36 | PAPER PLANE

Baekhyun

I think it’s safe to say that this has been the happiest I have ever been in a very long time, if not in my entire life. I never thought I could be so in love. I didn’t think it was possible to love Choi Soobin even more.

It feels so good to the point that … it scares me sometimes.

How am I supposed to ever let this go? How could I ever move on from this if something bad ever happens? I know I shouldn’t be worrying about such things but lately, everything has just been so amazing because of her and I’m becoming more and more selfish each day the goes by that I call her mine.

I don’t want this feeling to ever end. And it’s going to take a lot of patience and effort from both of us to keep this going strong.

“Oh, you’re home early.” I hear my father’s voice from the kitchen. I take a quick peek at my room. Jaehyun’s already fast asleep. When I went to the kitchen, I see my father washing the dishes and I instantly feel bad. “Dad, I got this. Go rest or watch TV.” I snatch one of the pots from his hands and gesture him to go.

To my surprise, I receive a knock on my head. “Ouch—Dad, what was that for?” I whine while rubbing my head with my damp hand.

“Why don’t you ever let me help you around the house? That’s the least I could do. I wanted to do some cleaning before you got home so that you won’t have to do it, I didn’t expect you were gonna be here earlier. I’m not handicapped, I’m just sick on the inside.” He widens his eyes as he lectures me with a gruff tone.

In return, I twist my knuckle on his head too. “Hey, don’t—” He points at me, but it only makes me want to more, so I tickle him on his armpits. “Byun Baekhyun, I’m serious here, don’t—oh, goodness, stop it. You silly boy.” He winces before running away but I already hear him laughing which makes me smile even more.

I continue washing the dishes and for a while, it was dead silent. Only the running water from the sink makes up for it. Throwing my head back to peek outside the kitchen, I spot my father on the couch, seemingly watching TV on mute. I can see the moving lights beaming from the screen.

He seems to be in deep thought. So, I quickly finish what I was doing before following him to the couch. “What’s up with you?” I raise a suspecting eyebrow.

“Well, you know,” He shrugs nonchalantly but his face says otherwise. “Your aunt and I talked about stuff, you know, our plans for the future. She’s gonna retire very soon, in a few months.”

I nod in understanding. I’ve heard about that before. Honestly, good for her. She’s been working in the bank for so many years, I’m sure her pension’s good. I wish I could retire. I feel like I’ve been working all my life that I deserve an early retirement. to be me, I have many more years to come.

“Isn’t that good news? Why do you look so worried?” I ask.

He gives me a disgruntled look before sighing. “Well, we have this idea but I don’t know—I have a feeling your stubborn skull would not let me do this.” He laughs.

I lean on the couch and throw my leg over the other. “Uhm, excuse me? Stubborn skull—where do you think I got it from?” I tease back and he just rolls his eyes at me. “No, seriously, Baekhyun. Promise me you will at least think about this when I tell you?” He pleads.

I keep my chin up as I cross my arms on my chest. “I can’t promise on something I haven’t even heard about, that’s cheating. Tell me first and then I will decide whether I’m going to promise or not.” I tell him frankly.

Tensed silence quickly fills the entire living room as I wait for my father to speak up. “Dad, you’re scaring me, you know that?” I try to laugh it off but I’m pretty sure I nearly choked on my words. My father assures me right away with a smug laugh and a light flick on my forehead. “You silly, this is nothing bad at all. I’m just worried because I know you so well.” He explains.

“Okay, then tell me.” I sigh.

He lays his hands flat on his lap as he looks straight ahead on the TV. “You see, my sister and I have been thinking that maybe when she retires … Jaehyun and I can stay with her, and she offered to help us since she’s all alone in her house anyway. Besides, your cousins and their kids live in the States, and they send her money as well.”

It takes me a moment to process what he’s saying, a lump quickly growing in my throat. “Dad, why—what are you talking about? Why does she have to take you and—”

My father places a hand on top of mine. “Baekhyun, you’re not getting younger. I don’t want to hold you back any longer and regarding Jaehyun, we know that—”

“No no no, what do you mean you’re holding me back? Everything’s fine. What are you—” I laugh but it’s mostly air. “Dad, tell Aunty that I’m doing perfectly fine. I can handle it. Why would you want to leave with Jaehyun? Am I doing something wrong here? Tell me, I’ll do better, I’ll work harder.” I say and I am pretty sure I am sounding more desperate than I expected.

My father chuckles as he shakes his head at me. “Son, it’s not about that. You’re doing amazing and I’m always so thankful for you.” He assures me but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I swallow hard. “Then what’s the problem all of a sudden?”

It was silent between us for a good minute or two until he settles a hand on my back to rub me. “I know that you’re seeing someone. I can tell. I don’t know why you’re not telling me but whomever she is … she seems to be making my son very happy, and you have no idea how long I’ve waited for that to happen.” He choked on his words, but he tries to hide them by laughing.

Still, I shake my head. “I don’t know why you’re making it sound like I was never happy with you and Jaehyun.” I feel cold all over, a new kind of heaviness fills my head.

“You’re missing my point here, son.” He scratches his neck as he peeks at me while I lower my face in my palms. “Your life has never been easy ever since I stopped working. This is not … the life I wanted for you. You’d eventually want to settle down. Have your own place, have a wife and kids and—”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “No, then I don’t want any of it. If you’re making me choose betw—”

“You know that you don't mean that and that's okay, son. I’m not even making you choose. This is not a matter of whom you want to be in your life more, this is just about making better choices. I just want you to have—Oh my goodness, I knew this would happen.” My father stands up and walks to the kitchen. I hear a rustling sound from the fridge until he comes out with a bottle of water. “Son, stop being so hard on yourself. I’m begging you. Let people help you.” He frowns at me.

“I don’t need help.” I make it clear to him. “I can take care of you and Jaehyun myself. Tell Aunt Sooyoung that I am perfectly capable, so she doesn’t need to feel bad for me. The same goes for you, Dad.” Refusing to prolong this argument, I stand up and walk away.

Call it pride but I can’t let Aunt Sooyoung feel sorry for me and think that she must take over something that I’ve already committed myself to. And I don’t want my father to think that I have my limits.

I need them just as much as they need me.

I need them … to keep needing me.

It's the only way I could see my worth.

The next day, I get to my bartending job with a bad headache. Or maybe I’m just imagining it. But anyway, I feel like . Last night’s conversation with my father kept me up and thinking all night.

I’d be lying if I say that I never once thought of possibly living on my own and only worrying about my needs but … as soon as the possibility was presented to me last night, I just felt completely dumbfounded.

I can’t do it. It’s not as easy or exciting as I thought it would be.

If I had agreed to it, I’d feel like I abandoned my family. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do to them.

Besides, I know that Jaehyun would not be okay with that. That’s going to be a lot for him to take in. Maybe being away from the city and closer to nature would be good for their overall mental health but I’m not going to risk it. The hospital and their doctors are much closer to where we’re living right now. I don’t want them to be driving an hour and a half to get better help, especially when it’s an emergency.

They should have thought of those things too before even considering something so important.

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