I drop down onto my chair, blankly staring at my dark office. 

She has another man.

She has forgotten me, hasn’t she.

“Well, that’s my fault, isn’t it,” I chuckle to myself as I clutch at my head.

I want to die so badly. 

I don’t have a purpose to live anymore, don’t I?

But I don’t want to, at the same time.  Not without trying out anything yet.

Enough with all the for-her-sake facade, Kim Jongdae.

I stand up and walk towards the parking lot, unlocking my car and speeding out, towards the building I know as well as the back of my hand.

I press the dial button and check the time as I do so.  2 AM.  Good enough. 

“Hyun-sajangnim, hello,”

“Who’s thi—Holy mother of—“ A series of clacks and surprised exclamations, followed by a row of curses came across the line.

“Hello?”

“Yes, yes, hello,” She returns to the phone and clears .

“Is the director in the office?”

“Yes, yes he is,”

“Can I see him?”

“It’s 2 AM in the morning.  Sure you can,”

I chuckle at her tone and she chuckles back.

“Good to have you back, kid,”

I park my car by the street, somewhere dark and quiet, and walk over towards the building, taking the lift quickly to the familiar floor, making my way quickly towards the main office.

“Chen,” Hyun-sajangnim nods her head at me with a smile I’ve missed more than I could’ve imagined.

“Hyun-sajangnim,” I bowed deeply at her direction, taking my time with my torso lowered before straightening up and entering the office at my left.
“Director,” I bow again, lower, if possible, at the man staring at me from behind a gleaming, wooden desk.

“I believe you don’t have the need to bow so respectfully towards me,” He stands up from his chair.

I straighten up and look at the table in front of me, fearful of this man.  My hands latched together in front of me, I refuse to meet his eyes, letting the silence settle in the room.

His presence is still as overpowering as it has always been.

I clench my jaw as tight as I can, swallowing the bile rising up in my throat as the things I did returned to my head, revolting me.  His bitter tone rings in my head so loudly, it pounds headaches into me.

Two words slipped out of my mouth;

“Forgive me,”

And I bowed again before turning on my heels, slightly rushing to escape the choking atmosphere.

Just as my hand touches the door, he quietly says;

“Wait,”

I don’t turn back but don’t leave either.  I listened.

“Those words aren’t for me, Jongdae,”

As I hear him say my name, I turn back and drop to my knees. 

“I’m sorry,” I choked back a sob.  “I’m sorry, I hurt your daughter.  I’m sorry,”

The man I’ve always thought as my father touched my shoulder and pulled me up, guiding me to the couch in the office, handing me a glass of water. 

“I don’t deserve your apology.  I deserve only an explanation,” He says, affection and gentleness now in his voice.  “And it’s been a long time, Jongdae,”

I dare myself to look into his eyes and almost crumble at the sight of it.

He was smiling at me.

And then begins my story.

How I finished my education back in Europe, how I met Chanyeol, how I started from a scratch, nothing more than a barely visible one in Korea’s industry, how everything was truly for her and only for her, how everything was to level with her point of view, how everything was to be able to ask for her hand in marriage, and to be worthy of her.  How I never lost sight of what was my true purpose, how I was actually never materialistic, how I played clean, never in the temptation of dirty money.

He listened to me, intently, nodding at the right times and shaking his head at times too.

But as I finished, he shook his head slowly.

“If you truly know my daughter, then you should know better than that, Jongdae,”

“What?” I frowned in inquiry.

“Ask around.  Tell them your story.  See if they have my response,” He stands up and sets his hand on my head, messing up my hair.  “No wonder you two are like this.  Exactly the same as each other.  Blind,”

Always the man of the words.

“Welcome back, Jongdae, and I heard things about my daughter having someone else.  Let’s see how hard you try, then,” He says before I leave.  He gave me permission to leave, just like he always does, nodding at me with a smile. 

See how I used the word ‘does’ instead of ‘did’?

Yeah. 

My resignation letter never really did exist.

I was still and will always be agasshi’s assistant.

***

“Will you stop staring at it?” Lay takes your hand away from your face and drops it down your side.

“What? Whyyyy,” You lift it back up and inspect the simple bracelet again.  “Can’t believe you remembered my birthday, Lay,” You chuckle.

“It’s been a million times since you’ve first said that, Jaemi,” He sets his elbow on your head and uses it as an armrest.  “Now stop staring,”

“I got it, I got it,” You drop your own hand and stand up straight.  “Now get off,”

“No,” He grins and pushes you down hard, making your knees buckle and running for it.

I swallow back a yell and turn away, breathing deeply.  “Ignore, ignore,”

“Can’t ignore me,” Lay returns to your side in seconds and you resist the urge to push him away, succeeding in doing so but failing in resisting the grin on your face. 

“Hyosung-ssi, help!” You run away from him and around Hyosung, who just entered the shop.  “Keep that pest away from me,”

“Lay, behave,” Woonha comes in after and Lay quiets down in the blink of an eye.

You laugh at him and stick your tongue out.

“So childish, Jaemi-ssi,” Hyosung sighs and shakes her head.  “You’re twenty,”

“Am no—“

She stops you with her finger and takes out two boxes from under the table. 

You squeal in delight and clap your hands giddily.  “I love you!” You throw your arms around Hyosung and rush to open the boxes.

“You’re twenty, God.  Just like a kid with a christmas present,” Hyosung smiles at the sight of your unwrapping process.

“Boots!” You pull out the dark brown, knee-high boots Hyosung got for you, the heels just the height and thickness you liked.  You made an overly thankful face at Hyosung, making her guffaw.  The other box had a set of coat, scarf and gloves in it, the coat clean white and simple, looking very exclusive at the same time, the dark gray scarf smooth and warm, and the black gloves fitting perfectly in your fingers. 

