Genre(s):Drama, historical, romance, fluff, aboverse

Status: On-going [Five chapters and a teaser]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice and Characterization



Title {2/5}
Though the title captures the light and sweet vibe of your story, it is neither unique nor catchy. A quick search through AFF shows that the title “Cherry Blossom” is used frequently, so your title might not catch your readers’ eyes. A catchy title is unique, impactful, and rolls off the tongue easily. You have titles such as “The Hunger Games” and “My Lady Jane” that are both unique and catchy. If you search the internet, you would not find any titles similar to this. I suggest that you make your title more specific to your story. Try thinking of important themes and unique concepts present in your story. Another way that you can make your title more unique is to create a subtitle. For instance, “Alone” as a title is not unique, but if you add a subtitle to it (like “Alone: The Start of the Year”), the title becomes unique.

Description and Foreword {4/10}
Firstly, the Description only presents the inciting incident in the story. This description does not give your readers a clear idea of the plot of your story. Luhan is chosen to be the emperor’s mate, so what? A good synopsis for your description should capture your readers’ attention and tell them about the premise of your story. It should show your readers the setting, protagonist inciting incident, conflict, and what’s at stake. Where is story set in? What is the conflict that Luhan faces? What does he have to overcome? What is at stake if he does not address the conflict?

Another concern that I have is that you discourage your readers from your reading your story in the Description area. You’ve written “I at the description heh. Basically there is no plot in this fic.” This can deter your readers from reading your story. If you do not have any confidence in your work, then who will? [A lack of faith in your story translates in your writing. Remember that!] Perhaps you should omit the author’s note in your description about what’s lacking in your story and focus on what you do have in your story

[It should also be noted that the author’s note or message is typically presented in the Foreword so the note does not distract readers from the synopsis of the story.].

Lastly, your Foreword gives too much of the background away. Including an excerpt in the Foreword is always a great idea to give your readers a taste of what’s in store in your story, but giving too much away can make your readers lose interest or bore them. It would be better if you provide the background details in the story. For the excerpt in your Foreword, perhaps you can show snippets or parts of your story that are sweet or provide a sense of drama.

Plot {20/30}
The first thing that concerned me while reading your story is that the world/setting that your story is in is not concrete or clear. What do I mean by this? I understood from your author’s note that the setting is in the Edo period in Japan where there is a mixture of Korean, Chinese, Japanese, and Western culture; however, this historical setting is not executed properly in your story.There is an issue here since the Japanese, especially in the past, are very prideful of their culture, and they try their best to uphold and maintain a pure culture. Therefore, outside influences to their culture are not as accepted as today. Moreover, the names presented in your story are more Chinese than Japanese. Overall, claiming that the setting is in the Edo period in Japan will be misleading your readers, especially since you chose “historical” as a genre in the form.

I think the problem here stems from a confusion about the historical genre. Historical fiction is a genre where a fictional story takes place in a set period in time. For example, the story “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak is a historical fiction set in World War II in Germany. The story is fictional, but the background events, the conditions of the environment, and the social conditions of the time period were real. This does not fit in with the different, fantastical world that you’ve created. You’re simply taking different historical elements and culture, but you did not incorporate the time period and the social conditions of the period in your story.

I would say that your story is more on historical fantasy [though this is still a far stretch since this genre is still heavily reliant on the conditions of the time period it is in] or simply an alternate universe since the story does not subscribe strictly to the culture in the Edo period in Japan.

[You can even get away with alternate history, but that would mean that you would have to present a background on how the Edo period in Japan became this hotpot of different cultures.]

Now that we’ve clarified the genre that you story is in, you won’t need to limit the setting of your story to a specific period in time. You can make your own universe or setting for your story.

Now, when it comes to creating your own world/setting, you should make sure that the setting is clear and the conditions of the world are clear to your readers. What is the title of the country, city, or world that your story is in? What kind of government system does it have? What is the title of the leader of the country, city, or world? What culture does the world have? How do you determine class? How do you determine if a child is an alpha, beta, or omega? What do you call the clothes that people wear? What are the rules in the society? Can people in the world use magic? What do the people in your world consider appropriate or inappropriate?

