Genre(s): Comedy, romance, drama, romcom

Status: On-going

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Characterization and Writing Style


Title {3/5}
Your title has that quirky, fluffy vibe to it. It’s also very catchy and unique. However, I can’t really see the relation to the story yet. The word “oddly” means that it’s in a way that’s not common or usual. It’s strange. A story about falling in love with someone you heads with and shared a childhood with is definitely not odd, so I can’t really see where the odd attraction would be in the story. To be oddly attracted to someone is to like someone who others would not find attractive or to like someone who is not your usual type. It’s not exactly odd to be attracted to a handsome jerk or, conversely, an awkward dork. If perhaps the main OC is only attracted to person with weird hobbies (for example collecting skulls or dead skin, let’s say), then it would be considered an odd attraction.

Description and Foreword {5/10}
Your description clearly presents the setting, characters, and romantic conflict in the story. Although the description is complete in elements, it sounds pretty cliché. You present contrasts and the usual enemies-to-lovers trope without a solid plot to be its foundation. It’s simply beginning, reuniting or meeting with the enemy/childhood enemy, fights, sudden attraction because of x events, and the question “will they become a couple?” Pretty generic right? Your readers would be wondering what makes your story different from all of the other stories on AFF with the same direction when it comes to romance. It’s a very straight-forward description that doesn’t have that kind of mystery to pull your readers in. They would want more to the story [more on this in Plot]. What’s one concern that Ryujin has that will be tackled in the story? What’s one thing that they have to overcome in the fic?

Next, there are multiple grammatical errors in your description. Having grammatical errors there can make some readers exit the tab with the stroy because these errors can interfere with the readability of the description. Furthermore, issues like word choice can make your summary less sensible.

Take a look at this excerpt from your description:

After returning to Korea, Seo Ryujin clashes into the same household as her once childhood frenemy, Park JIhoon.

The word “clashes” means to get into a confrontation or to have disorder. It doesn’t make sense in the sentence above. I think you mean “crashes.”

Next, you misuse the semicolon two times in your description.

To her, he’s the most undesirable person ever; a cold, hot-headed, grumpy and sarcastic jerk of a jerk.

To him, she’s a mess of a mess; an awkward, dorky, uncoordinated mess.

A semicolon (;) is used to connect two ideas that are related to each other [more on this in Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice]. When using the semicolon (not as a super comma), you have to make sure that the two ideas are independent clauses (a group of words that convey a complete idea [think of these clauses like complete sentences]).

In the excerpts above, what comes after the semicolon are lists of characteristics. You introduce these characteristics using the first parts of the sentences. There, I think that a colon (:) would fit more. Here is a fixed version of the excerpts above:

To her, he’s the most undesirable person ever: a cold, hot-headed, grumpy and sarcastic jerk of a jerk.

To him, she’s a mess of a mess: an awkward, dorky, uncoordinated mess.

Finally, there is an issue with sentence clarity.

But with the help of time, can it bring in these two very odd pairing, into becoming possibly attracted to each other?

In the sentence above, you wrote “two very odd pairing,” which is confusing since you’re talking about only one duo (Ryujin and Jihoon). One pairing is made up of two people, and when you say two pairings, that’s four people. So, rather than “two very odd pairing,” you should write down “this very odd pairing.”

Plot {17/30}
Your story isn’t very unique. There are already a ton of enemies-to-lovers stories in AFF set in a school setting, and after reading all of the chapters, you don’t really bring anything new to the table. The two main characters had a bad start, threw insults to each other, and try to avoid each other. You just add other clichés into the mix, and you don’t make them your own.

You started off with the oops-I-“accidentally”-saw-you- trope (in chapter 2 to chapter 3) that never really added into new to the story. It’s practically the same as just using an oops-I-spilled-coffee-on-you cliché. The two main characters live in the same area. Then of course the main love interest is this popular boy that every girl finds attractive [which is already kind of weird because not every girl would find him attractive], The main character is this shy, new kid in school, and the two main characters share some kind of past (mostly childhood related). We also get the Mean Girls vibes with the three popular girls (in chapter 6). You did try to change it up by making the girls nice (or more specifically, Soyeon), but the two extra-ish girls are still a bit mean. Then, we have the cliché physically-perfect guy falling for a painfully insecure, boring chick. Your readers would want more from your story than just your run of the mill enemies-to-lovers romance.

It was sort of weird how Ryujin didn’t think that hearing the water of the shower hit the shower floor might mean that someone is using the bathroom (chapter 3). It's not that believable. And then it was covered up by saying it’s because she was desperate to take a shower. A normal person would knock first, I think. No matter how desperate you are to take a shower. It’s not just water dripping, but a full-on rush of water. Anyone would know that that’s the sound of the shower running.

