Genre(s): Angst, psychological, and romance

Status: On-going [Nine chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Non-Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization

Warnings: Rated M, yuri, , and trigger warning



Title
The title is catchy since it’s a one-word title that isn’t too long or too short. Most of the titles on AFF that use the word “dirty” contain other words that make the title long. Using only the word “dirty” as a title makes it impactful. The title also relates to the story with Seulgi’s dirty mind and her desire to make Irene “dirty.” Good job!

Description and Foreword
The Description is effective in creating mystery and showing the twisted side to the main character. It definitely creates an impact while showing the relation of the title to your story. However, your blurb in your description does not show the relation of the characters or present the protagonist of the story. You’ve shown in the Characters section that the characters of your story is Seulgi and Irene, but your readers do not know if the “I” is Seulgi or Irene or who the object of the fantasy of “I” is. Perhaps you should clarify the focus of the view or the focus of the obsession in the description.

Plot
The plot of the story is definitely unique. You don’t see many stories where the focus of the main character is specifically on defiling a person and turning them into something as twisted as they are. However, this plot only lasts a few chapters, and the rest of the chapters in your story are already on a different tangent wherein the story somewhat does not have a clear goal or direction. The goal that is highlighted in your description for Seulgi is to corrupt Irene and break the perfect image that she has, but that goal is already partially achieved by the second chapter. The succeeding chapters continue to show Irene breaking, until finally by the fourth chapter, Irene is already dominating and “cracked.” So, what is Seulgi trying to achieve now? What major goal drives the story forward? Clarifying this in the plot would help in creating a clearer direction for the story rather than having sprinkled everywhere to move the story forward.

Next, let’s look at the relationship in the story. Though I like the fact that the story doesn’t immediately start out with love, and it emphasizes that it starts strictly with lust, the development of lust to love is a bit shallow. With Seulgi, I can see how she would slowly develop feelings for Irene. Irene is very caring and down to earth. Aside from using Seulgi to satisfy her lust, Irene is very careful with Seulgi and cares for her, so it is easy to see why Seulgi would like Irene.

But what about Seulgi? It’s hard to understand how and why Irene would start caring for Seulgi. Aside from a fulfilment of craving, Seulgi does not offer anything else for Irene. Sure, you could say that Seulgi gives Irene enough space to be herself [I would argue that this is more of a conflict for Irene rather than a positive trait for Seulgi], but when you account how Seulgi humiliated her, ual assaulted her, and almost kidnapped her in the first chapter, you would think that Irene would run or simply use Seulgi only for her body. It’s not just enough that Seulgi is “broken” because of her past and Irene wants to “fix” her (a trope that every writer should run far, far away from). What has Seulgi done for Irene to earn that kind of affection? What positive traits does Irene find in Seulgi? How does Irene benefit in this relationship? Remember, to create relationships that are realistic, both characters in the relationship must have something that they actually like about their significant other (or at least something that creates a deep connection between the two).

Another part that I felt should be given more depth in the story is Irene’s uality. Right from the beginning, we are shown that Seulgi is attracted to girls, and throughout the chapters, Irene becomes attracted to Seulgi. However, Irene’s uality is not explored or given enough focus. In chapter 7, there was a scene where Wendy questions Irene about her uality, but Irene denied being gay and bi. There is a clear confusion for Irene on which gender she is really attracted to, but this confusion and struggle (in finding answers) is not given more depth. Irene simply goes back to fooling around with Seulgi. I really hoped that the subject of uality would be explored in the story, especially in relation to how the setting of the story affects Irene’s view of uality.

[I wasn’t quite sure what the setting of the story is. The characters still have Korean names, so it might be Korea. If that is so, consider how conservative Korea is and how homouality is an uncomfortable subject for most Koreans (a 2015 survey in CNN before showed that around 57% of Korean survey testers see homouality as unacceptable). However, I did see that you stated in your Foreword that the story has American customs (though you did not explicitly state that the setting is in America). If the setting is somewhere American, then consider the rising openness and acceptance of Americans to homouality and the LGBT+ community and how it would affect Irene and being open about her uality.]

