Genre(s): Angst, comedy, romance, romcom, and supernatural

Status: Complete [Five chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Flow



Title {3/5}
The title rolls off the tongue easily, and it relates to the story. However, there are many variations of that title that it isn’t unique or eye-catching. Potential readers might not be interested in the story since they will not know what’s different with this red strings/soulmate AU. Perhaps you can use the idea of defying fate or defying the red strings (the twist in your story) to make the title more unique.

Description and Foreword {7/10}
As for the Description, you did provide the basic background of the story regarding the red string and Yerin’s ability, but other elements of the story are not presented there. It seems that the blurb is lacking the inciting incident and the plot. Yerin can see the red string and believes that people can defy it, then what? So what? What happens in the story? Where does the story start? What does Yerin have to address or face regarding the red strings of fate? Providing information about what will happen in your story will entice readers to know how your story will play out or how it will end.

As for your Foreword, I found your Foreword neat and simple. I do see how the prompts relate to your story, and they do give a small teaser on what themes the story will contain. In regards to the poster on your award [Congrats on this, by the way!], the size can become overwhelming. It looks as if it is bigger than your poster. Perhaps you should resize the poster so that it does not distract your readers.

Plot {24/30}
The premise of soulmates and the red strings of fate is a premise that I’ve already seen in fanfics. Although, the idea of the protagonist believing that you can defy this red string of fate is refreshing. The problem here is that this new take is not emphasized in the plot [and with the character, which I will discuss in Characterization]. Honestly, after reading the Description, I thought that the protagonist would strongly believe that people should choose their own fate and, when her destined lover is shown, she will do everything in her power to defy this destiny, but your plot is more focused on the usual romance formula in stories: love interest shows himself, protagonist tries to deny her feelings, rival appears, and protagonist suddenly realizes her feelings. The difference is that Yerin does nothing because of the conflict of misunderstanding.

Misunderstandings and miscommunications are always used in stories to create more drama, but these conflicts can be done tastefully or distastefully. The miscommunication in the story almost seems childish because everything could be solved by asking a simple question “Do you like me?” or being adults and being honest. Seriously, everything could have been avoided if that question was asked, and everyone actually had the balls to answer.

Yerin stated in Chapter 5 that she loved Chan Yeol all the while telling Hee Jin to go for it “if you like him.” She doesn’t even take her own advice and avoids Chan Yeol after noticing that he’s hanging out with another girl. Can he not have any friends who are girls? He already told Yerin that Hee Jin was not his girlfriend. Yerin chose to not believe this and continue being jealous in a corner when she does absolutely nothing to gain Chan Yeol’s affections. Chan Yeol at least tries. They both keep their issues in and create more misunderstanding by lying and avoiding each other, and it all becomes frustrating to the point that the characters do not seem like mature adults.

They have every opportunity to make the relationship work, but they’re just dancing around the idea and avoiding each other--or more accurately, just Yerin avoiding Chan Yeol and being jealous in a corner. It’s not even that an outside force is keeping them apart, as shown when Hee Jin tells Yerin that she wouldn’t be in the way if she would just state that she likes Chan Yeol, but it’s just that they don’t want to talk it out like adults because Yerin believes that she couldn’t be there for Chan Yeol. She never tried, so how would she know? She never tried pushing her boundaries and actually being there no matter what. Her decision to “free” Chan Yeol from his fate would been stronger or more solid if she had a moment to try and be there for him, pushing her limits, and it still wasn’t enough [either she couldn’t help Chan Yeol or the thread becomes wacky].

Yerin is not the only one at fault as well. Chan Yeol keeps it all in, which I understood when it came to his feelings about his parents’ conflicts since that is a personal matter and he knows that Yerin would get hurt. When it came to chapter 5 where he keeps it a secret that he saw Yerin, it is unclear why he would keep it a secret or why he did not call out to her when he already saw that she made it a point to show up [as evidenced by her torn dress and destroyed shoes]. You could say that it’s because he doesn’t want to traumatize her because of what happened to his parents, but when Hee Jin told Yerin how Chan Yeol’s father fled, she didn’t lose her or faint or anything that bad.

Furthermore, she and Chan Yeol never fought, and it is in my understanding that Yerin’s trauma comes from when soulmates fight and the string becomes this weird weapon, but that never happened, and being sad doesn’t make the thread bad either. I seriously thought that the whole sacrificial love decision would come after Yerin and Chan Yeol fights, and Chan Yeol sees for himself how harmful their love could be. However, this was never shown, so it feels like his decision of letting Yerin “free” is just a silly excuse for him so that he wouldn’t hurt himself or a reason that does not have a solid foundation.

