37 | BITTER PILL

Soobin

I feel numb from inside and out. It has surely been a long time since I had to endure this sort of scenario. Mom, Dad, Hanbin and his wife and kid —with me. One full house.

My cheeks have been hurting from the constant smiling and laughing, I think I’ve used up all kinds of smiles I could think of. My voice is nearly hoarse from the mandatory small talks every ten minutes or less, depending on my brother’s mood.

And I just arrived back from work literally thirty minutes ago. I feel like I’ve been sitting here faking a smile for hours.

I just want some fresh air but every time I’d attempt to, something comes up or … Hanbin would think of something new to talk about. Of course, it’s about him. Like all the time. Maybe a hundred-and-ten percent of the time, it’s just about him and his excellence.

Normally, I don’t care. I just don’t.

But it’s a different story when there’s my mom and dad who always found a way to compare us two, but in the most passive-aggressive and subtlest ways that sometimes make me think I’m just overly sensitive.

Then, there’s Lim Hara who’s like the perfect housewife, mother, daughter-in-law, and every kind of woman material that also makes my parents compare me to her because I am certainly none-of-the-above.

And of course, I can’t forget Jisoon. My dear nephew, who’s been running from hallway to hallway, from the kitchen to the living room, upstairs and downstairs, upstairs and downstairs, upstairs and downstairs—and screaming at the top of his lungs when he gets overjoyed over something as trivial as a spiderweb.

It’s just … a lot.

And this is only my second day here.

In an hour or two, we’re gonna have the much-awaited (not really, not for me) Welcome back party for Hanbin that was arranged by himself. I want to run away. I want to hide under the table later. I want to lock myself up in my bedroom until everyone is gone. I just want to be … out of here. But it’s impossible. And the fact that Hanbin is going to be here in South Korea permanently, is terrifying to me. I’m done for. I’m forced to do this for the rest of my life again.

Ugh, I miss Baekhyun. I just want to breathe again. I need him.

Speaking of the angel, he said he was gonna try coming later. Before I left, he was talking to Kyungsoo. I don’t know how it went but I hope everything’s okay. Kyungsoo actually talked to me today about the recent happenings involving me.

There wasn’t much for me to say. I didn’t know what to say because I don’t know what’s happening either.

So, all I could do was apologize and promise him that I’ll work harder in the future. Well, future as in after I asked to leave early today, of course.

I have a good boss. A very patient one, I must say. I feel like if I acted the way I acted the previous two incents, I would have received an official warning or worst-case scenario, I would have gotten fired for such incompetent behaviour as a manager.

Suddenly, I feel a presence and a hand on my left near my ear and I almost jump from where I am sitting. I recoil in fear as I look over my shoulder.

It’s my brother, holding what seems to be a piece of shrimp in a skewer. “This is one of the finger foods that Hara’s making for tonight, try it.” He tries to shove it on my mouth, but I am quick to back away.

I shake my head eagerly. “N—no, thank you. Later.” I kindly decline.

He flicks his tongue at me before grabbing my hand and passing me the skewer. “I don’t li—I just—shrimp is—” I stare at the skewer in my hand before glancing at my mom who’s eyeing me. “Just eat it.” She mouths quietly.

I almost gag at the sight of the tail at the bottom of it. The head and shell were off which is awesome, but the tail is still there, and it just bothers me.

I don’t like shrimp. Not because it tastes bad but because it looks scary. It’s basically a cockroach that lives underwater. I feel acid climbing up to my throat as I lean closer to the skewer and smell the combination of the fishy and buttery aroma of the sea cockroach in my hand.

I feel my mother slapping my thigh and that’s when I realize that Hara is standing a meter away from me, patiently waiting for me to try it.

“This looks—it looks amazing, for sure!” I beam. “I can’t wait to tr—I can’t wait to try it but—it must have taken a long time to make them, no?” I try to stretch my time as I turn to her.

“Not so bad. I’ve been trying to perfect it, hopefully, it’s better now. Hanbin likes his shrimp in a particular texture.” Hara giggled back at me.

Well, for the record, he likes everything in a particular way which is… no one else’s way but his. Ugh.

Hanbin throws an arm around her. “I tried it. Finally, it’s not overdone, could be a little less salty but it’s tolerable. I always tell her if the shrimp makes a letter C, it’s cooked. But if it turns into an O, then it’s overcooked. Very simple analogy, right?” He boasts.

