44 | LOVE ANTIDOTE

Baekhyun

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

It’s me walking away so dramatically like that and completely forgetting that I brought my truck with me. As I ran back in the direction of Choi’s residence, I start feeling heavy in my head. I’m not surprised, I just ing dumped the last person I ever want to dump. I ended it. That’s it for me. I’ve made my decision and it’s … the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life.

It’s like killing myself, with my own hands, but then I’m just actively dying endlessly without actually dying.

I just walked away from the one thing that makes me feel complete. I’ve chosen this hollow feeling inside me because it’s what works, it’s what I’m used to … it’s what protects me from going as high as I did because of her.

Speaking of which, one thing I was dreading once I started turning back did happen. Choi Soobin is still there in the waiting shed. It’s not even raining anymore. Why is she still there?

Now, it’s going to be a hundred times more awkward that I’m back.

I almost wish it was still raining so that my vision isn’t as clear. She’s there, sitting and staring at me. It takes her almost a minute before she stands up, finally registering that it’s me and not her imagination. As much as I wanted to go back to her, I keep walking. I keep walking and walking until I can see my truck parked near their house.

“Baekhyun.” I hear her voice and it makes me want to stop. I clench on my wet sleeves to fight back the urge to turn. Her footsteps get louder and louder, her presence getting closer behind me. “Baekhyun.” She calls my name once again.

I take another step, and another, and another. Then, I start hearing her sobs. She’s crying. I made her cry. I never thought it would hurt me this much to hear her crying because of me. “Baekhyun.” She continues to call and the more I hear it, the weaker I get.

“Go home.” I hear myself say but I don’t think she heard it. I don’t want to speak more otherwise I might just take it back. I might take everything back. Everything that I said. Everything that I didn’t mean to tell her.

My surroundings get hazy, and I start feeling more and more nauseated with every little movement I make.

“Baekhyun, please.” Her voice is echoed as if it’s suddenly coming from afar, but I still feel her presence right behind me.

And just like that … everything went pitch black.

When I open my eyes again, something rough and warm covers half of my eyes. Touching it cautiously, I register that it’s a towel. A damp towel. I take it off me and I finally get a sense of my surroundings.

It’s my room. I’m in my room. How did I get here?

I don’t recall anything after I turned back to get my truck. I don’t remember driving it either. What happened to me? Only when I sit up did I feel the buzzing pain in my head and the hot steam coming from my eyes. Woah, I feel myself falling back.

“You have a low-grade fever.” A familiar voice says.

My entire body jolts straight to defence mode as I press myself on the corner wall of my single-sized bed. It’s her. She’s sitting right there. On a chair. Beside my bed.

Or maybe I’m imagining ? No, she’s looking way too realistic right now.

Just then, the door of my room opens and it’s my father holding a mug. “Is he awake? I thought I heard him scream.” He chuckles as he walks over to my bed.

“Wha—what scream, I didn’t scream,” I argue back and look away.

Did I … scream? Oh god, I’ve lost it. I didn’t even hear myself scream just now. “Okay okay, drink this tea now while it’s hot. You punk, why let yourself faint and make a lady carry you home?” My dad nags as he passes me the mug.

His interrogation makes me forget that I am taking a hot mug and I almost dropped it when I feel the burning sensation on my palms. “Careful!” My dad holds the bottom of the mug again.

I look at her again and my brain freezes from the thought of her carrying me home. My eyes drop at the bedside table that separates my bed and Jaehyun’s bed. My car keys are there. She must have driven the truck too.

As if she heard my thoughts, she spoke. “I parked your truck on the visitor’s parking lot because I wasn’t sure where you park in the underground parking.”

Oh my god. Oh, my ing god. What did I just do? How on earth did I let this happen? I remember turning back to her family house and she was there and then all that’s left in my head are blurry visions of me seeing her face up-close and feeling her firm touch and … everything else is muffled and hazy to me.

