55 | SOMETHING BLUE

Soobin

At the end of the bar counter, parallel to the entrance, stood Baekhyun who has been especially quiet and distracted lately. He’s been consistently denying it, but I know that he is affected by the news that came out last week.

It’s the news about Seo Dongsik, one of the members of the Gyeonggi Metropolitan Council and the husband of veteran actress Lee Mooyeon, passing away due to Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia which, according to my research, is a type of cancer that progresses very quickly and could be fatal within months. It’s probably why his mother gave him a heads up about the contract the allowance. It was a sad but inevitable event that was going to take place sooner or later.

Since we got back together, Baekhyun has been mustering up the courage to reach out to his mother for the past month. He was so close to getting there. Last week, only two days before the news broke, he asked me if I could leave work early with him one of these days. And of course, that didn’t end up happening when he heard the news.

I don’t quite understand why. I don’t think he has any sort of relationship with the late politician. I don’t even think they’ve met before.

So, my guess is that his concern is more so regarding his mother. Maybe he’s worried about her. Or maybe he’s anxious about what’s going to happen now.

But the only way to find out is if he talks to her.

Now, I don’t know when that’s going to happen. He might need a reset and a little more time. He’s allowed to be scared, to be unsure. He’s been living his whole life not knowing his place in his mother’s life and now that the contract between them is bound to be nulled … I can’t imagine what he’s feeling.

I jump in fear when my boss’s face popped out of nowhere, blocking my view of my boyfriend from meters away. “What?” he asks cluelessly before gesturing me to give him space so that he could get into the office.

“Noth—nothing, chef.” I look away as I step aside.

I watch him go in and unclasp his chef’s uniform, as he always does, and hangs it neatly on the wall. Is he leaving now? We just started two hours ago. I check my watch just in case I’ve lost track of time because of how worried I am about Baekhyun.

Nope, it’s ten to one.

I clear my throat. “Chef, are you done early today?” I manage to ask as he continues to gather his stuff in his bag.

He glances at me before nodding. “I might come back though; I don’t know yet. Miyoung’s at my place, she’s not feeling too well so I’m going home. Is that okay with you?” He drags his okay on an exaggerated note, asking permission me as if I’m the boss here. It takes me almost a minute to figure out that he was indeed being playfully sarcastic and is purposely asking permission as if he’s below me.

I need to be better at this because he always does it. He teases me a lot and I always take it too seriously.

A snorty laugh escapes my mouth as I playfully glared at him. Should I ask about her? I don’t want to seem nosy. But then, I’m genuinely concerned about Miyoung. Okay, fine, I’ll just ask.

It’s okay to be curious.

“Oh—what happened to her, chef? Is she having morning sickness? It’s almost one though, so it’s too late for morning sickness—does that happen for a long time? Each time? Can she take any type of medication for morning sickness? How long do morning sicknesses last?” I blurt out more words than I planned to and only when he gave me a narrowed glare that I realized it.

I feel myself cringe from my own outburst, and I quickly cover my mouth.

“Oops, sorry.” I muffle on my palm.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but ends up chuckling. “Did you just say morning sickness four times in a row?” He quickly waves his hand casually before shaking his head. “Just kidding, she’s crying about her non-existent weight gain and how nothing fits her anymore and that we need to adjust the wedding date earlier before she becomes a whale, apparently. Not my words. It’s way too early to even see any change in her body. There’s not a single bump in there but she apparently sees it already so … I’m going home, she’s probably stressing the out of my cat right now with her bawling so, I’m off.” He salutes at me before walking through the gap I left on the door.

He may not show it, but I can tell how much Kyungsoo cares about his pregnant fiancée. It’s really nice to see, because, for the longest time, he was sure he didn’t want to have kids.

I swear I caught him window shopping online for baby stuff one time. He said he was shopping for his cat, but I don’t think his cat needs a stroller and a crib. I don’t know why he’s too embarrassed to show he’s now excited about it too.

When I turn to watch my boyfriend again, I don’t see him there anymore. I look around the busy tables and the staff scattered. No Baekhyun.

Where did he go now?

I step out of my office completely to look for him. It doesn’t take me too long to find him outside, at the back alley of the restaurant. He just stood there while leaning on the red brick by the back door. He has his phone in his hand, his finger scrolling through the screen.

