Genre(s): Fluff, romance, and supernatural

Status: One-shot

Graded or Non-Graded: Non-Graded

Note: Mpreg



Title
Instantly, what went into my head was The Little Mermaid. Though the title is catchy, there are a lot of fanfics that are titled “Under the Sea,” and as a reader, I wouldn’t know what makes your story different from the other mermaidAU works that have the same title. I think the title would be more unique or attention-grabbing if it focused on a unique aspect of your story, especially with the twist of mermaids that have seahorse tails.

Description and Foreword
For the Description, the main blurb isn’t attention-grabbing. The part “someone that will change her life forever” is overdone in stories, and your readers will not know what makes your story different. [Side note: Reading the blurb without the mermaidAU genre in mind, it would seem like the story is a run-of-the-mill wolfAU since “mating season” can also be used for those genres.] I do recommend making your blurb more specific and exciting by showing your readers what makes your story unique. What is Minseon? What is the conflict that Minseon faces? What must she and Jongdae address or overcome? What makes the story different from other stories? How does Minseon's life change?

As for the second part of the Description, that part I found really interesting to read. It’s really cool that you merged the Latin name for seahorses and humans to create a new race. I also like the information about the merpeople. It gives more insight and background on the race that you’ve created.

For minor issues, there is one grammar issue with the second part of the Description:

Syngnathidae Sapiens stay loyal to their mate for one season and not for the rest of their life.

In the sentence above, you used the coordinating conjunction “and” to connect the two clauses, but the two clauses contrast. Instead, you should use “but.” Here is a revised version of the excerpt:

Syngnathidae Sapiens stay loyal to their mate for one season but not for the rest of their life.

Plot
The premise of the story is definitely unique. There are some mermaidAUs in AFF, but they’re more focused on the traditional mermaid and siren stories. Having a whole new race with a story that incorporates the nature of seahorses is exciting to read.

The major concern that I had with the plot is that the is not that gripping. Instead of the usual sort of mountain where there’s a rising tension until it reaches the then it curves down to the resolution and ending, the was sort of flat or not as exciting. The problem there could be in two areas: the rising tension and the itself. For rising tension, it seemed like the tension is scattered far apart within the story. It’s not a gradual buildup that leads to the , so it did felt like the where Minseon has to choose whether to stay or leave isn’t as gripping. Then, for the itself, it felt fast. In the story, the is by the end where it almost feels like it’s just part of the ending. Minseon knows that Jongdae isn’t one to settle down at one place, so when he leaves, she stays behind. We don’t see the internal struggle within Minseon to create that gripping of “Will she stay or will she leave?” or “I’ve decided to follow him!” Only when her friends tell her to leave does she go “okay” and swims towards Jongdae. It’s a fast transition. Having a buildup of tension where Minseon’s internal struggle is shown would have the made the story more exciting or riveting.

Next, I wish the “good genes” term was elaborated. Having “good genes” feels pivotal to the plot since it is the reason or logic that is used in choosing mates for the characters. It was thrown around a lot in the story, but it wasn’t explained or made clear. What does having “good genes” mean? Does a merperson with good genes have good bone structure? Strong tail? Good scent? Very fertile? Great camouflage skills? What constitutes to being a mate that is argued over by other merpeople? Is Minseon a larger female compared to other females? [There are species where male seahorses prefer larger females] How does one detect “good genes” in another?

Characterization
Minseon is made up to be this perfect character in the story that it was sort of hard to see what flaws she has that would make her a well-rounded character. The focus of the story is more on having a mate that it seems like Minseon’s character is washed out. She’s just this perfect creature that everyone wants to mate with. What are her flaws? What is she insecure about? Is she indecisive? Is she a scaredy cat? Is she selfless? Is she a doormat [who becomes assertive by the end]?

As for Jongdae, I do see his characteristics of childish, curious, and adventurous, but we don’t see how he develops in the story. Jongdae seems static from the beginning to the end, so we don’t see him grow as a character. What changed in Jongdae by the end? How did he develop as a character?

When it comes to the side characters, I do understand that you can’t fully develop side characters in a one-shot. It’s too either too short or there isn’t enough time/space without slowing down the flow of the story. However, I’m kind of sad with the way Jongin and Luhan were written. It seems like they were only there to serve as overly-jealous characters to prove the main character’s appeal. Perhaps if there was a hint of depth to their characters, like reasoning behind their overprotective nature or a growth in their character. Maybe Jongin wanted Minseon to stay behind because he knows that having one female short might compromise the equilibrium of their herd. Maybe Luhan’s jealousy stems from an insecurity that he will never find a mate that would help him create kids that are strong or will survive because his offspring has never survived a season.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice
There are only some minor issues with your grammar, but they occur frequently in your writing.

1. Comma for two independent clauses and a coordinating conjunction

He had smiled sheepishly and when she left him to find her hiding spot in the kelp forest he had lowered his eyes.

One function of a comma is to create a pause between two independent clauses that are connected by a coordinating conjunction. The pause separates the two complete ideas and gives readers the needed breathing space. Here is a revised version that has a comma to separate the two clauses:

He had smiled sheepishly, and when she left him to find her hiding spot in the kelp forest he had lowered his eyes.

2. Sentence clarity:

It’s an honest wonder he’s going after her when they were together last year.

There seems to be a missing word in the sentence, and without this word, the sentence doesn’t seem clear. Is it “an honest wonder why he’s going after her”?

