54 | TRUTH SERUM

Baekhyun

Everything is a blur when my gaze hit the ceiling. Catching my breath at the moment is like catching flies with a pair of chopsticks—impossible. I’m no ing karate kid.

What in the world just happened?

What the hell did this woman eat to be so enthusiastic like that all of a sudden? She was on the mothering top nearly the whole time until I personally demanded her to bend over for me so I can also work a bit near the end, and I swear to god, I have never ed her so hard as I did moments ago.

I did it so hard, I’m pretty sure things are going to be bruised the next day. They better be, because I almost broke my ing at one point. happens, so whatever. But to my surprise, she seemed to love it when I was going that hard. I didn’t know she had that in her, to enjoy rough . I felt her pushing against me just as much—wanting more, wanting it harder.

And as soon as she started doing just that, I knew I was done for. It only took me five more seconds. Five mothering seconds.

In fact, I’m surprised I was able to endure five more seconds on top of the thirty-five-minute and when I initially thought I’d definitely explode within five seconds of it happening.

Gosh, I’m getting better at my timing. I think like Soobin now. This is definitely her influence.

Anyway, tonight was an interesting discovery. She was so much more ually enthusiastic tonight which made it easier for me to introduce her to that level of roughness in the end.

Thank God for the internet, then.

Looking at my left, I see Soobin doing the same thing and staring at the ceiling while panting very hard. I can’t help but laugh. Everything just starts replaying in my head right away as if they didn’t happen literally moments ago.

“—” I slap my forehead. “Take my money, Soobin. Take them all.” I tell her as a joke.

Soobin looks at me with wide eyes and she shakes her head in protest. “N—no, I did all of them for free, I don’t want money. I promise I wasn’t trying to ask for anyt—”

I twirl back towards her and pull her into me. “It was a joke, babe. Please don’t take my money. I don’t even have any.” I bury my face on the crook of her neck, kissing her gently. Finally, I hear a faint laugh coming from her as she wraps her arm around my waist. “But seriously, you just never fail to amaze me, you know that?”

Our eyes meet and I feel the overwhelming emotions coming back to me when she smiles wider, and I’m suddenly a bit shy.

“Should we get a morning-after pill, just in case?” Soobin unexpectedly suggests.

Without even needing more discussion, we both break away from the hug to get up at the same time. “Yup, I most certainly broke that . Good call.” I comment as I dress. On the other hand, Soobin runs straight into the bathroom to take a shower.

Once I’m all clothed again, I go to her kitchen to get myself a glass of water. I definitely need it after all that. When I open her fridge, I am surprised to see things other than bottles of water, milk and eggs. There were other things such as vegetables, containers of side dishes that she seemed to have bought from the grocery store and many more items that I’ve never seen here.

Then my eyes fell to a small whiteboard taped on the top portion of the fridge.

It says, Eat healthier! If it’s too crunchy, cook it more to make it softer. If it’s too sweet or salty, water it down. If you don’t like the taste, put your favourite sauce on it and it will taste better!

Wow, I’m amazed. Whomever this therapist is, she’s really helping Soobin in a lot of ways. I never dared to comment or judge Soobin’s choice of food because I always thought that she probably has sensory issues like Jaehyun but it’s so nice to know that she’s trying to better herself, even if it’s tough.

But whether she keeps up with this new lifestyle or not, I’ll always support her.

Everything seems to be falling to its right place. We’re back together, she’s getting therapy, I’m not escorting anymore, my dad’s booked for his surgery … then there’s Mooyeon whom I just found out was initially willing to give up everything for me and my dad.

I almost … had a completely normal and happy life. I almost grew up with a mother and a father who were in love. I almost never had to go through everything I went through.

But as the song says, almost is never enough.

How I wish it was. I wish I’d known earlier so I didn’t grow up having this void in my heart. I wish I knew I was loved and that I was wanted, that I was the first choice.

I grab a chair on the dining table and sit down. As if I didn’t just have one of the best feelings with Soobin moments ago, all the negativity inside me scoops me back into this dark place where I’m most used to being trapped. , why do I do this to myself?

