45 | FROZEN MARGARITA

Soobin

It’s 7:30 PM and I’m home.

My vision slowly adjusts to the darkness of my home as I shrink against the closed door. My whole day went by in a slow crawl, and it has been the same for the past two days since it ended. It’s like waking up from a nauseating reverie, having to remind myself every day that I don’t have him anymore.

I don’t wake up with a Good Morning message waiting for me to read. I don’t see the door of my office swinging open as a grinning Byun Baekhyun says hello to me. I don’t get to feel his hands anymore—his hands that know exactly how to touch me the right way.

My place had always looked the same but now … it feels emptier, knowing that he won’t be coming here any longer.

I could go back to my old routine, and it should be the one thing that stimulates me even just a little, but it doesn’t. Somehow, in such a short time, Byun Baekhyun managed to make me forget how to live my every day without him by my side. And I don’t want to remember any of it anymore. Two days have gone by but I’m still as distraught as I was that first night. Is there a way, a pill or any kind of remedy, to recover from this kind of ache that I have right now? Even if it’s temporary, even if I must retake it to keep its effectiveness repeatedly … I’d do it.

If I don’t recover from this, I’ll just burden him even more.

I clutch my chest tightly as pain surges and the memories I have of him in this place storm my head, leaving me in a dark haze.

The part that I hate the most is that I understand him. I understand his reasons for giving up on the relationship. I wish I could have done something to make it better for him, I wish he allowed me, I wish … I was stronger than him because that’s what he needs right now. Then maybe, I’d deserve to stay by his side.

Instead, I was an additional burden. He could only carry so much in his hands and unfortunately … I came too late. I held onto him when he already had too much to hold. It was me who’s the easiest to let go of. I was just right there, barely holding onto his fingertips—selfishly weighing him down.

The me before him would go for a quick run right now. The me before him would cook dinner and wash the dishes in a span of an hour and ten minutes. The me before him would finish a couple of pages of crossword.

The me before him … would never walk straight to the bedroom and slump herself on the bed still in her dirty work outfit.

But she’s here, burying her face on the mattress to muffle out her cries so that she wouldn’t hear how pathetic she sounds. She has cried so much that her face has gone numb from the feeling of hot tears on her skin. If her parents see her right now, she’d be in big trouble because “crying is for the weak.” they say.

Maybe she is weak. She’s always been weak. But he never cared about that. He loved her for who she is, no matter how weak she could be. But ultimately, it became the reason she’d lost him.

Choi Soobin drained Byun Baekhyun of his love.

This is the third night that I’d be moping myself to sleep. I have been skipping everything else and going straight to bed. It’s tragic and extremely gross, I know, but it’s giving me an extra two hours of sleep every night. However, I never felt well-rested and rejuvenated the next day. No matter how much I sleep it away, the pain just feels exactly the same when I wake up.

And every day at work, I strain myself even more by acting like everything is fine. But I must do it. I need to do it this way or I won’t be able to handle one more day seeing his face and reminding myself of how much I’ve failed to protect him.

Three Nights Ago …

I am welcomed by an awkward silence when I got back at my parent’s house from the Byun’s. Dinner has been long gone and the table is clear. I only see my dad, Hanbin and Hara seated in the living room.

“Whe—where’s mom?” I ask but I begin marching to the stairs, assuming that she’s somewhere there.

My dad releases a subtle grunt making me stop. “She’s putting Jisoon to sleep in our bedroom. Stay here, Soobin.” He orders with a firm tone. I slowly turn around and settle myself down on the first step of the stairs. I glare in my brother’s direction, and I notice that his left cheek is all red. Hara on the other hand has her head turned to one side where I can’t see her expression at all.

Maybe this is my chance to speak up about the matter. I just can’t let this slide anymore. Nervousness builds up in my chest and tears quickly flood my vision. “Dad, about what happened. I have a few things to say—”

“Nobody is crying. Wipe that off your face or you will be slapped too like your brother.” My dad cuts me off.

I look at my brother again who stares in space while frowning hard. Oh, right ... he was crying earlier when he told us about Hara and Baekhyun. Although, my instincts told me that they were fake tears. But I guess my dad still wasn’t happy to see that. My dad really hates crying. He’s really not the violent type at all so I guess tonight must have really affected him in some ways.

Hanbin groans. “Dad, at least I had a reason to cry. My wife is cheating on me and —”

Dad raises his hand up, shutting my brother up. “Enough. That’s all in the past. Everything is resolved. No divorce is happening and that’s final. We will forget this night ever happened.” He shifts his strong gaze to Hara. “Is that clear?” He asks.

When Hara slightly turns, I finally see her very red and tear-stained face as she nods. “Ye—yes, Dad.” She mumbles but I barely saw move.

“And you will not see that Byun Baekhyun ever again. I will talk to his father myself and let him know how his—”

“Dad, stop. You don’t have to do that.” I stand up straight again as I frown at him. “Please, Mr. Byun is not doing very well right now. And besides, I want to tell you that none of it was true. Hanbin is lying. Dad, trust me, I can tell you because we are—”

My dad raises his hand again, his mouth pursed in a tight line. “Did you just call your brother a liar? It came from the himself that he has something going on with this irresponsible woman and you’re still siding on him?” His tone is loud and scary that it makes me collapse back to the step.

My father rarely gets mad but when he does, it’s scary and it’s hard to get him out of it for a while. He’s very old-fashioned and traditional. Everything that took place tonight during dinner was beyond his comfort level.

“I told you, Dad. Baekhyun toyed with her too. Look at her, she’s clearly obsessed with him. That’s what he does, he loves all the attention from girls. He’s always been a player since high school, he never changed.” Hanbin spits out while pointing at me.

I glare back at him. “Stop it! Baekhyun is not like that at all, you know that. What’s your problem with him, what did he ever do to you?” I can’t help but argue back and I start crying helplessly. Anger has never boiled inside me as much as it is right now.

My dad flicks his tongue in irritation as he slams the rolled-up newspaper he was holding onto the end table.

“I said enough, you two!” He yells while pointing a finger at me. “And you, don’t you talk to your brother like that. He’s still older than you. Since when did you have that kind of mouth? Would you trust a stranger more than your own family?”

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