Genre(s): Action, angst, drama, and romance

Status: On-going [Ten chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization



Title {5/5}
The title is definitely unique and catchy! It has that action and mystery vibe that can draw in readers. I can also see how the title relates to the story since it was hinted in your story how Baekhyun would be the “guilty knight.” Good job!

Description and Foreword {7/10}
As for Description, you do give the basic information about the plot. However, it doesn’t sound exciting by the end. The blurb doesn’t have that “I must click the ‘Next’ button to find out what’s next!” factor. The issue that I see is that you simply tell readers what happens in the first part of the story, almost as if you’re simply handing them the information, and you do not present the conflict that the protagonists have to face. This feels like the story is over. The four men are protecting her, so there’s nothing to fear! Four men were assigned to keep Jangmi safe, so what? What happens then? What is the conflict that they all must address? What is at stake with this development?

Next, the flow of the sentences in the Description is awkward:

Jangmi had always thought her life was hard until she accidentally witnessed a presidential candidate putting a bullet through someone’s head and the next thing she knew, a flock of gangsters wanted her dead. And her life turned out to be harder than she would ever imagine.

In the excerpt above, the first sentence is wordy, and then the sentence sentence is too short or is cut awkwardly. I do suggest restructuring both sentences. You can cut the first sentence after “someone’s head” and merge the second part of the sentence to “And her life turned out to be harder than she would ever imagine.” Here is a revised version of the excerpt:

Jangmi had always thought her life was hard until she accidentally witnessed a presidential candidate putting a bullet through someone’s head. The next thing she knew, a flock of gangsters wanted her her dead, and her life turned out to be harder than she would ever imagine.

The flow of the sentences in the revised version feels smoother because both sentences are not too long or too short.

A minor concern that I found in your writing is that you placed the excerpt from the story in the Description, and that can make the Description look longer than it is. Long Descriptions can scare readers away because it seems that the story is too complicated or reading the Description would be too much of a bore. I do suggest that you place the excerpt from the story in your Foreword instead. The last concern (minor) that I saw is that you have a character profile in your Foreword. Are character profiles necessary? This is still up to debate, but unless the tidbits in the profile are parts that are not said or stated in the story, they kind of seem redundant and unnecessary.

Plot {22/30}
The plot is really intriguing. There are a lot of bodyguard-centered fics in AFF, but it is interesting that your focus is more on having the protagonist as a witness who needs people to keep her hidden and safe. The plot really embodies this action-packed, thriller story that would get readers on the edge of their seats and wishing to learn more about what happens next. Also, the plot point of trying to take down a presidential candidate and an influential person would capture a lot of readers’ attention. Good job!

I do have some qualms about certain points and holes in the story that made the story feel a bit cliche and unrealistic:

Even if Jangmi has witnessed the crime, she did not carry evidence nor is she a powerful figure in society. Even if she does go to the media to share what she had seen, (a) the media might not believe her because she doesn’t have any solid proof and (b) the presidential candidate can easily silence the media with money. This is the same case with police. With no hard evidence, why would the presidential candidate even bother with her? Why would she need protection? Who would believe her? Unless she has a picture or a recording saved on her phone or she has some power or standing in society (like being a trusted journalist or a well-known something), she isn’t worth enough money to guard that closely or to kill with that much dedication. Her words can be easily dismissed as hearsay especially since she’s going against a big figure in society.

Following that line of thought, why would the presidential candidate decide to kill her first? That wouldn’t be a logical action to do. Even if you say that it was a split-second decision by Assemblyman Kim, the first logical thing to do is to capture a witness, not kill them. After that, he could have silenced her by either bribing her or threatening her. The two options here would have been the most likely action when confronting a witness. Since Assemblyman Kim is also a powerful figure, he could have easily “deleted” her in the sense that she would be packing her bags and never heard of again. Killing a witness risks so many things, especially if they do not know anything about the witness.

