Genre(s): Action, angst, fantasy, romance, pirate!AU

Status: On-going

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization

[Note: For those who are sensitive to the topic of trauma, this review touches the subject of trauma and abuse as it is presented in the story.]

Title {5/5}
Your title is very original and catchy. It has that theme of danger and edge, and the cutlass relates heavily to sailors and pirates. The relation of the title to the story is clear, and it is significant to the story since the cutlass is the weapon that is associated with Baekhyun’s character. I have a feeling that the title will have more significance as the story goes on, but for now, good job!

Description and Foreword {8/10}
The description is certainly complete in elements, but not so much that you give everything away. The conflict is implied, and readers would be on the edge of their seat wondering what will happen next. It still leaves room for readers to have questions like what Baekhyun wants from Hei and if Hei really is weak. I particularly like the alliteration for “bedraggled, beaten, and begging.” It gives the line a nice ring while giving a vivid description of the inciting incident at the same time.

Also, I like the sort of mirrored effect in the description. You start with introducing Song Hei, and then you delve into her background. You invert this then in the second half by starting the background before telling your readers the name (Baekhyun’s). This mirror-like effect does help in building up suspense in knowing who this wanted person is and serves as a sort of contrast to tie the two main characters together.

The concern that I found in your description is this part:

Wanted pirate. Supposedly missing from the clash with the Lu family weeks ago. Infamous, a notoriously sought-after man by the five families.

Baekhyun.

I think this could be better by cutting down the length of certain sentences there to make a better impact. Think of the alliteration earlier: bedraggled, beaten, and begging. It has a sort of musicality to it with these words being one word each and starting with a “b.” You started with a sharp and catchy “wanted pirate.” The part “Supposedly missing from the clash with the Lu family weeks ago” is long, a mouthful, and slows the momentum of description along with the line after that. Because it slows the momentum, the last part of your description doesn’t have a nice ring to it and loses its effect. Instead of “dun, dun, dun, duuuuun!”, you have “dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun, duuuun!” [I hope this makes sense as much as it does in my brain.]

Maybe if you use fewer words in each sentence/description [like outlaw, infamous, sought-after, dangerous and such], the last part of your description would have enough momentum to make the “Baekhyun” at the end more impactful.

When it comes to the Foreword, the Forward seems to give a lot of Baekhyun’s background away that the mystery behind his character and his origins isn’t as thrilling as it was in the description. Since Baekhyun is mentioned in the end of the description, and any fan of EXO knows that Byun is Baekhyun’s surname, it’s relatively easy to connect the dots and see that he is the prodigy.

[Unless Baekhyun doesn’t turn out to be the prodigy, then I don’t see how the Forward would help in adding mystery or additional thrill to the story.]

Lastly, there’s an awkward sentence in the Forward: “And then at sixteen, he began going wrong.” Did you mean that things began going wrong when he was sixteen or that at sixteen he started doing things wrong? Clarifying this sentence will clear up any misunderstanding and make the sentence flow better.

Plot {24/30}
While there are a few pirate!au stories in AFF, this one is different. Your story merges mamaverse and pirate to create a unique and creative theme that captures the grittiness and action of pirate stories with the fantastical and well-loved elements of mamaverse. The twist in Baekhyun’s power (where he is not wielding light but other elements) is also refreshing to read. Since there is a change in the powers of the members, readers will be interested what powers the others have and how they will be used in the story.

Hei’s power, at the start, was very interesting and new to read. Usually, when it involves powers, stories would give the main characters important powers or they are super powerful, so it’s great to see a character with a sort of tame power where the readers will learn how the power can be useful in the story. When I thought that her power was simply relieving the memories of a place, I thought that it would be a fresh take on fantasy stories that involves super-powered humans. It sort of reminded me of Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children where the main character doesn’t have fighting powers like fire, the ability to animate objects, flight/air, and earth. Jacob’s power is simple, but as the story goes on, the readers understand how his power can be useful and what role he has in the story (in this case, a protector).

