Genre(s): Angst and slice of life

Status: On-going [Three chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Writing style



Title {4/5}
While the title is catchy when you hear it and presents a mysterious vibe, it’s not that unique. You can find a lot of stories that have “Hourglass” as the title or some variant of that title. Because of this, your title might not catch a potential reader’s eye.

I do see the relation of the title to the story, though. The title and the story both focus on the theme of time and how Hyerin is running out of time or she’s trying to make sense of the limited time that she has left. The quote in your Description also contributes to the understanding of the title.

Description and Foreword {6/10}
The Description does present all of the needed elements for a blurb. It gives your readers basic information on the protagonist, the setting, the inciting incident, and the problem that the protagonist will face. However, as you’ve stated in your Foreword, the angsty protagonist-has-a-terminal-illness-and-realizes-life-is-not-great is overused in stories, so your readers might wonder how your story is different or separate from this cliche. I do recommend adding more specific details in your Description that shows your readers there is something more to your story. Next, I’ve noticed that you misuse a semicolon in your Description:

Suddenly, she realises, she has been seeing everything through rose-coloured glasses; and the thing that is actually as good as she thought it was, doesn’t even seem to matter much at all.

For clarification, a semicolon (;) is used to join two complete sentences with connecting ideas together. The part “and the thing that is actually as good as she thought it was, doesn’t even seem to matter much at all” is not a complete sentence. Therefore, a semicolon should not be used there. Here is an example of how a semicolon is used properly: She didn’t know where he came from; he popped out of nowhere. For the excerpt above, instead of using a semicolon, you should use a comma instead.

Plot {24/30}
The premise of the plot is used a lot in fiction. Someone has a terminal illness, and they suddenly see that their lives aren’t that happy or perfect. If you add the small tidbit shown in the Description about Hyerin listing things that she wants to do, it sounds sort of similar to The Bucket List. The movie also had characters with terminal illnesses, a list of things they want to do, and lives that are far from great. Within the first three chapters, you can’t really see what would be different since you are laying down background on the characters and the situation. This is not bad, but readers usually read the first five chapters to see if they like a story or not. If they do not find anything different or unique in your story, they might not want to continue with your story.

I do commend you on having realistic appointments and check-ups written in the plot. I am not knowledgeable in medical stuff, but seeing that Hyerin didn’t just check in with a doctor and goes on her merry way for the rest of the story without going through the needed appointments and medication is showing how realistic your story can be.

There is one point of convenience in the story: when her car got clamped because she had been in the airport “for an hour” when in the previous scene and the earlier scene, she had just rushed into the airport and read the message from Minho. It wasn’t stated that she waited or she took a while in the airport. After reading the text again and again, she went back to her car, so it would not take an hour. The clamp on her tire then would not be as realistic or logical. Perhaps you can state somewhere in the first part of the second chapter that she stayed somewhere up to an hour.

Characterization {12/15}
For the first two chapters, you write the characters well! Hyerin is always trying to rationalize things, trying to make sense of what she couldn’t. She handled the news realistically, and I could empathize with her on how she couldn’t believe the situation that she was in. It can also be seen that she tries to appear as a strong person who never cries and continues to move forward. Jaehwan’s way of coping with the news is also realistic. I do understand how people would want to use jokes and humor as they try to make sense of heavy or tragic news.

The concern that I have is that there is a shift in Young Ah’s (even Hyerin’s) language and dialogue style in chapter 3. When she found out that Hyerin has cancer and might die, we have this dialogue:

“No, but for real.”

“I have cancer, I mean how cool is that?” Hyerin patted Young Ah’s head.

Young Ah started sobbing, hugging her best friend, “What the hell, Hyerin?! Why are you dying that’s so not cool!”

“Oh my god. Oh my god. You’re going to die.” She paced around the room.

In the second chapter, Young Ah didn’t seem the type to use teenager-ish or slang words [More on this as well in Writing Style]. When she and Hyerin talked in the second chapter, they are both mature (because they are adults in the story) in their manner of speaking, and though she does have that enthusiastic and bright nature, she did not show signs of being this childish person. Therefore, when Young Ah started saying words like “but for real” and “that’s so not cool,” the character became immature, and that shift can be overwhelming. She handled death like a teenager or child would rather than a grown adult.

[I can’t really comment on Minho right now since we don’t get to see much about him.]

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {12/15}
There are a couple of major patterns of error in your writing. These patterns of error can confuse your readers, and I do suggest having a beta reader look over your work to correct the issues.

1. Verb tense

Dr. Soo pressed his lips firmly together, “That’s indefinite yet. We still have to run several more test. We have to check whether or not the cancer has spread to other organs. Once we were clear on how severe your condition is, we’ll refer you to a hematologist for the next procedures.” (Chapter 1)

In the sentence above, you used “were” in a sentence that uses present tense [as seen with the use of “is”]. You should use “are” instead of “were.” Here is a revised version of the excerpt:

Dr. Soo pressed his lips firmly together, “That’s indefinite yet. We still have to run several more test. We have to check whether or not the cancer has spread to other organs. Once we are clear on how severe your condition is, we’ll refer you to a hematologist for the next procedures.” (Chapter 1)

Here is another excerpt that has an issue with verb tense:

Hyerin don’t have any appetite, not that she had been having any since the past few months. (Chapter 2)

Here, you used present tense “don’t” when you’re talking about a past action and the story, as a whole, uses past tense in narration. You should use one overall verb tense for your narration. Here is a revised version:

Hyerin didn’t have any appetite, not that she had been having any since the past few months.

