story. His smile slowly started to fade into an embarrassed expression. He removed his hand from mine and scratched the back of his head. I started to get remorseful about the topic, but I was already half way through it, I had to finish it even if it hurt him…and me… I took his hand once again.

MJ: Listen SuHo, what I’m trying to say is that… I’m... I’m not interested in having a relationship…with you… or anyone else… not until I finally try and ask LuHan… I know it’s hard for you men to control yourselves, but in the situation we’re in now, serious relationships are out of the topic… And well, I think that maybe you’re getting … a little TOO encouraged about having something with me… And maybe, JUST maybe, that’s the reason why Kai hates you so much: because he senses you’re after me…

He interrupted me with his gestures. His movements were very clear to read, and the question was even more evident: “What’s Kai to you?”

MJ: Kai? Kai is very special to me: a kind young boy with a strong heart. Sure he’s stubborn at times, but I love him just like that… Kim JongIn is like a little brother to me, except instead of me protecting him, he’s the one that OVER protects me. That’s why I’m saying he dislikes you so much; because he knows you want something else from me rather than a normal friendship. He’s just careful, and I will forever be grateful towards him for the way he’s treated me and helped me. Heck! I’m grateful to each and everyone in the group! You see SuHo, I might show a strong exterior, but deep down I have a very fragile weakness… My friends… I’ve known what it is to be without friends, as well as being surrounded by them, and they are one of the greatest gifts God could give a human being. That’s why I’m always making sure everyone is happy and healthy, because my heart wouldn’t take the pain of losing a friend… which is a sort of feeling I’m going through right now… Which once again brings us to the main topic! SuHo-sshi, please be my friend! Because that way Kai will feel more at ease, and we can stop these silly confrontations between members… Can you do that, for me? Remember, I always keep my promises, and I believe I made one with you, right?! So in return I’m asking for this little favor! And…w...who knows!? Maybe LuHan will reject me, and I’ll end up in your arms… hehe

In the middle of being nervous and being afraid of hurting him, I ended up saying a whole lot of bull. I thought that with that last sentence, SuHo would never talk to me again. I was pretty much undervaluing him in contrast to LuHan. Yet, I received the most awkward response: “I’ll be waiting”. Before I could even ask what the meaning behind his words meant, what I was trying to prevent happened… and the worst part was… I liked it…

Kim JunMyun had just kissed me on the lips, and it wasn’t a milisecond-peck. The all-beautiful angel had come in contact with me, and a pleasant feeling came over me, which made it hard to pull away. After some seconds the man slowly separated, parting our lips. I opened my eyes and found the man smiling ever so bright, full of energy and happiness. On the contrary, even though my hormones where screaming “MOOORE”, my heart cried “TRAITOR”. But what’s done is done, and at least I’ve got SuHo in a good mood. Now I hope he doesn’t keep doing that every time he wants to!

MJ: SUHO! W…Why did you do that?! I thought we were clear on the situation!!!

The man laughed, yet gestured out he couldn’t wait so much time for me to finally accept him. I told him not to do it again, and in between sweet giggles he said he’d try… WHAT A FLIRT! But having “solved” this case, there was only one thing left to face… a problem that was giving me quite a heartache… I stood up and was about to go wake up Kai, when I find said boy waking up ChanYeol. It was already time to change shifts, and they were up next. I took a deep breath and walked towards Kai. I grabbed his left shoulder from behind.

MJ: Kai, we need to talk…

I knew Kai had an attitude at times, but I didn’t know it could be this erse. The boy yanked himself out of my grasped, turning around to face me with an infuriated expression. He gestured he was busy, and walking past me got into his position at the Canyon side of the Platform. In other occasions I would have gone after him and scolded him until reason got to him. But right now I didn’t feel capable of confronting him in this manner… I felt week and impotent to explain simple matters or ask small questions. I simply watched as he took his position, giving me his back. ChanYeol had taken his ground at the opposite end; and thank God SuHo had gone to sleep next to XiuMin and Lay. And so I slowly walked towards Lia and laid next to her…

What was wrong with me? Why am I so afraid all of a sudden? Is it because of the questions or the responses? … If Kris hadn’t come along with his unusual attitude, maybe none of this would be happening to me… It all seems like a chain reaction, and each time I try to solve one “shackle”, the situation worsens. It would be best to look at the problem from the start…

If Kris hadn’t come, I wouldn’t have been attacked.