Also...baseball bats? In chapter 1, the men surrounding the victim are holding baseball bats, then one of the men hands Assemblyman Kim a gun. If they have a gun, why would they be holding baseball bats? Apart from it being cliche (something you would only see in cartoons and old movies), it’s also illogical and unnecessary. They have guns--an efficient weapon that people can easily conceal. You can’t properly conceal a bat, it would take a couple of hard hits to completely kill someone, and hitting someone with a bat risks being seen and heard by civilians. I think if you saw a group of men walking around with baseball bats (and who do not look like they’re part of the local high school baseball team) or running after a girl with baseball bats, you wouldn’t hesitate to call authorities or tell someone about this weird and suspicious sight.

Next, why is Assemblyman Kim there when the victim had to be killed? He could simply order people to kill the man so that his hands wouldn’t get dirty or he wouldn’t be linked to the crime. It seems pretty illogical to show himself or be in the scene of the crime when he knows he has a reputation to uphold. A presidential candidate seen with gang members? Not something anyone would just go “Nah, must be my eyes playing tricks on me!” He could have simply paid the gang to get rid of the man while he does his paperwork or something. This kind of structure that I pointed out is similar to a mafia’s. There is the don who is the head of the family and the decision-maker; he doesn’t get his hands dirty (unless necessary), and the primary objective the the people under the don is to protect him. The don has soldiers and capos to do his dirty work, and if they’re caught, the don can feign innocence.

A man as powerful and carefully watched by the public as Assemblyman Kim being around the scene of a crime is stupid decision to make on his part, and I honestly did not see Assemblyman Kim as someone sloppy enough to make a mistake like that when he’s able to garner a lot of public affection through deceit and lies.

All of these issues show two main bits about the scene in chapter 1: it’s cliche (reminiscent of old 90’s cartoons that have bad interpretations of gangs and mafia) and it’s illogical/unrealistic. The scene looks like it’s made for convenience to get the story going. Jangmi just conveniently saw a group of bad men (with baseball bats that they somehow carried without alarming anyone) and Assemblyman Kim killing a person in an alleyway (which is between two buildings that I assume are either for public use or residential) in Seoul (which does have a nightlife, so people are still walking around and can hear a gunshot no matter if the gun has a suppressor [suppressors do not wholly block out gunshot sounds]), and she ran away from the men through the streets (which are conveniently empty enough except for Baekhyun).

[To be honest, I find the scene in chapter 1 hilarious because it does remind me of those old cartoons where gangs chase people with their clubs as if no one can see them with those. Hilarious probably shouldn’t be the vibe that you would want to go for in an action scene.]

There are also smaller parts that are unrealistic or downright odd. In chapter 1, you have this:

With a swift move, the rude customer kicked the coke can upwards, caught it with his hand, and threw it powerfully towards the black-suited man’s hand like how a ninja threw his shuriken, disarming the guy. The gun flew in the air and the gangster clutched his hand which was hit with the flying coke can, wincing in pain.

Uhm. Coke cans are made out of aluminum, and the coke can that he threw was empty because the contents spilled when Jangmi bumped into him. Empty aluminum cans, no matter how hard you throw them, cannot disarm a man and make a gun fly in the air. [When they’re empty, they really don’t hurt that much. They’re made out of thin material and are lightweight.] It can shock a person, yes, but disarm a person to the point that the gun flies into the air? Not likely. Also, the target is a moving body, and somehow Baekhyun was able to hit the man’s hand. The man’s hand is a small area that would need really good eyesight, skill, and accuracy to hit, especially since the man is moving and carrying a gun pointed at them.

Moreover, since the gun is pointed at Baekhyun and Jangmi, the man’s hand is partially hidden or shielded by the gun. Baekhyun had a better chance of hitting the gun than the man’s hand unless Baekhyun somehow managed to throw the can in a way that it would curve while traveling in the air to hit the side of the man’s hand.

Furthermore, the simile that you used, throwing the can like a shuriken, is not a likeness that is logical or easy to imagine. The way you hold a shuriken is between your fingers [since they are pretty thin, and you use either a pinch grip or a trigger grip] and you throw it in a way that it would spin fast to achieve a straight throw and hope that the pointed parts of the star lodge into either the enemy or a nearby structure to create a distraction. It uses a straight, forward throw rather than a sort of curved baseball throw that you would use when throwing anything the size of a baseball. [With shuriken, you aim more for accuracy rather than power]

Holding a coke can doesn’t need a specific grip like a shuriken would, and it doesn’t need to spin fast. Furthermore, an aluminum can does not have any pointed parts, so it doesn’t lodge into anything and a straight throw would be useless [as I’ve also stated in the previous paragraph, you can’t hit the man’s hand since the gun is in the way]. With the size that the can has, you would need to use a curved throw rather than a straight throw.

