38 | THIN ICE

Baekhyun

Jaehyun had finally calmed down and fallen asleep. Only when I hear his slow and steady breathing did I finally breathe easy myself. I was so worried I felt sick.

My father’s heavy sigh makes me peel my eyes away from my brother. He’s standing and leaning by the door, arms crossed on his chest.

“Son, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t say no to Hanbin. He came all the way here to invite me, he seemed to really want us to be there, and I didn’t want to be rude so I came along and I had to take Jaehyun with me. I was just gonna, you know, maybe say hi and talk for a bit but I wasn’t planning to stay for too long.” His voice is guilty, almost nervous.

I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself for letting this happen.

This is all my fault. I knew Hanbin was up to no good, but I wasn’t careful enough. That ing son of a just enjoys tormenting me for no goddamn ing reason and at this point, I don’t even know what to do anymore.

Without saying anything, I look down again as I shake my head.

“But you know—” My father continues to talk. “You didn’t have to snap at Soobin like that. I don’t understand why you did that; you should say sorry to her.”

Upon the mention of the name, I close my eyes tightly. My own words replay in my head and a heap of self-loathe and regret overwhelms me immediately.

I don’t know what came to me either. All the people looking and whispering about my family, the look on Soobin’s family’s face—especially Hanbin. And the pained expression from my brother … was just too much for me.

My mind just went pitch black for a moment and … Soobin was the first person that I saw as soon as awareness hit me. I don’t even clearly remember that moment anymore, the emotions were so unexpected.

I struggle to find the right words to say to my father.

There are no right words for what I did. I was an , period.

“Baekhyun, is it her?” He asks and I didn’t need more words to understand what his question means. I tuck Jaehyun more under the blanket before standing up. “What do you mean is it her?” I quietly say with my head still lowered as I approach the door, walking past my father.

After closing the door of the bedroom, he follows behind me. “The person you’re seeing. Is it her?” He boldly clarifies. He continues to follow me as I start washing some dishes. “Why do you keep insisting that I’m dating anyone, Dad?” I try to laugh but it doesn’t make me sound any better.

“And why do you keep denying it? What’s so wrong with you dating someone? You think I’m that kind of parent who’d interfere?” My father argues back. “Can you just tell me what’s going on in your head right now, son?”

My hand stops mid-rinsing a bowl. Clashing thoughts overwhelm me as I replay his question on a painful loop. Then, I feel his touch on my upper back. “Is this still about the talk we had? What, are you afraid to admit to me that you’re in love because you think it proves my point even more? That you deserve to be happy on your own at some point?” His words cause real pain in my gut as I try my best not to take them in.

Now … I don’t even know why I’m trying to hide it anymore. I don’t even know if it’s really because of my escorting job.

Is there more to it? Even I can’t understand what’s going on in my head.

I clear my throat as I proceed to wash the dishes. I am scrubbing the bowls so hard that my fingers hurt. A hint of relief and maybe even more anxiety leaps through my chest when I hear my father’s defeated sigh. From my peripheral view, he’s walking away while shaking his head.

Just when I thought it was over, dad turns to me one more time. “Anyway, whether you’re dating her or not … I think you should still apologize. As your parent, I am telling you to either go back out there or call her and apologize for your behaviour.” His voice is firm and stern, I can’t remember the last time he reprimanded me like this.

For so many years … I’ve felt like I’m just as much of a parent as he is. Or maybe even more than that. And I hate that I am admitting that to myself right now.

“And for the record,” He finally chuckles lightly. “I think Soobin is a very sweet and caring lady. I like her for you. Too bad you’re not dating her, right?” I glare at him but I must admit that a smile is threatening to lift the corners of my mouth right now. “Are you done nagging me yet?” I joke as I toss my bubbly hand in the air as if hitting him, using bubbles as my main weapon.

Dad rolls his eyes and wags his hand. “Just finish that and be a better boyfriend. Apologize to her. You were so mean; I can’t believe you. Don’t be crying to me later if she dumps you, you deserve it.” He says as he walks away completely.

“Uh—she—Dad, I said she’s not—” I give up mid-sentence, knowing very well that he won’t listen to me anyway. I throw the sponge on the sink as I look down. For some reason, I can’t replay the same scene in my head. I know it was her, I see her but … my vision is blurry. I don’t even remember how she looked at me then.

, I really messed things up. And there I was, worrying about her the whole day. I didn’t even bother asking her how she is and instead, I yelled at her. Way to go, Byun Baekhyun. Acid climbs up my throat as I think of all the scenarios that could happen, one of them being Soobin dumping me as my father said.

And I don’t want that to ever happen.

But again, as my father said, I probably deserve it.

Because I’m a , I foolishly let twenty hours pass without contacting Soobin. I’m gonna be honest though, I was holding it for the first ten hours but then she never initiated a text or a call either so then I thought maybe it was really best if I just wait a little more and give her some time.

But now I’m starting to regret waiting that long. I don’t want her to think that I just called it quits between us, just like that. I just … really don’t know what to do or where to start or how to deal with this kind of dilemma.

I keep forgetting that Choi Soobin is my first girlfriend. I don’t know half of the I’m doing right now.

All I know is that I must have hurt her deeply. I genuinely fear that this is the end of us. , that’s quick. And it’s all my fault for being so goddamn stupid and impulsive. After over fifteen years of waiting, I still managed to waste this one ing chance I got with her.

When I arrive at the restaurant, I go straight to my bar. I usually go to the office to greet my girlfriend but not today. Again, here. I’m way too scared. And it’s not even that she’s scary, it’s not that she’s going to scream at me or beat me up. I don’t even really know where I’m getting this fear from. All I know is that I deserve to be dumped for what I did but I really really really don’t want to be dumped.

I’m not ready to face her. It will be the end of me.

As I start prepping, I see Kyungsoo walking out of the kitchen. He gives me a quick nod before proceeding to talk to some of the staff. Maybe this old guy would know better. Should I ask him before I make a move into the office?

Or am I going to regret it? Let’s see.

“Psst, chef.” I lift a hand like a student. I ignore it when he shoots me a worn-out glare. “Chef, come here, I want to ask you something,” I tell him. I read his lips saying, “Oh god, here we go again.” but again, I ignore it and continue to signal h