However, after finding out that her power is time in chapter 7 (and more specifically, this kind of dangerous, really important power that the Song family is afraid of), I felt a bit at odds with it. There are so many stories out there where the main character is this sort of Chosen One who has the most badass or unique power that is a threat to people, so I hoped that it would be different from other stories.

I seem to recall that it’s also sort of the same vibe as your story, Darkest Hour, where the main character has a power that at first seems tame but then they find out how dangerous and powerful it is. The elders in that story are also afraid of Jinae because they think that she’ll overthrow them, so they made a decision to basically kill her by finding fault and throwing her out, but she doesn’t even know how powerful she is because they’ve been putting her down. We then discover in the story that Jinae is actually very important in restoring something to the world that they’re in, much like Hei. Other EXO members swoop in too to form a solid group and they all have powers that are strong but not comparable to the rarity or powerfulness of the main character’s power. [I’m not the only one who can see the similarities, right?]

[Also, I’m going through this by memory of what I have read so far in Darkest Hour so there might be some pieces missing or parts that I forgot, but the two stories do share similar patterns.]

I’m not saying that underdog Chosen One stories are bad because there’s so many of them out there, but because there are so many of them now that it would be great to see something new brought to the plate. Like a new twist or limit to their power or they find out that they’re not the only one [living] with that kind of power at all.

The story of the Byun family feels sort of repetitive at the start of the first chapter. It was already presented in the Foreword, but then it was repeated two more times at the very start of the first chapter that it loses its impact. I’m not sure if this was your way of showing how much the family drills into Hei’s mind that she might have the same fate as the Byun prodigy, but the repetition makes it so it doesn’t sound as intimidating as it should be and it loses its value.

Now, the major concern that I saw in your plot is world building. World building is important in fantasy stories and stories that aren’t set in the modern world because it helps readers understand the setting and the circumstances that push the story forward. While reading the story, I had no clear image or understanding of the world of Cutlass.

I understand that that there are five ruling families [and these families have members that are powerful] and each family governs a specific land or city or something, but apart from that, the world itself, the rules, the culture of the cities are not shown. Are the five families the sort of government of the cities? Does this mean that the government is monarchial? If not, what type of government do these cities have? Are these cities part of one country or are they their own countries? Does everyone have a power? If only the families have powers and they want to keep these powers to themselves, does this mean that there are inter-family relationships? [Because I doubt they would marry the children to other families since it was mentioned that they have feuds with other families.] What is the setting like? The culture? Are there higher-ups or an individual that governs over these five families? What is the topography of Hua? How is Hua different from Ezentia? How is Hua different from any other city in terms of people, architecture, or culture?

In chapter 4, Baekhyun and Hei are walking through the outer city of Hua, but you never described the streets or the houses except for that it’s quiet. The readers will not be able to see what the world there is like. What style are the houses in the outer city in? How is the outer city different from the inner city? Is there a change in the materials used in the road between the outer city and the inner city? Are the houses there bigger or smaller? Are there certain decorations like country flags that adorn the houses? Is there a specific logo or sign that is used in flags to signify the city of Hua or the Song family?

Describing the city there though Hei’s eyes [or even as just a third person narrator] will help your readers get a better understanding of the world that they’re in or how different Hei’s life was in the inner city compared to the outer. Perhaps describing the streets will give a better idea of the societal classes or culture of the people in Hua. It will paint a clearer picture of the world that you’ve created and the world that the characters live in. It can also show how these details affect them.

Next, the part that reveals Baekhyun as the prodigy is something that you can already see from a mile away. Or more specifically, right at the Foreword. Because [as I’ve already stated in the previous section] the Foreword already gives so much information about the Byun prodigy background and of course anyone who is a fan of EXO knows Baekhyun’s last name, the reveal in chapter 11 didn’t have that “OH MY GOD WHAT” impact. It wasn’t a gripping plot twist [unlike if you show that Baekhyun wasn’t the prodigy and it was actually his brother or if you used a different surname for the prodigy instead of Byun], and it loses its effectiveness in blowing your readers’ minds or making the scene as gripping as when Hei experienced it.

