Genre(s): Comedy and romance

Status: Complete [Thirteen chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Non-Graded

Focus: Plot and Overall Enjoyment




Title
The title is long, and it’s a mouthful.The long title sounds cliche, and it might make your readers wonder what makes your story different from any other stories that involve “love” and “mistakes.” Though I could see the relation of the title to your story, perhaps you should opt for a shorter title that revolves around the main theme of “mistakes” so that your readers can distinguish your story from the rest.

Description and Foreword
Firstly, your description is vague. I understand that you want to have some mystery surrounding your story, but using words or details that are too vague can confuse your readers and make the story seem too general. It’s not wrong to be a bit mysterious in your description, but being vague might not attract your readers into reading the story further. You should provide at least some basic information about your premise. Who is the protagonist or the “she” in the description? What is this “mistake” that pushes the plot forward? What is the setting of your story? Who did she met?

Next, the first sentence in your description is not clear and does not make sense. Let’s take a look at the first sentence that I was referring to:

Mistakes are known to be doing something wrong

In the sentence above, you stated that mistakes are known to be doing something wrong. This statement does not make sense because you wrote it in a way that means “mistakes” are recognized or well known as things that do something wrong. You should clarify your sentence here to avoid confusion from your readers. Are you trying to define what a mistake is? Are you stating the general view on mistakes?

Lastly, your description is very spaced out, but the use of whitespace is not effective for your description. I kind of understand that you are using space to make your description more dramatic, but for simple background information like “she was an orphan,” it doesn’t need a single line or whitespace around it because the information itself isn’t dramatic. You can easily make the first line about mistakes a single-line paragraph, and then you can merge the other lines together to make two paragraphs. Here is a revised version with effective spacing [and proper punctuation, spelling, and capitalization]:

Mistakes are known to be doing something wrong.

She was an orphan. She was alone. She was longing to love and to be loved. She made a mistake, which gave her the family and love she longed for.The perception of a mistake was completely wrong in her life.

But, what if one day the mistake she did threatened her back to take away the family and love she got? Will her love overcome the mistake? or the mistake punish her love?

Plot
As for plot [excuse this harsh set of words], your plot is composed of many cliche elements that are roughly stitched together and sprinkled with points of convenience. All of this comes together to make an unrealistic story. What do I mean by this? You have your cliche orphan who meets her parents at the end, amnesia, insta-love, and hot guy who turns out to be this rich chaebol. Somehow, they fall in love within hours (technically, less than an hour for the girl) of meeting each other. These elements make your story cliche.

There also are parts that are only placed there for convenience and are not at all realistic. One example is chapter 1 where Yonghwa tells Shinhye his name and blood type at the very first instance instead of worrying about the child. What confuses me even more with this is that, as revealed in the latter chapters, he was run over by a car, and the impact was strong enough that he lost his memory [and he needed surgery]. That accident would have rendered him unconscious, especially since he would have suffered a concussion that is bad enough to give amnesia.

Another plot point of convenience is the child. The baby came out of nowhere [figuratively speaking], the baby did not have a background, no one was able to find the parents, and Shinhye and Yonghwa were able to adopt the baby at the drop of a hat. I believe there would be more paperwork and more effort in searching for the real parents of the child should police find out that a child is found alone. Also, in chapter 11, it was shown that Yonghwa was going towards the baby when he got hit by a car, wouldn’t this mean that the baby was somewhere in the middle or near a road? How did no one else hear the baby?

Next, I also feel like the amnesia is another point that is placed in the story for convenience. It was not stated by the doctor or by Yonghwa how much memory he had lost or what things he remembers. Your story makes it seem like he forgot everything, which can happen, but the way that it was handled in the story is unrealistic. Why did he not freak out at seeing Shinhye and the baby if he doesn’t remember them? Why didn’t he look for his parents or any family? Why didn’t he protest when Shinhye brought him into her house which he doesn’t remember? Why didn’t he panic when he couldn’t remember anything? It is also unrealistic with how in the latter chapters he suddenly remembers everything in one moment after seeing one picture.

There’s also the concern that I had with Shinhye feeding Hana the first time. In chapter 6, Shinhye suddenly feeds Hana when she was not lactating at the time. Yes, feeding a baby who is not yours when you have not been pregnant is possible, but this act needs some kind of preparation. Usually, a mother would have to induce lactation for that to happen either through pumping, hand expressions, or taking in hormones. It would take commitment and time before that happens, but Shinhye never did any of that, and suddenly she can feed a child.

