Genre(s): Romcom

Status: On-going [Fourteen chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Overall Enjoyment



Title {3/5}
The title actually sounds quite catchy and intriguing. Because it’s long and specific, the title would be unique in the AFF story pool. The only issue with the title is how it relates to the story. Since the title is “The Art of Deceiving,” readers might assume that your story is about a character intentionally deceiving Jaejoong to get something. It could either be a planned deceit or a just an intentional string of lies for personal advantage or leverage. When reading the story, however, your readers might be surprised that there is no planned or intentional deceit in the story. Soeun did not intentionally deceive Jaejoong; it was a weird “Oh, he didn’t notice. Oh well” type of situation that does not match the ideas that your title gives.

Description and Foreword {7/10}
For your Description, the blurb isn’t attention-grabbing. It does show the background or starting premise of your story, but your readers do not know what the story will tackle or what the characters will address. What is the conflict that Jaejoong and Soeun must face? What is at stake for Soeun? What must they address in the story? What is the trouble that she faces with Jaejoong? What is at stake with deceiving Jaejoong?

Next, is the character profile really necessary in the story? The tidbits in the profile like their jobs are already shown in the story. The traits can also be picked up by the readers.

[Personally, I don’t think character profiles are necessary unless they’re just used to show the face claims for the characters. Showing the characteristics in profiles is like telling and not showing.]

Plot {18/30}
Regarding plot, your plot seems to be a mash-up of cliches. The story is like a mish-mash of different stories or your story was confused on what to be so it decided to be everything. The start with the lead being chased by loan sharks and looking like a scruffy dude is eerily similar to the start of the Japanese drama “Atashinchi no Danshi,” but instead of a really kind, old billionaire, we have Jaejoong. [Oh, and no sons. Right.] The lead’s father gambled away their money and is also running away to avoid loan sharks.

Then, we have the plot point about owing money to a rich person after destroying a vase (or technically, the loan sharks destroyed the vase and Soeun flushed down a jacket) and being mistaken for a boy which is similar to “Ouran High School Host Club.” This involves the lead pretending to be something they’re not (in this case, a boy and Jaejoong’s brother in the latter chapters).

Don’t get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with having a cliche as a foundation for a story (many people flock to cliches). However, having many cliches mashed together in one story can be overwhelming. Furthermore, the story doesn’t really bring something new to these cliches. Bringing something new or adding a twist can make a cliche or a story refreshing and interesting. What makes your story different? What is the new conflict that you will introduce in your story?

There were also parts that weren’t explained fully or don’t add up. Why does she keep her gender from him? What is the logic behind keeping her gender from him when Soeun realized that Jaejoong thought she was a girl? Why didn’t she correct him the first time? What is at stake if Jaejoong learns about her real gender? How can she hide her s if she never wore a binder? Even if she’s flat-chested, she would still have a bit of (and she would have to wear a bra under the pajamas that Jaejoong gave her), so it would be easy to tell that she’s a girl.

Why didn’t anyone do a background check on Soeun? Why didn’t they ask for a DNA test to make sure that they found the real missing son? How can Soeun look exactly like Jaeseok? Since they were able to see a ten-year old Jaeseok, why didn’t anyone comment that Soeun looks nothing like the kid? Surely, someone would wonder why Soeun looks different; you can’t erase or change looks by going to China.

Lastly, there were parts that made the plot cliche and unrealistic:

The floor underneath my foot was wet with some sort of liquid, and before I knew it, I slipped. It was like slow-motion because for a moment I was in midair; the horrific expression on that guy’s face was priceless and in the next moment –

Oh crap, I just flushed his jacket down the toilet! (Chapter 2)

In the excerpt above, an important plot point that moved the story forward is Soeun accidentally flushing a jacket down the toilet. You can’t really flush a jacket down a toilet because the toilet would clog. A jacket, especially some type of expensive blazer for suits, would be made of thick material, and it wouldn’t fit through the pipe. You should make sure that the scenes in your plot are believable or realistic.

Characterization {10/15}
Your characters are sort of flat. It’s hard to tell what dominant traits they possess because they don’t have stable characteristics or defining reactions or perspectives. I can recite in full detail Soeun’s background, but I cannot think of a dominant characteristic that she possesses. There are no memorable characteristics about her in the story. Is she too nice? Is she impulsive? Is she hot-headed? Is she selfless or selfish? What are the traits that distinguish her from the rest of the characters in the story? What are her flaws?

Also, I would have to disagree with the description that you placed in the profile in your Foreword of how Soeun is “conniving.” Not once did she break the law or plan some great con or deceit. She merely accepted jobs given to her by Jaejoong, and she didn’t intentionally keep her real gender from him. She even felt that lying was wrong! So what is conniving about her? When we say that a person is conniving, that person is doing something illegal or dishonest intentionally for their advantage.