[I do admit that this discussion on the coke can throw seems really nit-picky, but even when I asked friends of mine to look over this excerpt (and they don’t have as much knowledge on shuriken as I do), they also thought that it was weird.]

Another plot point of convenience is Jangmi knowing instantly that the men who chased after her are members of a gang after seeing only one tattoo on a man. Anyone can have tattoos, and not every person who has a tattoo is part of a gang. For gangs, they can have a tattoo as an identifier or a symbol, but every member must have them. Jangmi only saw one person have a tattoo, so how can she already assume that the person is part of a gang? It was never stated that she had intimate knowledge about gangsters or gangs so the speed at which she knew that the tattoo was for a gang is a point of convenience and not that easy to believe. [And she was so sure as well when in chapter 3, she told the chief that it was a gang.]

Next, why they use a red sports car? It’s too easy to spot even at night. Even if they stay at a hotel penthouse with an underground or basement parking, the car is too easy to see in a sea of cars. Also, unless Chanyeol took out his license plates (which is highly illegal) or left the car somewhere else, it would be easy to follow and trace the car. Only a small population would own a red sports car, so you only need to look at records to find the owner of the car.

You could choose more discreet cars that are still fast, have Chanyeol ditch the car [though you can still trace it back to Chanyeol because, again, it’s a red, expensive sports car], or state that the car isn’t bought in the Korean market [bought internationally which makes them harder to trace (not impossible, but still difficult)]. Though I understand that having this brightly-colored car would give more support to Chanyeol’s characterization, I would think that he would be more cautious and focused on his job [and not blowing his cover], so he wouldn’t choose a flashy car as a getaway ride or a car for chasing people.

[In regards to cars, there are models in the industry that are functional and fast without being too flashy. All you need is research (Luckily enough, I actually did research fast cars before for a fic idea that I had). You can go for a dark 2016 Nissan GT-R. It has a three mode system with an R-mode for racing. It can reach 196 mph, and it can reach 0 to 60 mph in just three seconds. It doesn’t look flashy like a sports car, and it’s a four-seater. You have an Audi R8 Coupe which, while it is two-seater, can reach up to 205 mph at top speed. It can go 0 to 100 mph in 3.2 seconds. It’s fast, but it has more of that stylish, sports car feel without being too flashy.

I would like to recommend a McLaren P1 because of its small size and speed or a dark Bugatti Chiron, but those are...too flashy. Yes, the two cars that I mentioned are sports cars, but if you choose a dark color like black or gunmetal grey, they won’t be as easy to sport as a red sports car.

To be honest, when you said red sports car, the immediate image that popped into my head is a red Ferrari, and though it is fast, it is so easy to spot and identify from other cars because of its signature look. It’s also easy to trace since Ferraris are a sort status symbol, and not many people have enough money to own a Ferrari.]

Lastly, you have this dialogue line from Jongin:

“Don’t worry. I bring mine, too. And I’m practically invincible now with my bulletproof vest. Also, don’t you know what I do for a living?” (Chapter 5)

This is not true. Bulletproof vests aren’t really bulletproof. They’re more of bullet-resistant. The way that they work is that the layers of padding or plates within the vest slow down the bullet once it enters the material and disperses the trauma throughout the area covered by the vest. It depends on the type of vest that Jongin is wearing. Most bulletproof vests that are more police-grade and civilian-grade are only resistant to handguns, not knives or rifles. There are vests for soldiers (and these are more resistant to higher caliber guns and rifles), but those have heavier plates and a bulkier look that no one can ignore when walking in the streets of Korea.

You can still get shot, and even if the vest stopped the bullet, the person would still feel the trauma. There might even be internal damage, depending on the weight and the speed of the bullet and the level of the vest. When Jongin got shot not once but twice, he should have been rushed to the hospital to check any internal damages that the force of the bullet could have inflicted on him [assuming that he has a high-level vest. Even though it does have higher resistance, the trauma could still do some damage if he isn’t careful]. After that, he would have to replace his vest (both plates and carrier).

