49 | ENLIGHTEN-MINT

Soobin

The quick trip from the restaurant to my car was scary and challenging. I caught myself wanting to turn around three times before I reached the door.

I wanted to give in so badly. I was gonna give in. I was less than a feather away from jumping on him for a tight hug and saying words that prove just how desperate I am to have him back in my life.

“We don’t have to get back together if you don’t want to but I just want you to know that I love you and it’s not your fault.”

“I know that I can’t just easily regain your trust, right?”

His voice is soft and echoey in my head as I replay his words. I don’t know what I would have done if he didn’t give me hints that I had to be tough on him. Seeing him right there in front of me, hearing those words from him, feeling his skin on mine after so long (three days is a long time for me) and meeting his gaze for more than five seconds were things I knew I longed for but never thought were this strong.

My gaze fell back to my wrist as I death-grip the steering wheel. He now knows that I am still holding onto his button. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t take it off, I just can’t take it off.

I thought of it long and hard, I’ve had countless arguments with myself in my head … but nothing seems to work.

I want to keep wearing this. Even if he finds someone better, even if he gets married to someone else. Until I’m old and dying on my death bed, still single and alone, I want to hold onto this.

This is the closest I could get to his heart now and for the rest of my life. His second button. Isn’t that the point of this school tradition?

I brush my fingertip along the worn-out yarn, stopping at the knot. I’d give this a few more weeks and it would probably break. I haven’t taken this off since he put it on me. I’ve been working, washing the dishes, and showering with this.

I’m surprised it lasted this long.

But I know it will eventually break soon.

By the time that it does … would I finally be ready to have him back in my life? Would I be able to come back better and stronger for him? This time, it’s all up to me on how this is gonna go.

And while I work on the things I need to work on, I must keep my distance, I must keep him far from anything that involves my heart and emotions.

In a perfect world, that would be very easy especially now that I will have two weeks off. But I am obviously not in that kind of world and the proof is this Byun Baekhyun walking out of the restaurant and towards my car.

How long have I been sitting here? I should have driven away as soon as I had the chance.

I feel my body jerk with alarm as I frantically start the car. But before I could speed away, he reaches me and leans his forearm against the window. He still has this soft and apologetic smile on his face as he knocks quietly. I blink tightly, my brain still in denial of his sudden presence.

Despite the disagreement in my head, I find myself pushing the button to push my window down, practically removing the safe gap between us. As his face becomes clearer in my vision, he leans even more but stops just before I could feel the urge to touch lips with him.

“Ho—how can I help you?” A stupid question escapes my mouth.

He lowers his head and I almost feel his hair touch me so I back away. Even the feeling of his soft, thick hair might trigger me in a lot of ways so I better maintain the distance as much as I possibly can. “I heard you were taking two weeks off.” His voice is quiet, and if he wasn’t this close, I probably wouldn’t have heard what he just said.

I look away, darting my eyes down the logo on my steering wheel. “Yes.” I manage to answer. I am careful when turning my head back towards him and I catch him eyeing my wrist again, so I hide it quickly.

“Anyway,” I clear my throat as I grip on my gear again. “I’m going ahead. I still need to—”

Before I could even shift to drive, his whole arm suddenly goes into my car, across my body and the next thing I know, he was holding my wrist out of the window. I watch in disbelief as he breaks the yarn off me without any warning whatsoever. I open my mouth to speak but I am too dumbfounded to say anything.

“Ba—baekhyun, what did you jus—”

He takes something out of his pocket, and I register it as a … butcher's twine? I’m sure about it because it’s part of the inventory list, we order tons of it. They use it in the kitchen to truss chicken for roasting. “I’d love to replace this with actual jewelry as I promised before but for now … let’s replace what’s holding it together with a new and stronger one. Kyungsoo said this won’t break easily.” He tells me softly as he struggles to put the thick piece of string into the small hole of his button.

He manages to put it in and with no further ado, wraps it around my wrist again and ties it in a double knot.

When it’s all done, he looks at me. “It still looks pretty on you.” He finally smiles wider as he slowly releases my wrist, even brushing his fingertips against mine which sent shivers through my spine, my heart in a state of panic. “Okay, off you go, Binnie. See you in two weeks, enjoy your vacation.” He leans away from the car, even tapping my roof.

It’s like he’s casting a spell on me by doing what he did and saying what he just said. Does he have any idea what effect he has on me?

When he turns away to leave, I know I should shift the gear and drive off. I know I should erase everything that just happened and move on with my plan. But of course, that’s not what I do. “Baekhyun.” Hearing his name clearly in my voice, I make myself shiver. “I’m n—not really going away anywhere, it’s no—not that ki—kind of vacation. I’m still gonna be at home, I just ha—have to do some stuff. But I won’t be anywhere f—far.”

Why am I telling him this?

What am I doing right now?

What the heck, Choi Soobin?

“Okay.” Baekhyun briefly answers as he looks over his shoulder. I look away and close my eyes, feeling the shame and discomfort I am giving myself. What am I expecting him to do? Or to say? Do I want him to … still see me in those days that I am away?