Jaejoong also does not have defining characteristics, and his character changes a lot that readers cannot determine what kind of person he is. In chapter 5, he was threatening the girl angrily with death if she was late, but then in chapter 6, when Soeun was late, he said this:

"Good, you're here. You're late by the way, but I'll let that slide for today, since today's a bit of a crazy day." (Chapter 6)

I think he was meant to be the typical and cliche “cold but actually really dorky” male lead, but it fell short. Give him some defining characteristics and mold his responses according to those traits! Is he a hot-head? Then show multiple instances where he suddenly blows up in anger over the littlelest things. Is he sassy? Then make him give witty comebacks and use sarcasm in his language. Is he a dork? Then give him awkward responses or replies that involve funny puns or ideas. Give your characters some character by molding their language and reactions around defined traits.

As for the rest of the gang in the story, I can’t really comment on them since they don’t have defining characteristics as well or major parts in the story as of now. They’re all just “handsome” and “cool” in your story. Even if they’re just side characters, you should give them a personality as well, even if it’s just a few character traits. They can’t all just be “handsome;” that’s not a character trait.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {12/15}
There are a couple of patterns of error in your writing: word choice, misuse of colon, sentence clarity, and misuse of semicolon. Let’s look at each of the issues!

1. Word Choice

I sobbed dry tears, blaming my father for messing around with these guys in the first place (Chapter 1)

Sobbed...dry...tears? The string of words here is confusing. How can tears be dry? They’re literally made out of salty water. I think the problem here is that you tried to merge “dry sobbing” and “tears.” Dry sobbing is when you cry but no tears come out. Having tears when you cry means you are actually crying with liquid coming out of your eyes. Taking all of this into consideration, which did Soeun do: dry sobbing or crying?

Here is another excerpt with an issue with word choice:

I reached into my pocket for my 2 by 4 and slid it across the table with a smile. (Chapter 2)

In the excerpt above, you use the term “2 by 4.” The term “2 by 4” usually means a plank of wood that is 2 inches by 4 inches, so imagining Jaejoong pulling out a plank of wood from his pocket is...unrealistic. You might want to use “calling card” instead so that your readers understand what you are referring to.

2. Misuse of colon

I gripped the long metal handle on the glass door that read: Golden Nights Hotel in gold letters and, without a second thought, opened the door, and practically threw myself in. (Chapter 1)

A colon (:) is used to introduce a list or a sentence. The clause before the colon should be an independent clause (a group of words that can stand as a sentence). Here is an example:

I knew what he wanted: he wanted to break up with me.

The part “I knew what he wanted” is an independent clause, so it’s okay to use a colon. In the excerpt above, “I gripped the long metal handle on the glass door that read” is not an independent clause because it doesn’t have a complete thought. You should omit the colon there and use quotation marks for the title of the hotel instead. Here is a revised version:

I gripped the long metal handle on the glass door that read “Golden Nights Hotel” in gold letters and, without a second thought, opened the door, and practically threw myself in.

3. Sentence Clarity

When I arrived at the hotel I headed to the long and smooth reception desk and inquired about their President - only to received unfavourably. (Chapter 6)

The phrase “only to received unfavourably” does not make sense in the sentence. I think the sentence is missing a “be.” Here is a revised version where the final part of the sentence is clear:

When I arrived at the hotel I headed to the long and smooth reception desk and inquired about their President - only to be received unfavourably.

4. Misuse of semicolon

For ten years we searched everywhere for you and hired the best investigators; but no one could find you until now. (Chapter 14)

In the sentence above, you used a semicolon (;) between an independent clause, “For ten years we searched everywhere for you and hired the best investigators,” and a dependent clause, “but no one could find you until now.” Semicolons are used to tie together two independent clauses. Here is an example:

She took a while to arrive; the traffic downtown made her late.

Instead of a semicolon, your sentence should use a comma instead. Here is a revised version that uses proper punctuation mark:

For ten years we searched everywhere for you and hired the best investigators, but no one could find you until now.

Writing Style {5/10}
For your writing style, I can see that you use a more informal style in your story, especially since your story is focused on comedy. However, there are aspects of your informal writing style that can confuse or overwhelm your readers. One part that is confusing is the shifting points of view in your chapters. For example, in chapter 2, you started the chapter with Jaejoong’s point of view (in first person point of view) before you shift to Soeun’s point of view. In chapter 8, you shift points of view three times (back and forth between Jaejoong and Soeun). If you want to change the focus of the story or to have a stable point of view, there are a number of ways to do so without confusing your readers:

1. Use third person omniscient for all of your chapters
The third person omniscient is a point of view that does not use “I,” but it gives leeway to the narrator to shift the focus of the story onto any of the characters without being confusing.

2. Focus the first person point of view on one character only
Since you are using the first person point of view, it gives away the intimate thoughts and feelings of a specific character and uses “I.” Why not just stick to one character? Why not tell the whole story through Soeun’s eyes or Jaejoong’s eyes? Choose one and stick to it so that your readers do not get confused.