On a positive note, I like the plot twist in chapter 7 where Seulgi screams someone else’s name. It wasn’t expected, since you set up how she’s so obsessed with Irene, and you used narration in a way that the readers did not know a different name was said until Irene questions Seulgi. This twist keeps the story interesting, and it was a great technique in shifting the focus of the story to uncovering Seulgi’s background.

Characterization
You’ve certainly made a terrifying and mentally-disturbed character (Seulgi). You treated her obsession without sugar-coating any bits and being very blunt with her obsession. Good job! Obsession is neither cute nor something that you can simply turn off, and you show this clearly in your writing whenever you show a consistency in the twisted fantasies that Seulgi has. I also like how you stress her mentality of blaming Irene for her obsession. This act shows the reality of obsession and the delusion that the obsessed has.

The only concern that I have in regards to Seulgi is there are so many negative traits of hers that are emphasized, and there are no positive traits (yet, since the story is still on-going) shown. She’s brazen, obsessive, crude, sadistic, cunning, and rude, but what about her positive traits? Everyone has both positive and negative traits, and while stuffing a character with negative traits is the easiest way to show how twisted they are, the character would lack substance. Let’s take Voldemort, for example. I think anyone would agree that he is a twisted man chock-full of negative traits, but we can also clearly see how he is charismatic, a good leader (in the sense that he is able to lead a group to an agreed goal), incredibly smart, determined, and observant. What are Seulgi’s positive traits? Showing a positive side to Seulgi will give her character more depth.

Next, we have Irene. Irene, I would say, is a complex character that is shown to be likeable at first, but then we see the complexity when her image starts to “break.” She’s kind and caring, but then she’s also, at times, indecisive and willing to play dirty to get her way. I would just like to comment on the pacing of the shift in her personality. For example, in chapter 6, she clearly does not want to “get down” with Seulgi in the playground, but when Seulgi leaves, we have this part:

“Did I say I was finished with you, ?” Irene asked brashly in an animalistic growl, hastily ping the front of my denim shorts with fumbling fingers. “Kang Seulgi…don’t you ever ing walk away from me again…”

From being unsure, she suddenly has this harsh outburst. There wasn’t an uphill climb to get to where she was; she just went from 0 to 100 in one go. You don’t suddenly snap and become this curse-throwing, hot-tempered character. Her shift in character should have been executed smoother.

Lastly, I would like to commend you on providing background on Wendy. Her background with her father gave her character more depth. I only wish that, with your future chapters, you would extend the same treatment to Seungyoon. He's shown as this perfect guy, but I have yet to understand his character completely. 

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice
There are some minor issues in your writing that can be addressed by proofreading.

1.Word choice:

The shudder that gyrated through her afterward made me wonder if I was affecting her too. (Chapter 1)

The word “gyrated” does not fit in with the image conveyed in the sentence. When you “gyrate,” you go in a circular motion. A shudder doesn’t usually go in a circular motion in a person’s body [This image made me laugh, honestly]. You should substitute words that would fit in with the image that you are trying to show. For example, you can use “the shudder that went through her.”

2. Interrobang

“My heart stopped beating, do you know what that’s like?! I-I couldn’t even stomach looking in his direction! How could you make me go through that, huh?! How?!” (Chapter 5)

The interrobang (?!) is a punctuation mark that is used in informal written conversation (like chatting your friend), and it is usually avoided in writing. The question mark is already an ending punctuation mark, and it should not be followed by another ending punctuation mark. That’s just redundant. Using this punctuation mark shows a lazy writer who wants to portray shock and confusion without trying. Instead of an interrobang, you can (1) use italics and/or (2) use either a question mark (for questions) or an exclamation point (for shock) and follow it with a tag. Here is a revised version of the excerpt above:

“My heart stopped beating, do you know what that’s like? I-I couldn’t even stomach looking in his direction! How could you make me go through that, huh? How?” she screamed.

[Edit 02/23/17: The author pointed out in the comments that the concern regarding interrobang might be more of a stylistic issue rather than a grammar issue. I do agree with this point of view, though I regret at the time that I wrote the review, the Writing Style area is not incorporated yet in the rubric.