Holy , I’m a big idiot.

I can’t let this go on. This cannot be happening. I don’t want to take everything back. I can’t … take everything back.

“I thought we’re over. Was I not clear enough?” I blurt out, not caring about my father’s presence anymore.

I hate myself for acting this way. I hate that I have no choice but to be mean to her. But I’m desperate to set her free. In the end, it’s going to be for her own good anyway.

It really was so ambitious of me to think that I could have her.

I feel a quick slap on the back of my head. “Ouch—Dad, what was that for?” I groan while rubbing the affected area of my head.

My dad sighs. “Please tell me this isn’t about what happened today.” He frowns down at me before looking at Soobin with apologetic eyes. “Look, my dear, I never even knew you two were really a thing because this silly lad of mine kept denying but I just—whatever the reason is, I hope you two fix it. Alright?” My dad pats her on the shoulder before walking to the door. He flashes me one last glare before marching out and closing the door.

An awkward silence surrounds the room as we both looked in a different direction.

I put the mug of tea on the bedside table before settling back on the bed again to tuck myself in. Keeping my eyes glued up to the ceiling, I listen to my own breathing. I wish the human heart is detachable. I’d just dig it out of me and shove it in a vault, lock the vault with a padlock and toss the key to the ocean so I could never find it again.

Right … like I wouldn’t make a ing spare key for that ing padlock if it’s Choi Soobin. For her, I’d make a hundred of them.

“You shou—should rest. I’m gonna go. I’ll let you have a sick day tomorrow, I’ll tell Kyungsoo about it.” Soobin jolts up and I finally realize that she’s still wearing the same damp clothes and her hair is not yet fully dry. Her face and neck are also glistening with what I assume is sweat.

On the other hand, I’m already dressed in my pyjamas and my hair is all dried up.

She’s gonna get sick. She should have just gone home. It would have been better if she just left me there on the ground when I fainted, let a car run over me or something. I probably deserve that anyway.

I don’t know what came to me but I find myself grabbing her hand before she could take the first step. “I—” Words erupt my brain as I stare at my tight grip on her wrist. Words I know I shouldn’t say. Words that would contradict everything that I just did.

I love you.

I still want you.

Keep me forever.

Before rashness takes over, I let go of her. “I’m fine, I’m coming in tomorrow. I don’t need a sick day.” I tell her instead. When she turns to me with an alarmed expression, I speak over her before she could. “I’m fine, I said. I don’t want a sick day.”

Without insisting anymore, Soobin gives me a half-nod before marching out of the room. As soon as I hear the front door close, tears begin crawling down my cheeks and I cry as silently as I could while covering my face with the blanket. When the door of the bedroom opens again, I quickly wipe my tears before turning away to face the wall.

“Baekhyun, she left already. Did you two make up?” My dad asks. I press a tight fist on my nose to muffle out the sniffles when he approaches the bed. “Are you crying, son? Hey, look at me. Let’s talk about it, hm?” He cups my shoulder and tries to turn me to face him, but I fight back while throwing the blanket over my head completely.

“Where’s Jaehyun? Tell him he can go here now, she’s gone.” I say quietly.

My father sighs heavily. “He knows, he’s watching a show in the living room. Don’t change the subject and talk to me, Baekhyun.” He pats me on the hip before trying to pull the blanket down.

“You know, if this is the better quality of life you want me to have, then I don’t want it.” He comments and it finally makes me turn to him as I push the blanket lower from my face. I sit up and adjust myself on the bed until I am leaning on the wall. “Dad, this has nothing to do—”

“A good quality of life for me is seeing my two sons happy. I don’t care how short or how rough my life is as long as I get to see you two smiling for the rest of it. Lately, you’ve been smiling a lot more and … now I know that it was because of her.”

My father’s words tug my chest tightly until it’s hard to breathe. “Do you really have to always put it that way, Dad?” I whine.