Finally, the major concern that I had is that your plot basically includes kidnapping and fraud, but it is downplayed by the excuses that Shinhye made that she is lonely, that she doesn’t want to upset Yonghwa, and that she feels embarrassed about her mistakes. Firstly, she lies to medical professionals and in the medical records about Yonghwa, her relationship with Yonghwa, and the baby. This is considered fraud. She deceives professionals, records, and Yonghwa for personal gain [in this case, companionship].

Then, she takes Yonghwa and the baby to her house and keeps them there for two months when she is neither family nor has she gotten consent from Yonghwa or the baby’s family. This is considered kidnapping [The legal definition of kidnapping is unlawfully carrying away a person through force or fraud, or detaining a person against their will]. You might tell me “she got consent from Yonghwa because he followed her.” He followed her because of the false notion that she is his wife--a lie said to a man who has amnesia. It’s the same as stating that is not because the victim didn’t say “no” because they were intoxicated or was not told that he/she would be involved in ual activities. That is still fraud, and that would still be kidnapping.

[I know these comments sound harsh, but I cannot just sit by idly and not point out how the story glorifies fraud and kidnapping and calls these two simple "mistakes" that somehow can get a person a happy ending. It's not a good message to send to your readers.]

This last point makes the story very unrealistic because of how Shinhye handled the situation and how none of Yonghwa’s family members spent time and effort to look for him. Surely, as a rich businessman, people would wonder why he did not show up to his meetings or his work, and his family would be able to send out a missing person’s report, call local authorities, or even use media to find Yonghwa.

Always make sure that your plot [if it is set in the real world and uses real world rules] is realistic or at least logical. Plot holes and concerns like the ones listed above can confuse your readers or give them false ideas and messages on things like feeding, amnesia, and kidnapping/fraud. If you’re not sure about something, research it first! Scour the internet or read up some articles.

Characterization
Shinhye is your typical Mary Sue who is rich and perfect, and everyone loves her. She has a “past” where she doesn’t know her parents, but this doesn’t leave a mark with her personality. She has never had a boyfriend nor has anyone else “touched” her or talked to her “more than a simple hai and bye” (chapter 2). She also has never had any interest in anyone. All of these make her character flat and concerning. Right at the beginning, she already falls for Yonghwa after seeing how handsome he is (chapter 1). Then, she was able to pull off fraud without anyone noticing in the hospital, and Yonghwa immediately trusts her with a baby and his life though he cannot remember her. Her only concern is herself and how she has been lonely all this time. In that sense, it seems like she can do no wrong [and even when she did, by the end of the story, her “mistake” still led her to the best life]. To me, she doesn’t really love Yonghwa; she just wants someone to be in her company.

[In that case, I do suggest that she buys/adopts a dog or a puppy rather than to kidnap a man and a baby.]

What concerns me about her character is that she is unrealistic and not relatable. Firstly, she has no morals or ethics. She blatantly lies to everyone around her and doesn’t stop to think that she’s kidnapping a baby and a man by taking them away from their family. Sure, at times she would think about the man’s “wife” and the child’s “mother,” but she quickly dismisses that because apparently, her heart tells her not to let these people go.

Secondly, right from the get-go, she’s already possessive and jealous of a man she has never spent time knowing. In chapter 1, when she saw a nurse looking at Yonghwa appreciatively, her first thought was that he was “hers,” and she got jealous. She doesn’t even know him! All she knows about him then was his name and blood type. Unless she has a thing for A- blood types, I don’t see how she could already be so enthralled with Yonghwa.

Next, in chapter 2, though knowing that she is not, in any way, related to baby, she encourages the baby to call her “omma” or mother and refers to herself as “omma.” She is actively trying to make the baby refer to as her mother, and not once did she think that it is in any way wrong. Although I would understand that she would have some kind of motherly instinct to protect a child, but calling it her own and telling the child to call her “omma” not even a day after she’s been with a child is unrealistic and maybe a bit insane.

When it comes to Yonghwa, his character is also flat and unrealistic. At first, the only thing that readers know about Yonghwa is that he is handsome. That is basically what Shinhye keeps thinking. What about his personality? Yonghwa basically doesn’t have one. The two defining things that we learn about him is that (1) he is handsome [with abs] and (2) he [somehow] loves Shinhye. Those two are not enough to make a well-rounded or complex character.