Overall, you have a great foundation in your story, but the execution is a bit wonky and there are certain parts that are not that easy to believe (especially for a person who has basic knowledge about weapons, fighting, and crime). Your readers might get the wrong ideas from your story regarding how gangs work or how bulletproof vests work. Perhaps you should do a bit more research on gangs, fighting, weapons, spying devices, and armor to make your story more believable and realistic as possible. Don’t just rely on what the media shows!

[There are tinier details and technicalities that I picked up that are somewhat concerning to me, but including them here would just be too nit-picky and this section is already long enough. If you want to know what these concerns are or if you want to discuss them, you can comment below or PM me ^^. I’m open to discussing them with you.]

Characterization {12/15}
For Jangmi, she’s definitely not flat as a character. She’s brave, almost to the point of being reckless, has a sense of justice, and a good person. The trauma of hitting a person with a car consistently scared her to the point that she has nightmares about it, and I do commend you on being consistent in showing this trauma. However, you might be in danger of making Jangmi too perfect or unrealistic. I know that the flaw that she has is being reckless, but the way that others react to this flaw as if it is something that should be praised. An example is when Jangmi climbed out of the front seat of a speeding car to take off a transmitter in chapter 10 and Chanyeol’s response is “Even though what you did was horribly reckless…” and then full of praises. It seems as if your character can do no wrong, and that’s not how humans work. The consequences of her actions are close to none.

The same concern can be shown for Baekhyun’s character. He’s almost too good to be true! He’s a smart hacker, the “best in the field,” who can fight (he made it out of the fight in chapter 2 with no wounds while Jongin got really bruised up) and has deadly aim. While others have certain specialties, he seems to be the one who has it all, and that doesn’t seem realistic. Furthermore, he doesn’t have much a character aside from being this distant but cool person who goes soft on the leading lady for some unknown reason. He seems like your typical overly-perfect male lead, who has that “grumpy” or “gruff” phase to appear cold and distant at first, with a dark past but actually has a heart of gold and is perfect at everything. [This description sort of reminds me of Edward Cullen, to be honest, and I don’t think that’s what you’re going for? ^^’]

As for the other characters, I do see that they each have characteristics that separate one from the other. Jongin is playful, cheerful, flirty, and likes to tease people. Chanyeol is a prideful chatterbox who feels shy around girls and has the appetite of three men. Junmyeon is level-headed and refined. They also have their own backgrounds. For the side characters, I do think that you did a good job in giving them more than just one trait so that the readers can enjoy learning about the characters and their involvement in the story.

[Quick question: Why doesn’t Jongin conceal the vest? Although I do understand that there is symbolism behind his vest and it means something to Jongin, having it worn outside of clothing and visible to the people around him can raise alarm and make it easier to identify him. You don’t really see random people wearing bulletproof vests walking around casually. Though it would still look bulky, the vest can be worn under layers of clothing, but that’s better than alarming people when they see someone jogging with a bullet proof vest. Furthermore, Kevlar or bulletproof vests are hot and a bit constricting, so wearing it every second of the day is not doable for people unless the vests are the lightweight versions or lower levels (but those versions offer limited resistance). You can still have the symbolism with the vest, but be careful not to show readers that these vests can be worn anywhere and everywhere without facing any consequences.]

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {14/15}
You scored yourself with an “average” in English fluency, but honestly, I couldn’t find major patterns of error in your writing. Keep up the good work! The only issue that I did find in your writing is your word choice. I took off one point because the word choice does affect the understanding of the ideas and the story.

Word choice:

As if it wasn’t confusing enough, they said those were their secret occupations, which meant they had other occupations for their camouflage. (Chapter 3)

Camouflage is not the right term to use here. Camouflage is the use of cloth, coloration, and light to conceal something or someone. The image that pops into mind with “camouflage” is the use of shades of green and brown, like in the army uniforms, to make soldiers indistinguishable from the terrain. I think a more accurate term to use that means an attempt to conceal something such as a double-life is cover-up or cover.