“Pretty bracelet,” Hyosung takes your hand and inspects your bracelet.  “Who got it for you?”

“Lay did,” You grin at Lay.

The door opens and Jihoo and Eun comes rushing in, Jihoo running at you and lifting you high in the air, spinning you around.  “Happy birthday!!” He yells in synch with Eun as he sets you back down, Eun handing you a box of present. 

“From us!” She grins widely.

“Thank you,” You hug her and Jihoo, unwrapping the present they gave you.

Everybody gave you presents and at the end of the day, the crew threw a surprise party, smearing you with cake after the photoshoot and taking a picture afterwards, immediately printing it and framing it, putting it up in your office. 

***

I drive slowly around the streets of Seoul, having nowhere to go in particular.  I wait, and wait, until the person I am waiting for comes into view.

I park at the side of the road and walk out, my hands in my pockets and my face half hidden in my scarf.  I wait until the person passes by me and I fall into her stride. 

“Hey,” I say under my breath.

She stops in her tracks and looks at me, meeting my eyes.

She narrows her eyes and returns to walking, now faster, and away from me.

I grit my teeth as I expected the situation and go after her.  “Can’t you at least hear me out?”

Then she stops, and turns around.  “Give me one sentence that would make me want to listen to you,”

I wince at her tone but stood my ground.  “I never resigned,”

Her eyes widen.

“I still love your sister and I never lost myself, not like what you thought I could’ve done,”

She lowers her head and looks at me, properly, this time.  “That was two, Jongdae,”

I smile in relief and she smiles back, gesturing over at a coffee shop. 

She calls Baekhyun and Kris over, and I tell them what I told the director.

Their responses were exactly like his; a shake of their heads.

“I don’t know, Jongdae,” Rin says, sitting back.

“Thought you knew her just a bit better than that,” Baekhyun and Kris exchanged glances and their eyes met Rin’s, the same comprehension passing in between.

“Thought so,” I say, sighing.  “The director said the exact same thing,”

“Whoa, you talked to dad?” Rin gapes at me.

“Yeah,”

“Did he try to kill you?” She jokes, evoking laughter from all of us.

“No, but I know he wanted to, at first.  Like how you guys wanted to, too,”

“We thought the you in you left forever,” Baekhyun said, but frowned as he repeats the sentence in his head.  “Did you get that?”

“Yeah, I knew everybody would think so,” I smile at him.  “But—“

“But you never did.  And that’s good to know,” Kris sighs in relief.

“And I’m glad you understand,”

“Saw the new kid catching the lady’s heart,” Rin wiggles her eyebrows at Kris and then me.  “Let’s see—“

“How hard I try,” I finish her sentence. 

Family, check.  The only ones left is the team. 

I’ll catch them after work.

***

Because you had too much breaks during the day, several paperworks got left behind and you had to stay late, behind and alone, to finish them. 

Settling down on your desk, you play your favorite song and work, humming along to the music.

***

I approach the person I want to like I did with Rin, only now, I approach a male.

“Jihoo,”

“Eun, Yoojoon, Kyoungmi, somebody needs to talk to us,” He says, calling the three out of hiding.

“How did you—“

“We would’ve recognized you everywhere, Chen,” Eun smiles gently at me.

“And it’s just about time.  A tad late, though,” Jihoo shakes his head.

I chuckle at their familiarity with me and sigh in relief, as I don’t have to face the stabs of words and gazes they’re supposed to throw at me.

Again, the same story.

And again, the same response.

“Why don’t you figure out yourself, oppa,” Kyoungmi says. 

“When agasshi leaves, get into her office and poke around a bit.  Then you’ll know,” Yoojoon adds in.

The 4 leaves and I enter my car, sitting quietly inside, parking nearby Eunbok as I keep my eyes on the lights in her office, waiting for it to switch off and waiting for her to come out and pass by my car, oblivious to my presence. 

The man with her yesterday suddenly comes into view, handsomely waiting for her by the gate, his hands in his pockets and his breaths coming out in puffs of air.  She comes out and greets him with a smile and a twinkle in her eye as the two walks side by side away from the shop, passing my car. 

I glance at them as a stab of pain pierces my heart.  That should be me.

I take out the keys Eun gave me and unlock the shop, coming into her quiet office, slightly messy because of her recent work. 

The familiar smell of fabric enters my nose.  I smile as I spot the stack of band-aids on the shelf, smile at the designes she clumsily scattered all over the floor. 

I pick each one up and keep the smile on my face as I am reminded of how much I miss the lines she drew on papers, creating magic, just like she always did.  My hands lift the rug to pick one piece of paper that had slipped inside, and then, I knew what the team meant about figuring things out by myself.

There were scrapes.  Deeply etched into the wooden floor.

I counted.

2 years.

The time I was gone.

I drop the rug with a clenched jaw, guilt filling my lungs.

I glance at the music player on her desk, and see the music she was listening to.

Baby Don’t Cry.

I run my fingers through my hair and open her drawers.  Then, feeling the bottom part of her desk, I pull out a latch, something only she and I knew and took out the contents.

Letters.

All of it, they were replies to the single piece of paper I left behind.

It was full of ‘why’s, ‘when’s, crumpled, damp, from what I was sure was her tears.

Full of questions.  Full of longing, waiting.

2 years worth of her heart.

And never a single word of hate.

Or the word ‘forget’.

This is what they wanted me to find out.

No matter who I was, where I am positioned; she never cared for all that and would accept me, no matter what.

She had loved me that much.

As much as I do.

I was me to her.

And she was her to me.

But the real question was; would she still acept me?