Water.

It seems like I’m somewhere deep under the water. It also seems like my body is both floating and flying at the same time. But everything around me is so dark that I know for sure that I’m not floating in a dark and cloudless sky. It doesn’t feel like I’m underwater too but it’s somewhere close to that.

Where am I?

I’m breathing fine but it seems like the amount of air I breathed in is less than the amount of air I released. And yet I feel fine. My lungs are functioning really well but there’s a heavy weight in my chest that makes me want to catch my breath.

I can’t feel anything though. My surroundings tell me that I’m underwater but I don’t feel anything like water at all. I’m not wet. I don’t feel cold. I don’t feel wind brushing through my hair and passing by the hairs on my skin. I don’t feel a single speck of dust. I feel nothing. Like I’m in a void.

Maybe I am in a void. Maybe I’m not somewhere deep in the water.

What does that mean though? Why do I feel like I’m in a void?

Am I dead?

I can feel my lungs functioning. I am breathing perfectly despite the struggle to do so. I felt myself closing my eyes tightly and concentrating on my heartbeat. I want to touch my pulse or my chest for that beating heart but I also find out that I can’t seem to move a muscle. I just focused on finding my heartbeat.

I close my eyes tightly when I can’t detect my heart. I felt myself gulping hard as I focused on my heart’s beating. It started as a very faint sound. And then it gradually became louder. I felt myself slowly relaxed when I could now easily detect the pulse on my neck, wrists, and the loud thumping of my heart in my chest.

Then I heard a faint voice somewhere. I felt myself closing my eyes again as I concentrated on that voice. Maybe the owner of that voice can help me. Maybe they can tell me what’s happening.

“Yong…”

I felt my eyebrows furrowing when I recognized my name being called. The voice sounded like a whisper, at the same time, it’s also muffled. I’m back to the feeling of being underwater again. I willed my muscles to move and to get closer to that voice. But I don’t know if I’m moving though. I can’t feel my muscles and everything around me is a ripple of darkness with a hazy sight of light somewhere far from me.

“Yong…”

There it is again.

I felt my ears perking when the voice got a little bit louder this time. It’s from someone familiar but I can’t put a name on it. The name is right at the tip of my tongue but it won’t come out. I think I need to get closer to place a name on who owns that voice, so I moved even when it didn’t feel like I made much progress in moving.

“Yong”

It’s much louder now! Maybe I’m making progress at moving so I continued to do that. My heartbeat and my breathing stayed the same. My muscles felt frozen but I moved forward because someone is calling me and I know that someone. The voice is very familiar and I think I just need to hear that voice a couple of times to finally place a name on whoever that person is.

“Yong”

Wheein! It’s Wheein! All this time, it’s Wheein.

Wheein’s voice felt like it’s all around me but she’s not shouting. It’s just a soft whisper but I could hear her clearly because she’s all around me. She’s everywhere. I could even hear her voice echoing like ripples after something disturbed a calm water.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Why are you apologizing? 

It’s what I wanted to ask. I could even feel my mouth moving but no voice came out. I doubt she could hear me.

Out of nowhere, I heard a single drop of water that disturbed the calm water around me. Just like Wheein’s voice, it sounded like a soft whisper but it echoed all around me. I could also feel the ripples of water moving everywhere.

Then I started to panic when I heard a loud ringing. I could not understand where it came from or what it meant. The faint light I could see started getting brighter as well. I wanted to raise my hands and cover my ears but I still couldn’t move a muscle. I wanted to shut my eyes tightly to shield them from the brightness but I couldn’t do that either. The loudness started to become uncomfortable and irritating that I could feel myself thrashing and groaning. The brightness started to blind me and I wanted to scream on top of my lungs. I wanted to pull out my ears and eyes, desperate to get rid of the pain caused by the ringing and the light. I even wanted to go back to the underwater or void I was earlier.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

“Yong!” Wheein shouted and I wanted to shout her name as well, wanting to seek help and calmness from her.

Then everything suddenly went quiet and the faint light was back right after Wheein shouted my name.

“I love you” she suddenly whispered.

I heard that single drop of water again. The ripples formed from that drop echoed all around me. I braced myself for another deafening ringing and blinding bright light but surprisingly, none came. Instead, the ripples turned quiet and the hazy light shut off. There was literally nothing that I could see and hear. My body that felt like floating was suddenly falling. It was such a slow fall that I didn’t notice it at first before it got faster.

I wanted to scream and thrash my body again. I wanted to float and go back to my void. This was nothing better compared to the loud ringing and bright light earlier. My body started to spasm as I felt myself falling even faster.

No! Help!

It’s what I wanted to scream but it was already too late to do that. Everything went eerily still and quiet before I felt my soul leaving my body. I couldn’t hear, see, feel or say anything anymore.

Everything just went blank.

Pain.

There’s nothing that I could feel except for pain. Nothing but pain. I woke up to the feeling of my whole body being in pain. My arms and legs felt so heavy resting on the soft mattress I’m lying on. I opened my eyes to make sense of what’s going on. I saw the white walls of what I think is a hospital room. Then I shut my eyes right away when the room seemed too bright for my eyes. It’s not the kind of brightness that’s blinding. I just needed my eyes to adjust after being in a deep slumber.

Among the pain I was feeling all over my body, the pain in my head was the most prominent one. I shut my eyes tightly and groaned loudly as I lifted my hands to my head. I caught a glimpse of wires on my arms earlier and when I lifted my hands, I could clearly feel them now, confirming that I was really in a hospital.

