50 | SOFT SHOCK

Baekhyun

I am exhausted to the bone.

Today was a hectic day at The Alley Cat but I am certainly not complaining about the number of tips I made. In addition to that, Kyungsoo has been lowkey extra and more irritable since he had to take over the managerial tasks that Soobin usually does for him.

I also think he has something up his sleeves that he’s not telling anyone. He’s been weird and sweaty the past couple of days—literally and figuratively.

I have a feeling he’s going to propose to Miyoung soon.

That or he’s constipated.

“I’m home.” My voice cracks and it makes me laugh a little.

God, the amount of talking (more like yelling) I had to do at the bar tonight was insane. Again, not complaining about the tips. The money Kyungsoo and Miyoung gave me for Dad is enough not only for the surgery itself but including the pre-surgery and post-surgery treatments that he’s going to need. The couple is my dad’s saviour, seriously.

As soon as I had the chance, I took him back to his doctor and arranged a transplant. As expected, he was put on a waiting list but because of his age and overall health, his doctor said that he was put on the priority list which means we won’t need to wait for too long. Hopefully, by the end of this year or early next year, it’s gonna happen.

I mean, I tried. I really tried to persuade my father to just let me donate my kidney, but he went ape on me again, and I am not about to lose him from a heart attack when we’re already this close to saving his life permanently.

“Hello? Where’s everyone—” As I untie my shoes, a pair of familiar women’s shoes get my attention. It’s neatly placed at the very bottom of the shoe rack, the little bow details on the back of it dangling off. “That’s her sh—Soobin?” Not caring to untie my other shoe, I scurry through the hallway, past the living room and out to the dining area.

And there I see her, Choi Soobin, sitting with my dad and Jaehyun at the table.

Indulgently, my eyes travel from her head to toe, double-checking if she was another fragment of my imagination that hunts me on a daily because I ing miss her so much.

“Bud!’ Jaehyun runs towards me and the boy’s tall build hovers over me for a hug, but I could barely feel myself as I stumble and habitually regain my balance.

Soobin finally cuts away the eye contact as she looks down on the table where a book lays open, she seemed to have been showing it to my dad. “You’re home, finally. Soobin’s been here for almost—oh my goodness, she’s been here for two hours now. I didn’t even notice.” Dad laughs while giving Soobin a fatherly smile.

My eyes bulge at the wall clock. She’s been here for two hours? Did she come to … see me?

“Wha—” I fail to hide the stupid grin on my face as I allow my brother to literally twirl me around, bear-hug me, playfully headlock me and pull my hair eagerly. “What are you doing here?” I manage to ask as I try to back away from Jaehyun’s palms when he tries to cover my face for no reason.

“Okay, Jaehyun—stop it, your brother’s tired from work. I know you missed him but he’s not in the mood to wrestle right now. And we still have a visitor, sit with us again. Come here, son.” Dad finally helps me out and pulls Jaehyun from me.

Ignoring the dizziness that I got from Jaehyun twirling me around, I stumble my way towards the table, but I still have the stupid grin on my face. I just can’t seem to take it off. “Hi, I didn’t expe—hi.” Words barely sounded like words when I say them.

“Hi.” Soobin shyly replies, her head is still dropped but her eyes are looking back at me.

For what felt like an eternity, I just stand there looking down at her as words fail me. I couldn’t take my eyes off her even after she had looked away while shyly tucking her hair behind her ear.

The quick gesture gave me a glimpse of the button that is now tied on her wrist with a butcher’s twine, and I think my heart just went up to my throat and now I can’t swallow a thing. At the same time, the rest of my body relaxes from the sight of her, a familiar sense of weakness taking over me and I feel even dizzier now.

, am I dying? Is this my whole life flashing before my eyes? Did Jaehyun’s playful headlock actually kill me this time?

A loud throat-clearing awakens me back to reality and I absently turn to my dad who is giving me a knowing smirk. “She’s real, in case you think you’re hallucinating.” He mocks.

“Huh? What do you mean—” I take a step back while faking a laugh. “Dad, I was just … resting my eyes, I go—I got dizzy because of Jaehyun.” I am quick to make up an excuse.

“Mhmm,” My dad releases a skeptical sound. “Anyway, Soobin, he’s here now. Why don’t you tell him what you’ve told me? I feel bad that I heard about it before he did. You came here for him after all.” He stands up from the chair and pulls me in, pushing me down to sit on it this time.

“That’s okay, Mr. Byun. I wanted to tell you about it too.” Soobin smiles genuinely at my dad and I never thought she was this comfortable with him to give that kind of smile that she rarely gives to people.

