Genre(s): Fantasy, fluff, and romance

Status: One-shot

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization

Note: I had to stop multiple times while reading the story because of my busy schedule so there might be some stuff that I didn’t notice or skimmed over [because at times, I forget where I stopped TT-TT]. If there are things that I missed, please let me know in the comments!



Title {5/5}
The title is definitely catchy. It has that fantasy vibe, and it rolls off the tongue easily. The relevance is obvious since the title emphasizes the stone that created the huge struggle and conflict for Baekhyun. Good job!

Description and Foreword {7/10}
Although the description is complete in elements, I could see that it is kind of misleading since it emphasizes first Baekhyun being a prince in a old monarchical kingdom setting [more on this in Characterization]. However, the story does not revolve around this setting or Baekhyun’s life being a prince. The rest of the description does not tell readers that the story is now about Baekhyun’s life as an isolated person in the modern setting.

[To be honest, I actually thought that the story would be set in a sort of old age monarchical kingdom, and Baekhyun’s this lost of prince who is immortal or has lived for only a hundred years.]

This misleading description can make your readers confused on what the story is really about. Perhaps you can edit it to place emphasis first on the important bits like the Sea of Flames, the modern setting, and the conflict before delving into the other bits like Baekhyun’s background as a prince, or you can place the background first but emphasize in your description that the story takes place thousands of years after and the story is not as much centered on Baekhyun being a prince.

Plot {28/30}
Your plot is pretty unique and interesting. The focus on internal struggle regarding greed and living a full life is refreshing to read. The progression of Baekhyun’s realization on a better and brighter future for him is well-written and easy to digest. The lesson in the story is also great to take in, and your story also pushes your readers to think about dependency. Baekhyun’s dependance on the Sea of Flames was toxic, and it sort of shows a toxic relationship. Baekhyun clings to the stone, but it has made him go into isolation, give up the things that he likes, and become afraid of becoming close to people. The realization that there is something more to life and the struggle to let go of what he’s used to is developed well, and there was an emphasis on the jourey that it took to come to this conclusion that he doesn't need the stone to really live.

There are only minor issues or questions that weren’t answered in the story [or I didn’t notice the answers]. The first one is the big reason why Baekhyun wanted immortality in the first place. Whenever you ask someone if they want immortality, their answer would come with a reason why. Maybe they want to be immortal to be able to help people for as long as they could. Maybe they want to be immortal to gain fame or maybe to eliminate the families that have hurt their family. Why did Baekhyun want immortality in the first place? What could he have achieved with immortality? What would satisfy his greed with immortality? He wanted to be immortal for what? To see the world? To achieve success?

Each time he considers throwing it away, he can’t. It’s a part of his life he hates, but for some reason, Baekhyun just can’t let go of it either. As much as he tries to convince himself to get rid of it, some part of him also comes up with excuses as to why he should keep it.

Like what? What is the grand reason why he couldn’t throw away the stone and why he wants to stay immortal forever? I understand that in the current sense, it would be because maybe he already attached to it or the Sea of Flames is all he has now of his past life [the familiarity of the stone is what he depends on], but the reason for keeping it all those years ago isn’t clear.

Next, the time that has passed is thousands of years ago (two thousand years ago since the story mentions “two millenniums”) and Baekhyun is isolated, but he still knows where to buy phones, how to use phones and modern transportation like buses, and his language is current. In the story, it is mentioned that he doesn’t have many people to talk to and he lived in isolation. He has never owned a phone because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, and he saw no reason to get one. It’s kind of confusing where he learned all of this new-age technology and language or why he doesn’t get scared or surprised with the technology around him. How was he able to use technology without questioning how it works or making some mistakes? How did he acquire the know-how on our current technology?

How did his language change to fit the modern style of language? Language changes styles through the years. Our language style now is way different from the language style even thirty years ago, so knowing that Baekhyun is alive for more than 2,000 years would make it more likely that his language style would be based on the language he used at the time that he was born in and living in or an older language (the one used or was accustomed to before he went into isolation).

I thought readers would see this two thousand years gap between Haewon and Baekhyun through language, but they understand each other fine and there are no modern words that Baekhyun doesn’t understand or old words that Haewon would know is obsolete on this day and age. For example, when Haewon mentioned that she was “mugged,” Baekhyun knew exactly what it meant though that word wouldn’t be used until around the 1840’s. Even then, the meaning of “mug” has other meanings apart from being attacked. Since Baekhyun doesn’t appear to have any experience with being mugged, it’s not clear how that word would be part of his vocabulary. Also, that term wouldn’t be used frequently in everyday conversations that he would hear for him to pick up the meaning. [There could be better examples, honestly, but what I wrote down is "mugged" lol.]

Lastly, the setting is not clear in the story. There are magical elements, but then they also have phones. Where is this land? Which town does he live in? What year is it? Since Baekhyun was a prince, does that mean that the area that he is in has a monarchy? Or was that completely obliterated after a few years that the royal family died? Wouldn’t that mean that he would have a lot of paintings or pictures in history books? Since he was alive thousands of years ago, wouldn’t that mean that he would be used to the culture of the olden days? What changed in the culture of the land now?