You can definitely use inspiration from different cultures, but you have to make sure to show that your setting is not historical or historically accurate in nature (to eliminate confusion on the misleading treatment of different cultures), but more fictional and fantastical. An example of this is the world in Disney's Big Hero 6. In Big Hero 6, the story takes place in a fictional city called San Fransokyo (which was the result of an earthquake in 1906--an alternate history). This city incorporates different cultural aspects of America and Japan, and it has its own culture, technology, and rules.

When it comes to the plot, there’s not much to comment on. The five chapters that you’ve written only presents a background and inciting incident of Luhan being chosen by Emperor Oh to be his mate. Now what? The primary conflict of the story is not clear. The primary conflict is what drives a story forward and pushes a character to change. Every story (and I’d like to argue that every character does too) has a main conflict. It can be in the form of man vs. environment (the people of the kingdom do not like the main character), man vs. man (villain), or man vs. self (main character has doubts about his true path). What problem must Luhan address? What must he overcome? What must be solved in the story? Clarify the main conflict in your story so that your readers understand what propels your story forward.

I would like to commend you though on being original with the plot. Mixing different genres and AUs is a gutsy and unique move that can attract readers because of its rarity and refreshing take on the genres. Furthermore, the twist concerning a “Sehun” that is different from “Shixun” creates drama in your story that will keep your readers interested in reading to learn who this new character is.

Characterization {9/15}
For now, your characters are flat, and Luhan is bordering on becoming a Mary Sue. In your story, Luhan is the most beautiful, the most graceful, and practically the most everything in the world your story is in. He is practically perfect, and in the eyes of the other characters in the story, he can do no wrong. That is the recipe for a Mary Sue, and that makes his character flat.

It’s the same with Shixun. He’s the most handsome in the story and you’ve described him as strong and smart. The only “flaw” that you have presented is that he’s shy (same with Luhan), but that’s portrayed as endearing in the story, so it’s not seen as a flaw.

To make well-rounded and realistic characters, you should strive to make them complex. Give them flaws! Maybe Shixun is reckless when he’s angry, and maybe Luhan is cowardly. If you look at Harry Potter, he is definitely admirable in his courage, but his flaw lies in him being reckless (and at times being impulsive). What about Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games? Katniss is strong, loyal, and smart, but she’s selfless to a fault. Every person has flaws, and giving flaws to your character makes them more human and more relatable.

Another way to make your characters more well-rounded and dynamic is showing that they have fears and insecurities. Maybe Shixun fears that he will never be as great as a ruler as his late father. Maybe Luhan is insecure about being the only omega in a family of alphas, and that makes him strive to be tougher than he is. Not only will these fears and insecurities give your characters more personality, but they help in explaining the actions and choices that they make.

Another issue that I found is that the relationship between Luhan and Shixun is kind of shallow. The moment that Shixun sees Luhan, he forms an insta-love. Insta-love is a trope in literature where one character sees another character and suddenly decides that they are their soulmate and they want to be together with their soulmate forever. You can see it in Twilight when Bella and Edward’s eyes meet or in Romeo and Juliet. You can also see it in your story where once Shixun sees Luhan, he becomes obsessed with the omega and the omega’s beauty. It even went as far as trusting Luhan already (stated in Chapter 5) when they have only met for a few hours. What’s wrong with insta-love? It creates a shallow relationship between the two.

Shixun is enamored by Luhan’s beauty. Repetitively throughout the chapters, Shixun comments on Luhan’s beauty, but is that all Luhan is? Just beauty? All doe eyes and small button nose? I would like to think that there is more to Luhan’s character that deserves the attention of Shixun. A relationship based solely on physical attraction is shallow and unhealthy at best. Perhaps you can add more depth into their relationship. What are other aspects of Luhan’s character that captured Shixun’s interest? What actions by Luhan became memorable to the emperor? What flaws caught the attention of Shixun?