3. Introductory element comma:

In the end she opens her eyes and laces her pinky with his in a promise.

You did not consistently use commas to separate your introductory elements from your main sentences. Introductory elements are words, phrases, or clauses that introduce the who, what, where, how, or why of independent clauses. The introductory element in the sentence above is “In the end” (it introduces when Minseon opens her eyes). You should place commas after the introductory elements, like this:

In the end, she opens her eyes and laces her pinky with his in a promise.

4. Typos

Minseon shivers at the thought and almost looks over her shoulder to make sure he’s not lurking behind her, ready to someone curl their tails together again.

The word “someone” doesn’t seem to fit in with the sentence. Perhaps you meant “somehow”?

Writing Style
Your writing style is simple, and it flows well when it comes to descriptions and world-building. I like how you show every day things in the eyes of a mermaid or a creature of the sea. For example, we have this excerpt:

The kiss meant nothing, there’s no reason to have krill fluttering around in her stomach and she smiles a shy smile as she settles beside him and stares into the ocean, only to witness a giant moray lunging towards a yellowtail clownfish.

I like how you used “krill” instead of “butterflies.” It shows how language and culture is definitely different in the world that you have created, and this makes it easier for your readers to immerse themselves and believe in the fantasy world.

The only issue is a minor one, and it is easy to address if you want to. There are parts where the dialogue is merged with the narration in a way that it can become confusing for readers to discern who is speaking. Here is an excerpt that shows this:

“You’re thinking of leaving, aren’t you?” he asks and she sighs and shakes her head.

“I can’t leave. I’m just … sad, I guess.” Luhan sighs a little before he nods his head towards the kelp forest.

“Follow him on the way but come back to say goodbye.” Minseon is about to protest that she isn’t going to leave but Luhan leaves her when Jongdae approaches them. He sends her a fond smile and she feels her heart speed up.

In the excerpt above, the second paragraph starts with a dialogue from Minseon, but it ends with narration for an action by Luhan. The third paragraph then starts with a line of dialogue from Luhan, but it is followed by narration for Minseon. Though lines of dialogue are complete sentences, following the dialogue with a reaction from a person who did not say the line of dialogue can be confusing for your readers. You can either restructure the lines by using spacing or place dialogue tags after the quotes. Here is an example that restructures the excerpt:

“You’re thinking of leaving, aren’t you?” he asks and she sighs and shakes her head.

“I can’t leave. I’m just … sad, I guess.”

Luhan sighs a little before he nods his head towards the kelp forest.“Follow him on the way but come back to say goodbye.”

Minseon is about to protest that she isn’t going to leave but Luhan leaves her when Jongdae approaches them. He sends her a fond smile and she feels her heart speed up.

This restructured version makes it clear who is speaking or who says what.

Flow
The flow at the beginning follows a good pace. We aren’t rushed into the world that you’ve created, and your readers are given ample time to really immerse themselves in the setting and culture of the merpeople. However, like I’ve stated in the Plot section, the buildup to the and the itself seems fast [Since I’ve stated it there already, I won’t repeat it here]. Aside from that the romance does seem fast in buildup. For example, you have this sentence at the instance that Minseon sees Jongdae:

Suddenly Minseon doesn’t hate mating season all that much.

They haven’t met each other yet or talked. It’s easy to understand if Minseon states that suddenly she felt that not all hope was lost with the pool of chances that she has with mates, but it specifically mentions Miseon’s feelings about mating season. By seeing one person suddenly she doesn’t hate it? This and the romance between Minseon and Jongdae seem rushed.

The night that Minseon learns about Jongdae, she suddenly wants him to be her mate. What makes Jongdae special? What makes him different from the rest? What qualities pushed Minseon into wanting Jongdae for a mate? I wish that there was more depth to their romance or more explanation/depth to their split-second attraction. While I do understand that in the animal kingdom, attraction could be fast, usually, it’s because of this sort of nature where one animal smells the fertility or something of the other. We don’t get that with Minseon and Jongdae. She just sees him and “bam!” It seems as if everything is good again in the world. Also, without a proper explanation of the “good genes” term, readers might not understand what exactly attracted Minseon to Jongdae that quickly in terms of genes.

Presentation
The font size is smaaaall! I had to either zoom in using the browser or use the text-resizer in AFF. You might want to use a bigger font size so that your readers do not have to use extra measures to read the story.

Overall Enjoyment
I did enjoy the story for the premise. It was fun trying to see how you would be able to incorporate the nature of seahorses to the story, especially in the writing style. It was also definitely a refreshing take on the mermaidAU, and you did a great job on really working on the world that the story is set in. However, I didn’t feel the rising tension and the that would have made a gripping story. I thought that it would be better if the thought of Minseon leaving would be given more importance to the structure of their group or to the dynamic of their herd, or it would create internal conflict within Minseon like trying to rationalize that the herd is her home and she wouldn’t know what she could face with Jongdae. I didn’t feel the tension or have that “Oh my God” kind of feeling or factor. The conflict of whether to leave or stay isn’t as gripping so the end was kind of mellow, and because of that, the resolution of Minseon choosing to stay with Jongdae isn’t as powerful as it could have been. I was also kind of sad that Jongin and Luhan’s characters are given more depth; they’re just there to prove how beautiful Minseon is or how sought-after she is.
 

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