Genre(s): Angst

Status: On-going

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: N/A


Title {3/5}
[Imma be real with you; when I read the title (and the line in your poster), I immediately thought of My Chemical Romance’s I’m Not Okay (I Promise). Definitely not a song that fits the tone of the story, but that’s the one I started listening to after reading the title.]

Anyway, your title is quite long, and having two titles (or one main title and one sub-title) might confuse your readers. Delicate Lies already had a good ring to it, and it carries this subtle angst because of the word “lies.” Delicate Lies has a great contrast in the title since we all consider lies, in general, as bad things, but the word “delicate” has a softness or vulnerability to it that works against the harshness of lies. It also is different from the titles in AFF that are like “Harsh Lies” or “Cruel Lies.” Adding the (I’m Okay) part just seems to just add unnecessary length that gives away the whole gist of the story (especially since it already answers the description). There are also other stories that have sort of the same format (though a bit different). There are titles like I’m Okay (Are You Okay?) in AFF.

Description and Foreword {8/10}
Description is pretty simple and clean. It does bring up lots of questions about the story especially about the past and why Jin Eul is not okay, which will entice your readers to read more to find out about what happens next or what happened before.

There’s a sort of hollow feeling that the simplicity of the description creates, and that fits the angst-y vibe of the story. It feels like there’s something missing. There doesn’t need to be a lot of words but just raw honesty in stating that Jin Eul is not okay at all.

There are two minor issues with the first line of the description. The first issue is that the line asked in the description doesn’t match the lines in the story (both from Sungjong and from Jin Eul). The first part reads “I’m okay, baby are you okay?” but in the story, Sungjong only texts “Are you okay?”. Jin Eul’s response is simply “I’m okay” which confused me because I don’t know where the line “I’m okay, baby are you okay?” is used or if it will be used. This is only a minor issue since the story is only in its fifth chapter, so of course I’m not sure if the line will be seen in future chapters.

The next minor issue is the sentence structure of the first line in the description. The first line of the description contains two independent clauses:

A. (1) I’m okay, (2) baby are you okay?

or it could also be

B. (1) I’m okay, baby (2) are you okay?

However, you merged two independent clauses together, so your readers do not know where one idea starts, where it ends, and where the second idea starts. The problem is that the sentence either contains a comma splice or it is a run-on sentence.

In A, the sentence contains a comma splice wherein you used a comma to separate two independent clauses. To get rid of the comma splice, you can either turn the comma into a period or turn the comma into a semicolon (;). Here is how your sentence would look like if you used a period:

I’m okay. Baby, are you okay?

In B, the sentence is a run-on sentence. A run-on sentence is a sentence that merges two or more sentences together. The trick to remedy a run-on sentence is to place a period after the end of the first sentence.

I’m okay, baby. Are you okay?

[Now, although this is a grammar/sentence structure issue, it is still a really minor issue. That line might be a text, so I understand that grammar really flies out the window in a text. It doesn’t hurt thought to make sure that the structure of your sentences is good.]

Next, we have your Foreword. The anger shown in your Foreword stirs up a lot of feelings in your readers. The last line gives a lot of impact to the excerpt, and it encapsulates what Jin Eul feels towards Sungjong after the incident. The question that comes into my mind though is if the Description and the Foreword work well together. For now, it seems as if the two do not complement each other well. At first, I was confused on where your story really focuses on after reading the Foreword. The description focuses on the main gist on the story (Jin Eul lying about his current situation to Sungjong), but the Foreword focuses on Jin Eul wanting to forget Sungjong. The two do not match up well, so it would be better if the excerpt in the Foreword related to or complemented the gist presented in the Description.

Plot {26/30}
In the first part of the story (Prologue and Thoughts), I can definitely feel the hollowness that came after the break-up. It wasn’t like a deep sadness, but it was a sort of numbing feeling because of how you presented Jin Eul’s life after the break-up and the appearance of snow and cold. It is mentioned how much Jin Eul wanted to feel warmth and how he got used to the temperature of the snow on his bare feet (which shows numbness once more). The cracks are there, but they’re tapped over and ignored by the main character.