“Go ahead, don’t be shy to critique me, Soobin.” Hara encourages while nodding.

Hmm, looks like someone’s used to being critiqued. This isn’t Master Chef. She’s taking this way too seriously. She should hang out with Kyungsoo, if anything, they’d probably hit it off.

No offense meant to Miyoung.

“Yup.” Hanbin massages her shoulders before kissing her on the head. “She has a lot of time to practice in the kitchen while watching her favourite show now that she’s a housewife. Right, babe?” He laughs.

Ugh, that again with the housewife thingy.

I feel like he’s the only one who’s excited for Hara to be an official housewife. It’s almost like he planned it all and he’s been dreaming about it. Wouldn’t it be more comfortable and easier for him if they both worked and put bread on the table though?

I don’t get his logic, to be honest.

“I’m su—I’m sure it’s a little more than cooking and watching TV, being a housewife, no?” I say and I fail to ignore the sad smile on Hara’s face before she looked down.

Okay, fine, now I feel extremely bad if I don’t eat this. I’m sure she worked hard for this … technically, not by choice. And I know how it feels to do things against one’s choice.

I stare at my skewer again and with my eyes closed, I take a big bite while avoiding the tail.

Not a cockroach. Not a cockroach. Not a cockroach.

I chew it as fast as I can while cancelling out the idea that cooked cockroaches would taste exactly the same.

I open my eyes as I grin in between chewing. Not a cockroach. “Is it good?” Mom asks me. Not a cockroach, Soobin. “Yes, it’s so good!” I exclaim in fake excitement. Not a cockroach, stop thinking about it!

Without chewing it properly anymore I swallow it.

Oh god, I just swallowed a cockroach.

“Ar—are you okay? Was the—was there a shell left? I tried my best to peel and devein them carefully.” Hara asks me and I assume my expression tells them that I just swallowed a freaking cockroach.

Laughing nervously, I assure her. “No! Are you kidding me, it’s so good! So bu—so buttery. Thank you, Hara.”

Hara happily leaves the living room to go back into the kitchen. As long as she’s happy. I already feel bad for her because it seems like she doesn’t really enjoy not working. I know I wouldn’t.

To my surprise, Hanbin frowns at me as he approaches the couch. He snatches the skewer from me. “What was that?” he hisses quietly. I widen my eyes as I look up at him before turning to our mom who just pouted and remained quiet.

“What—what was what?” I ask, mimicking the quietness in his tone.

“You look so disgusted while eating it, why are you being rude to your sister-in-law? Is it because you got compared to her? Is it her fault now that you’re lacking in femininity?” His sudden anger surprises me to the core. I thought I did well in hiding it. It’s not even personal. I just didn’t like shrimp. I tried my best. I ate it, didn’t I?

I shake my head. “Wh—what did I do wrong again?” I ask, genuinely curious about what he has to say this time.

Hanbin just throws me another hard look before shaking his head. “Act your age, don’t be like that in front of our relatives later, you’re going to embarrass me.” He says before walking away, even scratching his neck in irritation.

I turn to my mother hoping to get some kind of comfort, but she only reaches for my lap for a light tap. “He probably still has jetlag, it’s okay, sweetie. Just be nicer next time, okay? He’s just being protective over his wife, it’s normal.” She softly lectures me, obviously taking his side.

Oh my god. Did my mom just really say Hanbin has jetlag flying from Japan to South Korea three days ago?

My mother used to be a history professor. In university. She’s a very intelligent woman. But when it comes to her favourite son, she loses all logic.

I choose not to argue anymore. There’s no point. I’d rather be the bad child, like always. I’m used to it.

Sometimes, when you get used to things … it eventually stops building up and causing outbursts.

It’s like building a sandcastle but instead of it going higher, it just gets wider and wider. It’ll never collapse but it’s also impossible to get to the very center of it because of how wide it had gotten. That’s me. I’m the center and around me is a wide complex maze that I can’t find my way out of.

And it’s like, I have the map in my hands but … I can’t read it. I’ve tried to learn it but I can only ever go as far as pretending that I know how to read it.

But the truth is, I’m just going in circles and never really reaching the exit point.

Th