However, I do understand that your story is just beginning, so you might already have plans for the development of the relationship between the two. I just hope that their relationship will explored and developed properly so that their connection is more believable to your readers.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {8/15}
There are some serious patterns of error in your writing such as subject-verb agreement, comma splices, run-ons, and shifting verb tenses that we will discuss in this section. I will also discuss some concerns regarding word choice and language since you asked for help in making sure that your writing style fits in with the historical elements of your story.

1.Word Choice:

Luhan was chosen to be the famous Emperor Oh’s mate and become the nation’s future queen. (Description)

In the excerpt above, you mentioned that the mate of the emperor is the nation's future queen. The issue here is that the title (“queen”) does not fit in with the type of government and hierarchy that your alternate world has. There are also times where you shift between titles. To clarify, a queen is married to a king, and an empress is married to an emperor. In earlier times, an empress would outrank a queen, though the power of the empress would depend as well on the size of the country and military.

I’ve noticed that you also called Shixun’s mother as “queen,” but this would not be an accurate title for someone of her standing. The mother of an emperor is the empress dowager, and she is addressed as “Her Imperial Majesty.”

2. Language:

“Ge, please don’t be a meanie.” (Chapter 1)

This area is a bit hard to discuss since, as I’ve stated in the Plot area, you can create your own world with your own language. However, since you did ask help in making your language more “historical” [or in this case, I would like to think that you are asking about traditional and old language], we will focus on that. Take note that this is more of a general view of historical language, and it would not apply to every historical setting.

The excerpt above presents modern language in the use of “meanie.” When creating dialogue and using language from a traditional setting, you should make sure that you understand the culture, expressions, and manners in the society. Most of the time, historical language involves the use formal speech and figurative language. Asian language in the old periods has a degree of politeness and formality. Unlike modern language, historical dialogue (especially in the old Asian setting) is more indirect and flowery. Here are examples of modern language and a traditional, historical interpretation:

Modern: I think your dark hair is great. (Informal and straight to the point)
Historical: It must be such an honor for you to carry the night and the stars and comb through it every night. (Formal, indirect, and uses figurative language to like hair to the night sky)

Modern: Guards! Take them away! (Short and informal)
Historical: Guards! Take these lecherous officials and lock them up in prison to await their sentence! (Regal, formal, and flowery)

Now, what is another term for “meanie”? What is a more formal way of chiding Yifan’s teasing? How would you describe how Yifan was acting with Luhan? What would you liken Yifan’s tendency to be a “meanie” to?

To learn more about dialogue and language in historical fiction, you can try watching period dramas or research about the social conventions and expressions in old Asian periods.

3. Comma splice

Each bride has their own turns of meeting the emperor in one day, Luhan happen to be put as the last bride for the emperor to meet for the month. (Chapter 1)

Comma splices happen when you use a comma in between two independent clauses. There are numerous ways to fix a comma splice.There are two ways on how you can remedy the issue: turning the comma into a period and turning the comma into a semicolon. Here are some revised versions of the excerpt above:

Period: Each bride has their own turns of meeting the emperor in one day. Luhan happen to be put as the last bride for the emperor to meet for the month.

Semicolon: Each bride has their own turns of meeting the emperor in one day; Luhan happen to be put as the last bride for the emperor to meet for the month.

Using a period or a semicolon instead of a comma creates a pause that separates the two complete sentences.

4. Run-on

The omega knew his alpha brother didn't mean it in a mocking way and he would always look out for him no matter what and where. (Chapter 1)

Run-ons happen when you do not separate two independent clauses properly. In the excerpt shown, your sentence is lacking a comma to separate the first independent clause (The omega knew his alpha brother didn't mean it in a mocking way) and the second independent clause (he would always look out for him no matter what and where). You should place a comma before the coordinating conjunction (and), like so:

The omega knew his alpha brother didn't mean it in a mocking way, and he would always look out for him no matter what and where.