Next, the reveal that they knew each other in childhood in chapter 3 wasn’t written effectively. You have a scene where Ryujin looks at Jihoon’s face, but she only thinks about how he’s cute and handsome. The reveal came at the very end of the chapter, and it was thrown in there at the last second. I think you put it there in a way capture your readers’ attention [although it fell flat], and that made the reveal very random and jarring.

In terms of plot development, it’s still a bit unclear where the real plot is [and by that, I mean a plot that is separate from the romance]. I don’t know what Ryujin has to overcome in the story. I don’t know what will push the characters to change and develop. There are thirteen chapters in your story, but for now, I just got bombarded by characters left and right without a clear plot direction in sight.

Characterization {8/15}
There are a lot of characters in your story even though it’s just beginning. By having a lot of characters, other characters can suffer when it comes to character development. There’s no time or space for them to develop. It’s difficult developing many characters without making others seem flat, and I can see how that can happen in your story. We have our two main characters (Ryujin and Jihoon), the awkward friend (Jinyoung), one of the maids (Heejin), the Parks (Mr. and Mrs. Park), the three popular girls (Soyeon and her friends), the flashy girl that shares a past with Jihoon (Jieun), and you even stated that there will be more characters (Wanna One members) coming in the story. That’s an overwhelming number of characters.

The question that you should have when it comes to characters is “Do these characters have an impact in the story?” Will your characters have a role in the development of the plot and other characters or are they just there for kicks? You have to make sure that they all have some sort of significance in the story, whether it’s to push the story forward or to push your main character to develop herself. Having too many characters that don’t really serve any purpose in the story can overwhelm your readers. If you do not want to totally omit the characters from the story, then find a way to give them purpose and better characterization.

Let’s go to your main characters. Ryujin is introduced in the story as awkward, introverted, insecure, and clumsy. That’s…pretty much it. Those are the defining characteristics that you’ve given her. She goes with the flow of whatever happens in the story, and she’s more of a character that simply reacts to whatever happens. That’s a boring main character. She doesn’t do much because she’s painfully insecure, too shy, or she just doesn’t have enough conviction to push forward with what she wants to do.

Your readers would want to read about dynamic characters: characters who do something in the story or characters who have both positive and negative characteristics in a balance (or sort of since there’s room for character development). What are Ryujin’s positive traits apart from being nice? What does she do in the story that pushes the story forward?

Next, the way that you write Ryujin’s character is more tell rather than show. Normally, I would put this concern in Writing Style, but this concern affects Ryujin’s character and how she’s perceived. Let’s take a look at the excerpt below:

I had always been a bit of an introvert myself. Compared with the usual stereotype many would throw onto an American, of being adventurous and outgoing—I wasn’t a bit, not any of it.

I prefer my own little corner. I prefer talking to myself, and I prefer being a bit boring sometimes. I’d rather work with myself than with another person I don’t know. I hate risking an awkward situation. Gosh, I hated those. (Chapter 1)

In the excerpt, you go through a full extent on how Ryujin prefers being alone, and it's so spoonfed that it doesn’t sound real or it just sounds cliché. Rather than simply stating what kind of person she is, show us! Show us how she prefers being alone or how she’s an introvert. Show us how she chooses to avoid groups of people, how she wants to talk to people but she becomes anxious because she doesn’t know how, or how she has to stop talking to people because her energy is depleted because of socializing. Writing down the characteristics of a character instead of showing it is lazy writing and characterization.

Ryujin is insecure as hell, to the point that it’s annoying. I think you’re trying to make her a humble and relatable character by giving her these “flaws,” but it’s too overbearing. She keeps thinking that she’s ugly or she’s stupid. Here is an example:

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so stupid, how can I invite you but not tell you where I was. Forgive me.” Wow… pretty and nice. You don’t have to apologize at all. I’m the stupid one.

Insecurity is not attractive, and though lots of people have insecurities, they don’t think about them every hour like Ryujin does [okay, an exaggeration, but she does think about them repeatedly throughout the story]. She always compares herself to other people or thinks of her flaws (in an “Oh, I’m too awkward to do that” kind of way). She calls herself stupid and average-looking just when someone like Soyeon is talking to her.

There are even times where it is repeated over and over how introverted Ryujin is that it gets a bit annoying/redundant. Like I’ve stated before, instead of simply stating it point-blank that she’s introverted, average-looking, and a dork, show us through actions or dialogue. Develop her character through the plot. Make us like her as a person, not just some flat character who gets swept up in a romance plot and given a buttload of weak traits.

