"Remembering all our memories...and it's times like these that I miss you most, remembering when we were so close."

Onew was in his room, the one place he found himself the most as of late. 

Except for the company that is. He was always at the company.

As soon as he got home to the dorm, he’d disappear into his room to just lay in his bed, thinking through things he could have done differently.

If his mind wasn’t racing with ‘what-ifs’, he was watching dramas or reading a book. It was also nice to catch up on sleep.

Prior to what Kyuhyun had thought earlier, about him not remembering that night – he did, every part of it. It tore at his heart every single time he replayed the scene is his mind. 

Jonghyun really hated him...

He wished he would have said something, anything, instead of just standing there, staring at Jonghyun, as he screamed at them. Maybe if he would have told Jonghyun how much he missed him and how sorry he was…maybe if he told him how much he needed him…

Onew rolled onto his stomach and punched his bed, muffling a quiet scream in his pillow.

What is wrong with me…? Why can't I get over this?

He rolled away from the pillow and stared lifelessly at the wall beside him.

Dear Onew-hyung,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for everything. I was stupid and foolish. It wasn't fair for me to put you all through something like that. Please don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

You've always been so good to me - no, to all of us. I don't think I could ever repay you for that.

Thank you so much for everything you’ve ever done. I love you, hyung…even if you hate me.

Take care of yourself,

Kim Jonghyun 

Onew felt tears prick at his eyes and he put a hand over his mouth, sobbing quietly.

Right now, he could have settled for cleaning toilets. That’s how desperate he was.

He couldn’t find anything and it frustrated him to no end. Why? He was running out of money quickly, even with only eating one meal a day, and if he wanted to continue living in the apartment he was in now, he had to get a job fast.

Why was it so hard to find a job?

When he had first set out, he had been sure that he’d find something.

Jonghyun sighed and looked at the directions on his phone again, stopping to sit on a swing at one of the parks. He had found a bar early this morning that could be promising, but, again, he couldn’t find it.

I’m horrible with directions…

                                                       …..............................................................................................

An hour and a half later, and ten dollars lighter because of the meal he ate, Jonghyun had up enough pride to ask someone for directions – again.

He found himself outside the front door of the bar he had been looking for all day. Even though he had experience now, going into places and asking if they would hire him, he still felt nervous.

This is my last stop…I can’t afford to waste any more time. If they don’t hire me…I’ll have to leave the city.

He stepped inside and was greeted by the familiar smell that bars usual had: smoke and alcohol.

No one paid him any attention when he walked in, which he was pleased about, though there weren’t many people in there to begin with. Besides the bartender, a waiter, and a waitress , there was only one other person – an old man sitting in the far corner, scowling at his mug.

Jonghyun raced out of the  building, smiling so  big that, even though it had only been a couple seconds, his cheeks started to hurt.

I finally found a job!

Granted…it wasn’t much. He’d be working to clean the toilets, the dishes, and occasionally serving drinks – but it was enough.

Jonghyun did a happy little victory dance.

He paused when he saw Donghae across the street, grinning at him and waving.

“Hey, you! What are you so happy about?” His hyung called.

“Hyung!” A large smile lit up Jonghyun's already happy face. It was good to see Donghae again.

For a second, Jonghyun wondered how everyone that had visited him knew for sure that it was him underneath his disguise…and how he could tell it was Donghae even without hearing his voice.

Do we really know each other that well?

He dismissed the thought, eager to tell his hyung the good news.

He raced over, grinning the biggest grin he’s had since his days with SHINee. Donghae smiled back, finding Jonghyun’s happiness contagious.

“Hyung! Guess what?! Hyung! I got a job! Hyung!” Jonghyun raced across the street to Donghae – but didn’t see the car, or hear Donghae’s warnings, before it was far, far too late.

“JONGHYUN!” 

Donghae's pained, horrified scream made Jonghyun's heart clench painfully - just as the car hit him.