Genre(s):Angst and drama

Status: On-going [Ten chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization



Title {3/5}
Though unique, your title is a mouthful. The length of the title is long, and it rolls off the tongue awkwardly. Perhaps you can make the title shorter so that it has more impact and so it will be easier to remember. I do commend you for having a title that is definitely significant to your plot.

Description and Foreword {7/10}
Your description clearly sets the background, characters, inciting incident, and conflict of the story, but it’s not attention-grabbing or angsty. Mark doesn’t want to be Jackson’s “brother” anymore, now what? You should add something more to give your readers the feeling of “I need to know what happens next!” What’s at stake for Mark? How does his view affect Jackson? What must be resolved between the two?

Plot {24/30}
It’s a plot that centers on the events that happen that there is not enough reflection on the effects of the events. For example, you show how Mark was bullied and ostracized, but the tension and reflection on these events are not highlighted. Your story needs more description about Mark’s feelings. We want to be able to see and understand Mark’s feelings to be able to relate to him. He has this unrequited love, so we need to know what it’s like to feel the angst and the drama of the situation.

Also, I would have thought that Mark would go for the stage of denial first or he would also go through the road of hatred that what he was and what he liked was unnatural for him. If queer kids are not taught from a young age that loving someone with the same gender is acceptable, I wouldn’t think that he would not be so accepting of his uality. You should also factor in the place that Mark grew up in since he was raised in an orphanage run by nuns (who I suspect is of Christian or Catholic faith). I’m not saying that Christians or Catholics are naturally anti-LGBT+, but it would seem that circles that practice very traditional forms of religion are against homoual relationships. Mother Superior is traditional in her way of thinking, as evidenced by her use of corporal punishments, so I would assume that she would drill into their heads that homouality is a sin or something of that nature that will create strong doubt and denial within Mark.

Since you mentioned in the form that you want to show Mark’s struggle with his uality, I suggest that you give more emphasis on his journey in accepting who he is and his feelings for Jackson. For now, you focused more on Jackson and Mark’s relationship, but you should add in more reflection on commentary on Mark’s side about his uality. What did he think about homoual relationships as he was growing up? Where did he learn about these types of relationships? Why does he think of himself as erse? Where did he learn that these types of relationships was “wrong”? What did he feel as he was having these consuming thoughts about Jackson? Providing more reflection will bring out more drama and angst in your story. At the same time, your readers will be able to understand Mark’s struggle better.

Next, there are scenes that I felt should have been elaborated on or reflected on. One example of this is in chapter nine when Mark mentioned to Caleb that Mark had already lost his ity before. I thought that this point in the plot should have been given more justice since it was Mark’s first. No matter how bad his first time was, I think it would have been a landmark in Mark’s struggle with his uality.

Another concern that I have is the setting of the plot is not clear in your story. Because the setting is not clear, it is also not clear how this setting affects the plot. The names of the characters in your story is Western, so it can be assumed that your story happens in the Western part of the world rather than the Eastern, or more specifically Asian part, of the world. The year or era that the story takes place in is not clear, but with the language used in the dialogues hint at the modern setting. Now, if the setting of the story really is in a modern, Western country, then surely Mark would not be the only homoual student in their school, and there would be acceptance of the LGBT+ community. The kind of close-minded thinking that is presented in the story might suit more in an Asian setting (where homouality is still a touchy subject), early 2000s setting (when homouality was still frowned upon), or a specific Western, traditional-minded community.

On a positive note, the push and pull in Mark and Jackson’s relationship is well done. We’re watching not just Mark struggle with his uality, but also Jackson. Jackson’s changing views of homouality and struggle to accept Mark adds substance to the story. Furthermore, the twist at the end of chapter eleven definitely presents mystery and adds drama to the already tense relationship between Mark and Jackson!

Characterization {12/15}
The only major concern with characterization that I see is that the way that you described Jackson’s character does not reflect on how he acts. In chapter three, you described Jackson as someone who is diplomatic and uses words (to offset Mark’s short-tempered and violent nature), but most of the time, when Jackson is angry, he shouts words that are violent. When you say someone is diplomatic, they have more tact in dealing with tense or stressful situations. A diplomat would placate people around them rather than ignite more fires with violent words. An example of Jackson losing tact is in chapter five where he threatened Mark’s “friends” with shoving his fist down their throats though Mark’s “friends” never directly provoked Jackson. Since this does not show a diplomatic attempt, your readers can become confused on what Mark’s character really is.