“Yong”

I stopped groaning and froze when I heard Wheein calling for me. I gulped hard and slowly opened my eyes before I met her gaze. I repeatedly gulped hard to wet my mouth and my throat as I scanned my eyes all over her face.

Why does she look so thin?

“Wheein?” I whispered softly, slightly surprised when I could finally hear my voice now. “Where am I? Is this the hospital?” I groaned again and frowned at her as I whined, “My head hurts a lot”

“Yes, you are in the hospital”

“The one you worked at?”

“Yes. And your head hurting is normal. It will reduce over time so don’t worry too much”

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply a couple of times until I was able to bear with the pain all over my body, especially with the one in my head. I breathed deeply one last time before I looked at Wheein again. “What happened?” I asked her while she stayed standing beside my bed, so close but too far away for me to reach her.

“We—You got in an accident” she whispered.

“Huh…” I only remembered being in the void or the feeling of being underwater. I only remembered the deafening ringing and the blinding light. Maybe that was just my dream. “You helped me?” I asked as I pointed at my head that’s been hurting so badly since I woke up.

“No. Hyejin did”

I slowly moved my head in a small nod. I bit the inside of my cheek and reached for her. “Come here”

She walked closer to me and reached for my hand. I held her hand right away and closed my eyes, remembering the familiarity of her soft and warm hands. It’s slightly shaking though, which is so unlike her because I know her hands are always steady. That’s one of the reasons why Wheein’s an amazing neurosurgeon. She must’ve been so worried about me for her hands to shake like this. I intertwined our fingers and smiled at it when it felt like I somehow eased its shaking.

I looked at Wheein again, directing my smile to her while she continued staring at our intertwined hands. “You know I’ve always wanted to visit you in the hospital” I whispered.

It’s kind of unfair that she’s the only one who visited me at work. I’ve always wanted to treat her to lunch like when she brought me to that tteokbokki place. That’s why I planned on cooking for her when I have enough time to drive to the hospital. I never knew this would be our first time in the hospital together. And she’s even the one visiting me in my room.

Her eyes widened as she looked at me. “What do you mean?”

“After you visited me at the university, I’ve always wanted to do the same to you. I planned on bringing you lunch and surprise you for our third date”

“What was the last thing you remembered, Yong?”

My eyebrows furrowed from confusion while she looked like she’s anxious in front of me. I wasn’t so sure though. My body still felt heavy and my head was still aching for me to accurately read her expression.

“That you brought me to these tteokbokki stalls near the university for lunch” I said while her eyes widened.

Wasn’t it that? That was the last thing we did when we met though. My days after that were of work while I was looking forward to the date that I’ll get to treat her to lunch. Was I wrong? I don’t remember how I got into an accident though. That must’ve been wrong.

Did I forget something?

“That was six years ago, Yong,” she whispered softly.

What? Six years ago? Six! That’s too long… Was I asleep for six years? That seemed impossible. I know I was in a deep and long slumber but it doesn’t feel that long at all.

“You don’t remember the last five years at all? Any idea or recollection after I brought you to that tteokbokki place?”

“No…” I whispered, getting even more confused. “That didn’t happen a week ago?” I asked because I don’t know what to do except to ask her.

“No.” She shook her head as she breathed heavily. “No. That was six years ago”

“Six years?”

Six years?! I’m so lost. I’m too tired and my head hurt so much to recall what happened yesterday, last week, last month or even last year. I got nothing.

I held Wheein’s hand tighter when I felt her pulling her hand away from my hold. Having to get a firm hold on her was the only thing that kept me sane right at this moment. I felt like I wanted to vomit and that I started getting dizzy but knowing that Wheein’s here, I think I could handle whatever was going on with me.

“What about us?” I asked Wheein while still enduring my headache.

“What do you mean?”

“Us, Wheein.” I looked at her and searched her worried and panicked eyes. “Did we work out? Five years is a long time. Didn’t we get in a… I don’t know. Did things work out between the both of us? What happened to us?” I nervously asked Wheein.

Five years worth of memory is a lot. Me and Wheein were still dating at that time but things were going really smoothly. Despite how hectic our schedule is because of work, I know we found a way to still keep in touch. We both admitted that we missed each other on our second date. We even admitted that we were strongly attracted to one another on our very first date. Surely things worked out between us.

“No, Yong. We didn’t?”

“What? Why?” I asked in disbelief. How come we didn’t work out?

“Let me get Hyejin. She’s your doctor after all. Just try to relax there, okay?” she suddenly said, squeezing my hand before she released it and hurriedly walked out of the room.

“Wheein” I called out to her but she didn’t hear me as she exited the room. “Wai—Ah!” I groaned and flinched when my head suddenly throbbed in pain.

I closed my eyes and held my head as I concentrated on breathing to hopefully ease the pain.

Something’s not adding up. Why? Why didn’t we both work out? What happened in those five years? How long was I asleep? What happened to me? Why did I get into an accident? What accident was it that I lost a lot of my memories?

As much as I wanted to answer these questions, I had to stop finding answers because it’s hurting my head more and I would still come up empty, so I stayed still. I closed my eyes, held my head, and just groaned on my bed. However, the questions still lingered inside my head even though I tried so hard to push them away for now, worsening my headache.

What happene