No. That is not the plan.

But what if? What if … he wants to?

By the sound of his reply, however, I feel like he’s completely giving me all the space and time away which was the plan. I just told myself that I will keep my distance from him. I am so conflicted that it’s making me hungry.

I stiffly turn to him, slightly peeking my head out of the window. “I me—I mean, I’m still not going to be available, not at all. I’m gonna be at home for most days but it doe—doesn’t mean I’m expecting any visitors. I have stuff to figure out and places to check and whenever I’d be home, I’m still … not available for any visitors.” I try my best to keep my voice as tough as possible but who knows if I’m completely butchering this tough façade right now.

I catch one corner of his mouth quirking up into a smirk that he tries to cover with the back of his hand as he looks away, even sliding his other hand into his pocket. Even if his face is covered with bruise and two band-aids, he still looks darn handsome when he reacts like that. “Okay.” He says the same thing.

Good god—why is he frustrating me right now? “Okay.” I muffled under my breath. He nods casually at me and waves a hand.

“Okay.” He repeats that word and I physically feel the knot on the back of my neck when the frustration thickens. I push my head back into the car before burying my face right on the steering wheel, resulting in an accidental honk that jerks me back up.

I watch him from my side-view mirror and he’s still smiling at me. He slightly lowers his head but maintains the eye contact, his eyebrow twitching up in a cool manner as if he’s caught me doing something bad.

I brace myself when he marches back to my side. “I understand that you took two weeks off, of course, you don’t want anyone to bother you in those days. Especially not me, not until I earn your trust. I need to work hard for it again.” He leans in again, his head practically in my car. “I can’t get you back that easily and expect that I can just kiss you right now … or hug you … or touch you anywhere that I like.” His eyes travel down to my lips before moving back up to meet my gaze.

Baekhyun blushes but there’s a touch of playfulness on his face. “Or can I?” he suddenly adds at the end, a grin warming his face.

I feel my eyes widen so much that they start hurting. But before I could protest, or freak out, or most possibly faint … I feel his grip on the back of my neck as he pulls me closer to him.

And then … I feel his warm lips on my forehead.

My eyelids drop on their own as I savour this unexpected moment, this sudden warmth embracing my entire body. It’s just a kiss on the forehead. It’s just a kiss on the forehead. It’s … a kiss on the forehead.

The purest kind of kiss, in my opinion.

He lingers on me for a long moment, neither of us moving nor making any sound. When his hand on my neck loosens, I brace myself to feel the longing sensation of his lips when he pulls away but instead, he tilts my head lower to plant one more gentle kiss on my hair before completely letting go.

Baekhyun takes a step back and says, “Get home safe, okay?”

A familiar sense of comfort and relief floods me as I share warm eye contact with him. If I’m being honest, he doesn’t even really need to earn anything back. He never lost anything to start with.

It’s been the same all along. My feelings have never changed, not one bit. Love, faith, longing—you name it. They’re still there. If anything, they only grew even more after we’d broken up.

He’s someone that I never thought existed in real life, let alone exist for me. A soulmate. I normally find that term silly and cringe-worthy but when used on him … it just fits. It sounds right. It feels right.

We just have some things we must work on within ourselves in the meantime. And as difficult as it sounds … we do need this time away from each other. To grow and to be better. For ourselves and each other.

It took me such a long time, but I finally understand how important change is. It’s not my favourite thing in the world, it scares me, it frustrates me, a lot … but this sort of change that I am currently aiming for would hopefully help me figure out how to manage this fear, this frustration that I’ve been allowing to take over me for the longest time.

I’m not changing myself. I am changing how I see myself.

“Wait for me.” I hear myself telling him.

His smile grows as he nods. “Wait for me too.”

A loud buzz rings in my ears when I hear those words again—Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I didn’t expect to hear it in the second session. I thought there was going to be more, I thought it was going to take her more to give her final opinions and thoughts.

Was it so strong that it only took us one full session of me telling her about my childhood, my relationships with my family and my daily life, for her to conclude that I may as well have it?

“Have you heard of Asperger’s Syndrome before? It’s a specific condition that I think would resonate with you, but we do not use that term nowadays as its symptoms are now included in the condition called Autism Spectrum Disorder along with this wide range of autism-like disorders.” Miss Yubin, my therapist, explains thoroughly.

“Yo—you really do think I have … that?” I manage to ask.

She gives me a motherly smile before picking up a book on the end table on her left. She passes it to me from across the coffee table where I sat on this very comfortable velvety-smooth red armchair that makes me feel like I’m on the set of Blue’s Clues.

“Why don’t you read this when you’re alone? It’s a beautifully illustrated graphic non-fiction novel that will help you a lot to understand yourself in a way that’s not going to put more pressure on you. It’s also fun to read, trust me.” She says.

I look down at the book. “Cam—camouflage.” I read the English title slowly. Below the title, it says, The Hidden Lives of Autistic Women. The author’s name is Dr. Sarah Bargiela.

“If you have problems with English, we can go throu