5. Counters

There was only one candles sat up on the table as their only light source. (Chapter 1)

In the excerpt above, you used the counter “one,” but you followed this by the plural “candles” which means there is more than one candle on the table. You should make sure that your counters and nouns match. Since there is only one candle, then you should use the singular form of “candle,” like so:

There was only one candle sat up on the table as their only light source. (Chapter 1)

6. Shifting verb tense

He did not know what this means and this is the first time he feel it. (Chapter 3)

In the sentence above, you shift between past and present tense. You started the sentence with past tense (“did not”), but the rest of the sentence is in present tense (“means,” “is,” and “feel”) This shifting verb tense can be off-putting for your readers since they will not know whether something happened in the past or in the present. Stories usually use only one main verb tense consistently throughout the story. Therefore, you should choose between past and present tense. Here are revised versions of the sentence above with consistent verb tense:

Past tense: He did not know what this meant and this was the first time he felt it. (“did not,” “meant”, “was,” and “felt” are all in past tense)

Present tense: He does not know what this means and this is the first time he feels it. (“does not,” “means,” “is,” and “feels” are all in present tense)

Now, which of the two verb tenses are you comfortable using? Choose between past and present tense and consistently use it within your story.

7. Subject-verb agreement (assuming that you will use present tense)

The alpha compliment the omega in his mind.(Chapter 1)

The subject “alpha” does not agree with your verb “compliment” since “alpha” is singular and “compliment” is plural. You should always make sure that your subjects and verbs agree in form.Since “alpha” is singular, then your verb should also be singular. Here is a revised version of the sentence above:

The alpha compliments the omega in his mind.

I do recommend that you get a beta reader so that you can run through some of the issues in your writing, have someone proofread your work, and get help correcting patterns of error.

Flow {7/10}
Firstly, there are spacing issues for your dialogue and narration:

“Here we are, these betas will be your servants, Omega Luhan. They will attend to your every need. If you have any inquiry, you may voice them to any one of them.” The alpha speaks once they stop in front of the open entrance. The omega made a graceful nod at the alpha’s explanation. “Yes I will, Alpha. I thank you for accompanying me.” The omega replied with his soft voice. (Chapter 3)

In the excerpt above, you merged Shixun’s lines with Luhan’s lines. Because the two are merged together, the flow of the dialogue is not smooth, and your readers might find it difficult to know who is saying what. You should space out dialogue and make sure that it is clear who is speaking. Here is a revised version of the excerpt with proper spacing:

“Here we are, these betas will be your servants, Omega Luhan. They will attend to your every need. If you have any inquiry, you may voice them to any one of them.” The alpha speaks once they stop in front of the open entrance.

The omega made a graceful nod at the alpha’s explanation. “Yes I will, Alpha. I thank you for accompanying me.” The omega replied with his soft voice.

Next, the pacing of your story is slow, and there are parts where practically nothing interesting happened. An example of this is in your fourth chapter where basically Yifan receives a letter and Luhan is called into the throne room, but apart from these events, nothing else happened, and your story does not progress. This drags the pace of the story. You should strive to have each chapter contribute something to the plot, even if it’s just in a miniscule way. You can present a mystery, a dramatic plot point, or new information that can explain something in the story.

In contrast, I find the development of the relationship between Luhan and Shixun is fast. There isn’t any room for readers to perceive the development. Right at the start, they are already enamored with each other. I would have liked to see and experience how their relationship builds into this deep and meaningful connection.

Presentation {5/5}
I like how you included chapter pictures to show the setting and important people. These pictures help your readers in visualizing key elements in your story. However, remember that overusing this function can show your readers how lazy you can be since you are not describing the elements in your story. Also, remember to make the size of the pictures unobtrusive to the story.

The poster and colors of the background definitely show fluff and a soft romance between your two characters. The poster embodies the theme of cherry blossoms. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment {5/10}
While the premise of the plot and the idea of the world that the story is set in intrigued me, there were definitely some major concerns in the flow and the plot of the story. I was hoping for rich description for the setting and a culture that I could immerse myself in, but the story fell flat on that part. I also could not relate to Luhan since his character seemed unrealistic for me. Personally, I would not continue reading the story, but I do see how other readers would take pleasure in the uniqueness of the setting and the plot.


Overall: 60/100

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