I cut off my ties with Hyoyeon the night Yong and I broke up. It wasn’t Hyoyeon’s fault though. Everything was mine. Maybe partly she committed a mistake because she would always invite me out for a drink but I’m the one who’s engaged. Who was engaged. I’m the one who accepted her invitations. I’m the one who kept ignoring Yong’s texts because I was mad and frustrated. Everything was my fault and I could not come up with any reasons to explain myself.

I was stupid.

I was stupid to direct my anger and frustrations at Yong because I blame her about our situation. I was stupid to drown myself in self-pity because I couldn’t have my fiancée with me while others were having fun enjoying their partner’s company. I blame Yong and yet I never expressed this to her. Instead, I relied on the alcohol’s company as if it could do me good.

It just made me worse.

Now, Yong left me. I feared that one day she’d left me because Hyoyeon suddenly left me hanging and broke up with me. Maybe that’s why she wants me to break up with her. Maybe that’s why she wanted me to initiate it. Because it’s true though. I was the one who broke her trust and never confided everything to her.

I feel even more awful realizing that.

My friends are also mad at me. Byulyi said that Hyejin was out with Yong to drive her. She didn’t tell me where they went. She also stopped me from coming after them because the moment I heard the garage door close, I instantly regretted breaking up with Yong. I wanted to chase her. I wanted to fix our relationship but Byulyi told me I didn’t deserve Yong after what I did to her. Hyejin wouldn’t want to talk to me and has probably disowned me. That’s how mad she is. Byulyi kept on scolding me.

I told my parents that Yong and I broke up as well. It was inevitable because they would always call to check on me and Yong. They’re mad at me. They were so ashamed of me for what I did to Yong. They kept scolding me and I deserved it so I never bothered to reason myself out.

Ggomo hates me too. He kept looking for Yong. He missed Yong. I missed Yong too. I missed her so much. Every night I’d stare at the ring I gave her when I promised that I’d love her for the rest of my life, that I wanted her in my life and no one else, and when she agreed to marry me. I was still wearing the ring she gave me. I wanted to fix us but I don’t know how. After what I did, I don’t know if we could still be fixed.

I moved into an apartment not far from Yong’s house. I didn’t have any furniture here. I sleep on the floor with my mattress while Ggomo sleeps in his cat bed. My things were still in boxes and my clothes were still in suitcases. I jumped dump all of them in one corner. I have no energy to settle down here. I don’t want to settle down here.

I told the company that I would step down as financial manager but they refused, so I made a bargain. I told them that I would still be the company’s financial manager but I won’t be accepting outside clients for consultations anymore. They accepted. I filed a leave because I couldn’t work with my state. They declined because of the amount of work I still have to finish.

So I go to work. I made myself busy with work because not having to think and move would bring me back to the thought that Yong’s gone. Not having to do anything would just make me cry because it hurts. It hurts not to have Yong around. This happened all the time when she’s at work but the fact that we broke up completely changed everything.

I was already running late to work because I slept late last night. I slept late last night because I worked overtime. I worked overtime because I didn’t know anything else to do. The urge to drink was very tempting but after my stupid mistake, I vowed not to drink anymore. It wouldn’t change anything at this point but it’s doing something with my guilt.

I slowed down when I was on Yong’s street, my eyes torn between the road and on the side of the street. I’ve done this everyday when I go to work. I’d sometimes pull over and just stare at her house. One time I parked my car to just stare at her house, the garage door suddenly opened. I got startled and hurriedly moved the car. I wanted to see her but I know she’s mad at me so I’m scared of showing myself to her.

I accidentally stepped on the break really hard causing the car to come to a full halt when I saw Yong standing on the side of the road. She’s in her flight attendant uniform with her suitcase beside her. Her phone was on her ear while her body swayed side to side, seemingly looking for a ride. She looked distressed as well.

I wasn’t that far from her anymore but having my car stopped in the middle of the road caught her attention. She stared at my car, her lips moving to talk on whoever was on the call while her face looked so impassive. She didn’t look mad, surprised, or even shocked when she saw my car. She just looked at me with no emotion at all.

