46 | EUREKA PUNCH

Baekhyun

No matter how much I tell myself enough, I still cannot move on.

How could I have missed such an important thing about a person I once treated like a brother? Has he been keeping this to himself all his life? I know that feeling bad for him is probably the last thing I should be doing right now but I can’t help it.

Never in a million years would I ever say that what he did to those victims was justified by the fact that he couldn’t be true to himself but how I wish he had the right people around him who could have helped him resolve this in a better and humane way.

But then again … it’s Choi Hanbin I am talking about. The Choi Hanbin who never needs anybody’s help. The one who loves himself the most—or better yet, hates himself the most.

Trying to decipher every moment I’ve had with him throughout high school and the university doesn’t help me. Although there was one particular time, early in our friendship and before his nasty personality was fully developed that could have probably given it out?

Eighteen years ago …

“Not bad, mine’s still better though.”

Hanbin throws my notebook on my chest while laughing. “Okay, singing about nature and mother earth is better than singing about climbing a cliff and singing Queen’s I Want to Break Free at the top of your lungs, like what is that? Why reference a pre-existing song?” I argue back as I look down at my writing. To be honest, I tried to write about love, but it just doesn’t sound right.

What do I know about that? I’m freaking fourteen.

I watch my friend flop down on the grass. We are hanging out at the empty soccer field, eating our lunch. I bought a boring sandwich, so Hanbin gave me some from his lunch box because he hates it anyway. Why would I say no to free food, right?

I take one more bite of the pork cutlet from his container. “And besides, we should try writing about love so that when we start the band that you want, we can be cooler and—”

I hear heavy footsteps on my left, making me turn, and I see Hanbin’s younger sister. I’ve only met her three times because she doesn’t really leave the house that much, even when Hanbin and I would hang out outside their house after school.

I nudge Hanbin. “Hey, your sister is coming,” I mutter but my gaze doesn’t leave her sight.

“Huh? Oh, my mom did tell me she forgot to pack my extra snacks and the Lemon Ginger smoothie for me. She probably brought it for my voice lessons later tonight so I can just go straight to the studio.” Hanbin replies and I feel sit up while moving closer to me. His sister arrives right in front of us while catching her breath. “Easy there, why’d you just bring it to me now? What time did you get here?” Hanbin grabs the tumbler and a small container from her hands.

“So—sorry, I forgot them in my locker.” She stutters. “Don’t te—tell Mommy, please.”

Hanbin opens the lid of the tumbler and smelled it. “It’s not even chilled anymore; do you want it? I don’t really like this smoothie—I just—do I really have to drink this, it’s disg—” He sighs before closing the lid. “I won’t tell on you but drink this for me and don’t tell Mom either that I didn’t drink this.” He hands the tumbler back.

The girl stares at it while blinking heavily.

She’s kind of … cute.

She hesitates before looking down at her brother. “But I don’t like it either—”

“Drink it. Do you want me to just pour it down and waste Mom’s efforts? Isn’t that worse?” Hanbin cuts her off. When she slowly pushes the built-in straw out and starts drinking, Hanbin leans closer to me while sniggering. “It’s the worse drink ever but my mom insists I’d do better in my lessons if I drink it. I hate it so much, bro.” He whispers.

I frown while trying to get his hands off my shoulders. “Why don’t you just tell your mom not to make it? If you don’t like it.”

He sighs, still laughing. “Nah, she’d be upset.”

A gagging sound makes me turn to the girl again. She finishes it in one gulp but almost threw up in the end. “Oh my god, you’re pathetic, I didn’t tell you to drink it now.” Hanbin nags her.

The girl frowns at the tumbler as she closes it again. “Here.” She hands it back to Hanbin before turning to her left. She faces us one more time before hesitantly bowing to me while half-smiling and showing one of her dimples. Our eyes meet for a millisecond, for the first time, and a weird intensity coils my stomach. “Bye.” Her voice is soft and shaky when she bids goodbye.

I casually lift one hand to wave stiffly at her as I watch her run away to leave. “What’s her name again?” I ask as I turn to my friend. “I know you’ve told me like twice but I never really talked to her before so I can’t remember.”

He’s now looking at me with a raised eyebrow. His gaze fleetingly drops and goes back up to meet mine. “Why do you want to know?”

Why do I want to know? That’s right. Why does it matter? She’s just my friend’s sister. It’s not like I’m going to have to interact with her. She doesn’t seem that friendly anyway.

But … I just want to know her name. Is that so wrong?

I shrug so passionately that I could almost feel my shoulders on my ears. “I—I don’t know, I was just asking—fine, don’t tell me. I don—I don’t care, I was just making co—conversation. I’m not that interested at all.” I reply sharply while looking away. “Going back to what we were talking about, we should try and write something about love so that our band won’t sound like a joke to the seniors.” I change the topic real quick.

