Genre(s): Angst, romance, and supernatural

Status: On-going [Twenty-four chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization



Title {5/5}
Your title is definitely unique. At first, I thought that it was a grammatical error. After reading the definition in your Description, I found the title poetic and romantic. I have yet to see how it relates to the story since the meaning of the title is pretty general, and it can be applied to any other romance story. However, I do understand that since I’m only tasked to read until the fifth chapter, I might not have a full grasp of the theme that relates to the title yet.

Description and Foreword {6/10}
Your description presents all of the elements needed in a blurb, but it doesn’t sound unique. There are many high school vampire stories in AFF, so your readers might wonder how your story is different from the rest. Perhaps you can make the elements of the plot clearer and more specific in your description. What conflict will the protagonists face? What exactly will “turn everything they know upside down” in their lives? What is at risk with their relationship? What is the subplot?

[Honestly, the blurb in the description reminded me of Twilight, and I’m not sure if that’s what you wanted to go for.]

Plot {23/30}
Honestly, the story [judging by the Description and the five chapters that I read] sounds cliche. It’s your typical high school, vampire romance. The new student comes in hiding a secret (in this case, being a vampire), and the popular student becomes interested. Their worlds “turn upside down.” A rival appears and marks her territory. The vampire is trying to not bite into the main character’s neck in fear that the vampire will lose humanity and become addicted. The vampire and the protagonist have this “magnetic connection” that they can’t explain. You have this rooftop where people want to be alone on. There is a vampire organization that runs the rules of the vampires. It all sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Cliches aren’t wholly bad, but when the story is a big cliche that does not deviate from this cliche, it can become boring or a chore to read.

Your readers will wonder what separates your story from the other vampire stories in AFF or when something new will come up. I do think that the first five chapters in a story is when readers decide whether or not continue reading a story, so the first five chapters should show your readers what makes your story different. For now, the only unique point that I can see is the VPA and the rules that they impose. [Although, this organization still has some similarities with the likes of Volturi from Twilight which creates rules for vampires and takes care of those who disobey rules] This plot point is very intriguing because it is something new that creates curiosity about the people who run VPA, the rules, and the significance of this organization in the plot. I do hope that the VPA has some role in the conflict or provides complications since this will give more uniqueness to the story rather than having a story that is focused just on romance.

Next, I do wonder what about the background of the vampires and where they come from. Is vampirism hereditary? Does biting someone transform someone into a vampire? How did the world suddenly gain vampires? Are they “dead” or just blood-hungry? What is the population of vampires in society? I do hope that this background is given somewhere in the story to provide more depth to world that the story is in.

Lastly, it’s kind of hard to believe for me that Seulgi would be the only vampire in the schools that she has been in [and this is called the “Special One Syndrome” to me]. It has been mentioned in the earlier chapters that Seulgi had to move and change schools because parents found out that she was a vampire and kicked her out. It’s hard to believe that she would be the only vampire kicked out or she never formed a group of friends that are vampires in her old schools. Her parents are vampires, so I assumed that vampirism might be partially hereditary. If that is so, there would be multiple vampire families instead of just solo cases. Since the VPA encourages teen vampires to go to school, it would be logical to think that the student population in schools have more than one vampire. Also, since the VPA encourages vampires to attend school, shouldn’t the schools (mainly, the heads and staff) have an agreement to know which students are vampires (to make sure that their students are safe and to make sure that vampire students are attending school) and the vampires would be safe from being expelled from schools?

It seems like the actions of the VPA are counterproductive to their aim. They want vampires to live safely and for humans and vampires to exist in a sort of friendly/community environment, but all they’re doing is hiding information about vampires and their rules in general. Fear stems from the unknown. When we don’t know about something, that’s when we fear it the most. Banning freedom of speech for vampires and hiding information would make humans more suspicious. Though I understand the logic behind hiding their true abilities, the scene where Seulgi comments that the boy on the YouTube video would be given a punishment for simply telling the difference between humans and vampires sounds off.

[The last concern, I feel, is more targeted on world-building and the logic of the world the story takes place in. It is hard to imagine Seulgi being a lone vampire in the school and the past schools that she has been in, let alone the only kind vampire.

Also, since I’ve read only five chapters from your story, I would understand if I missed things or if the questions that I gave are answered already in the succeeding chapters.]

Characterization {11/15}
Firstly, apart from the cliche description of Jungkook as the “golden boy” and “well-liked,” he doesn’t have any other discernable character traits. He seems kind of flat in character in the first five chapters of the story. You can see that he’s just nice and well-liked, but what else? I do hope that his character is developed more in the latter chapters. What are his other traits? What are his other interests? What are his flaws?

Seulgi is an interesting person and character. Her character is somewhat opposite of the traditional vampire with her loving the sun and having interests like Zion T., but there are still parts that make her character like other vampire transfer student: mysterious, reserved, and more of a loner.

Next, I do hope there would be depth to Irene in the future chapters. She was introduced in the story as a potential love rival, and although she is a side character, Irene still has potential to grow, change, and influence the plot. For now, she’s just your typical, two-faced mean girl who is infatuated with the male lead. What’s different about this love rival?