“…” I whispered under my breath when a car honked behind me and hurriedly moved the car.

My eyes were on Yong now as I slowly moved my car forward. I stayed on the side to let the cars behind me pass. Yong’s phone was still on her ear when she hailed a taxi. I could see the frustration on her face when the taxi didn’t stop for her.

Is she late? Maybe she needed a ride…

I pulled over and stopped in front of her but I didn’t get out. I didn’t even know why I pulled over. Should I offer to drive her? She’ll just decline. There are also taxis around who could take her to the airport. So why am I still here?

I closed my eyes and groaned so loud as I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel. We wouldn’t be like this if I wasn’t just being stupid. I propped my chin on the wheel and watched Yong attempt to call for another taxi but was declined once again.

Should I just offer to drive her? I just wouldn’t force her if she’d say no.

“Ugh… So be it” I whispered under my breath before I removed my seatbelt and finally moved out of the car.

My heart was beating so fast while my hands started feeling so sweaty when I nervously walked around my car to go to Yong. This would be the first time we’d be seeing each other after we broke up. I’m very awkward and afraid to be around her but I couldn’t just ignore that she needed a ride.

I hid my left hand behind my back when I was already standing in front of her because I was still wearing her ring. I don’t know why I did that but I just did. My eyes were trained on the ground and would sometimes roam to her shoes and mine. I gulped hard several times and ran my tongue on my lips, wetting them.

“I—Ah—Uhmm—” I stuttered, my words stuck on my throat while my heart throbbed faster in my chest. “Are you—Should I—” I cleared my throat while scratching the back of my head, getting more flustered.

Is she even listening to me?

I took a quick peek and immediately regretted it because her eyes were right on mine. She looked serious and Yong who looked so serious is always scary. I was already scared a while ago. I’m even more scared now that I know she was looking directly at me.

I blew out a huge breath while clenching and unclenching my fists to relieve myself from nervousness. It didn’t work but it’s better than not doing anything. “Are you going to work? I can… Uhmm… I can drive you to the airport” I managed to say. “If you want” I hurriedly added while still keeping my head down.

“Yes. I’m still here. I’m sorry about that” she said, which made me confused.

I peeked at her again and immediately averted my gaze down when she was still directly looking at me. She had her phone on her ear so I now realized that she was talking to whoever was on the call and not me.

Should I just go? Maybe I should really go. She might not want me here.

I slowly turned around but faced Yong again, thinking that I should say goodbye first. Do I have to? I don’t know what to do anymore.

“It’s okay, Sujeong. I’m sorry for troubling you. I found a ride already”

My eyes widened at that. I glanced at the road around us and saw no taxis coming towards our direction or parked near us. I glanced at Yong again and saw her eyeing me intently, making me gulp really hard.

“I’ll be fine. I won’t skip my meals. I won’t make you worry like last time”

Like last time…

I immediately averted my gaze when she said that. I stayed awkwardly standing in front of her, contemplating whether she meant me or someone else. But no one’s around… Maybe she really meant me. Now, I’m contemplating whether I should grab her suitcase or wait until her call ended. Would that be awkward?

I closed my eyes and silently groaned from frustration. What am I supposed to do?

“I am running late already. I have to go now”

Hearing that, my body moved on its own and reached to grab her suitcase. She didn’t complain and let me so I hurriedly walked to the trunk to place her suitcase there. I walked to the passenger seat and opened the door for her.

“I’ll call and text you as much as I can, Sujeong. Please send pictures of Aera. I missed that baby so much”

I shut my eyes tightly and groaned from frustration once again. Baby Aera. How could I have forgotten about baby Aera? I promised to be the best aunt but I kept declining and rejecting Sujeong because I wanted to drown on self-pity. I shouldn’t have done that. Yong and I might still be together if I just let them visit me or if I accepted their invitations.

“I’ll go now. Goodbye and say goodbye to Aera for me… Yeah… I know. Bye… I love you too” she said before she ended the call. Instead of going inside the passenger seat, she walked to the backseat and opened the door before she went inside without saying anything to me.