Finally, I think there are still a lot of questions left unanswered when it comes to what happens next in the story, and those continue to push the story forward. We are left with Baekhyun trying to get more crew members and trying to reach Hell’s Gate. Since the question of what Hell’s Gate is for or what Baekhyun wants from it is still unanswered, readers will still have that mystery to hold on to for them to come back and read the next updates. Good job!

Characterization {12/15}
For Characterization, I think I will focus more on your two main characters since the side characters (like Luhan, Jongdae, and Junmyeon) don’t have as enough space yet to show their full characteristics. Meanwhile, we’ve had sixteen chapters to try and get to know Hei and Baekhyun.

When it comes to Song Hei, I’ve noticed that she has a quitter’s attitude right from the start, and it is obvious that her self-confidence is low because it was drilled in her head to believe that she is weak and unable to do anything (especially with her powers). We can see that she’s a bit of a scaredy-cat and constantly seeks validation [when she asks Seungwan and believes every word Miyeon says]. I understand that all of these negative characteristics come from a life of being abused and neglected by her family, but with how these characteristics are what shine through for Hei in the story, it seems like these negative ones are the only ones that define her which can put off readers when they start reading.

It is a huge struggle to write a well-rounded character especially when there is a history of trauma and abuse [since this directly affects how a person behaves and thinks], but like any other character that we write, there should be a balance of good characteristics and negative characteristics. The abuse and the aftermath of the trauma shouldn’t be the only things to define them. You have characters like Peeta Mellark, who is beaten up by his mother at one point and talked down by his family but has strength in his talent in speaking to crowds and his wit, and Harry Potter, verbally and physically abused as a child but still very brave and kind-hearted. Yes, their history affected them negatively, but they still come with these strengths that balance them out and make them characters that are easy to like. What are the good characteristics of Hei? What makes her strong or impressionable as a character?

At first, I did think that she would be so defiant about being taken away because she really believed in what her family has taught her [or because she was abused heavily to the point that disrespecting her family scares the hell out of her], but she just seemed to follow Baekhyun’s orders without a great struggle. Being tortured and made to believe those horrible things works like brainwash, especially to someone who hasn’t seen much of the outside world or formed meaningful, healthy relationships with other people. If she was drilled so much into accepting the life in her family, I thought she would make more effort to stay.

On a positive note, I like the fact that you go into her mind show how she processes through Baekhyun’s truthful words about how ridiculous her family is versus what she has been taught all her life [shown in chapter 4]. This inner debate or confusion shows the readers a lot about how much Hei is fed all of these terrible ideals and rules and how she starts to doubt her family and the fairness of being brought up that way. She learns what is right and wrong when it comes to how she was treated and how other families treat their children. Be careful, though. Having multiple instances of this inner monologue and debate can make your character seem fickle or indecisive, so you should make sure that Hei doesn’t border on this trait by having her think and rethink everything without coming to a conclusion that she can act on or strongly believe in.

Another instance where a sort of inner debate happens is on chapter 15 where there was a part that she feels a bit homesick for Hua. She knows that she shouldn’t (the logical side of her), but the feeling is just there, and it frustrates her. It’s these kinds of scenes where readers can see the conflict inside Hei when it comes to what she’s previously known and adapted to and her life now.

I can also see that she is slowly learning to trust and get comfortable around Baehyun with how she’s talking back more or how she’s not afraid to ask a lot of questions. She’s slowly trying to get out of her shell and let go of her past. However, you should make sure that there is still a balance to dealing with the trauma. Trauma and years of psychological, physical, and verbal abuse doesn’t just go away once someone understands what happened to them and how that is wrong [more on this in Flow]. Make sure that you’re showing how she’s learning to deal with the abuse that she had endured while still continuing with the story.