As for Jimin, he only has a minor part in the first five chapters, so we don’t see his character shine yet. He’s bright and cheerful, and he’s the one who tries to bring Jungkook out of his shell. We often see this cliche dichotomy in stories where the lead is the shy one and the best friend is the bright and bubbly one. I do hope that there would be more depth to this friendship and to Jimin’s character.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {12/15}
There are some patterns of error in your writing that could be addressed with quick proofreading. The patterns or error that I found in the first few chapters in your story are sentence fragments, word choice, verb tense, and subject-verb agreement.

1.Fragment:

Seulgi had been to many schools before. And had to be transferred out many times.(Chapter 02).

In the excerpt above, the fragment is “And had to be transferred out many times.” It is not a complete sentence, and it does not have a subject. I can see that the reason why the second part became a fragment: you used a period between “Seulgi had been to many schools before” and “and had to be transferred out many times.” Since the two parts are both parts of one idea, you should omit the period and merge the two parts into one sentence. Here’s a revised version:

Seulgi had been to many schools before and had to be transferred out many times.

2. Word Choice:

She had begun spinning her soup around, not quite sure she could swallow another bite without wanting to gag. (Chapter 02)

The image of “spinning” her soup would be Seulgi constantly spinning the bowl. You should clarify what exactly Seulgi is “spinning” or find another verb that will make a clear image with the soup. Do you mean that Seulgi began stirring her soup with her spoon?

3. Verb tense:

She had begun spinning her soup around, not quite sure she could swallow another bite without wanting to gag. (Chapter 02)

The verb “had begun” uses past perfect tense, but then for the rest of the chapter, you use simple past tense. Past perfect tense is used to show an action done before another action. Since your story generally uses past tense, you should use “began” instead of “had begun,” especially since in the sentence above, there is no action done before Seulgi began stirring her soup. Stick to one major verb tense in your story!

4. Subject-verb agreement

But there was two sets of eyes watching her, so she tried to scoop up another bit of rice onto her spoon as naturally as she could, placed some soup into the spoon and into . (Chapter 02)

The subject “sets of eyes” does not agree with the verb “was” since the subject is plural while the verb is singular. You should make sure that your subjects and verbs agree with each other. Here is a revised version of the sentence:

But there were two sets of eyes watching her, so she tried to scoop up another bit of rice onto her spoon as naturally as she could, placed some soup into the spoon and into .

Writing Style {9/10}
I like how you started your story with the comparison of human blood and animal blood. Aside from how it is a gripping start, it shows readers the explanation about the rules of feeding for vampires. The prologue created a lot of questions, and it effectively prompts readers to keep reading to find out what was happening in that scene.

The only concern that I have with your writing is that you tend to tell more than show. By doing so, you limit your readers’ imagination or understanding of the situation or scene. For example, in chapter 03, you simply tell your readers the intentions of the VPA about how they thought it was best that humans knew little about vampires. Instead of simply telling your readers this information, you can include this tidbit in dialogue, in a small scene, or in Seulgi’s reflection or reaction.

Flow {8/10}
Overall, the pacing of the story is all right. It’s not too fast or too slow. Because the chapters are short, the story is an easy and fast read. However, Seulgi trusting Jungkook is too fast. Already in chapter 03, Seulgi thought:

He would definitely not have treated her that way, if he knew what she really was and what she was capable of.

It’s too fast since there is no doubt; she used the word “definitely.” It seems like because she was given the melon bread, she already trusts Jungkook when she knows nothing about him. One act of kindness doesn’t already warrant trust. Trust isn’t something easily earned unless you’re friends with someone for a long time or you go through a bonding experience with someone. Seeing this jump in trust is surprising and overwhelming.

Presentation {4/5}
The Description and Foreword are very pleasing to the eye. The use of greys and reds in the font give off a soft feeling, and the red emphasizes “Heartsigh” for the definition. The poster is also aesthetically pleasing and interesting since it is in the style of a moodboard rather than your usual poster style. It gives readers images to look forward to in the story. Good job!

The only concern I have is the font size for the list of your other stories and in your chapters. The font size is small, and it can make it harder for your readers to read the list. I do understand though if you chose a smaller font for your list so that your readers are not distracted from your story, but making letters too small can make words an eyesore.

Overall Enjoyment {+2}
Though I did enjoy reading the story since it is an easy and fast read due to the chapter length, the plot and some of the characters are cliche, so it makes me wonder whether this story would be just like the rest. The Description doesn’t give me much hope since it shows the basic formulas present in usual high school vampire AUs. What is different? How does your story rise above the rest? The only part that interested me is the prologue, but the rest fell flat.

The test that I’ve set up in my mind to know if I enjoyed the story is if I want to continue reading past the five chapters that you asked me review. I’m glad to say that I did want to read past the five chapters to learn what comes next but only because I wanted to understand that happened in the prologue. The part that really did intrigue me is the prologue since it had a gripping scene that fosters curiosity. Another part that I did enjoy is learning about the VPA and the different world of the vampires in your story.

[By the way, in Chapter 2: Tomato Juice, you started your chapter with 01: TOMATO JUICE even though it was already the second chapter.]


Overall: 80/100

Thank you for requesting from the shop! Make sure to credit the shop in your Foreword using the banner and send the karma points to the owner.