Here is another part that has this issue:

Chanyeol continued, “Master Yixing was born in China. He’s practically unbeatable in Chinese martial arts. Especially kung fu! He has a kung fu dojo back in China. A lot of students attend his classes. And also, many producers asked him to be in their action movies because his moves are simply cool!” (Chapter 9)

In its original meaning, kung fu can refer to any discipline or skill achieved through hard work and practice, not necessarily martial arts (or Chinese martial arts). Kung fu is a vague and general term for many disciplines. You can say that someone’s kung fu is great cooking or table tennis. In no way does kung fu mean Chinese martial arts. I think the proper term for that is zhōngguó wǔshù or what we know as wǔshù.

Furthermore, a dojo is a Japanese term for practice halls that are specifically for Japanese martial arts such as karate, judo, and aikido. Since you mentioned above that Yixing’s focus is Chinese martial arts and he learned this from China, it would be inaccurate to call their practice hall a dojo. I think in Mandarin, a Chinese equivalent of a dojo would be “wu guan” or “wu kwan.”

Writing Style {9/10}
Your writing is simple and straight to the point without sacrificing descriptiveness. You give just enough description so that readers can imagine actions, things, and surroundings. Your writing style works well with an action and fast-paced story because the writing does not interfere with the pace and comprehension of the story. Good job!

The only minor concern that I can point out is that you have parts where you over-exaggerate:

Before taking a right turn to go out from the alley, she looked back and saw them fight – Baekhyun was kicking someone in the face and Jongin was throwing someone over his shoulder like a professional judo athlete. It definitely wasn’t a sight that you saw every day. It’s a horrifying bloodbath. (Chapter 2)

Describing the scene as a “horrifying bloodbath” is kind of exaggerated and would not make sense. Unless the gangsters shot Jongin and Baekhyun when Jangmi looked, I cannot see how it would be a bloodbath. Also, a judo throw can give bruises, but unless the man who was thrown by Jongin impaled on something, he wouldn’t bleed. You should make sure that you do not over-exaggerate scenes because the scenes can become unrealistic or contradictory to how you wrote them.

[I think this is also where the issue with throwing the coke can like a shuriken partially lies. The throw was exaggerated to the point that it sounds unrealistic.]

Flow {9/10}
As for flow, I think the flow of the story fits the genre. It’s fast-paced without being overwhelming. I like how each chapter tackles a small conflict! This keeps readers invested and interested in the story, and each chapter has something that the characters have to overcome. I do find though that the pacing for the plot point of taking down the presidential candidate a bit slow. Right now, the characters aren’t doing much to gather information. The ten chapters are mostly focused on keeping Jangmi safe, but we don’t see a development on the larger scale problem at hand that the plot points of keeping Jangmi safe and something going wrong kind of repetitive.

Presentation {4/5}
When it comes to your poster, I felt like it doesn’t fit the action vibe of your story. Your poster a softer, angstier feel with the use of greys that doesn’t connect with the fast-paced, action-packed storyline. If I saw the poster without knowing the story that it’s for, I would think that the story is a light romance or angst/tragedy. [I also would have thought that it would be wolf!au because of the moons lol]

Moving on, I do commend you for your neat chapters, readable-size text, and lack of heavy paragraphs!

Overall Enjoyment {+4}
Overall, I did enjoy the story. I liked learning about the different characters in the team, and the story did get me on the edge of my seat while wondering how the group will be able to take down a presidential candidate when they do not have any evidence. I also wonder how Jangmi will be able to fit into all of this planning instead of just being someone being protected on the side. My only concern is the realism of some of the scenes and the inciting incident [as discussed in Plot]. Writing fight scenes and talking about gangs needs a lot of research so you don’t use an inaccurate term or image, and using exaggerated or cliched points or attacks/counterattacks does make me feel like the scenes are too convenient or not as real as I would like it to be. I do recommend research, as I’ve stated before. Understand and learn how organized crime, weapons, and fighting works and how it can be written realistically to provide a better experience for your readers.


Overall: 86/100

Thank you for requesting from the shop! Make sure to credit the shop in your Foreword using the banner and send the karma points to the owner.