For Baekhyun, I can see that he is cunning, collected, swift, an expert at fighting, and confident in his abilities, but I feel like there was something lacking there still. These characteristics remind me of Katniss Everdeen. She’s a badass and she has a lot of anger in her, but we could see that she has flaws or vulnerabilities: she’s selfless as hell and socially-inept. These flaws are what make her a full character. What vulnerability or flaw does Baekhyun have?

For now, he just seems like one of those OP characters that you have no doubt would always save the day. No one can touch them, and they’re just made from steel and magic. I did notice [though it was kinda subtle at first] that Baekhyun had a lot of anger within himself that he tries his best to control. At one point, I wanted Baekhyun to show that anger more as a sort of vulnerability or flaw [in a way that he can’t control his emotions most of the time or that he has a hard time letting of the past]. Maybe even anger at himself. He lost some men to another family that is twisted in their ways of bringing up their children, and he also had to fight his way out of a family that he disliked. He can’t always be this dashing hero who is cool and calm in every single moment.

[It’s not that I want to see him at his breaking point (since I think that would be more reserved in dire situations or like a dramatic, pivotal scene), but I was looking for the cracks at least that hint to something more to him.]

That kind of leads me to this point. It was weird in chapter 5 wherein Baekhyun saves Hei from a bunch of drunks and he never got mad. He instantly showed worry and apologizes after, as Hei had described it, he looked “livid at the scene in front of him.” I don’t know what kind of emotional yoga he did that he wasn’t angry with her or angry at the situation that they had been in after the fight. He instantly became calm and worried, and this brought the concern forward that the transition from his callous attitude before they got on to the ship to that sort of nice and worried vibe was kind of fast.

I thought that he would have been a bit peeved or that his question would come with a gruff tone [before ultimately apologizing for his tone and how he tied her up or repeating the question again while trying to stabilize the anger so he doesn’t lash out], since that would have sort of went with the scene of him being angry and fighting five guys. Since I see Baekhyun as this person who has a lot of anger/frustration in him because of how his family and society has wronged him, the sudden genuine worry was a bit confusing.

The story straight-up focuses more on dialogues between characters to rush the general story out of the way, and I think that is where some of the character for your two main characters got lost. The way that they just pump information about the past and what is happening in the families is almost sort of just a dump of facts [more on this in Writing Style] that the readers aren’t given enough of a chance to see more of Baekhyun’s, or even Hei’s, character as a whole.

I was also looking for dialogue that’s unique to the characters, but for now, they all sort of speak the same to me, so it’s hard to distinguish their characters. Since they all lived in different areas or cities, I thought that they would have their own quirks to how they speak, like using slang words that are unique to the cities or very specific pirate terminology that only Baekhyun and Luhan understand. Maybe one character likes using profanities a lot. Maybe Hei can’t say any kind of profanity and uses other words to cover it up. Maybe one of them has a phrase or word that they use often. Differences in the way that they speak will help in providing more character and making your characters unique or impressionable.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {15/15}
In regards to grammar, there were only a few issues that I found, and these were just cases of typos or missing words, so I gave this area fifteen points.

1. Missing words/ Word Choice

There was no possible, in the heavy dress and with the minimal training she’d gotten, could she get away from him and call for help. (Chapter 2)

There was no possible what? There’s a missing word in the sentence above.

The family that most likely chosen well trained, moderately powerful people to guard the passages. (Chapter 3)

The family that most likely chosen well trained, moderately powerful people to guard the passages is what? Complete the sentence to make the idea of the sentence clearer.

Writing Style {7/10}
Generally, your writing style is consistent through your story, and your writing is very easy to read and get into. Your style in this story is definitely more dialogue-heavy, especially between Hei and Baekhyun, to deliver the story and develop the characters.