Characterization {13/15}
As for characterization, the characters are well-developed and readers can clearly see the personalities of the characters. Baekhyun is a loner, doesn’t like spontaneity, neat, and socially-awkward. Haewon on the other hand likes the outdoors, is friendly, and is a positive person. It is clear how their opposites complement each other and Haewon’s personality is what brings Baekhyun out of his loneliness and the solitude that he is used to.

The only concern with the characters is that the significance of Baekhyun’s background as a prince is not clear in the story. I could be wrong, but even without the prince background, the story would be the same. Why did Baekhyun have to be a prince? How did being a prince affect his story? At first, I thought that this aspect of his character would have more effect on how he behaves or the story itself (like at a certain point, someone would recognize him from a history book or an old painting), but that never happened. His mannerisms and manner of speaking isn’t that sort of regal, old prince that one would expect. He dresses casually and smartly in the day and age that he is in.

[Again, there’s a question of how he knows how to dress appropriately for the modern age when he has been in isolation. Readers can see him wearing leather shoes and jeans (it sounds like Baekhyun is very fashionable), but clothing styles change throughout the years, so it isn’t clear who taught Baekhyun what style fits the year that he is in.]

For the characterization of being isolated (though I can see that he does go to the market at times), how does he have money for the things that he needs? How is he able to pay for electricity and food? There was never a job mentioned for Baekhyun, and even if he was rich in his time as a prince, money also changes throughout the years, so he would have to constantly exchange his old money for new money [The value of old money would also change through the years]. Also, he would still need more money to support himself for thousands of years. I think that in order to make Baekhyun’s character more believable, there should be some explanation on how his background affects him, how he is able to survive thousands of years in isolation, and how that isolation (or gap in knowledge of the changing culture) affects him in regards to language, mannerisms, and finances.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {14/15}
In regards to grammar, there were only a few issues that I found, but your writing is spot-free. 

1. Word choice

“Hi,” the person says in a small voice, “I know this is a really awkward question, but is it possible that I shelter at your house until the storm passes?”

The word “shelter” is not used properly in the sentence. “Shelter,” when used as a verb, means to protect or to shield someone, and that doesn’t fit in the sentence. When used in the context of finding protection, I think it should have been “...that I take shelter at your house…”

[I tried to find some similar uses of shelter in the way it is used in the sentence above, and the one thing that was close was "sheltering" used like "They were sheltering under the desks, " but I haven't found something like "I shelter under the desk."]

2. Articles

Outside, a soft snow is falling.

The use of the article “a” means that there is only one of something. However, snow is not just one thing but a group of small things (ice crystals), so using “a” before “snow” is confusing. It’s like saying “Give me a water” rather than “Give me water.” The article should be omitted from the sentence.

Writing Style {9/10}
The whole “everyone he loves will die because of the stone” is emphasized repeatedly in the story. Though I do understand that it is used to show how Baekhyun constantly thinks about the stone, having it repeated in almost every section of the one-shot in the same manner can be redundant or it will sound like a broken record. Perhaps the thought can be included in another way so that it doesn’t sound redundant for readers? For example, you can use fragments of memories or dialogue from people from Baekhyun’s past can trigger his anxiety about the stone.

There are parts where the past or background is just written out in a sort of “this and that happened” way. At times, it does seem like you’re writing courses more on telling rather than showing, and that limits the reader’s understanding or mental image of the scene.

Nevertheless, your writing is simple, and it does contain a lot of deep and symbolic imagery. What’s great about this is that even if the readers do not read into the story too deeply, they will still be able to pick up some lessons or contemplate on some questions about life and living.

Flow {10/10}
The flow for their relationship wasn’t too fast. Readers can definitely see the steady progression of Baekhyun and Haewon’s relationship from strangers to friends and to eventual lovers. The curse also progressed in a good pace. It didn’t start out too early in the story to show insta-love, but it started well into the time where Baekhyun realizes how much he cares for Haewon.There were parts where the story (like the constant insert of an update on the Sea of Flames) slowed down and sort of dragged. Although I do understand that those parts are there for emphasis, [like I’ve stated in the Writing Style section] the repeating parts do get repetitive and they slow down the story. The concern isn’t so big that the story is affected greatly, but it’s something to take into consideration.

Presentation {5/5}
The contrast of blue and red is appealing to the eyes, and the slightly blurred poster tiled in the background gives off a vibrant look to your story. There weren’t any jarring blocks of text, and I found the size of your font readable.

Overall Enjoyment {+4}
The story was enjoyable to read. Though I did see the path that the story was taking, it was still alarming and interesting to see how fast the curse took over once Baekhyun realizes his feelings for Haewon. The internal struggle is definitely present throughout the story. There were parts of the story that confused me [like the significance of Baekhyun being a prince and the setting], but everything else is clear. You were able to communicate the lesson about greed and the choice between being alive and living. I like how the story centered on the lesson rather than simply on the romance building between Baekhyun and Haewon.

Honestly, the length threw me off a bit lol. It took me a couple of reads to finish the story, and it was hard to find the part where I had left off. I should have just one-shot the reading.


Overall: 95/100

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