Then, we have this excerpt from your story:

He has calmed down a bit from his previous state and began looking at me in the eyes to which made me blush a little. I’ve never been this close to a guy before, even speaking an eye contact. (Chapter 6)

What is she? A hermit? There is no way that she has never been that close to a guy or that she has not spoken to or had eye contact with any guy in her life. You might be doing this so she’s this wide-eyed, naïve and innocent girl, but innocence doesn’t mean that she’s a baby who had never had human contact. She just talked to Jihoon the night before, and he even guided her to her school. There’s a difference between being shy and completely being separated from humanity. She’s in high school, for Christ’s sake. She even went to school in America! Surely she would have had interaction with men there. They’re not some kind of endangered species that you come in contact with once in a lifetime. This is unrealistic.

Jihoon, in your story, is blunt, a pottymouth, and snarky, but your characters have stated that he’s nice “once you get to know him” although this trait wasn’t shown yet. It’s your pretty standard popular love interest. He terrorizes the main character, but wait, he has this hidden soft heart! There’s nothing new there. He’s an , and somehow…that makes him attractive? What? Give us something more to his character than just handsome, snarky, and a good boy at heart. Give us other flaws or positive characteristics! Make him different from any other popular in high school in the fics here on AFF. The whole “he’s nice once you get to know him” gets old fast, and your readers would want to know more positive traits so they will also like Jihoon.

I do like his voice whenever the POV shifts to his POV [although I still have a problem with this, but I’ll discuss it in Writing Style later] since the writing there is blunt and funny (Chapter 2). Compared to Ryujin’s voice when the chapter is around her POV, Jihoon’s voice has more character and is more entertaining to read.

[I do think that because you have a multitude of different characters that we don’t get enough time to read about interactions between Ryujin and Jihoon (you know, apart from them disliking each other). Other side characters are also not developed and they’re flat, so I don’t really see much of a reason to talk about them at length.]

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {8/15}
When it comes to grammar, you have a lot of errors in your work. I do suggest that you get a beta reader or go over your written work with a friend to spot the errors and correct them. These issues don’t just appear once or twice, but they are repeated throughout the story. I’ve shortened the list to repeating issues, so this area isn’t too long.

1. Word Choice

This concern happens a lot in your writing, and it largely interferes with the meaning of the sentence. If you’re not sure about the meaning of a word, do take the time to check a dictionary or search on the net. Just because there isn’t a red squiggly line underneath it to show that it’s misspelled, it doesn’t mean that you’ve used the word properly.

I should’ve asked Heejin where the hell the bathroom was. There were so much rooms and I was afraid I was going to bargain into Mr. Park’s and Mrs. Park’s room. (Chapter 1)

In the excerpt above, you used the verb “bargain,” and “bargain” doesn’t fit in the sentence. The word “bargain” as a verb means to negotiate terms of a transaction. Did Ryujin negotiate terms into Mr. and Mrs. Park’s room? I think the correct term here is “barge.” Here is a correct version:

I should’ve asked Heejin where the hell the bathroom was. There were so many rooms and I was afraid I was going to barge into Mr. Park’s and Mrs. Park’s room.

Next, we have this excerpt:

I felt a hand quivered on my shoulder and got woken up due to it. (Chapter 3)

To “quiver” means to shake or tremble with a slight rapid motion. It’s sort of similar to shivering. The way you used the word in the sentence above (“quivered on my shoulder”), it makes it seem like the Ryujin felt a hand shivering on her shoulder, and that doesn’t make sense. Here is a fixed version (with a couple of other edits to make the sentence clearer):

I felt a hand shake my shoulder, and I got woken up due to it.

2. Misuse of semicolon

This concern also happens a lot in your story. To clarify, a semicolon (;) is used to connect two ideas (usually in the form of independent clauses) together. It can also be used as a super comma when it comes to a list of huge number of objects. Take a look at this excerpt:

It was him; the person who I had an accident with last night. (Chapter 3)

The part “the person who I had an accident with last night” is not a complete idea or an independent clause, so a semicolon should not be used there. Instead, you should use a colon (:) since you’re introducing an idea with the first part of the sentence.

It was him: the person who I had an accident with last night. 

3. Comma splice

“What about what? You have to take her with you. She’s new, she’s not going to get there by herself.” (Chapter 3)

A sentence contains a comma splice when two independent clauses are separated by only a comma. In the excerpt above, “she’s new” and “she’s not going to get there by herself” are independent clauses separated by a comma. Instead of a comma, you can use a period (.) or a semicolon (;), like this:

“What about what? You have to take her with you. She’s new; she’s not going to get there by herself.” 