When it comes to description, I feel that this is where your writing lacks. There is not enough description of things like surroundings, rooms, clothes, or culture in your story. The lack in description can hinder a reader’s ability to imagine the story as it is happening or have a better understanding of the world that you’ve created. Take a look at this excerpt:

The dress the girls of the families were required to wear was ridiculous. Hei thought it probably made her weight twice as heavy as she really was. And the hair too. There were so many needless accessories. (Chapter 1)

There’s not enough description to help the readers understand the ridiculousness of the traditions and the culture in the family. Providing a description of the dress will also help the world-building and give readers an idea of what it’s like for prestigious families in the fantasy world that you’ve created. How are the dresses for prestigious or rich families different from dresses for commoners? What specific part of the dress or accessory did she dislike? What part of the dress made it ridiculous?

There are times where I could imagine your characters there (although still a bit lacking in stuff like style of clothing), but the room or the street is empty or blank. Your readers cannot be expected to fill in the blanks and have their own image of what the story’s world looks like, so it would be great to include more details. For example, you showed the boat in chapter 15, but you did not give enough details about the boat.

The sails were tied up, and the ship itself was anchored, though it still looked…well, it looked majestic, and Hei couldn’t quite find another word to properly describe it. There was something different about the ship compared to others she’d seen, and maybe her thinking was biased because it was Baekhyun’s ship, but there was something about it that stood out to her as something dangerous. (Chapter 15)

Even though you provided adjectives like “majestic,” “different,” and “dangerous,” it still isn’t enough to provide a clear image of the ship. What is the hull made of? Or what does it look like? How tall are the masts? Is there a sign or a statue at the front of the ship? Are there decorations on the body or wood of the ship? Does it have multiple holes for canons? What makes it different from other ships?

Another one is in chapter 2 where Hei is trying on a maid’s dress, which should be considered of lower status, but Baekhyun comments that it is still too fancy. How so? You wrote that the dress was lighter, but that was it. What are the differences in the dress she normally wears compared to the maid outfit? Is it less constricted? Is it made of cotton? Are there fewer designs? Is it just a sheet dress? Is it cut higher than a normal dress? Providing more details will definitely help in creating a vivid image and a greater reading experience.

Next, there are parts where it feels like you’re feeding information to the readers or like a sort of “Wow, this is just too convenient.” For example, in chapter 2, when Hei is told that Baekhyun will take her away, Baekhyun goes into this long explanation of Hei’s circumstance or background. He explains her fear and the family’s perception of her, which the readers would have already understood in the first chapter. And though I can understand that the long monologue was to add some mystery and thrill that Baekhyun knows about her home life and her personal feelings, the way that it was delivered [almost eerily similar to how it was delivered in the narrative in chapter 1] loses the impact and it makes the monologue a bit convenient at the time.

This concern also sort of goes with describing feelings, emotions, and facial expressions. There are times where you just plainly state what someone’s feeling instead of using descriptions to help your readers have a more vivid image of what your characters are going through. For example, in chapter 15, you wrote this:

She turned back to complain, though Baekhyun just gave her a grin that didn’t look very apologetic.

“Sorry,” he said, obviously not sorry. (Chapter 15)

Aside from how it’s sort of redundant in the excerpt above that Baekhyun wasn’t sorry, you simply stated that he’s not sorry. You could help in providing a clearer image by describing the grin, his tone, or his facial expression to show how he wasn’t sorry at all. Maybe he had a teasing gleam in his eyes or his grin was a -eating grin [or if you want to be more family-friendly, looking like a cat who ate the canary].

Flow {8/10}
The overall flow of the story is good. It’s not too fast or too slow, although there are parts that slow down the progress of the story. For instance, chapter 7 seems more like a filler chapter since it did not do much to push the story forward. While we do learn the general power that Hei has, the rest of the chapter is just information that isn’t relevant at the time or repeated from the past chapters. This also happens again in parts of chapter 14 like in the scene of the uneventful day where Luhan wakes up Baekhyun by snapping his fingers. It doesn’t push the story forward or give important information about the plot, so it just slows down the pace of the story. Since action is involved in the story and you are building up to a major point in the plot (kidnapping Jongdae), you should be careful that there aren’t any instances where the moment is slowed down.