I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be relieved. Everything else is going great. Why is one bad thing affecting me more than the many other good things happening? And why, of all things, does it have to still involve Mooyeon?

It took me many years to accept and desensitize myself to the fact that I had no mother and will never have a mother.

And now that I know about all of these things, what am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to feel anything for her now? How do I do that? What is someone supposed to feel for their mother? What kind of love is it? What does having a mother who loves you actually do to you?

“For s’ sake, Mooyeon.” I close my eyes and bury them into my palm, massaging my temples with my fingers at the same time. The feeling gets heavier and heavier until my head is pressed against the table, while I shield it with my arms on either side as if doing so will protect me from feeling anything more.

No matter how much I try to ignore it. No matter how much I try to live a normal and worry-free life … it seems to be unattainable for me.

Something always seems to happen and I’m so ing sick of getting stuck in this limbo.

I just sit here for what seemed like an eternity, just taking in all the questions that will never be answered. The negativity becomes so heavy and painful that I reach that point where I’m close to drifting off to sleep.

That’s until a familiar warmth suddenly blankets me from behind. The fresh and clean scent of soap, soft and warm blown-out hair tickled my shoulders and head when Soobin hugged me.

“What’s wrong?” Her voice softly vibrates on my shoulder.

I raise myself from the table making her let go. And without saying anything, I pull her into me and wrap my arms around her tiny form, burying my face on her tummy. Her hands wrap around my head as she held me safe and warm and for a very long time, we just stay in the same position in complete silence.

She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t force me for answers. She just kept me warm, she kept me rested and assured in her arms. She’s the only one who could get me out of my head and away from the dark limbo I always get stuck in.

“What do I do?” The words are half-air when I say them. I don’t even realize that I’m in tears until I feel the wet sensation soaking the fabric of her shirt. When I look up, she cups my cheeks with her warm hands. “Soobin, what am I supposed to do?” I ask again, breaking into a sob.

Her expression remains calm but there’s a trace of worry peeking through those gentle eyes looking back at me. “Should we talk to her?” She suggests.

Her suggestion scares me, but I knew that was what I was waiting for. I didn’t want it to come from me. I didn’t want to think about it first. I didn’t want to show that I was that desperate for answers.

“Yo—you’re going with me?” I ask her, a little shocked that she said we instead of you.

“Of course. I’ll go anywhere with you, let me know when you’re ready to do that.”

Soobin thumbs my tears away before planting the gentlest kiss on my lips. Only nodding, I continue to hug her while hiding my face on her shirt. I could hug her for a very long time, and I’d never get tired of her touch, her scent, her everything. She makes everything worth it for me. Even this that I’m about to do.

Even if it doesn’t end up giving me the answers I deserve. As long as Soobin’s by my side, I will take it. Only when she’s with me that I don’t fear failure and rejection, even if it’s from my own mother.

“Should we go get the pill now?” She sighs into a smile as she rubs my arms affectionately.

Now with a smile, I look up at her and nod. She lets her fingers linger on my cheek as she takes a few steps backwards before twirling away to go back into her bedroom.

“Should I visit your parents? I think … I should still show up and give my side, about everything. Don’t you think?” I ask, making her stop. I know that she’s probably not ready for that yet, but I want to take my chance. I can’t avoid them forever, neither can she. If I can’t have a good relationship with them after everything, I want to at least be civil and honest about my intentions.

She turns to me with a smile but shakes her head. “They know you’re innocent about the thing with my brother and Hara. I’m sure they don’t hate you anymore, so don’t worry. I’m not close with them in the first place so it doesn’t matter whom I date now and how I—”

“I still want to let them know that my intentions are pure. I want to tell them how much I love you, and that I have no plans of ever ending this relationship. I want to tell them that I plan to marry you as soon as I am able to.” I stand up as I wait for her reaction.

Her face doesn’t move but I can tell she’s panicking. I approach her and brush my knuckle gently against her cheek.

“Should we go?” I ask casually, despite knowing that my last statement most likely freaked the out of her—in a good way, I’m sure.

She recoils from my question as if waking up from unconsciousness and gives me an exaggerated nod before rushin