“Baekhyun,” I call him.

He quickly looks up with his inattentive gaze. “Oh, hey babe. What’s up?”

I walk out and approach him. Without saying anything, I close the gap between our bodies, and I give him an embrace, burying my face onto his chest. I feel his body constrict for a bit until it relaxes against me. “What’s wrong, hm? Tell me.” He gently rubs my back as if I’m the one who’s having a problem.

“You tell me,” I say in his shirt.

He only sighs, but that tells me that he knows that I’ve caught him. He pushes me gently before cupping my face, making me look up at him. “Nothing’s wrong. I just … I just think I’m ready to talk to her but, uhm, I don’t think it’s the best time for her right now.” He laughs before looking down. “I don’t re—really know what to do, or how to talk to her … she’s mourning, and I feel like I should just give her more space than I ever have given and so she could just focus on—”

“If … whatever your dad said was true, about her, don’t you think she’d need you right now?” I had to ask.

Baekhyun lets out a weird laugh while rolling his eyes. “Err—I don’t think—maybe I should just—I don’t know. I still feel weird about this whole thing, about her.” He ends up shrugging with no clear response.

I wish I had the answers. Perhaps this is a very natural reaction from him, as someone who didn’t grow up having his mother by his side.

It’s like … he feels something for her, but he also doesn’t feel anything for her, which makes everything so complicated.

Baekhyun taps my cheek firmly before laughing again. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. And besides, her son is there for her. Minjun needs her right now more than I do, and that’s a fact that I genuinely understand. He lost his father; he needs his mom.”

Okay, that … makes sense.

I completely forgot that he has a younger half-brother who’s a model and looks just like him—not that it matters at all. Just saying.

“Anyway, you want to come over to my place later? My dad’s been meaning to invite you. Is that okay?” He changes the topic, his genuine smile assures me that he’s feeling better than two minutes ago.

“Of course, babe,” I say before taking a few steps back towards the door and watching his face change. His widened eyes move side to side, as he suppresses a grin.

I just called him babe for the first time.

And surprisingly, it suits him. He looks like a babe. I think I’m gonna keep calling him that now.

“Can you do that again?”

Baekhyun leisurely takes backward steps as he smiles down at me, his arms all stretched out as he held my hands. I can’t help but glance at his feet just in case he trips from doing that. We’re now on our way to their apartment, straight from work, and I have to admit that I’m quite excited to see his father again.

His father feels very familiar to me now. He’s welcoming and I’ve never felt judged by him.

That time when I told him about my diagnosis, he was so interested and genuinely fascinated to find out that female autism could be vastly different from male autism, and he was so intrigued by the book that was given by Miss Yubin.

To be honest, he was the only parent that I had at that time.

Although I’ve reconciled with my parents now, I still feel a little bit uncomfortable around them and I know that they feel the same. I can tell that they’re trying hard not to judge whenever I’m around and acting like my real self.

I’ve already accepted the fact that it’s going to take my parents a long time to get used to and well-acquainted around me.

They had their chance to get to know me a long time ago, but they blew it because of their pride. I’ve forgiven them for taking that chance away from me too but one thing I promised myself is that I will not pretend to be someone else in front of them anymore and if they still feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar with Choi Soobin … then they know exactly whose fault it was.

And it’s not mine. It was never mine.

Like how Baekhyun always described it, I’m beautifully unique.

“Do what?” I ask him, and I can’t help but mirror his grin.

“Call me babe again.”

I look away to laugh. Since I called him that afternoon, I haven’t had the chance to do it again. I guess it will take time for me to get used to it. It’s still something that I need to purposely incorporate with my sentence, for me to actually use it.

“You can’t just force that—” I suppress my laugh. “—It needs to come out naturally …babe.” I belatedly add it in the end, making Baekhyun snort a chuckle.

We arrive in front of his apartment, and he leans on it for a second, still facing me. “So, Dad made beef bone soup for dinner tonight, but he also made seafood ramen, for you and Jaehyun. But hey, it’s not instant ramen, it’s the good homemade one, you’ll love it.” He tells me, even winking at the end.

“I’m sure I will,” I tell him with a nod, gesturing him to open the door.