I frowned at that but didn’t say anything. I just sighed heavily and closed the door before I rushed to the driver seat. Yong was sitting directly behind me, which made it hard for me to look at her through the rearview mirror. Her face was also directed towards the window. She didn’t say anything to me when I got in as well.

I drove Yong to the airport, dodging every car and cursing under my breath when we got stuck under a red light. She said she was already running late. I don’t know what time she’s needed at work so I just drove like in a mad rush.

The silence that engulfed us while waiting for the traffic light to change was suffocating. I kept glancing at her through the rearview mirror but she was deliberately hiding herself from me. I could only sigh heavily and count in my head while wishing for the light to turn green.

The silence was really uncomfortable and suffocating so I braved myself to say something to her. I ran my tongue on my lips a couple of times before I gulped hard when my mouth felt so dry. I cleared my throat before I whispered, “Uhmm… What time are you needed at the airport?”

“Shouldn’t you be in your office at this time?” she asked instead of answering my question. Her voice sounded so cold and distant and I don’t blame her for being so wary and apprehensive around me. I don’t blame her if she’s mad at me. I deserved that.

“Yeah…”

“You shouldn’t have offered. You could just drop me here. I’m sorry to bother you”

“No!” I shouted in panic as I shook my head forcefully because she was already removing her seatbelt. I cleared my throat before I whispered, “I’m sorry. Let me just drive you, Yong.” I turned around to look at her before I stared at her unlocked seatbelt. “Let me just drive you. You’re not bothering me at all”

“And what about your work?”

“Don’t mind it. Please put your seatbelt on” I whined, pouting at her still unfastened seatbelt. “Please…”

She locked her seatbelt again, which made me sigh in relief. “Light’s green already”

I glanced at her and saw her leaning her elbow on the door while leaning her chin on her hand. I flinched when the car behind us honked and hurriedly faced front before moving the car. “Thank you” I whispered softly, not sure if she heard me but at least she allowed me to drive her.

When we reached the airport, I parked the car near the employees' entrance. I climbed out of the car and headed to the trunk to get her suitcase while Yong got out as well. I was busy at the back of the car to get Yong’s suitcase when I heard a familiar voice calling Yong.

“Yongsun!”

I peeked behind the trunk and saw Henry smiling so big and waving at Yong. I hauled Yong’s suitcase out of the trunk and placed it on the ground before I closed the trunk. I pulled its handle out and rolled it on my side as I walked to the side of my car.

“Henry! Hi!” Yong excitedly greeted back as she moved to hug Henry.

“This might be the first time that we’re back working at the same time” Henry said as they broke the hug while I just lurked behind Yong, standing a few feet away from them.

“Maybe we’re on the same plane. I’m scheduled for the Copenhagen and Dubai flights this time”

Henry frowned at her while his shoulders dropped exaggeratedly, making Yong giggle as she smacked his arm. “I’m in Asia Pacific this time so we’re still not on the same flight”

Yong clicked her tongue before she said, “Would’ve been fun to have someone around. Someone you could talk with to at least pass the time and make the experience less exhausting. Work could get really tiring all the time and sometimes you don’t have time for yourself anymore”

Why do her words seem to be an indirect hit to me? And it’s working. I felt even worse than before after what I did to her. I started blinking my eyes rapidly to stop myself from crying. I could’ve done better but I chose to be stupid. Now, I’m regretting it so much and Yong made sure that I regretted it even more.

She’s really mad at me and there’s no way I could turn this back around. There’s no way I could fix us. The only thing that would happen is if Yong allowed me to. I don’t think that would happen anytime soon.

“Yeah. That’s true… I should go ahead, Yongsun. I had to run or else our captain would leave me here” Henry said lightheartedly as he chuckled softly. He started walking hurriedly as he waved at Yongsun and luckily didn’t notice me still hiding behind Yong. “I’ll see you soon! Let’s hangout once you’re back”

“Of course!”

I sighed heavily and slowly moved towards Yong. I rolled her suitcase close to her and whispered, “Yong… Your suitcase.” I watched her hand reach for the handle before she pulled it to her side. I didn’t bother looking at her anymore and just fiddled with the buttons of my shirt.