I do like how you portrayed Mark consistently as bratty, reckless, and violent. His recklessness is shown clearly in his actions and words, and it propels the story forward. Although, I would like to see how he can grow and develop as a person. This development would make him more three-dimensional rather than being static and unchanging in his ways. Hopefully, the continuation of your story will bring more of this development out.

Aside from the two main characters, I do find side characters such as Caleb and Irene as characters with wasted potential. For instance, your chapter that introduces Caleb, for me, does not do him any justice. He’s only seen there as a temporary release, and aside from this, he’s a simple throwaway character. If that is the case, it would have been much simpler if Mark got any unnamed person off the street to have his release. However, you went through the trouble of naming him! Surely, he should be given justice? You can do so by giving more description or reflection of the relationship between Mark and Caleb. How did Caleb really impact Mark and his struggle with uality? What does he feel around Caleb?

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {13/15}
There are some issues in you writing that I’ve already addressed in the previous review, like comma splices, run-ons, and telling vs. showing. For this area, let’s look at other minor concerns that consistently show in your writing like know vs. now, use of commas, and misspelled words:

1.Comma after introductory elements:

Over the years the boys had learned different ways of how to sneak out of the orphanage without getting caught and it being Jackson’s birthday a few of the boys decided to sneak out and celebrate. (Chapter 3)

Firstly, you did not consistently use commas to separate your introductory elements from your main sentences. Introductory elements are words, phrases, or clauses that introduce the who, what, where, how, or why of independent clauses. The introductory elements in the sentence above are “over the years” (it introduces when the boys had learned different ways of sneaking out) and “it being Jackson’s birthday” (it introduces why a few of the boys decided to sneak out). You should place commas after the introductory elements, like this:

Over the years, the boys had learned different ways of how to sneak out of the orphanage without getting caught and it being Jackson’s birthday, a few of the boys decided to sneak out and celebrate.

2. Difference between "know" and "now":

“And know that it has?”(Chapter 6)

There are specific differences between “know” and “now.” The word “know” means to be aware of something. The word “now” indicates a time. I’ve noticed through your work that you seemed to interchange the two, but these words are not interchangeable. Since the excerpt above talks about a time, you should use “now” instead.

3. Misspelled words:

His hands shook in anger, he wasn’t sure how much more he could take of the constant snide remarks, Jackson kept insisting he ignored everyone but it had been weeks since the roomers at school about his uality started and still he kept getting derogatory remarks. (Chapter 7)

In the excerpt above, the misspelled word is “roomers.” You surely won’t find this word in the dictionary, and your readers might not comprehend what you are referring to in the sentence. Try placing your story under spellcheck or proofreading. What is the correct word for the thing that were spread around the school about Mark?

These are all minor mistakes that I’m sure you can easily address with a quick proofread of your work. You can also try getting a proofreader/beta-reader to help you in spotting these issues!

Flow {7/10}
Some of your chapters do not flow together harmoniously. For instance, the flow from your chapter seven to your chapter eight is not smooth. You ended chapter seven with a dramatic scene where Mark ran away from Jackson, but chapter eight starts with a light and happy scene in a cafe. The change in tone, setting, and scene can leave your readers confused on how much time and how many events has passed between scenes and chapters. One way to remedy this is to indicate clearly how much time has elapsed between scenes or present transitions that weave the chapters together. For example, if the last line of one chapter is “I will never love you,” the next chapter can have the same line at the start, but I would make it clear that the line is the main character remembering it after such time has passed. (Like so: “I will never love you.” It has been exactly three months, five days, and four hours since he told me that. Three months, five days, and four hours since he broke my heart.)

Presentation {4/5}
Your poster and dark background definitely gives the angsty vibe of your story. I do suggest that you get a chapter poster that is clearer. Although the picture of the brothers in the chapter poster tugs on your readers’ heartstrings, it has a filter that makes the pictures and the words unclear. Furthermore, the font in the chapter poster is more geared towards horror tones than angst. Aside from this concern, the rest of your story is presented neatly. There are no jarring blocks of text, and the size of the text is readable.

Overall Enjoyment {6/10}
I did wish that the struggle with Mark’s uality was given more emphasis in the story since I think it would have made me understand his plight and relate to the feelings that he had. Because this point in the story was not emphasized, I felt kind of distant to Mark’s character, and it was like I was watching everything from afar. As a writer, you’d want to make your readers feel as if they’re close to Mark or in Mark’s shoes to properly convey your story.


Overall: 76/100

Thank you for requesting from the shop! Make sure to credit the shop in your Foreword using the banner and send the karma points to the owner.