For the story development, not much has happened story-wise (apart from the flashback of memories and Jin Eul going around his mother’s house) until the very end of fourth chapter where the text comes in. That’s where the story takes off from the beginning. Since not much has happened apart from the beginning (where part of the past are shown and the aftermath of the break-up) and the inciting incident (the text), it’s hard to see what will happen next. Will the two meet again? Will the story continue to just be reflective on the past and their current status? Will Sungjong do something about this lie? Though on one hand, mystery is definitely good for a story, the events after chapter 5 doesn’t have that gripping “I must read what comes next!!” kind of feeling.

When it comes to the originality of the story, there are definitely angst stories in AFF about break-up and lying about being okay. It’s a relatable experience that people would write about, and since not much has happened in the story, it’s hard to see where the story would become unique or different from other angst stories of the same nature.

However, male OC leads are sort of rare or just not popular in fanfics, so this is definitely refreshing to read. Perhaps there will be even a glimpse or a small mention of the mechanics of same- relationships in Korea (since same- relationships aren’t perceived well there).

Characterization {12/15}
This area will focus on Jin Eul since Sungjong hasn’t appeared in the story yet. [And I don’t think I need to talk about Jin Eul’s mom here apart from she’s lovely.]

Jin Eul has a sort of child with his child-like wonder and love for snow. He also has a habit of pushing down his feelings and running away from hurt. Aside from these points, we don’t see much about what kind of person Jin Eul is because there isn’t a lot of interaction between him and other characters. Most of the story so far is him doing his mundane things and trying to push away the memories that pop up. The only interaction that he has had in the story are glimpses of conversations with his mother and a short interaction with his neighbor. Since we don’t have a lot of interaction, the path of the development of the character is also not clear. Characters develop mostly because of interactions with people and outside forces/circumstances.

[Sungjong wasn’t given much of a character yet aside from the fact that he was cold when they saw each other in the airport.]

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {11/15}
There are a few issues with your writing, and they’re repeated through the chapters. Let’s go over them one by one.

1. Misuse of commas

There are instances in your story where there are unnecessary commas. Either a sentence contains a comma splice or the comma in the sentence creates an unnecessary pause. Take a look at this excerpt from your story:

Three years of being in a relationship, truly ended in a few short moments—the moments it took for them to pass one another as though they didn’t exist. (Chapter 1)

The comma in the sentence above creates a pause between “Three years of being in a relationship” and “truly ended in a few short moments.” Commas are usually used to separate an independent clause and a dependent clause (or two independent clauses connected by a coordinate conjunction). “Three years of being in a relationship” is an incomplete thought, and “truly ended in a few short moments” is also an incomplete thought, but if you put them together, they form a complete sentence. Therefore, the comma in the sentence is not needed.

The same concern goes for this sentence:

Jin Eul blinked, and realized that his eyes were wet. (Chapter 1)

Although “Jin Eul blinked” is an independent clause, “realized that his eyes were wet” is not, and it uses an “and.” The comma there is unnecessary since it creates a pause in the middle of the sentence.

2. Hyphen and long dash

When it comes to hyphen (-) and long dash (—), there is a difference not just in their appearance but also how they are used. The hyphen (-) is used to connect two words or more words together to create one idea (like father-in-law and well-formed). A dash, on the other hand, presents a break from a line of thought. Take a look at this sentence from your story:

He gazed up at his white ceiling but didn’t see it, seeing a different ceiling in its place - the ceiling of a bedroom in another country, a bedroom that Jin Eul had sleptin more than his own apartment in the time that he spent with Sungjong. (Chapter 2)

In the sentence above, you used a hyphen to show a break from the first part of the sentence and the second part of the sentence. A dash should be used instead, like this:

He gazed up at his white ceiling but didn’t see it, seeing a different ceiling in its place—the ceiling of a bedroom in another country, a bedroom that Jin Eul had sleptin more than his own apartment in the time that he spent with Sungjong. (Chapter 2)

3. Pronoun-Antecedent

Instead, he gaze right through it as he saw it flash in his eyes all over again—Sungjong’s face when had passed one another at the airport, when Sungjong realized that Jin Eul was in earnest about moving to another country. (Chapter 1)

In the excerpt above, the second “it” does not have a clear antecedent. The first “it” talks about the house across his (from the previous sentence), but the second “it” is unclear. Is “it” the house? Did you mean the memory?

