Genre(s): Romance and romcom

Status: One-Shot

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Flow and Presentation




Title {2/5}
Since the title is short, it is easy to remember. Furthermore, it relates to your story because it emphasizes the one week deadline. However, the title is neither unique nor catchy. It seems pretty general, and your readers might not think that there would be anything different or new in your story.

[Personally, I think “A Week Project” sounds better since it can make your readers curious on what kind of project your story will talk about, and it still relates to your story. You don't have to take this suggestion though. It's just a thought. ^^]

Description and Foreword {7/10}
I think the Foreword and Description are reversed in your story. Your Description presents an excerpt and character profiles while your Foreword presents the premise or blurb of your story. The short blurb should be in the Description, and the excerpt and character profile should be in the Foreword. The reason for this is because the description presents a taste of the story so that your readers know whether or not they want to continue reading. Presenting an excerpt in your Description can overwhelm your readers. 

Setting the initial issue to the side, the excerpt is effective in giving your readers an idea of how the story starts and would encourage your readers to press “Next.” The short blurb is also effective in presenting the basic premise of your story. Really, the only issue I found is that you placed these components in the wrong areas.

Plot {24/30}
Overall, the plot is kind of cliche. It’s your usual friends coming together to help the main character confess using plans that they have cooked up. You did throw a curveball at the end of the one-shot when Jimin did not accept Hayi’s confession. However, the epilogue presented another cliche to wrap up the story. After a few years (or just after a while), the lovers meet again, then one of the two sees something made by the love interest that is for him/her or about him/her, and they end up together. You can see this ending in stories like Ruby Sparks, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and Leap Year.

Aside from the cliches in the plot, there is a plot hole in the story. By the end of the one-shot, Hayi gets a letter from Jimin stating that the reason he thinks she likes him only because of pity because he’s only a dairy company employee. However, at the very end, it was shown that Jimin only took the job because he was lacking inspiration as a writer and a painter. The different reasons are confusing. It is shown that he is established as a writer and a painter, so why did he have to leave? Why could he not accept Hayi’s affections? This part was not explained in the story. The epilogue also contained unanswered questions. Why did Jimin really leave? What has Hayi been doing for three years? Why didn’t he contact the other renters in the boardhouse for three years?

Lastly, the romance between the two is not developed or shown in the story. I can see the part where Hayi tells Jennie why she likes Jimin, but we don’t see interactions between the two that show this romance or romantic tension. It feels more like you are feeding your readers the reasons without letting them see for themselves or experience the romance between the two.

Characterization {10/15}
I don’t know what personality Hayi is supposed to have apart from being kind. She’s not as complex or colorful as a character, maybe because we don’t see her being proactive in the story. In your story, she lets her friends do most of the work (though it fails most of the time), and your readers don’t get to see Hayi’s personality shine.

I think another reason why Hayi’s character does not shine in the story is because she has to compete with the side-characters. There are so many side-characters that do not have any impact or role in the story. Examples of these are Taehyung, Taehyun, and Mr. Seunghyun. How do they contribute to the story? In what way do they help in developing Hayi? How do they move the plot forward? Jimin (the girl) is the only one who I think has an impact on Hayi since she is the one who convinces her and encourages her to pursue her love interest. The rest do not contribute much to the story (and their characters are also flat). Since this is a one-shot, I do suggest that you cut down the characters in the story since you will not be able to develop them all, and they all take away the focus on the main character.

On a positive note, Jimin (or Chimchim) is a character that does have a clear personality trait. In the one-shot, Hayi describes him as someone hardworking. I can see the characterization of how hardworking Jimin is since he chose his work first over his love life. However, my issue with Jimin is that his development as a character is not shown in the story. At the very end of the one-shot he has stated that he believes it wasn’t the time to pursue Hayi, but in the epilogue, he decides to pursue her. How did he realize that it was the time? What changed within Jimin? What development happened over the course of three years?

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {9/15}
For grammar, there are some major patterns of error in your writing, and there are also some minor concerns. I see that you have a beta reader for your story, but I do suggest that you have someone look over your story again to address the remaining issues in your story. Here are the grammar issues that I found:

1. Shifting verb tenses

“Jimin!” Hayi is calling the room owner name loudly. She knows for sure that Jimin is in her room, because she won’t go to sleep before twelve.

Jimin opened the door, looking sullen. “What?”

In the excerpt above, you use present progressive (is calling), but then you shift to present tense (knows and is) in the same line. In the next line, you used past tense (opened). You should remain consistent with your verb tenses. If you want to use past tense, then make sure that your verbs are consistently in past tense. If you want to use present tense, then make sure that your verbs are consistently in present tense. Here are two versions of the excerpt in consistent verb tense:

Past tense: “Jimin!” Hayi called the room owner’s name loudly. She knew for sure that Jimin was in her room, because she won’t go to sleep before twelve.