I wait for him to get in when he opens the door, but his head only drops on the floor. I follow his gaze at a pair of female shoes that I immediately register didn’t belong to anyone who lived in this apartment.

Then a faint voice coming from the living room is heard. A female voice

“Ba—baekhyun, who’s—”

Baekhyun raises a finger on his lip, gesturing me to keep quiet. He grabs my hand tightly before dragging me inside. The door quietly closes, and we make our way into the hallway.

I stand behind my boyfriend who peeks behind a wall.

I feel his grip tighten more once he gets a sight of what’s happening in the living room.

“If you’re so upset that I lied to him about everything, why’d you play along with it for the longest time? You took advantage of it too, so stop playing the victim.” I hear his father’s voice next. He seems very upset and I’ve never heard Mr. Byun talk in that tone before. He was so always cheerful and gentle.

Then. The female voice talks next. “I never played the victim. Yes, I did take advantage of it. It was easier that way. It was my way to cope with the pain. Distancing myself from him helped me get through it. Pretending that I didn’t care was easier for me at the beginning but there was not a time that I didn’t regret it each time, I just didn’t know how to undo it anymore. You will never understand what I went through with Dongsik and—”

“What about what Baekhyun went through, did you ever try to understand it, Mooyeon? You really are an actress, you made it so real, and it caused nothing but pain to him.”

I know that name. I stare at my hands that slowly slid off Baekhyun’s grip. I tilt my head over Baekhyun’s shoulder to check on him. He’s not peeking from the wall anymore. He just stood there motionless and staring into space.

Baekhyun turns away, leaning against the wall and just stared off at the hallway. I try to peek, but he didn’t let me, holding my hands down before closing his eyes.

And for a while, we just hid and listened.

“Look, I’m not here to cause problems. I understand what I’ve done and I’m not trying to take back what I’ve already let go of. Baekhyun is an adult now so there’s no point fighting over this, Rohee. I just want to talk to him about the contract termination.” Mooyeon says with a choked voice.

She must be crying.

“You’re just giving him hope by saying that the contract is off. It’s not like things will change between you two anyway, is that right? You’re gonna go on with your life the same way and he would too. I know we would.” Mr. Byun grunts back.

There’s a long pause and only Mooyeon’s exhausted sigh could be heard.

I look at Baekhyun and he still has his eyes closed. No tears. No frown. Nothing. I can’t read him. I can’t figure out what he’s feeling, if he’s hurt or if he’s scared … and it’s distressing me like nothing ever have.

Mooyeon clears loudly before speaking. “I’m going to announce retirement in the industry. So, no. It’s not going to be the same way for me. Why won’t you let me make things right for once? We’re old now, stop being prideful.”

“Oh, now I’m the prideful one? Mooyeon, for thirty years all you’ve done was—”

“Stop.” Baekhyun suddenly spoke sharply.

When he opens his eyes, they were watery, and I find myself reaching up to wipe them away even before they could fall. He takes my hand and drags me out of the wall, revealing us.

I quickly hide behind him when I catch eyes looking at me.

This is not about me but I—my gaze falls to Baekhyun’s hands. They’re shaking. He’s shaking. in a deep breath, I take his hand again and intertwine our fingers together.

“Baekhyun, Soobin.” When Mr. Byun mentions my name, I slowly step aside to reveal myself.

I only meet Mooyeon’s eyes for half a second before I drop my head for a full bow. “Goo—good evening. My name is Ch—Choi Soobin. Nice to meet you—”

Baekhyun suddenly pushes me to hide behind him again, his hand never letting me go. “Why are you here?” He interrogates his mother in a soft, almost exhausted tone. As if he couldn’t wait for this conversation to be over before it even starts.

Mooyeon stands up, looking genuinely surprised by our presence. Just when I thought that she was going to say something, she only looked down with guilt peeking through those furrowed eyebrows of hers. She looked a lot simpler than the last time I met her.

No makeup. No designer outfits. No freshly blown-out hair.

She actually looks a lot more approachable now. More motherly, I’d say.

I look at my boyfriend next and the disappointed look on his face says it all. It’s not only towards his mother now, but also for his father. He suddenly drags me to the other end of the couch, and he made me sit with him, both of us sharing one armchair, so it was a little tight.