2. Wrong use of semicolon

Her thumb hover over a name on her call list hesitant whether she should just follow what her heart was screaming for her to do; dial it, or be rational and get her together. (Chapter 1)

As I’ve discussed in the Description area, semicolons are used to tie together two sentences together. In the excerpt here, you are introducing two options that Hyerin was mulling over. Since you are introducing ideas, you should use a colon (:) instead of a semicolon.

Her thumb hover over a name on her call list hesitant whether she should just follow what her heart was screaming for her to do: dial it, or be rational and get her together.

3. Sentence clarity

Slowly, she got out of her black Cayenne, letting the winter wind engulfed her in whole. (Chapter 1)

The unclear part in the sentence above is “the winter wind engulfed her in whole.” The structure of the sentence is awkward, so it’s hard to understand. You could end the sentence with “letting the winter wind engulf her.”

4. Subject-verb agreement:

Hyerin eat outside, but when she’s home, she’ll make sure what she eat is home cooked meal, even if it’s a simple dish. (Chapter 2)

The subjects “Hyerin” and “she” do not agree with “eat” in both instances in the sentence. The subjects are singular, but the verbs are plural. You should make sure that if the subjects are singular then the verbs are singular, and if the subjects are plural then the verbs are plural. Here is a revised version of the excerpt:

Hyerin eats outside, but when she’s home, she’ll make sure what she eats is home cooked meal, even if it’s a simple dish. (Chapter 2)

Writing Style {6/10}
I like the repetition in chapter 1. The flashback is effective because it shows how she always goes back to the time where she learned about her predicament. Also, the repetition of “cancer” and “as usual” shows Hyerin’s characteristic of always trying to make sense of everything. She mulls over the ideas and observations.

As for the concerns firstly,, at the start of each chapter, the metaphors are not transitioned into the start of the chapters well. For example, in chapter one, the transition between first part about going too deep under water and the start of the story where Hyerin finds out about her health isn’t smooth. You started the chapter addressing the readers and asking them if they ever felt what it was like to drown, but then the start of the story is Hyerin staring at the painted white walls of the hospital with no connection to the previous part. The first part sounds blog-ish (with the use of second person point of view) compared to the story (which uses third person point of view) probably because the two elements are not weaved together harmoniously. Perhaps you can show how the metaphorical parts connect to the story somewhere in the chapter by referencing the metaphor within the chapter. You can also use transitions between the metaphors and the start of each chapter.

Your writing has an issue with contradictions as well:

“Am I going to die?” Her words were a broken whisper, trying not to sound hopeful but failing. (Chapter 2)

Hyerin asks if she’s going to die, but then you end the dialogue tag with how she’s trying to sound hopeful. It seems as if she’s hopeful that she’s going to die, and that’s contradictory to what Hyerin is trying to convey. You should clarify this part so that your readers are not confused on what Hyerin is really asking or hopeful for.

Next, there are short fragments that felt odd with the flow of the sentences:

So you keep going deeper. Thinking you’re all good. Thinking you’re doing fine. (Chapter 1)

The way you cut the ideas and the sentence into multiple fragments feels awkward. You can imagine riding in a car and the driver would often hit the breaks so you lurch back and forth abruptly over and over again. That’s what it feels like. Instead of using a full stop or a period, you can use commas and coordinating conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) between the fragments.

Finally, there’s a clear difference in writing style between the first two chapters and the third chapter. In the first two chapters, the mood was more somber and reflective. In chapter 3, the mood suddenly became comedic, and the dialogue became almost immature/teenager-ish [which I discussed in Characterization]. In the first two chapters, Hyerin treated the news that she has cancer like it was a diseased dog. She wanted nothing to do with it, and she couldn’t make sense of it all. When she told Jaehwan, she struggled to get it out, and she couldn’t believe it still.

However, in the third chapter [which I assume happened within the same day or the next day], you have Hyerin acting like she’s fine and joking with Young Ah. She’s telling her to “sit her down” and Young Ah is panicking with “this is so awful!” The shift in writing style could be because of the time gap (in your writingP between the first two chapters and the third chapter, but a shift in style can be confusing, and Young Ah’s reaction then felt insincere. While I understand that Young Ah is panicking, her teenager-ish dialogue seems uncharacteristic and almost sarcastic in the scene. When you say panicking, I thought Young Ah would ask a million questions to understand the situation and to know that it is real instead of simply stating that it’s “not cool.”

Flow {9/10}
The flow in your story is all right. I do understand that the flow would be slow in the first few chapters since it presents background on the characters and the situation. You can speed up pace and give your readers something to look forward to by either ending chapters on a cliffhanger or giving new/surprising information. For example, in chapter 1, you created a cliffhanger by hiding the content of the text that Minho sent. That ending creates interest. Chapters 2 and 3 do not have this gripping end, so your readers might not have more interest in moving forward.

Presentation {5/5}
The poster is aesthetically pleasing, and the font on the poster is so pretty. The colors are light but still angsty. The expressions on the pictures of the characters also bring out the somber mood of the story.

The text for your story is easy to read. The size is good. I didn’t find any jarring blocks of text, which is a plus. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment {+1}
Personally, the flow of the story was too slow for me. While their backgrounds were slowly building in the chapters, I kept trying to find what happens next or when the story would pick up. I didn’t feel that urgency that one would have when they find out that they’re about to die. This is understandable though, since Hyerin is still trying to understand her situation. Truthfully, my attention span just isn’t that great so the pacing made it hard for me to keep my focus on the story.The change in dialogue style in chapter 3 also threw me off. I did like how maturely the news was handled in the first two chapters, so when chapter 3 came out, I got surprised, and the dialogue felt weird to me.

[I was supposed to post this review earlier, but when your story updated, I had to take some time to read chapter 3 and include my thoughts in the review. ^^]


Overall: 78/100

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