Writing Style {7/10}
As stated in the Plot section, the way you delivered the initial chapters certainly brought on a feeling of numbness. Here’s a line that developed this feeling:

…he sighed, the chill of winter already rooted in his body, as though attached to his very bones. (Thoughts)

The way you wrote this line evokes a cold and hollow feeling for your readers, which helps set the tone and the vibe of the start of the story. Your readers will be able to imagine this vividly and feel what Jin Eul is feeling. What’s happening is very relatable. A lie that we all usually use is “I’m okay,” so going through story is like going through a relatable experience. The feelings that you embed in the lines are familiar, but you write them in such a way that it’s still a bit new.

Now, the first concern that I can present is redundancy. There are parts in your story where words or phrases are repeated numerous times. Though redundancy can be used as a tool in writing, the way that the redundancy was used in the excerpt made the word “wrapped” sound like a broken record.

Jin Eul sat peacefully on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, his hands wrapped around a cup of hot tea. Though he wasn’t cold, he felt like being wrapped up, a sensation that he missed from his childhood, though he would never confess that to anyone.

…It surrounded him like the blanket that was wrapped around him, only the pain was cold, slowly numbing him and seeming to slow the beat of his heart. (Chapter 4)

As you can see in the excerpt above, you mentioned wrapped four times in a span of seven sentences. Perhaps you should use other words instead of “wrapped” so that the word isn’t redundant in your work.

Next, I’ve noticed that you have a habit of writing really long sentences. Take a look at this sentence from your first chapter:

Instead, he gaze right through it as he saw it flash in his eyes all over again—Sungjong’s face when had passed one another at the airport, when Sungjong realized that Jin Eul was in earnest about moving to another country. (Chapter 1)

The sentence above can be easily split into two sentences (even three). When you have multiple long sentences in a paragraph, it can drag the flow or the pace of the events in that paragraph. Also, when you string multiple ideas in one sentence, the sentence can sound awkward and overwhelming. You might want to have more sentence variety including shorter, simpler sentences or cut longer sentences into shorter ones so that the sentences flow smoother and the pace does not slow down.

Flow {8/10}
The story definitely has a slow start. Things only start to happen in chapter 5. Though I understand that angst can definitely have a slow pace and beginnings do not necessarily have to start already at the inciting incident, there is still a line between going things at a slow pace and a dragging pace. The first four chapters only present a background of what happened between Jin Eul and Sungjong and what Jin Eul’s life is now. Though the chapters do present angst and feels, the way that they’re spread out in four chapters drags the pace of the story. When you have short chapters, there are big pauses in between them that affect the flow of the events. Some of the chapters can definitely be merged to make the transition from the beginning to the inciting incident smoother.

Presentation {5/5}
The presentation of your story is definitely neat. The text is a readable size, and the poster matches the vibe of the story. It’s subtle and angst-y. The way that the asterisks are used in the story definitely help in showing that there was a skip in time. It gives the story a helpful pause that gives way to a change in location and hour/day. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment {+3}
There were definitely times where I went “aaw” and “well sh*t.” I really liked the simplicity of the prologue and chapter 1. There seriously was this hollow feeling that I got when I read it that translates well with what is happening and how we’re introduced to Jin Eul. 

As for pace, I usually prefer faster-paced stories, so the different pace threw me off at the start. Though it was a slow start, the short chapters do make it easier and a faster reading experience, but [as stated in the Flow area] having the chapters spaced like it is creates huge pauses in between the events. I didn’t get that “I need to read what’s next omg” feeling after the chapters (except for the fifth one since that’s where things pick up).


Overall: 83/100

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