“Wow,” Baekhyun’s voice was faint, both in disbelief and amazement. “I don’t think I’ve ever had both of my mother and father in one room with me before.” I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not, but my best guess is that he’s genuinely amazed by it?

I hear faint laughter in Baekhyun and Jaehyun’s room and I immediately recognize the child-like but deep laughter from the boy.

Mr. Byun scratches his neck. “I just made him stay there for now to play.” He explains before anyone of us asked. “Anyway, Baekhyun, I know this must be a lot for you and—”

“No.” Baekhyun cuts his father off again. He looks up at both of them and to my surprise, he smiled. “To be honest, I’m not even really sure what I feel about you yet, Mooyeon. I keep thinking about it and … I feel like I should be hurt or feel betrayed, but I guess … I never really loved you for me to genuinely care that much.”

The creases on Mooyeon’s forehead deepen but she quickly looks down to hide them. “That makes sense. Tha—that’s what I was telling your father because I know that you’re old now and I can’t just—”

Once again, Baekhyun doesn’t let her finish. “But if you’d ask nicely, maybe things could change. That’s if you want things to change between us. If you don’t want to, I’m cool with that too.” He bargains casually.

I can’t help but find this very unusual conversation between a son and a mother, but I guess I will never understand it, I had my mother by my side, at least physically, all my life.

There was silence in the living room that makes me feel all sorts of anxiety. I look at all of them and no one dared to make eye contact for a while.

Baekhyun chuckles. “If you have to think about it, it means you don’t want to. Feel free to go now. I understand whatever it is about the contract termination, we just go our separate ways, and I won’t bother you again. I don’t need a contract to keep my mouth shut. I’m not in any way proud to be your son.” He says.

For the first time, I see Mooyeon’s eyes glistening with tears. Baekhyun’s words were rough, but I feel like she deserved it. Whatever happened between her, and Mr. Byun should have affected Baekhyun to this extent.

“Baekhyun, I want to apologize about … all of these. I should have been truthful with you. I was overwhelmed by my pride and shame.” Mr. Byun mutters softly.

Baekhyun looks up at his father and sighs. “I get it, Dad. Trust me, I … understand what you mean.” Then, he stands up and walks over to the door. “Mooyeon, I’m sorry for your loss. Have a good evening and uh, goodbye for good, I guess.” He opens the door, gesturing for her to leave.

Mooyeon stands up with her hands tightly gripping the handles of her purse. When the first tear fell from her eyes, I catch my boyfriend looking away, his Adam’s apple dipping a couple of times as if he’s resisting himself from feeling anything.

I understand if he doesn’t feel anything about all of these. Just like he said. But if he’s pretending not to … then I don’t think it’s going to be good for him in the long run.

I anxiously watch her as she hesitates to take the first step to the door. Emotions build up inside me and all I could think of and worry about is the future Baekhyun and what this night would eventually do to him. I can’t let this go on like this. I can’t let her do this to him all over again. He doesn’t deserve it.

As soon as I see Mooyeon’s foot moving, I get up sharply. “Ba—Baekhyun did say he doesn’t love you but … it doesn’t mean he would never love you. You ju—just need to earn it. He’s no—not rejecting you, just bec—because he said that a while ago.” I don’t know what the heck is going on in my brain right now but all I know is that I need to do something for future Baekhyun to be happier and finally live the life that he deserves.

“Soobin,” Baekhyun calls my name, but I don’t dare to look at him this time. I only focus my attention on his mother.

I take one step forward. “Miss Mooyeon, if you’re too scared and intimidated that it’s too late to get to know your son, I can … help you. I know him very well.” I feel my lips trembling as I try my best to smile at her.

This time, Mr. Byun stands up and reaches for my arm. “Soobin, you don’t have to get involved in this. I’m so sorry for this—”

I shake my head before giving him a slight bow. “Mr. Byun, let’s do this together because Baekhyun deserves it. He’s not just … a bubble that appeared out of thin air,” I quote one of the things that Baekhyun had told me in the past. “He’s your son. He’s never old enough nor too old to start anew. He just … wants initiative from both of you. Deep inside, maybe he’s still the same child who’s … wishing he had a mother by his side.”