3.  Dedicate one whole chapter to one character
This is still a bit confusing, but there are books that do this trick too. You have Marie Lu’s ”Legend” which alternates between June’s and Day’s perspectives. The author used third person point of view and each chapter focuses on either June or Day. The same is for the book “My Lady Jane.” For example, chapter 1 of the book is in King Edward’s perspective, chapter 2 is in Lady Jane’s perspective, and chapter 3 is in Lord Gifford’s perspective. Dedicate a whole chapter to one perspective instead of shifting between points of view within the chapter.

Next, there are parts that are either over-exaggerated or unrealistic. Here is one example:

Her eyes, heart-shaped and dancing, were watching me in unfeigned admiration. (Chapter 7)

Excuse me, what? I think….you’re trying to aim for the anime heart-eyes, but they aren’t realistic. If someone came up to me and their eyes went into heart-shapes, I would call an ambulance [possibly a priest to exorcise the demon]. Instead of stating that they’re heart-shaped, you could have described the excitement or admiration in her eyes. Yes, it’s not to the same effect as heart eyes, but it gives a proper description, and the situation is realistic.

Also, there are parts where you abuse the caps lock:

He doesn’t expect me to do ALL of this? IN ONE DAY? My pulse quickened in frustration. FORGET IT! I QUIT! TAKE ME TO JAIL! AT LEAST THEY FEED ME THERE AND DON’T ENSLAVE ME. (Chapter 7)

The shifting format of the writing and the caps lock is harsh on the eyes. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE REVIEW IS PURELY IN CAPSLOCK EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT ANGRY OR SHOUTING AT YOU? IT CAN MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, RIGHT? IT ISN’T AS PLEASING TO THE EYES? If you want to emphasize parts, you can use italics or use exclamation points. In the excerpt above, you already use exclamation points, but the caps lock is overkill. Here is a revised version using italics to emphasize words:

He doesn’t expect me to do all of this? In one day? My pulse quickened in frustration. Forget it! I quit! Take me to jail! At least they feed me there and don’t enslave me!

[You can still use caps lock in your story, but you should make sure that you do not abuse it.]

Lastly, the sounds that you use in your writing are confusing or odd:

"Then yesterday my dog died!" I cried even harder now. “EEuuaaahhh –“ (Chapter 2)

What is this? What is “EEuuaaahhh”? Did she groan? Did she vomit? What is this sound? Instead of writing out the sound, you could just describe it or use an onomatopoeia. An onomatopoeia is a formation of a word form a sound. Instead of “EEuuaaahhh,” you could just say that she bawled or she hiccuped as she fake cried.

Flow {7/10}
The flow is alright for a romcom. They didn’t fall in love right away, just physical attraction on Soeun’s part. For this, I do commend you for not immediately jumping into insta-love. There were parts where it felt like they were too fast like the scene where everyone just accepts that Soeun is Jaeseok without doing any tests or checking her background, but overall, the story is moving at a relatively normal pace.

When it comes to the flow within chapters, again, the shifting points of view create an unstable or rock flow within the chapter [more on this in Writing Style]. You can imagine it like forcing your readers to change mindsets every few minutes.

Presentation {3/5}
Perhaps you can get an updated or fresh poster? The poster that you have doesn’t have that romcom vibe because of the harsh and dark colors mixing together. The font style for the title also doesn’t fit the genre of the story. With the extra details and curls on the first letters of the words, the font style fits more of a fairytale story rather than a modern romcom. It’s also weird that Soeun is just a floating head in the background.

[Honestly, the floating head reminds me of the floating baby-head as the sun in Teletubbies. Lol.]

Overall Enjoyment {+0}
I can’t really say I enjoyed the story, and that’s a shame because I do like Jaejoong [He’s my bias in DBSK.]. The mishmash of different cliches and plot points was overwhelming for me. I couldn’t understand where the story was going or what kind of plot/conflict it was following. There were too many things going on like the plot with the loan sharks, owing money plot, and the lost brother plot point.

The writing style with the shifting point of views was also overwhelming. Shifting the point of view multiple times within a chapter can be confusing, and I felt that it wasn’t necessary in your story. You could have chosen one point of view and stuck with it. Furthermore, the other issues with your writing style made reading uncomfortable. Add that with how flat the characters are and how I couldn’t connect with any of them, the story fell a flat for me.

Lastly, your story is very dialogue-heavy, and though it’s not bad to have lots of dialogue in a story, I felt that because it was so dialogue-heavy, it did not help me in understanding your characters thoroughly. I wasn’t able to see how the characters think or feel. How do they perceive the situations that they’re in? How do they process or reflect on what they’ve learned? I have no answer to these questions because I felt that your story was lacking in reflective narration that gives readers insight into the characters’ deeper thoughts.

Overall, the story really wasn’t my style. Though I can see others like to read it (some people do like cliches), seeing one cliche after the other was overkill for me.


Overall: 65/100

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