42 | REALITY BOMB

Baekhyun

It’s quite odd that I feel like everything’s in slow motion and yet I’m shocked when turning my truck to our street. I didn’t feel the past thirty minutes at all since leaving the hospital. My father sat beside me on the passenger’s side while my brother stayed at the back. No words have been said the whole time and I plan to keep this silence going for as long as my heart could take it.

If I speak about it right now, it’ll just confirm this heavy feeling in my chest. Maybe if I wait a little longer, it’ll turn out to be nothing but a bad dream. I have been having the best few weeks of my life because of Choi Soobin.

It’s too soon for this and I’m not sure how to feel about this sudden shift of emotions inside me. If I knew this would happen, I woudn't have let myself feel this constant high because of love. All those fluttering feelings were nothing but temporary relief and it only made me forget what kind of life I have. My whole system is just crashing down into tiny particles and I'm not quite sure how to build myself back up.

 Why is it that whenever something good happens to me ... bad things appear out of nowhere? 

I hear a nonchalant sigh from my father as he lightly taps me on the arm. I continue to stay still and not react. “Son, come on—it’s not worth it. I’m completely fine with just doing the dialysis. It’s what we can afford. It’s not like I work anyway, so I have all the time in my hands. My doctor’s just overreacting, he just wants to get more money by—”

“Did you not hear a word he said? You’re not getting any better, you need the transplant, Dad.” I finally burst, cutting my father off.

He continues to shake it off like it’s not a big deal at all. “Ay, it’s such a waste of money and I hate surgeries, I don’t need it. I’m fine with dialysis, it’s what we can handle. He said I could still choose to stick with dialysis anyway, he just said the transplant is just more cost-effective in the long run, but the thing is, we don’t have that kind of money offhand. Let’s be realistic, son.” He argues back while laughing.

“Realistic? This is realistic, what’s happening right now is the sad reality, Dad. You need a kidney transplant, and I will make it happen for you if it’s going to help you live better. Just give me a few months. That’s it, end of discussion. We are not to talk about this again until I am booking you for the surgery.” My voice shakes but I try to focus on driving.

As I drive into our building’s underground parking, my father decides to keep going. “But Baekhyun, you just heard the other things he said too, even just being on the waiting list for a donor could sometimes take years and even then, we’re not sure if my body’s going to take it well, so what’s the point? I still have to stick with dialysis while waiting anyway, so let’s just not bother—”

“I will be your donor,” I tell him with no hesitation.

This time, his casual demeanour isn’t as strong anymore. “Oh, my goodness, Baekhyun. Stop being silly, you’re not going to donate anything to me, you understand me? It’s more than enough having one person in our family that has busted kidneys. Keep yourself intact and healthy. You still have a long way ahead in your life to have only one kidney in your body just because of me.” He scolds me back, even slapping me on the arm.

When I’m parked, I turn to Jaehyun who’s looking at us with anxious eyes. “Buddy, get the grocery bags at the back and carry them for Dad. Don’t let him carry anything, please. He’s not feeling well.” I tell him.

“Aren’t you coming up with us? I thought we were making dinner together?” Dad asks while opening the car door slowly.

I shake my head. “Just go ahead first, I have somewhere to be.”

There was a brief silence in the car until my father flicks his tongue. “I swear to god, don’t do anything funny. I really don’t want to get the surgery, I’m too old for that and I really don’t mind just getting dialysis, even if it’s for the rest of my life—it’s not gonna be too long anyway. I’m old, Baekhyun. It’s not worth it.” He tells me softly but the words were knives stabbing me right in the chest.

I close my eyes tightly while holding onto the steering wheel. “Dad, please, just—please, just let me do this for you. I beg you.”

“But you can’t. And even Aunt Sooyoung won’t be able to, especially now that she’s retiring. She wants to help us financially but the surgery’s going to be too much, even for her, and I don’t want to bother her either. I want her to enjoy her retirement. The quote we’re given from the pre-surgery to post-surgery measures is way too much and for what? I’m gonna die in a few years anyway because I’m old and I have other complications that cou—”

“Stop!” I hiss and slap the steering wheel. “Just stop. Please, just stop this. I don’t want to hear it, okay?” I glare at him, my vision getting blurry with tears.

My father signals Jaehyun to wait outside and the anxious boy steps out while shaking his hands against his ears. I feel sorry for showing that side of me to my brother but I just … can’t think straight right now.

Once the boy is out, I look at my father again. “You should go up now, I need to find a part-time,” I announce, earning a worn-out groan from him.

“Baekhyun, you’re already working in a factory during the day and working as a bartender all night, how are you going to fit another part-time? Please, you’re going to kill yourself. Can you stop overreacting, please?” He hisses angrily at me.

I raise a hand in front of him. “Is it overreacting for me to want my father to live a better and longer life? You keep saying you only have a few years left—well guess what, I need more than a few years of you.”

My father is silent for a long moment as he leans on the seat. “But I’m tired, Baekhyun. I just can’t do it for much longer—”

“You’re feeling like that because of dialysis and it’s my fault for not trying harder to give you a better treatment right from the beginning. If you get a kidney transplant, you’re going to feel normal again. Don’t you want that, Dad? Because I want that. And maybe Jaehyun doesn’t clearly understand what’s happening right now but I’m sure he’d agree with me.”

He turns to me with a tired smile. “My son, I want you to have a normal life again. That’s what I really want. You’re still young and you still have a lot of time to get it back, don’t make me slow you down even more. Please.”

“I’m sorry, Dad, but I’m not listening to you. It doesn’t make sense to me that you’re choosing dialysis over a transplant when dialysis literally makes you feel ty every single ing day of your life no matter how much you try to hide it from me.”

My father scrapes his palms over his face in frustration. “I keep telling you, it’s not worth it, it’s too much for you. I just don’t want to burden you even more. The least I could do is stick with something that is within our budget and it’s fine, I just—”

“I’ll ask Mooyeon for money.” I cut him off.

With the mention of the name, my father glares at me while pointing a trembling finger. “Don’t you dare, Byun Baekhyun, I’m telling you, you’re testing me right now and I’ve had enough of this. Don’t forget that I’m still your father. I’d rather die than ask for that kind of help from her.” He warns me.

“Exactly. And I agree. That’s why let me do my own thing and I will figure it out myself. It’s doable, you just have to let me start it.” I argue back.

Instead of arguing further, my father fully opens the car door and hops off.

“Dad, please tell me you understand me,” I say, almost pleading as I try to catch his eyes. He only shakes his head, disappointment plastered in his face. How do I still manage to disappoint him in this sort of situation? “Dad, come on, let’s not end the conversation just like that. I still want you—”

He turns to me as he held on to the door halfway open. “I plan to die before any of my kids because that’s how it should be. You’re just hurting me even more by trying to push yourself to your limit just because I live such an unfortunate life.”

I sigh. “But Dad—”

He raises a hand, not letting me reply. “Look at yourself, you’re getting slimmer and slimmer each day. You barely have time to take care of yourself, son. And you want to donate your kidney to me? I just can’t take this anymore, okay? Just stop this.” Without waiting for me to respond anymore, he shuts the door close and walks away with Jaehyun with the grocery bags.

Once I’m all