[Thinking about it again, the part where Luhan wakes Baekhyun up can be considered sort of like a comedy point, but the time that it is integrated in the story slows down the momentum and thrill leading up to the point that they have to kidnap Jongdae.]

The pace of the relationship between Hei and Baekhyun isn’t rushed. It is clear that Hei felt distrust towards Baekhyun at first, and the scene in chapter 9 where her half-brothers telling her to go home almost put her in a trance shows how much Hei is still struggling with her trust towards Baekhyun and how she feels about her family. It’s a slow-burn, but it does help in showing how someone with a traumatic past can find it hard to open up to other people, especially those who are trying to pull them away from the source of their trauma or the life that they’ve known.

This leads to the next point. I sort of expected that the trigger for the trauma will come up again in her mind when she tries to will her power to manifest (in chapter 14) or in chapters past chapter 5. As with any kind of trauma, it doesn’t just leave you right after you learned the truth about it or if you were able to detach yourself from the source. It affects people and triggers them at certain times (especially if they didn’t have the proper care or therapy to help them). We see this trigger initially in chapter 5 where she has a panic attack when she is tied, but after this scene, we don’t see much of the trauma coming back.

With this line of thought, I did think that her being able to actually will her power after just one sit-down and try with Luhan was fast. She was put down and held back from using her powers for years and years, so I thought that her trying to will her powers would be a trigger, but it never came. Of course you don’t have to make Hei subscribe to this specific point or event for a trigger, but it would be good to show that the effect of being abused by her family is still there and consistent in the story [like what I’ve stated in Characterization area].

Presentation {5/5}
The dark colors present in the poster and the background give an edgy feeling to your story, and it helps in developing this theme of angst and danger. Your text is readable, and there are definitely no jarring blocks of text. Nice!

Overall Enjoyment {+2}
Honestly, I’m not really into those insecure and indecisive OCs anymore, since we get a lot of those in fanfics. They lack conviction or stronger personalities that at times it would get annoying, and you’re not cheering the main OC on anymore [Or like me, I just kept thinking “aksdhalfa DO SOMETHING”]. They always get swept away by some cool dude, and they somehow learn to become stronger because…you know, power of love and all of that. I guess I was looking for something more in that department, like at least something in Hei that shows inner strength whether it be strength in her beliefs or strength when it comes to her conviction.

I know that her lack in faith in herself does stem from years of being abused, but I guess I wished for something to redeem that lack of faith or something that would put Hei in a positive light like optimism, wit, or conviction. I didn’t want her character to be defined by this lack of faith or confidence. Like if someone asks me what positive traits of Hei I could list for now, I won’t be able to come up with a solid number of traits, and that frustrates me a bit because I do want to like your character and I don’t want her to be this damsel in distress every single time or a character that has a damsel mindset. [I know that you do plan to raise her confidence in the story, but this is what I picked up for now.] 

To me, Hei is along for the ride of the story. She’s plot-driven rather than the plot being character-driven, and though it’s not bad to have a character that pushed and pulled by the story, I would have liked to see that character do something about it.

It kinda makes me feel that I want the story to have Baekhyun as the primary lens to the plot. I thought that it would be more interesting to read everything from his view since he drives the story forward, and, like I said in characterization, I felt that he had a lot of anger in him.

I also wished that there was more to the world-building. Great fantasy stories are able to take the readers into the fictional world that is created. Because the world in your story is not written in detail yet, and the writing style does lack some descriptions, it was hard for me to be immersed in the world that you have created. I don’t know what the clothing style is supposed to look like. I don’t know how the houses are supposed to look like. I don’t know what makes the boat that they boarded in the earlier chapters different from the boats we have now or what makes the cities different from one another.

I did like the fact that Baekhyun, Luhan, and even Jongdae had a different power that’s not in any way connected to the usual powers that they have in mamaverse stories. It does make me want to learn more about the specialties of each family, what roles those powers play in the story, and how those powers connect for the families.


Overall: 86/100

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