4. Misusing punctuation marks

This comes as a whole. I’ve noticed that it’s not just semicolons that you misuse, but a bunch of other punctuation marks as well that make your sentence confusing or have unnecessary pauses.

His snickering and cackling seem to stop once he grasped that I was actually not aware of whatever he was thinking of—and that I was honest with every of my action; every word. (Chapter 6)

In the sentence here, you misuse the long dash and semicolon. The long dash (—) is used to show a break in line of thought or sudden interruption. Instead of the long dash above, you should have used a comma (,). Instead of a semicolon, you could have just used “and.”

5. Shifting verb tense

So for the rest of the class period, I’ll be over at the bleacher watching my classmates as they start their volleyball unit, as told by the teacher.

For your whole story, you use past tense. In the excerpt here, you used future tense with “I’ll” or I will. You should make sure that your verb tense in your story is consistent. Instead of “I’ll be,” it should be “I was.”

6. Prepositions

At first, I was more than disappointed to have left a place I’ve basically developed half than my life to, but as I keep tying the knots together, I thought to myself maybe it would be a bit better to start all over again. (Chapter 1)

You used the word “than” above when you tried to relate the words “half” and “my life.” The word “than” is used to introduce an exception or a contrast. Rather than “than,” you should use the preposition “of.”

At first, I was more than disappointed to have left a place I’ve basically developed half of my life to, but as I kept tying the knots together, I thought to myself maybe it would be a bit better to start all over again. 

7. Terminology

This goes hand-in-hand with word choice, but this is more technical. You would want to show that you know what you’re talking about in your story, especially when it contributes to the characterization of your character. In your story, you’ve stated that Ryujin has played volleyball in her American school and she’s good at it, but then in the scene where she has to serve, you say that she spiked the ball in service (in chapter 10). A “spike” in volleyball is when you hit the ball in a way that it would go down with force. It’s not used when you serve. The proper term to what she did is an overhand serve. The ball goes in an upwards curve over the net instead of going down. Make sure to research about topics that you’re not sure about or things that use technical terms.

Writing Style {5/10}
Generally, your writing style is more straightforward, and it tells things rather than showing them. You stated in your request form that you wanted a light, fluffy story that is easy to read, but in the way that you write it, it’s more like you’re spoonfeeding your readers on every single thing in the story [like what I’ve discussed about Ryujin in Characterization]. Here’s an example:

She seems sharp. Like those type of people who can see right through your bull. I am scared right now. (Chapter 1)

You simply tell your readers that Ryujin is scared. At least describe her feelings or her actions to show that she’s scared! Without these descriptions, your story can become boring and not as engaging. Tell your readers that her hands shook or went dry with one look from Heejin. Give details rather than just simply going “I am this,” “I don’t like this,” “I see this,” or “I feel this.”

Next, I’ve noticed that you change POVs or points of view within chapters, and that can get confusing. Ryujin’s POV is usually the one that you use in your story, but in chapters like chapter 2 and chapter 13, you switch to Jihoon’s POV. Most of the time, the change in POV isn’t even necessary. Jihoon’s POV doesn’t add to the story. It just gives us a glimpse of what he sees or experiences. The switching POV is just confusing or frustrating. There are a couple of ways that you can still change the focus of the story or to have a stable point of view. Here are three ways to do so:

1. Use third person omniscient for all of your chapters
-The third person omniscient is a point of view that does not use “I,” but it gives leeway to the narrator to shift the focus of the story onto any of the characters without being confusing.

2. Focus the first person point of view on one character only
-Since you are using the first person point of view, it gives away the intimate thoughts and feelings of a specific character and uses “I.” Why not just stick to one character? Why not tell the whole story through Ryujin’s eyes? Choose one and stick to it so that your readers do not get confused.

3. Dedicate one whole chapter to one character
-This is still a bit confusing, but there are books that do this trick too. You have Marie Lu’s ”Legend” which alternates between June’s and Day’s perspectives. The author used third person point of view and each chapter focuses on either June or Day. The same is for the book “My Lady Jane.” For example, chapter 1 of the book is in King Edward’s perspective, chapter 2 is in Lady Jane’s perspective, and chapter 3 is in Lord Gifford’s perspective. Dedicate a whole chapter to one perspective instead of shifting between points of view within the chapter.