I do find the ending of Yerin and Chan Yeol deciding to stay as friends a great, new take for these soulmate AUs. Most of the time, the protagonist does end up with the love interest or soulmate. However, I do question whether the ending would be the right ending or an ending that the characters deserve. Their ending of choosing to stay as friends so that the other does not get hurt is a sound ending, but then none of them are happy [which shows that their choices did not reap the best results. Their choices were on the basis of making the other happy, but in the ending, they weren’t that happy or they never mentioned that they were happy]. There was no resolution where they have a grand realization about each other. You can see how they still yearn for each other and wish that they had ended up with each other [which isn’t bad], but things are not resolved at all. [I have a feeling that this is why some of your readers can’t accept the ending. It feels like a cop out because none of their conflicts were resolved. They’re just...hurting.]

I am kind of confused on the concept of “fate” in the story. Some characters there believe in destiny, and Yerin believes in fate partially, especially since she could see the strings. Personally, when it comes to soulmates, I think that everyone does have a soulmate, but the soulmate is only the optimum or the best choice that a person can have as a partner. In your story though, it seems as if you liken soulmates to fate itself, and there lies the problem. When we speak of fate and destiny, it’s a solid plan. X ends up in Y, and no matter how much you turn things around, X will always end up with Y. Therefore, the concept of “defying” fate is confusing, because you can’t really defy it [hence why other people claim that there is no such thing as fate or destiny or strings of fate], This problem came up from Hyun Mi’s reply to Yerin:

Hyung Mi just grinned proudly at the compliment. “If you like Chan Yeol, then embrace him as your soulmate. And if you don’t, then defy fate and don’t get jealous when he defies you.” (Chapter 4)

Again, they liken soulmates to destined lovers, which are two different things (according to basic definition). The strings of fate are for those who are destined to be lovers regardless of place, time, or circumstances. Soulmates are about compatibility. They are people who is the most compatible to a person. So, it is confusing in where the boundaries in your story lie. You made it seem as if soulmates are destined for each other. Then in that case, Hyun Mi and Woo Hyun will break up sooner or later whether either one of them finds their real soulmate, and no matter what happens, Yerin and Chan Yeol will be together in the future.

After reading some articles, it seems that the red string of fate is more focused on destined lovers rather than actual soulmates. The old Chinese folklore shows that the young lovers reunited in the end, but soulmates were never mentioned in the story. I do wish that this could be cleared up in the story.

[I also wish there were more thought or discussion on how real “destiny” and “fate” is in your story since this is a great topic and it can get really deep when we talk about the absence or presence of fate and how it weaves into life. It also gives more perspective about our world.]

Next, the way the ending was written was confusing. Let’s take a look at how you ended your story:

“Hwang Yerin and Park Chan Yeol were soulmates.

Therefore, they chose to defy all odds and go against fate.

Because they chose to love each other.” (Chapter 5)

This problem could be because of word choice or the confusion between fate and soulmates (as mentioned earlier). In your story they are fated or tied together, so simply loving each other wouldn’t go against all odds or go against fate. What they did to go against “fate” in a way is to not be together, so the ending line of “Because they chose to love each other” can be confusing. Perhaps if it was worded in a way to show that they sacrificed their relationship because of love, then the ending would become clearer.

Also, I felt like there was a more dramatic or gripping way to end the story, like Yerin stating that she’s happy for Chan Yeol or something like that. However, the ending just reiterates what has happened in the story [which can become redundant or unnecessary since your readers will be able to pick up the importance of choice in the story], and the drama or suspense kind of flatlined at the end. The drama was rising when they met each other again, and Yerin and Chan Yeol talked about who Chan Yeol’s soulmate was, but then the long explanation at the end killed the drama.

Personally, I thought the story would have ended in a more dramatic or gripping manner if it stopped after Chan Yeol admitted that knowing his soulmate would have changed nothing. The explanation would come before the dialogue, and you can end it with “No, it wouldn’t have changed everything” to solidify the explanation of choices. Plus, the wait for Chan Yeol’s answer would have created suspense, and to end it on his decision would be more gripping.

Lastly, in your story, it was never mentioned or shown how Yerin got this ability to see the red strings of fate. It almost seemed like the ability was a point of convenience since it was never explained fully. Ta-dah! Main character has an ability that has no discernable source! Furthermore, Yerin never questioned where the ability comes from. Is it a hereditary thing? Is there lore that says one person in every century acquires this ability? Did she ingest some sort of mystical rock when she was a baby that gave her this ability? Are there other people that have this ability? Showing the background of an ability or power will strengthen the logic behind the ability and give more of an explanation of how the world in your story works [especially if they do live in a world where there are others who can see this red string of fate].