“Thank you” she said while I chanced a glance and saw her still staring at me intently.

“No problem. Have a safe flight. Take care. Eat properly…” I said, my voice fading into a whisper while my face was slowly turning into a tomato because of my blush of embarrassment. I just randomly rambled to her while my feet itched to move forward and my arms to wrap around her.

“Thank you” she said again, her eyes unwavering as she continued to stare at me.

“Can I—Uhmm… Can I hug you, Yong?”

“I think you should go, Wheein” she said while I flinched and averted her gaze right away when her angry voice was very evident. “You still have work. I don’t like holding you for too long. Your client might need to see you”

Why did I even think she’d agree? It was so stupid of me to ask that.

“I don’t have clients anymore. I’m not receiving outside clients for consultation. I’m not doing that…” I mumbled as I shook my head vigorously.  “I don’t see them anymore for consultations”

“That’s great then. You could now see each other without having to call her your client. Does that mean you’re official already? Congratulations then” she said sarcastically while I continued to shake my head with my eyes tightly closed to stop myself from crying.

“No… We’re not. There was nothing between me and her. There never was in the fi—”

“I’m going now” she said, cutting me and making me flinch once again. “Thanks for the ride.” Then she turned around and rolled her suitcase beside her as she headed straight to the entrance gate without sparing a glance at me.

I watched her walk away while I repeatedly wiped my tears. I watched her back and wished that at least once she would look back. She used to look back. When we first met, we promised to walk straight without turning around to look at each other. She broke that and looked back first. She did it again on the second time we met. But she doesn't do it now. She fulfilled that now while all I ever wanted was to see her at least look at me no matter how petty I looked right now.

I climbed inside my car when she disappeared inside the terminal. And then I cried and wailed out in pain. I had her all to myself but I got too selfish and stupid. Now, I completely lost her and there’s nothing I know I could do.

It took me several attempts and incessant persuasion to convince my friends to at least sit down so I could talk to them and explain to them what happened. Byulyi agreed first because Irene talked her into agreeing with me. Hyejin was very hard to convince that I was tempted to go to her house and beg her to talk to me. Luckily, she replied to one of my texts and said that she’d give me a chance to explain.

Originally, they wanted to meet at my apartment. But because of how empty my place is and I couldn’t offer them anything to eat, Byulyi volunteered to have it at her and Irene’s place. Also, I don’t want them to come to my place and unintentionally make them pity me into forgiving me based on my apartment’s situation.

I filled Ggomo’s food and water bowls first before I left to drive to Byulyi’s place. He still hates me. He never let me touch him anymore and he kept looking for Yong. I could only sigh because I couldn’t blame him for hating me. I hate myself as well for what I did to Yong.

Byulyi was the one who moved into Irene’s house a month after they got together. Their house reminded me of Yong’s house so much. There’s a garage at the side, which was smaller than Yong’s and could only hold a single car inside. An open space for the living room and kitchen. Two bedrooms with a respective bathroom for each bedroom.

I parked my car in front of their garage so I wouldn’t block the road. I pulled out my keys and pocketed them before I unfastened my seatbelt. I lifted the huge basket of fruits and the bottle of wine I bought on my way here. I usually bring beers with me but since I vowed not to drink anymore, I just brought wine with me. Byulyi also told me that Irene loves drinking wine. If Yong was with me, they’d be having fun talking over wine while we drink beer.

That would’ve been fun.

I breathed deeply a couple of times because it hurts just thinking about Yong. I gulped hard while blinking a couple times to push down my tears. Then I opened my door and headed to the front door. I rang the doorbell before I took a step back to wait. I bent my head low and stared at my foot, fidgeting because of how nervous I am right now.

“Coming!” Irene shouted from the other side of the door before the door was pulled open. “Wheein, hi. Come in”

I glanced and saw Irene welcoming me with a warm smile before it turned into a worried frown as she scanned her eyes all over me. I bowed to her and handed her the basket and wine. “I brought this… I hope this is fine” I nervously mumbled and saw her giving me a smile again.