After finding out that she lied to him about everything [and how she kidnapped him and a child], he thinks to himself “I hate her….I hate her so much…..but….I love her more than I hate her……” Shinhye basically did a lot of horrible things, but he still forgave her when she never tried to ask for his forgiveness. That is pretty concerning, and it’s a bad message to send to your readers. Another concerning point is that he left the child with Shinhye. A child with a stranger. Though I understand that he would know that he does not have any ownership of the child, leaving a baby with a stranger who is not the mother of the child for six months is not something that anyone would simply shrug off.

If you are planning on revising your story, I do suggest that you make your characters more realistic. Have them respond to the events like any other person. Someone with amnesia wouldn’t simply trust someone they don’t remember. Give Shinhye a conscience and some morals. Give them some personality traits that are consistent in your story! Maybe Yonghwa is impatient, or maybe Shinhye is extroverted. Do not just depend on looks or the plot alone to give your characters any character.

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice
There are many major patterns or error in your writing, and I do suggest getting a beta reader to help you in addressing these issues. I’ve narrowed the list down to seven since the review is already very long, and I do want to target major patterns of error.

1. Overuse of the ellipsis

When I locked and stepped out of the hyper market it was about 11:30pm…..the road was dark since all the shop’s will be closed around 11….my house is few blocks away….so I always choose to walk…..My life is nothing special a very ordinary one…I’ll wake 6 in the morning….cook something….and eat alone sitting in the couch starring at the dining table….i always wonder why on earth I bought it….for I never even used it….(Chapter 1)

This issue is the biggest pattern of error in your writing. You overuse and misuse ellipses. An ellipsis is a punctuation mark that is composed of three consecutive dots or periods (...). To clarify, there are two uses for ellipses: omitting unnecessary information and showing hesitation. Here are examples of each:

a. Omitting unnecessary information (especially with quoted information)
Full quote: “Today, after hours and hours of searching, we found the bodies of the missing boys.”
Shorter quote: “Today...we found the bodies of the missing boys.”

b. Hesitation
“I don’t...think...it matters,” she said, her eyes downcast.

The ellipses in the excerpt from your story does not adhere to the two uses. Instead of ellipses, you should use other punctuation marks that are more appropriate. Here is a revised version of the excerpt using proper punctuation marks:

When I locked and stepped out of the hyper market, it was about 11:30pm. The road was dark since all the shop’s will be closed around 11. My house is few blocks away, so I always choose to walk. My life is nothing special a very ordinary one. I’ll wake 6 in the morning, cook something, and eat alone sitting in the couch staring at the dining table. I always wonder why on earth I bought it for I never even used it.

You should use a single period (.) when ending a sentence. You should use a comma (,) to separate items in a list (“I’ll wake 6 in the morning, cook something, and eat alone”).

2. Misspelled words

I patrterd my wet face with the towel and saw both of them were still sleeping soundly…..(Chapter 5)

The misspelled word in the sentence above is “patrterd.” There are letters in the word that are not needed. I think the correct word is “pat” rather than “patrterd.”

3. Lack of quotation marks

Mam…do you need something? She asked me politely…… (Chapter 1)

The dialogue above lacks quotation marks. Quotation marks (“ ”) are used to show quoted material or dialogue. Here’s a revised version of the sentence with quotation marks and proper punctuation:

“Mam, do you need something?” she asked me politely.

Since “Mam, do you need something?” is the part that is said by the nurse, there are quotation marks at the beginning and end of the dialogue.

4. Sentence clarity

My heart was about to jump out……and my body became to tremble….

In the sentence above, “my body became to tremble” does not make sense. To clarify the sentence, you should make it simpler. Instead of “my body became to tremble,” you can simply write “my body trembled.”

5. Word Choice

I fondled my fingers and was looking around the room

The word “fondled” means to “ or caress lovingly or ally,” and that does not fit in with the image that you are portraying in your sentence. I think the word that you are looking for is “fiddled” since this shows more of a nervous action.

6. Text language

.you wont leave me alone like appa rt…..you will be with me forever rt (Chapter 10)

You used informal language above with “rt.” Text language should only be reserved for texting rather than fiction writing since it shows informality, and it is unprofessional. Instead of “rt,” you should write the whole word. What does “rt” mean?

