Genre(s):Angst, dark, suspense, and thriller

Status: On-going [One chapter and a teaser]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Presentation

Warnings: Rated M and trigger warning



Title {5/5}
Your title is definitely unique and catchy. It rolls off the tongue easily. I have yet to see the relation of the title to the story, but I can already see hints of how Taeyeon is the one who would be disillusioned in the relationship. So, there are no problems here! Good job!

Description and Foreword {5/10}
The Description does not present a clear synopsis of the story, so your readers do not know what the story is about. For now, you presented the meaning of the words “la douler exquise.” Though the words are pretty, it does not give your readers a clear idea what the premise of your plot is. Remember, the Description of your story is what sells your plot to your readers. Perhaps you should provide a short blurb on the story that connects the meaning of the words to your plot. Who is the one that is unattainable? Who is the one that feels the heart-wrenching pain? What is the connection between Taeyeon and Jiyong? What is the conflict in the story? What is the setting of the story?

As for your Foreword, I would like to commend you on creating a short, gripping piece that strikes interest. It’s suspenseful and dramatic enough that it would interest readers in clicking the “next” button.

Plot {22/30}
There isn’t much of a plot yet present in the first chapter. It’s more of a background or a limited view of their current lives (that is limited to one night only). Since the Description does not provide a hint of the plot and the first chapter is only a background, the story is not year clear to your readers.

A first chapter usually presents the background and end or introduce the inciting incident. An inciting incident is the event that starts the stories’ problem. This is the moment where the story takes off. Currently, your first chapter only presents a background Jiyong and Taeyeon. Jiyong is the cheating boyfriend, and Taeyeon is the doubting girlfriend, so what happens? I do suggest that you present the inciting incident in your first chapter so that your story has a foundation or push where it can gain momentum.

Next, perhaps you can add tension in the story on Taeyeon’s side of the background by emphasizing the events that lead to her doubt. You mentioned in your story that their relationship was hanging by a thread. Elaborating on the events that lead to her doubt will bring angst and drama to her side of the story. What are the different that made her doubt Jiyong? How is their relationship hanging by a thread?

Characterization {12/15}
For now, since you only provided one chapter, your characters are still flat. Jiyong is the typical jerk boyfriend who cheats on his girlfriend, and Taeyeon is the typical, heartbroken and doubting girlfriend. You should add more complexity to their characters. What’s different about Taeyeon? What makes Jiyong different from other -types?

One way that you can bring their characters to life in the first chapter is to provide hints on their personalities. I can see from your Foreword that Jiyong has this whole aggressive, possessive, and almost psychotic side to him. You can hint at this in his part of the first chapter. Rather than simply being a male, make him grab onto the girl too tightly to the point that bruises are left on her skin, or maybe the girl saw something dark flash in his eyes. Subtle descriptions like these can bring your characters to life and add an element of mystery to their character.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {15/15}
There are only tiny mistakes in your writing. Your English is impeccable! Good job!

1.Redundancy:

She groaned again, her body undulating in a y wave, her legs opening wide. (Chapter 1)

The word “undulating” is redundant with the words “y wave.” Undulating already means forming waves, so “y wave” is not needed. You should omit either “undulating” or “y wave.”

2. Very minor punctuation mark issues:

She trusted Jiyong. Right? He was her boyfriend, after all. (Chapter 1)

In the excerpt above, it seems that you were asking a rhetorical question about Taeyeon trusting Jiyong, but you separated the question “right” from its main sentence with a period. Instead of a period, I suggest that you use a comma. Here is a revised version of the excerpt:

She trusted Jiyong, right? He was her boyfriend, after all.

Apart from these minor concerns, I can't find any major patterns of error that would hinder your readers' comprehension of your story. Once again, good job!

Flow {6/10}
The pacing of the story is slow, for now. You simply showed background for Jiyong and Taeyeon, but essentially nothing happened. You can add tension and propel the flow of the story forward by adding a vivid or gripping ending statement in the first chapter. Tying in with my comment in Plot, this statement can also be your inciting incident.

Presentation {2/5}
Firstly, the text is small for those who use their laptop. I had to use the option to enlarge the text. On mobile, it’s easier to read. Always make sure that the size of your text is easy to read for both laptop and mobile users so that they will not have any difficulty in reading your work!

Next, the poster is definitely pretty, but I question whether it suits the vibe of your story. The poster appears soft, especially with the lost and vulnerable expression on Taeyeon’s face and muted colors, but the genre that your story is in is angst, drama, thriller and suspense. Posters under these genre need more intensity and mystery to embody the fast-paced, gripping style of thriller and suspense. Furthermore, the cursive lettering is more whimsical than dark. Overall, the poster hints more on a soft romance with the colors, expressions, and font. This concern can mislead your readers on the tone and genre of your story.

Overall Enjoyment {7/10}
The Foreword piqued my interest on the plot, but the first chapter was slow in pace, and it does not drive your story forward. The there, I find, is rather pointless for now since the ramifications of Jiyong’s actions is not seen yet. I think it would be best if more of the story is fleshed out to make the story an enjoyable read.


Overall: 74/100

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