Characterization {11/15}
Firstly, Yerin’s belief on love and fate [as shown in the Description of our story] kind of contradicts her trauma and reactions. She believes that everyone has a choice regarding their fate [in the Description, it clearly states that Yerin believes “people have a choice to defy it and go against all odds"], but when people want to divorce (like in chapter 2) or separate, she becomes emotional, and she doesn’t want people to fight. Like I’ve stated in Plot, after reading the description, I thought she would be more headstrong about people defying fate. Beliefs would always influence how characters act or react, but we don’t see this much with Yerin until her final decision to leave and encourage Hee Jin to pursue Chan Yeol.

This belief is also shown only as a small glimpse when, in chapter 4, Yerin has this outburst and says “No, it won’t! Sometimes I just wished everyone could end up with someone other than their soulmate to maintain the peace. At least I won’t be scared when non-soulmates fight. Just like you and Woo Hyun!” But again, she only said “sometimes” so it’s not a clear conviction.

Chan Yeol does appear as that goofy, happy-go-lucky boy. You can see how he’s very caring, and he tries his best to make sure to make everyone, even himself, happy though there are sad moments. This characterization is well-rounded, and you can see this until the very end when he keeps everything to himself for the sake of making sure that the people around him aren’t sad.

When it comes to character development, it seems like Yerin did not develop as a character. She’s still hiding behind her trauma, she never took things into her own hands, she still avoids her problems, and she’s still the same by the end. Her views on soulmates or fate did not change. I couldn’t seem to find any change in Yerin that would round-up her character or give more depth to her character.

Another concern is that there are too many side characters. Why do you need so many couples? Including the new girls in the other room, there are way too many characters that do not add to the story at all, and this can overwhelm your readers. What do Bi Ah and Taemin add here? Out of all the side characters, I thought that Hyun Mi was the only one who added to the story or pushed the story forward by imparting knowledge to Yerin. The others were simply there for comic relief or peer pressure. Comic relief is not bad, but adding too many characters to do that is overwhelming.

Finally, the side characters like Hee Jin and Seung Cheol are flat. They’re both really nice, but then what? What other traits do they have? This concern has more weight on Hee Jin since she is a deciding factor for Yerin’s decision in the end. Hee Jin’s your typical overly nice character, but she doesn’t have any other characteristics. It seems like she was only placed there for the sole purpose of Yerin having someone to be jealous over. This is also the same with Seung Cheol since he was only placed there for the sole purpose of being a rebound [in a way] and a target for jealousy. He merely confirms the fact that Yerin likes Chan Yeol. Both Hee Jin and Seung Cheol have the potential for growth or the potential to have deeper characters, but these potentials were not reached or explored.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {14/15}
There are only a few issues that I could spot. Though that would normally warrant no deduction from the score, I did take out one point because the issue with Word Choice can confuse readers on how the story plays out. Let’s take a look at the issues found in the story:

1. Word Choice:

“Yes! That’s exactly my thought!” Yerin squealed, glad that someone finally understood her point of view. (Chapter 1)

“Squealed” might not be the right term here. To squeal means to let out a long, high-pitched cry. The dialogue seems to long for someone to squeal. Words like “exclaimed” or “shouted” might work better with the sentence.

“Have you no appreciation towards almonds, you bitter old lady? They’re the best!” Chan Yeol pouted at her cynically.

In the excerpt above, you described Chan Yeol’s pout with “cynically.” How do you pout at someone cynically? The word “cynically” means “in a way that is concerned only with one's own interests and disregards accepted standards in order to achieve them.” Perhaps you can omit the word “cynically” or find a more accurate term to describe Chan Yeol’s pout. Furthermore, the dialogue doesn’t seem to match with the speaker tag. The ending of the dialogue has an exclamation point, and Chan Yeol is declaring that almonds are the best, but then you have him pouting in the tags. To pout would mean to push one’s lip out to look sad or petulantly annoyed, but that seems hard to imagine when he’s exclaiming about the awesomeness of almonds.

2. Sentence Clarity:

“Where are Chan Yeol and Hee-Jin?” She tried asking as casual as possible, not to let Bi Ah notice the slight stutter in her voice.

The structure of the sentence, when it comes to “not to let Bi Ah notice the slight stutter in her voice.” makes the idea unclear and the sentence awkward. The part that I’ve highlighted does not connect well with “she tried asking as casual as possible.” Here is a revised version where I changed some words to make the sentence flow better:

“Where are Chan Yeol and Hee Jin?” she tried asking as casual as possible so that Bi Ah does not notice the slight stutter in her voice.

Another example is this:

The tranquil string began to shoot to all sorts of direction in a more angled motion, almost like drawing the sharp edges of a thunderbolt using red light. (Chapter 1)

What makes the sentence confusing is that readers don’t know what the red string began to shoot in all sorts of directions. What began to shoot to all sorts of directions? The sides of the strings?

3. Subject-verb Agreement:

One’s choices was going to determine his or her future.