If I hadn’t been attacked, SuHo wouldn’t have saved me.

If SuHo hadn’t saved me, Kai wouldn’t be all hateful towards SuHo… I’d also be dead…

If Kai wouldn’t hate SuHo, there wouldn’t be a problem…

…

If Kai wouldn’t hate SuHo, there wouldn’t be a problem…

So Kris isn’t the problem… nor is it SuHo… its Kai… Then the question is, why does Kai hate SuHo? Why is it every time JunMyun gets close to me, even if it means saving my life, Kai gets all defensive about him? Even better question, why does Kai get mad AT ME because SuHo gets close to me? It’s not my fault SuHo likes me!! AND IT’S NOT MY FAULT I LIKE OTHER PEOPLE!!!...WHY….. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE JUST BE HAPPY WITH THE WAY THEIR TREATED!?! I treat HaeRi as my friend, AND SHE LIKES IT! I treat Lay as my friend, AND HE LIKES IT! I treat Tao, Kyungsoo, Lia, LanFang, XiuMin, and Chanyeol as my friends, AND THEY DON’T SHOW ANY REMORSE ABOUT IT! BUT NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I treat Suho as a friend, AND HE DOESN’T LIKE IT! He wants me as his GIRLFRIEND! And I treat Kai as a friend, as a brother, AND WE’RE ALWAYS FIGHTING! HE DOESN’T LIKE IT EITHER! He wants me as his…

He wants me as his…

He wants me as his…

Kim JongIn doesn’t like to be treated as a friend… nor a brother… then there are two options left: he likes me as a woman….or he simply hates me… And my heart is telling me it isn’t #2…

Lord… I thought being trapped inside this game was punishment enough for all my life sins… but now I have an even bigger problem… an even harsher punishment…

Is that why Kai acts in such a manner each time a new male joins the group? I remember when we met Lay, he kept trying to interfere in our conversations. When we found XiuMin, he was always on the watch to see if we’d hug or I’d call the oldest some cute names. Even with LANFANG! When we first saw her, thinking she was a guy, Kai was all over me trying to have me as far away as possible from the new commoner.  But the biggest fight till now has been when we encountered Chanyeol and SuHo… Kai wanted to leave them behind!... Is his love this powerful?! Is he really IN LOVE with me?...as a female?... Maybe Kris was still an incognito, but at least half of my problems were starting to make some sense.

AISH!!... So many talks…so many hugs… so many shed tears... experiences, food, clothing… JongIn and I have shared more in 9 days than a lifetime could allow… And all this time he has been so quiet about it… But why?...Of course, how can I be so stupid! YOU IDIOT! YOU HEAD!... The only thing you spoke about was LuHan, who he was, why you liked him, how you wanted to save him, that you were afraid of him being gay and rejecting you! Then after that Video update, you gave out a REALLY IMATURE SHOW, screaming and crying, and yelling to the heavens how you would die if something happened to LuHan…

… I am the most abominable person in this planet…

And all this time, the poor boy suffering in silence, having to put up with every reaction that came his way! I don’t want to imagine what would happen if… If Kai had seen me and SuHo kissing a while ago… I can’t let this get out of hand! I know I have a responsibility with everyone, but Kai… Kai…

Kim JongIn is a very special person to me… I need to protect him… I promised him…

“I will always protect you no matter what…”

I covered my face with both hands, and silently wept… The pain I had felt in the unknown was strong, but the pain I feel knowing the truth feels like a fire that leaves behind scars… I will never forget what I discovered today… And there isn’t a more evident truth than the experiences we have lived together… I wiped my face and slowly raised my head, taking a glance at the depressed figure that had lost his gaze into the Canyon scenery… that strong back… those broad shoulders…the messy-yet-straight brown hair… for me, that was the true scenery…

I laid back once again, trying to control the tears that involuntarily rolled down my tired eyes. And only being controlled by half of my senses, an old dilemma arose once more…

“I love LuHan as a man, Kai as a brother, and SuHo as a son”…

“I came to the game, and even after meeting Kai, Luhan had always been my #1 priority. But then I started getting these weird feelings every time I got near JongIn”…

“I love LuHan; he’s been the love of my life for a long time… Then why did I doubt myself when LanFang asked about JongIn?”...

“Could it be… these series of dreams are trying to tell me something?... Are LuHan and JongIn really fighting…inside me?”…