Whatever it was that she told him might have been the reason. My eyes fall to the opened book in front of me on the table. I close it to look at the cover of the book.

Camouflage: The Hidden Lives of Autistic Women.

It takes me a second or two to process the title before I managed to look up at her. Before I could say something, Soobin explains. “I’ve been going to therapy; I’ve had two sessions so far and today … my therapist confirmed it and she gave me that book so that I can appreciate it better.” Her hand hesitantly crawls to the book as she points at the word Autistic.

A soft chuckle escapes her lips as she looks down and adjusts her glasses. “I do—I don’t know why I came here exactly but after telling my Dad about it and failing to get a support, I just—I wanted to tell you and I wa—”

An overwhelming sensation takes over me and I pull her in for a hug. “I’m so proud of you.” I muffle into her neck as I bury my face on her skin.

I can feel her fast heartbeat against my faster ones, and I’ve never felt so warm in so long. I a deep breath, taking in her scent and I find myself kissing her neck.

“Th—thank you.” She whispers back and the subtle vibration of her voice on my shoulder makes me realize what I just did so I quickly break the hug, even raising both my hands as if I’ve been caught by the cops. “I’m just—I mean, I’m—it’s a—yeah, okay. That’s good news!” I stood up only to bump into my Dad who is still standing there while giving me a scrutinizing look.

“Good gracious, can you—” He looks down and suddenly turns around while massaging his temple.

I look down to where he is looking, and I realize that I have a hard-on and at this point, I don’t even think it’s lust alone. It’s literally sugar and spice and everything nice down there.

The point is … Choi Soobin is here; she seems healthier, stronger, and most specially … she seems relieved. And that turns me on in ways I’ve never been before.

For ’s sake. I quickly cover myself with both hands and run to the kitchen. There’s a very awkward silence that took place as soon as I hid, and I just lean one cheek against the wall as I peek at the dining table.

“Anyway, now that I’ve told him and thanked him, I probably should go. He’s tired from work, for sure, so—” I hear Soobin’s voice as the chair cracks, letting me know that she had already stood up to leave.

“Wait!” I run out of the kitchen and my dad quickly covers his eyes while muffling incoherent words. “No, it’s gone—I promise, just—Dad, can you not embarrass me more?” I whine.

“No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Soobin blinks rapidly while shyly running a hand over her face as she pushes her hair away, but I know she’s just trying to hide her eyes. “I should let you rest, you lo—look tired.” She argues.

“I will leave you two to talk, it was very nice to see you, Soobin! I’ll take Jaehyun away too. Come on son, show me the letters you want to send tomorrow.” Dad wraps an arm around Jaehyun’s arm for support and drags the boy away. As I walk out of the kitchen, I follow my gaze in their direction, the two of them going into our bedroom.

“I should go too.” Soobin bows down at me before gathering her purse and the book in her arms. “I’m just happy that I was able to tell you and your dad.” She bows one more time before twirling away to leave.

I watch in silence until she gets to the door. “Wait.” I finally manage to speak, although no more than a single word.

Still holding onto the doorknob, she turns to her shoulders and meets my eyes. She gives me a half-nod signalling me to say what I need to say. For the love of God, I wish I knew what I wanted to say.

Her break isn’t done yet and I really don’t want to ruin it for her by being an impatient motherer.

“Nothing, I just—” I swallow back the wrong words that I initially wanted to say. “I just want to thank you for … telling me and my dad. We’re proud of you and I’m … happy for you. I hope it made you feel a lot better about yourself.” At what point did it become so hard to pretend that I wasn’t madly in love with her? Wasn’t I such an expert at this?

It’s what I did for almost half of my life. I did it for so ing long before, I should be handling it like it’s a piece of cake. But I guess it’s different when I already had a taste of that life. The life where I loved her with all that I am.

She smiled so beautifully, I almost wanted to cry. “It did. Thank you.” She replies briefly before turning the doorknob and pulling the door open. She adds the softest and quietest bye before completely stepping out and disappearing into the door.

I sank right on the chair behind me as I stare at the door, wondering why I am not chasing her out yet.

No matter how much I want to finally relieve myself by manning up and getting her back right now, that smile on her face tells me that she might need more time to appreciate this new awareness she had of herself today.

I want her to shine and see herself shining, with or without me in the picture.

It’s been another three days since I last saw Soobin and I’m back at it again with fighting the urge to give in to temptations. I would not dare to do anything until she is back at work, at least.

Once she’s back … I honestly don’t ing know, still. I thought I had so many things in my hands as well that I needed to get done but then most of them, aside from my father’