The subject “choices” does not agree with the verb “was” since the subject is plural while the verb is singular. You should make sure that your subjects and verbs agree with each other. Here is a revised version of the sentence:

One’s choices were going to determine his or her future.

Writing Style {8/10}
For your writing style, overall, you have simple writing style that effectively delivers ideas across. The flashback at the end of your fic where Chan Yeol mulls over past interactions with Yerin also effectively helped in creating angst for the story and logic for Chan Yeol’s reply. There are three minor concerns that I found with your writing: informal punctuation marks, parts that do not connect or make sense, and parts that are contradictory.

Firstly, you used some informal punctuation marks and used some punctuation marks informally. You used the tilde (~) here:

“We thought you might say that, so we got Chan Yeol oppa to accompany you~” (Chapter 1)

The tilde is usually used to denote accent and logic (in mathematics), and it is sometimes a part of URLs. Using a tilde in a story as an ending punctuation mark is informal and confusing. Don’t be a lazy writer who uses punctuation marks like these to show emotion. You can use speech tags (he said or she said) or use an exclamation point (!) instead.

Speaking of exclamation points, I did find that there are times where you use exclamation points excessively. Not only is it informal, but an excessive, succeeding use of punctuation marks is not pleasant o the eyes.

“Oooh almonds!!!” Chan Yeol suddenly yelled out loud, though she was standing next to him at a very close proximity.

In the excerpt above, you already used one exclamation point and a tag that showed Chan Yeol yelled loudly, so I don’t think you need more exclamation points. The fact that Chan Yeol was yelling loudly already translates well with the tag.

Next, there are parts that do not connect or make sense.

“Second, it’s only because you seemed so annoyed with me.”

“Which I don’t mind.”

Yerin had replied too quick in that short moment, and Chan Yeol was surprised at her reply. True, Chan Yeol was annoying, but she had grown to love that about him. (Chapter 4)

In the first dialogue line, Chan Yeol states that Yerin is annoyed with him, and Yerin’s response is “Which I don’t mind.” What doesn’t she mind? She doesn’t mind that she’s annoyed with Chan Yeol? This part should be clarified so that readers won’t be confused on what Yerin doesn’t mind and how it connects to Chan Yeol’s reasons why he did not approach Yerin.

Finally, there are parts that are contradictory:

Yerin gave him a sheepish smile, not knowing what to respond to him. Normally she could’ve made a witty remark, but her desire to keep the communication going was almost at the same stage as her desire to avoid Chan Yeol. (Chapter 5)

The part here that is unclear is “but her desire to keep the communication going was almost at the same stage as her desire to avoid Chan Yeol.” Since you used the word “same,” your readers will think that Yerin does want to keep the conversation going, but this contradicts the earlier statement that she did not know what to respond to Seung Cheol.

I took off some points because the issues with the writing style can confuse readers and make comprehending the ideas in the story hard to do.

Flow {7/10}
Generally, the flow of the story is slow. This isn’t that bad, especially when you want to focus on the development of a relationship in the story. However, the flow is slowed down by parts that do not seem necessary to the story or do not contribute to the story. An example of this is the scene where everyone teases Myungsoo because of their late night activities (in chapter 2). Though I understand that parts like the example do add to the light, comedy feeling to the story, it is unclear how parts like these develop the plot or add more to the story. They only prolong the development of the conflict and your readers might wonder when will stuff happen or when will things pick up.

Then, when you reach the end, the pacing becomes quite fast. You have multiple time skips that, when taking the overall pacing of the story into consideration, seems fast and overwhelming. It feels like the last events are squished into one chapter. You can simply choose one main event of the time skip and narrate what happened in the past or use small details to show what has happened in the time that has passed.

Presentation {5/5}
I like the poster. The grey and white emphasize the red in the title. It gives the melancholic theme and vibe that is present in the story. Also, I like how the themes of each chapter are displayed in the chapter title, and they all work cohesively in showing a sort of chronological order of events and themes. There were no jarring blocks of text, and the text size is readable. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment {+2}
I enjoyed the story to an extent. The twist at the end was a refreshing take to the usual soulmate AU, and I did enjoy reading the descriptions regarding the strings of fate. There were certainly parts where I got overwhelmed or confused, especially with the significance of having so many side characters. There were also characters, like Hee Jin and Seung Cheol, whom I was hoping to have more depth. Moreover, love triangles are also not my thing. The love triangle was shown in chapter 5 when Chan Yeol admitted that he didn’t know how to choose between Yerin and Hee Jin. He leads Hee Jin on even though he already had some feelings for Yerin. I also would have enjoyed seeing a background on having the ability of seeing the red strings. You did choose “fantasy” as a genre in the request that you sent me, and the fantasy genre involves a lot of world building and explanations when it came to powers. I was honestly looking forward to understanding Yerin’s ability more, but I did not get that explanation from your story.


Overall: 81/100

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