“Okay, fine, I’ll leave you be. Just take a rest, please.” He gives up while shaking his head in disappointment. He glances at me one last time before getting out and closing the door.

For some reason, despite that I’m alone again, I try to hold back the tears. If I allow one more teardrop, I might just give in, and I can’t do that. I need to repeatedly remind myself of why I can’t have her.

I can’t have her because … she deserves the world, and I can’t give her that.

And I’m better off alone anyway, that’s what works best for me.

The following day, I ultimately had to call Miss Wang to tell her that I can’t meet my one client for the day because I’m sick and reasons like this are normally understandable. My job requires human contact so as much as possible; we don’t want to get any clients sick.

Besides … I just don’t think I can stomach that today. I just can’t. I might have a mental breakdown in front of the client and that would just put me in much more trouble.

But since I’m losing money on that part, I’ve asked Kyungsoo if I could come in a little earlier for the bar today. He was resistant at first but after a lot of begging, he finally allowed me to come in. I’ll just have to wear a face mask the whole time just to keep everyone safe.

I don’t even think I’m that sick. I think I ran a fever because of stress. Is that possible? Well, if it wasn’t … it is now, to me. A little sniffle here and there isn’t that serious to me but, whatever, as long as I could work.

When I came in, they were still serving lunch. I make my way straight to my bar after signing in and Kyungsoo welcomes me with a big frown. Before he could say anything, I show him the disposable mask that I am taking out of the bag. “Hm, here, see?” I put it on quickly to assure him.

Once I’m all ready to start and have my apron on, I start prepping. Kyungsoo stays right outside the counter while leaning on it. He’s eyeing me so meaningfully as if he knows something.

“Spill it or leave me alone,” I say without bothering to look at him.

Acid quickly builds up in my throat when I see Soobin coming out of the office. When she approaches the bar, I find myself taking a step back. But to my surprise, she gives me a very big smile while waving a hand at me. “Hi, Baekhyun, you’re early today!” She beams while hugging her clipboard to her chest.

Why is she giving me … the fake Soobin smile with her work voice?

I know that I’m not the only one who found it weird because Kyungsoo looks at me with a raised eyebrow, although he didn’t say anything. “Uh, chef, I’ve compiled the sales record you want to check. Here you go. I’m also gonna go run to the storage basement to double, triple-check everything before I send out the orders.” She grins almost excessively while handing the clipboard to Kyungsoo.

“Uhm, okay? Thanks.” Kyungsoo chuckles like an old man while watching her skip back to the office. “Someone’s overjoyed? What was that? That was weird, she was completely silent the whole morning that’s why I was gonna ask you what’s wrong … but I guess I was just overthinking?” His smile widens as he turns to me. “Something very good happened or?” He asks.

The last thing I ever want her to do … was to mask in front of me.

And she’s doing it right now.

I never thought it would hurt me this much.

I hold on tight to the ice bin I am holding as I stare at it blankly. Every muscle in my body just wants to get out of here and follow her. I’d rather her hate me, I’d rather her ignore me completely because that’s what I deserve. That’s what I was much readier for.

But seeing her act in such a way in front of me is just making everything extra harder.

“Actually chef,” I look up at Kyungsoo with determination. “We’re not together anymore. But I hope we don’t have to talk about it, we’d like to keep it between us. If that’s okay?”

The shock in Kyungsoo’s face is quite obvious but I try to avoid it as much as I can. It was silent for a good ten seconds before he could come up with a response. “Ye—yeah, that’s okay, I totally respect that. Sorry to hear that, man.” He reaches my arm from across the bar and gives me a sympathetic pat.

I watch Kyungsoo walk away awkwardly while glancing at me a couple of times and I’m pretty sure he contemplated on going into the office as well but in the end, he ends up going back to the kitchen.

It’s better this way. I could just … focus on moving on. Not that I ever will but it’s just for the sak