Next, the writing sounds diary-ish. I know that you want your writing to be light, comedic, and informal, but the way that it’s written at certain parts sounds too informal or like you’re writing in a diary rather than portraying a story. Here is an example:

I had not even noticed that I had somehow ended up in the back of the school. Really… I had not noticed at all. (Chapter 4)

The part “Really… I had not noticed at all” sounds like you’re trying to reassure yourself or writing it down in a diary. Rather than it being funny, it sounds a bit cringey. It doesn’t flow well with the rest of your story.

This brings me to the next point which is that there are parts of your writing that are cringey. By this, I mean these parts are so informal that they don’t work in a work of fiction. Take a look at this excerpt from your

She giggled at my statement. Man… this is unfair. Even her giggle is freaking kawaii! Argh!

You used the Japanese term “kawaii,” and that doesn’t make sense in the context of the story or the writing style. They story is set in Korea, the main character is Korean (at least I think because it is never stated otherwise), and she just came back from America, so why is she using “kawaii”? It’s cringey, like when writers use “Annyeonghaseyo” instead of simply “hello.” Just use “cute” instead, please.

Finally, there are parts where you do use description or details, but these descriptions don’t make sense or are unrealistic. Here is an example:

My eyes grew into a rounded circle shape but without a second thought, I handed him the schedule that I’ve managed to stuff inside the little pocket on my school blazer. (Chapter 6)

You described Ryujin’s eyes as going into a rounded circle shape. What? That sounds kind of disturbing and unrealistic. You can simply state that her eyes widened so that it isn’t confusing or disturbing.

Flow {5/10}
The flow is generally too slow. Your story is already 13 chapters, but the story has spanned only a few days (like around two and a half days?). The scene where Ryujin saw Jihoon in the shower spanned for three chapters when it could easily be just one. Ryujin’s first day of school also spanned for around three chapters when, again, it could easily be one or two chapters. So far, after 13 chapters, nothing has happened in the plot. You simply went through introduction. You might want to merge some chapters or quicken the pace so the story doesn’t drag.

I’ve also noticed that there are parts that are redundant or topics that drag the pace of the story. In chapter 5, you talked about Ryujin’s surprise at her classmate talking to her for three paragraphs. While I understand that it was surprising, I don’t see why it should be discussed for three full paragraphs. Perhaps you can cut down on some explanation and let their actions/dialogue explain.

I do commend you on the flow of the relationship. The two main characters don't instantly fall into insta-love, and you're taking the time to build their relationship.

Presentation {5/5}
Poster is definitely cute, and it fits the vibe of the story. There are no jarring blocks of text, and the text is readable. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment {+1}
The switching POV definitely threw me off. I couldn’t really enjoy the story much because the writing style is too straightforward, and it doesn’t give enough imagery. Plus, I’m not really a fan of clichés. I’m pretty sure that there are readers who like clichés, and they would be drawn to the hate-to-love relationship, but it isn’t really my cup of tea.

Ryujin’s characterization also made it hard for me to enjoy the story. I find the repetitive mention of how she’s not that good looking, how she’s stupid, or how she’s painfully shy annoying. That brings me also to the topic of her claiming to be an “introvert.” There is a difference between being an introvert and just being shy. Ryujin is shy, and she doesn’t show how she’s an introvert in your story yet. Being introverted doesn’t just mean that you're scared to talk to people or that you want to be alone. It also focuses on your energy when socializing. Usually, extroverts feel energized when being surrounded by people, and introverts lose energy when socializing. Too much socializing can lead to energy crashes where introverts are just grumpy or they resort to daydreaming. They recharge by being alone. It’s not just because fear of the familiar or fear of being judged. The way that you described Ryujin seems like she’s just shy.

When it comes to your characters, I never had the thought of “ooh! I like this character! He’s/she’s interesting!” For me, they’re all just….there. I did like Jihoon’s voice when the story is in his POV. Your writing there shows a lot of character. However, Jihoon as a character didn’t interest me as much.

Honestly, at one point, I did wonder whether you’re writing a legit romcom or you’re making a parody of clichés in a romcom. I did check your profile and other works, and I saw that you made a blog about what you didn’t want to read in fics. You’ve listed things like having characteristics in the description, having a weak OC, and predictable/cliché moments, but these are things that I’ve found in your own writing. You even wrote about the self-conscious Mary Sue who thinks about her insecurity most of the time but doesn’t show it in actions and everyone likes her (with the exception of the main love interest in an enemies-to-lovers story) [kinda sounds familiar, doesn’t it?]. You already have a list of things that you don’t want to appear in a story, but why would you still include it in your story?


Overall: 55/100

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