Jimin opened the door, looking sullen. “What?”

Present tense: “Jimin!” Hayi calls the room owner’s name loudly. She knows for sure that Jimin is in her room, because she won’t go to sleep before twelve.

Jimin opens the door, looking sullen. “What?”

2. Fragments

Hayi could only stare at Jimin in disbelieve. While Jimin look confident.

There are some sentence fragments in your work. A fragment is an incomplete sentence. In the excerpt above, the fragment is “while Jimin look confident.” Since the fragment is still part of the idea in the first sentence, you should omit the period after the first sentence and join the two sentences together. Here is a revised version of this excerpt:

Hayi could only stare at Jimin in disbelief while Jimin looked confident.

3. Sentence clarity

“Oppa, are you already done it?”

The quote above does not make sense because of the “are you already done it.” You should make sure that your sentences are clear. Try reading your work around to check if they sound all right. For the quote above, you should use “Oppa, are you finished?” or “Oppa, is it done?”

4. Comma splice

Actually, the initial plan was Taehyun will give two ticket of a fair to Chimchm, he hopes that he will invite Hayi.

Comma splices happen when you use a comma in between two independent clauses. There are numerous ways to fix a comma splice.There are two ways on how you can remedy the issue: turning the comma into a period and turning the comma into a semicolon. Here are some revised versions of the excerpt above:

Period: Actually, the initial plan was Taehyun will give two ticket of a fair to Chimchm. He hoped that he will invite Hayi.

Semicolon: Actually, the initial plan was Taehyun will give two ticket of a fair to Chimchm; he hopes that he will invite Hayi.

The issues listed above are major patterns of error. They appear consistently throughout your work, and I do encourage you to address them.

Writing Style {6/10}
Your writing style is simple, but you tell more than show in your writing. Because of this style, you take away your readers’ ability to understand and imagine certain characteristics of a person, place, or thing. Take a look at this line from your story:

The owner, Mr. Seunghyun, is a very nice person, although he doesn’t speak much, he does sometimes give advice.

You simply tell you readers who Mr. Seunghyun is and what he is like. This limits their understanding of his character. It’s like telling your dinner guests that the food is roast beef within giving them any roast beef. You should use more description and details to show your readers how Mr. Seunghyun is a nice but quiet person. What instances would show how nice he is. In what way does he speak to show that he is wise?

Flow {8/10}
The flow of the main story is fine. The use of a countdown also helps readers to know how much time has passed. It wasn’t too fast or too slow, though I did feel that there were parts that could have been explained more so that your readers can digest the information that you have given [the Plot area addresses this concern].

My main concern is that the ending in the epilogue, to me, felt too fast. They just see each other, and suddenly they’re together again without looking back at what has happened before. Hayi’s disappointment easily went away with a small punch (for revenge). There wasn’t any time to go over what has happened or have some enlightenment on the three years that was lost. They simply see each other, tell each other that they miss each other, and they hug. There wasn’t enough time for your readers to digest what has happened or to feel the heartwarming reunion of the two.

Presentation {2/5}
At first, after I saw that you chose “romcom” as the genre in the form, I thought that your poster and background was on-point. However, after reading your story, I believe that your poster and background markets the story wrongly. The poster and background is deceiving. Though the light blues are definitely pleasing to the eyes and give off a romcom vibe, it does not match the content of your one-shot. Your story, by the end of the one-shot, is more dramatic and bittersweet. You have two lovers who cannot be together. It is definitely not a romcom since romcoms involve more lighthearted and comedic events, and the ending would be happy or hilarious. I feel that your story is more of a light romance with drama. Therefore, rather than bright and energetic blues and cutesy pictures, your presentation should be more focused on softer colors that give off light romance feelings.

Another concern is that in your character profiles you used one picture of Hayi over the list of girls and one picture of Jimin for the list of boys. These pictures can confuse your readers since they will not know which girl is in the picture and which boy is in the picture. I do suggest that you clarify who are in those pictures, or provide one picture per character.

Apart from these major concerns, everything else in your story is neat. The text size is readable, and there are no jarring blocks of text.

Overall Enjoyment {+1}
The only part that I enjoyed in the story is the twist that Jimin did not accept her confession. Since the genre that you placed in the form is romcom, I was expecting that the ending will be happy by the end of the one-shot. I was surprised when Jimin did not accept her confession, and that twist made me want to know what happens next or how it would all weave together by the end.

Overall: 69/100
 

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