33 | MELTDOWN

Soobin

A new kind of sensation rings in my head when I heard the term Autism from Ra Miyoung. Not that I’ve ever personally associated the word with myself but it’s just ... the fact that someone was able to offer a theory, an opinion—an overall idea of what may be happening to me was somewhat reassuring. 

It wasn’t another reminder of how much of a failure I am. It wasn’t that I’m unfriendly. It wasn’t that I’m boring. It wasn’t that I’m ... difficult. 

For the very first time, I begin to reckon that maybe ... something is going on that is beyond my control. Something more than just wrong behaviours and wrong decisions. 

Maybe there’s an answer and a thorough explanation to my thirty-year-long question. Why am I the way that I am?

I feel Baekhyun’s warmth wrap around my shoulders as he trails behind me. “You think she’s actually gonna fight him though?” He whispers with a chuckle. I shrug my shoulders once as I bite the grin off my face. After my heart-to-heart talk with him in the locker room, I thought we should check on what’s happening in the office. 

Especially now that Ra Miyoung just declared that she came here to fight. 

I’m not quite sure if Kyungsoo personally asked her to come but even if he didn’t, she seems to be the type of person who’d do this kind of thing. A part of me wants to be concerned because Hanbin is still my brother, whether I like it or not, but the dominant part of my brain honestly wants to witness how this is gonna go. 

I’m quite curious, not gonna lie. 

I’ve always wanted someone to sort of put my brother in his place, or at least match his strength. I’ve never met anyone who could. 

But now that Ra Miyoung is in the picture, it might just be possible. This might be the day, but who knows what could really happen in the end? She’s quite feisty herself but from my own experience, she has a lot more compassion compared to my brother who literally only ever cares about himself. 

I wish I wasn’t talking about my very own sibling like this. But this is the only way I could describe him. This is the only Choi Hanbin I know of. What else am I supposed to say? 

I lift my head to knock but Baekhyun stops me. “Uh, Soobin. Before we go in,” He twirls me around to face him, his hand sliding onto my hip. “Whatever Miyoung said in there just now ... don’t overthink it just yet. I’ll see what I can do, I’ll talk to Jaehyun’s doctor about it first and see what’s best to do in your case since you’re an adult. Probably a visit and a consultation would be good to start.” The way that he explains everything to me with so much grace and love, makes my chest tight with gratitude. 

He’s not judging me. He looks at me the same way that he always has. He’s not dismissing Miyoung’s theory but he’s also not pushing it.

He’s exactly the right person I’ve always needed and wanted. Someone whom I can really lean on. That’s not easy to find anymore in this day and age.

All I ever want is to understand myself, to know and accept the real me. Not the me I think people would prefer or include. I’m tired of pretending I’m the same just so that I could fit in. I just want to be able to express myself to other people the way I can express myself to Baekhyun and not overthink about what they’re going to say or think about me.

I just want to get to know Choi Soobin and maybe ... care about her a little more. Maybe, she really does deserve it. Maybe, she’s not actually that bad. 

And who knows, maybe I’ll realize that she could be pretty cool. 

The thought excites and scares me at the same time. It’s like getting to know a long-lost friend whom I’ve never met before. Except ... it’s all me. 

“Be honest with me, Baekhyun.” I look up at him. “Do you also think I may have something like wha—“

“, excuse me?” My words are interrupted by a snappy voice from inside the office. 

My eyes bulge as I stare at Baekhyun who had a horrified grimace, same as mine. That has to be Ra Miyoung yelling at my brother. Although the B-word is something I never thought would be used towards my brother. That’s new.

My second attempt to knock failed again when Baekhyun grabs the doorknob and swings it open as if he couldn’t wait any longer to witness this memorable event. I stay behind him as I peek over his shoulder. 

My brother is looking back at him with an uppish smile, seemingly amused. My heart warps up in anxiety. What’s gonna happen now? Not only did the two former best friends finally reunite but also, Ra Miyoung is there yelling her brains out at my brother.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you did not just say that I’m a -blocking midget and maybe I will reconsider judging your poor choice of fashion.” Miyoung continues with the same tone of voice while Kyungsoo stands beside her, wincing in what I assume is enjoyment. It’s like he’s watching a sitcom. 

I don’t really know what to feel. One side of my brain thinks I should side on my brother for obvious reasons—he’s family. But the other just wants to watch and ... let fate decide. 

“Wow, Baekhyun. Is that you, bro?” My brother shakes his head halfway as if he just had the greatest revelation of a lifetime. “Holy , you didn’t change at all, it’s kind of creepy to look at you. What the ?” To my surprise, he approaches him with a brotherly hug. 

I take a step back when I meet my brother’s eyes. He winks at me as if he’s proud of how fake he was just now. Unbelievable. He’s giving me literal goosebumps at how fake he can be. 

Although ... I’m just as fake. It’s just that we have different reasons and objectives for being a fake. Now that I think about it, it’s quite funny. I guess we still have some similarities after all.

A slightly piggy laugh bubbles out of me. Choi Soobin, this is not the time. Stop being weird. Why are you laughing? The chaos is making my brain all fuzzy and strange, it’s just too much.

Baekhyun doesn’t hug my brother back, I only see his fingers around the doorknob tightening until Hanbin finally steps back. 

Miyoung suddenly claps loudly and it makes me flinch. “Excuse me? I’m talking to you, you can’t just pretend that you didn’t just insult me here. Are you deaf? Or is your that small that you’re too scared to continue our conversation now because you thought I was just going to let that go?” 

Wow. I very rarely enjoy arguments and confrontations. This is inflicting me the same amount of anxiety as other fights would have ... but it’s also the sort of fight where you just can’t look away. 

“Sorry, one second. I have to take care of this one first.” Hanbin lifts a finger at me and Baekhyun while smiling before turning around to face Miyoung. His back is all straight, his chin up with pride and arrogance. “I asked you nicely the first time not to interrupt because first, this is none of your business quite literally and second, I don’t even know you so can you ju—“

“One piece of advice, don’t try to hide your lack of intelligence by acting arrogant. Okay? It doesn’t work on me, I still see the emptiness in that head of yours.” Miyoung cuts him off and I find myself covering my mouth with my forearm. I don’t know whether to laugh or feel bad for my brother right now. I really don’t know.

I’m in a very awkward situation. This is the first, definitely the first time that someone had the guts to call my brother out on his wrongdoings.

One thing I’m sure of, however, is that this is not going to end well. Mostly ... for me. I know my brother and I know what he’s capable of, I’m afraid.

Hanbin frowns hard as he points a finger at her. “What the hell did you just say to me and how dare yo—“

“No no no, not your turn, . And don’t you dare point a finger at me or I will slice your throat with my acrylic nails.” Miyoung wags her finger right at his face. 

Kyungsoo quickly pushes her hand down while keeping his head low, I can see him laughing in his shoulder though.“No, sto—leave me alone. I’m talking to this son of a .” Miyoung hisses at her own boyfriend before facing my brother again. 

Hanbin scoffs loudly while rolling his eyes. “Excuse me? What did you just call me—”

Once again, Miyoung doesn’t let him talk. She shushes him before speaking.“Whatever the your business here is today, you’re the one who needs something and it’s not going to be a great loss to these very talented people if you’re not satisfied with their service and decide to go somewhere else. They don’t owe you so stop being bloody entitled, you mothering son of a bi—“ Miyoung blows up in