“Thank you. This is more than fine already.” She grabbed the basket and wine from me before she took a step back and let me in first. “Come in. Are you hungry already?”

“No. I’m still good. Thank you”

I bowed at her again before I kicked off my shoes and wore some indoor slippers. I took a step inside and caught a whiff of a delicious aroma covering the entire house. I looked around and saw Byulyi in the kitchen with her back to us. I stayed standing because I don’t know what to do. I normally do but not anymore.

Irene chuckled as she walked around me and led the way. “You can sit on the couch, Wheein. Hyejin and Chungha are on their way already and we’re almost done cooking”

“Okay…” I nervously mumbled and timidly walked to the couch. I awkwardly sat down on the couch while Irene headed to the kitchen with the basket and wine.

“You brought us Penfolds’ Chardonnay” Irene said amusingly.

“Yeah… Is that okay? Byulyi mentioned that you like wine but I don’t know what to buy. I just bought Yong’s… favorite wine…” I mumbled and bent my head low when Irene raised her eyebrows at me when I mentioned Yong’s name. “I don’t know what else to buy. I’m sorry… I’ll bring something different next time”

“This is okay, Wheein. I love this one too”

“Okay… Thank you”

I sighed and just sat on the couch while I listened to them finish preparing lunch. I wanted to start a conversation but I found myself tongue-tied in the situation. I’m too nervous to be around my friends, knowing how frustrated and disappointed they are with me. I don’t even know if doing this today would change anything. But they’re still my friends, right? They know me before Yong, right? I’m not asking for them to be on my side because I know I’m wrong. I just missed them. Things were becoming unbearable living by myself and drowning myself with work. I needed my friends but I’m not so sure if they would help me.

I sat up straight when I saw Byulyi coming towards me holding beer cans in her hands. I moved to the side while she sat beside me. She handed me one of the cans but I shook my head, declining the beer.

“You don’t want to?” she asked in disbelief.

“I don’t…” I whispered as I shook my head again. “I don’t drink anymore. Not anymore”

“Huh…” Byul placed the can in front of me on the table and proceeded to open the other can in her hand. She took a few gulps before she sighed heavily in satisfaction. “Why stop?”

“I know it’s already too late but… I hate how it made me even more stupid” I mumbled and saw Byulyi nodding in my peripheral. “I hate how it makes me feel so calm and relaxed and forget. I don’t like it anymore”

“Don’t you miss drinking?”

“Never” I answered without any hesitation.

“Huh…” Byulyi whispered again before she took another gulp from his drink.

We were pretty much quiet after that. Byulyi and I were just watching the TV show in front of us while she was drinking her beer. I was very aware of her presence beside me and it made me very awkward and nervous, which was so unlike me before. I tried initiating a conversation but I didn’t know how to be casual around her anymore. I’d be much worse once Hyejin arrived here later. Byulyi also stayed quiet and didn’t have plans on talking with me anymore.

“What is she doing here? I thought we’re just eating with Byulyi and Irene” Hyejin’s muffled frustrated voice from the outside gathered our attention.

“You don’t need to talk. All you have to do is eat, which is something you love, and listen—”

“Which is something I’m not willing to do for her” Hyejin said, interrupting Chungha. “Why did you trick me into this?” Hyejin frustratingly asked Chungha.

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily as I bent my head low when I heard that. I knew it seemed impossible for Hyejin to accept my invitation right away. I never knew Chungha would go out of her way to trick Hyejin into talking with me. And now the two of them are fighting because of me. I never wanted that to happen. I don’t want to force them too.

“I should just probably go,” I mumbled before I stood up just as the front door opened.

Hyejin stumbled inside and saw me standing by the living room. Chungha followed right after and closed the front door before she gently pushed Hyejin. Hyejin stood on her ground as she glared at me while I quickly avoided her gaze.

“You have to stop rambling and talk to each other. You’ve dragged this longer than necessary” Chungha grumbled at Hyejin.

“I told you already. I don’t want to see her face. I’m still mad at her”

“Of course you are” Chungha whispered exasperatedly before she leaned forward and kissed Hyejin’s cheek. “Come on. Stop being a big ba