“Have you fallen in love before, Baekhyun?” Hanbin asks, his voice suddenly going softer than it usually is.

I purse my lips together while I stare at the grass. “We don’t necessarily have to feel it, let’s just listen to a bunch of love songs and go from that. It’s pretty basic, boy meets girl, girl meets boy. They get to know each other and then they fall in love—”

“Does it really have to be always boy meets girl; girl meets boy?” Hanbin interrupts.

I look at him, but he is quick to avoid my gaze. “Just wondering.” He mumbles under his breath but I’m close enough to hear it. “Okay, well—” I try to help his curiosity out. “Of course, love isn’t always about a boy and a girl,” I tell him, and he suddenly looks at me with a growing smile. “You th—you think so too?” He asks.

I nod right away. “Of course, it could be for our parents too. Or our friends. Or even your pet. It’s still love.” I explain.

I watch his shoulders droop as he looks down again. “I’m sorry, I know you’ve always wanted a dog. I want a dog too, but my dad said we can’t afford to have one right now.” I reach for his back to rub him.

“Not that—ugh, never mind.” He yanks my hand away while folding his arms together.

What kind of love does he want then? I flip my notebook for an empty page to start our song. “We could write about our friendship. That’s love, isn’t it? Or is that too cheesy? But you know what I mean, right? We’ve known each other for a year and a half now. That’s worth a song for me. You’re like my second brother, since my brother’s way too young right now to hang out with me anyway, let alone talk. He’s already two but he’s still not talking a single word yet, unfortunately.” I try to cheer him up while tapping his shoulder.

He yanks me away again, still refusing to look at me. “Hey, if we write this together, we’ll start finding band members. How about that?” I lean closer and throw my arms around him again even if he kept on pushing me away.

Finally, he looks at me. “Do you like me, Baekhyun?”

With no hesitation, I nod as enthusiastically as I can to cheer him up more. “Of course! I told you, we’re like brothers. Of course, I like you. I like you very much.” I assure him again. If I have to assure him a thousand times, I would, so that he knows he’s loved. I always thought his parents are too tough on him that’s why he tends to be mean and aloof, but I do think he just needs assurance.

“Well, I don’t like you as a brother.” He looks at me dead in the eyes.

Ugh, rude? “Wow, you don’t have to be so rude about it. I just really treat my friends like family because I don’t have many people in my life to start with, so I like—”

Hanbin gets up, gathering all his stuff with him. “You’re making me cringe, you’re too sensitive and sentimental for a guy that it confuses me even more.” With heavy footsteps, he leaves me behind.

“What—what did I do? Hey, Hanbin—hey! What? I am so confused right now. What’s so wrong about being sensitive?” I look around the empty field, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Just then, my gaze fell to the east exit where Hanbin’s sister ran off earlier. I see someone’s head peeking through the left-hand side of the gate.

I think … it’s her.

“You’re still here, kid?” I speak with a smile. My voice seems louder than it is because I’m alone. Stretching my legs straight, I lean back with my palms rested on the grass on either side of me. “Anyway … you’re in fifth grade, right? I’m in seventh grade—why am I telling you, you pro—probably know. I’m your—I’m Byun Baekhyun, your brother’s classmate, and friend. Ah—we’re actually also kind of … neighbours, do you—do you know?” I continue to make a one-sided conversation.

I see her nod slightly, half of her body now showing. This is the most interaction I’ve had with her, ever.

“It’s … it’s Choi Soobin.” She finally speaks, just loud enough for me to hear, and the walls around the gates make her voice echo easily. Before I could even react, she runs away. Guess she heard me asking Hanbin about her earlier.

I find myself smiling wider as I flop down completely on the grass. “What a silly goose,” I whisper under my breath.

Present Day …

A high-pitched gasp escapes my mouth as the detailed memory replays in my head. I was only going to recall the part about boy meets girl; girl meets boy until I realized there was more to the conversation.

“Oh my god, he had the hots for me?” I blurt out, my voice echoing in the bathroom as the hot water runs down my face.

Knocking makes me cover my mouth with both hands. “Baekhyun, did you burn yourself again? I told you to stop showering with scalding water, it doesn’t make sense to me. You always come out of there with red skin, it’s not good, you know? You’re like sterilizing your whole body for no reason.” My dad nags, still knowing on the door.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.” I look up and the hot water goes straight into my eyes. “Ack—” I squeeze my eyes shut while twirling away again. “Byun Baekhyun, can you please tell me if you’re okay in there? You’re worrying me.” My dad continues to ask.

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