7. Shift in point of view

he was everything I longed for…….i was selfish……but I was happy after so many years……loving him was a mistake…..but it was my favorite mistake………I sobbed hugging myself……I was wearing his shirt…….so it was like I’m hugging him……….

My steps was heavy when I entered the house…..which has the memory of us….when I had no memory of my past…..I heard sobbing sound…..and my heart pained knowing who is it from….i promised to her that I wont make her cry again……but I failed…….(Chapter 10)

If your readers aren’t paying special attention, they might think that the second paragraph is still in Shinhye’s point of view. However, I can see that there is a shift in point of view. The first paragraph is Shinhye’s perspective, but the second paragraph suddenly shifts to Yonghwa’s perspective. This shift in point of view within a chapter with no warning can throw your readers off from the story. If you want to shift the point of view from one character to another character, I suggest that you do it in another chapter dedicated to that character, or to not shift perspectives at all.

As I’ve stated at the start of this area, I can only list seven patterns of error, but there are more in your writing. This is why I really suggest a beta reader to correct the errors in your writing.

Flow
For Flow, I believe that the flow of the relationship between Yonghwa and Shinhye is too fast. Shinhye, right from the very start, is already attracted to Yonghwa to the point that she is possessive. They do not know anything about each other, but they suddenly care for each other and do not want to be apart from each other. Right in the second chapter, you already have this thought process from Shinhye:

but…but…this man….I know he is married…I know he has a daughter…….but I want him in my life…not..Because he is handsome…..but…something in him attracts and pulls me towards him….my heart is begging me to make him mine…..but my brain is protesting doing it…….

There is no progression in the relationship. Shinhye doesn’t know anything about Yonghwa, but then she’s suddenly attracted to him. She decides that she can’t let him go no matter what, even with the thought that he’s a married man with a daughter. By chapter 5, Shinhye has already decided that Yonghwa is everything to her, when your readers haven’t seen them talk about themselves or their interests. Shinhye does not know what Yonghwa does, what he likes to do, who his family is, or what he’s like, but she’s already so sure that she needs him in her life.

Though I can see that the pacing of the conflicts within the story is all right, the fast-paced relationship and events or shifts in events is confusing and overwhelming. Slow down! Well-developed stories give time for readers to see the development in relationships and in the plot. You don’t go from 0 to 100 within seconds. Your readers would want to see how the relationship builds and how the events unravel one by one.

Presentation
The poster represented the story well since it showed a romcom vibe with the pictures of the main characters. I also like the use of the painting of a tree since it looks like a mural that one would place in a baby’s room. Your Description and Foreword are neat, which is nice to see when reading a story. My only gripe is the overuse of the ellipses which creates weird spaces between words and sentences. It’s not pleasing to the eyes. Hopefully, if you use proper punctuation [as I have shown in Grammar, Sentence Structure, and Word Choice] you will be able to address the issue with the ellipses.

Overall Enjoyment
Overall, I did not enjoy reading the story. There were many issues in the story that made the experience uncomfortable. As I’ve stated in the review, there were issues with punctuations, especially the ellipsis. This alone made reading difficult.

Additionally, there were plot holes and parts that seemed illogical, and the characters were flat and also unrealistic. There were times where I would go “what?” when I encounter strange plot points. For example, when Shinhye found Yonghwa, the first thing that Yonghwa told her was his name and blood type. He was run over by a car, bleeding profusely, and beside a crying child. I doubt that he would be able to remember to tell the person who found him crucial detail like that in that kind of situation.

The flow of the story and the relationship is fast to the point that your readers are not given enough time to digest what is happening. The time skips are not smooth. For example, in chapter 9, it has only been two months, but then in chapter 10, you already start six months after Yonghwa was found without any transition or explanation on what has happened to Yonghwa, Shinhye, or the child.

Lastly, your writing style is straightforward, but it tells your readers your story more than shows. You write “I did this,” “I did that,” “he looks like this,” or “he is that,” and this limits your readers imagination. Your readers will not be able to envision your story vividly. How did Shinhye know that Hana had a fever? In what way did Yonghwa spoke that sounded sweet to Shinhye? What did the setting or the house look like? I do suggest that you add more description and show your readers what is happening rather than simply telling them what happened.
 

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