When it comes to the interrobang, there are different sides to the discussion. Just remember that the interrobang is used in very informal writing (this is the one tidbit that I've found consistent in sources). If it is in your style to use the punctuation mark in your fanfic, then you can use the punctuation mark. Personally, I am not fond of interrobangs since, to me, it feels like it is the go-to option when the writer doesn't want to fully describe the way the character speaks, and I strongly believe that you should end your sentences with one ending punctuation mark. This is why I wrote the concern above.]

3. Comma splice:

She’s in control, she’s in control. (Chapter 6)

This part is a bit tricky. I know that there are countries where comma splices are not issues, so you should take this comment lightly if your grammar rules accept comma splices. However, it is still important to take this grammar issue into consideration. When we talk about comma splices, it’s when you use a comma in between two complete sentences. Normally, we use periods or semicolons to create a full pause between two sentences. Here are some revised versions of the excerpt above:

Period: She’s in control. she’s in control.
Semicolon: She’s in control; she’s in control.

Using a period or a semicolon instead of a comma creates a pause that separates the two complete sentences.

4. Misspelled words:

“Here we are,” My beaming muse animatedly announced. “This is the best place to get high-quality grommet sandwich’s from. Seungyoon and I come here all the time.” (Chapter 8)

The misspelled word in the sentence above is “grommet.” The word “grommet” is a slang word for an inexperienced skateboarder or surfer, and that does not fit in with your sentence. I think the word that you are looking for is “gourmet.” Proofread your work to make sure that there are no misspelled words that can alter the meaning of your sentence.

Flow
Firstly, there are parts of your story where the pacing is too fast. An example of this is when Irene started as an amateur in ting in Chapter 4, but in Chapter 5, she suddenly becomes a natural flirt while ting. You should make sure that the pacing of the development of Irene’s character and uality is not too fast so that your readers are not overwhelmed by the sudden change and prowess that Irene has. [They might also question where she acquired these skills.]

Next, the spacing of the lines at certain points where the pacing should be fast drag the story. Here is an example:

It wasn’t until she spoke it into existence that I actually realized I was in the process of bustling on out her bedroom door, backpack in tow, flustered and shaken.

Call it a hunch—

—A knot in gut feeling.

Instinct.

Whichever.

Something inside me desperately urged for me to run like hell.

And I had no idea why.

Seulgi is trying to get away fast from Irene, so the pacing of the thoughts here should be fast as well. However, since the lines are spaced like above, it creates unnecessary pauses and slows down the pacing. I do suggest that you determine which parts of your story requires fast-paced action and make sure that spacing of the lines match the pacing of the story. Here is a revised version of the excerpt above:

It wasn’t until she spoke it into existence that I actually realized I was in the process of bustling on out her bedroom door, backpack in tow, flustered and shaken.

Call it a hunch—A knot in gut feeling. Instinct. Whichever. Something inside me desperately urged for me to run like hell. And I had no idea why.

From seven lines, I merged some lines, and now we are left with two lines. This spacing and format follows the fast pace of the story while keeping the impact that you were going for.

As a final point, I do like the pacing of the conflicts within the story. Your readers are not bombarded by conflicts, and they are not left with dragging intervals between conflicts. The pacing of conflicts within a story ensures that the story continues to move forward while keeping your readers on their feet.

Presentation
There are parts where there are one-line paragraphs, and it almost looks as if you’re writing it like poetry. This style of writing does create an impact, and it shows the choppy, obsessive thoughts that Seulgi has. However, you should make sure that this style of writing does not interfere with the flow of the story (as discussed under Flow).

The pictures and posters in the Foreword are too big, and these pictures can be distracting for your readers. I had to scroll and scroll until I reached the “Next” button. You should resize the pictures or place them in a chapter archive (with a link in the Foreword) so the readers who want to focus on the story can easily skip the pictures.

Overall Enjoyment
The story isn’t my cup of tea, and I feel like the relationship should be developed more.. However, I did enjoy the twistedness in Seulgi’s character, and the plot twist that gave way to her background was certainly entertaining and gripping!

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