Genre(s): Dark, drama, fantasy, romance, and supernatural

Status: Completed [Eight chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Non-Graded

Focus: Plot and Overall Enjoyment



Title
The title is definitely unique, and it focuses clearly on the power of the devil that is present as a theme in your story. My only concern is that the title is missing an article, and this missing article makes your title sound off. Since you are talking about a specific devil (Jimin), you should place the article “the” before the “Devil”. Here’s how it would look: “Vigor of the Devil.” Including the “the” in the title shows that you are referring to a specific character.

Description and Foreword
The Description presents an intriguing premise, and it definitely captures the idea of your story. However, it does not present the conflict of your story. For now, your Description simply presents the key points of the story. What is hindering Chayeong? What does she want or must overcome? There are different ways where you can present the conflict. You can declare what’s hindering her. Here is an example:

If only she knew the bigger risks at stake.

This sentence shows that there is something more to the story, and it presents a conflict that is hindering the main character. Another way is to present a question. Here is an example:

Will she understand how love can be the cruelest euphoria?

Though a bit cliche, because the question presents something that the character has to achieve in the story, readers will understand what issue the character has to face. This question also hooks readers in and prompts them to read the story to find an answer to the question. It gives them something to hold onto and look for.

What is the conflict of your story?

Plot
I’m not gonna lie: I had so many assumptions going into the story. I thought that you simply presented too much of the plot at the start, that the background of the character is already given away too quickly, and the structure of the events would be predictable. However, by the end of the view from Chayoung (the chapters titled The Receptionist) completely threw me off (in a good way, I assure you!). It made me remember that the view that I was looking through was from Chayoung, so not everything is served on a silver platter. The plot twist at the end surprised me because you had written Jimin as this mysterious creature that showers Chayoung in affection (more on this discussion in Characterization) that I did not anticipate the twist. Great job!

I also like how there are three perspectives for the story, and each perspective adds something more to the plot, whether it’s information about the characters’ motives or what happens after the ending for each character. However, I did wish that the three perspectives tie together more smoothly. For example, for the perspective of the CEO, the chapter skips the description for the main points in the story about Chayoung’s work in seducing him. I find Chayoung asking him to break up with Yoonbi a main point, and I was kind of disappointed that this part wasn’t given justice in the chapter with the CEO because I think it would have added more perspective into the scene. The chapter focuses more on the ending for the CEO. Providing a sort of recap, even if it’s just Taehyung’s reflection of his feelings and thoughts as Chayoung tried to manipulate him (like in the part where he has to break up with Yoonbi) would provide coherence to the whole story.

The plot about asking the devil for a favor is not that unique (you have stories like Doctor Faustus as an example of asking a devil for a favor and ultimately dealing with the consequences), but I like the angle of how she readily accepts becoming this twisted person because of all the anger and hurt that she has faced. It’sa definite difference compared to those stories where the main character is unsure or the deal was made by accident. Chayoung accepts the devil completely.

Next, the part at the end where Taehyung mentions Chayoung seduced him in high school was a plot twist that wasn’t executed as well as I had hoped. When I read that part, I was just confused at where this plot twist came from. Perhaps you should have a foreshadowing or a hint in the earlier chapters that there is something more than meets the eye in regards to Taehyung’s connection to Chayoung so that readers will question and wonder if there’s something more to their story. Also, by doing so, the part about the seduction will have more of an impact rather than something that can confuse your readers.

In addition, the ending for Chayoung’s perspective is not clear. Currently, you ended the perspective with a line from Jimin, but as a reader, I don’t know what happens to Chayoung. Though I understand that the ending becomes clearer with the other perspectives in the story, it would still give more impact and clarity if you add what Chayoung felt, saw, or or heard that shows clearly that she died (actually, I’m not even sure how she died since it was never mentioned). The ending should show how Jimin killed her, in Chayoung’s perspective, to create more of a shock factor. Perhaps her vision turned to black after Jimin spoke or she felt a searing pain somewhere in her body. Create a vivid image or write a vivid line that hints towards her end.

On another note, I have a concern over Jin’s ending. I’m so confused at why Jin still has to go even if he has the heart and he’s alive again. This part wasn’t tied together properly. Did he have to go because his time was certainly up? What’s the point of the heart then? Why was the light white? I suggest that you give even a small hint or an explanation why Jin suddenly disappears. Though it did provide much needed drama for Jimin, this sudden twist is half-baked.

The last concern that I have with the plot is I’m not quite sure if the Epilogue is needed in your story. You’ve already tied together loose ends by the end of the chapter for the CEO, and the drama present there already leaves a big impact on your readers. The Epilogue does not present more answers or revelations for the story, so it falls flat in comparison to your other chapters and seems forced.

Characterization
I did enjoy reading about Chayoung when she’s slowly sinking into this vengeful and dark person, but the progression into this kind of person is rushed for me. In your description of Chayoung, you mention how she’s innocent but with a darkness within her, but in the story, she already shows how she’s vengeful and angry within any hesitation to what she’s doing to Yoonbi. The innocent side of her (not the ual innocence, mind you) is not explored fully. I was waiting for her to have hesitations to provide minor conflict in the story, but I didn’t find any. Because of this, it seems to me that the description does not match with how Chayoung acts.

Furthermore, the change from having no one ask her out in the company to being this woman with ual appeal is not explored or explained properly in the story. It’s hard to believe that she comes in one day and bam! Guys now believe her and want her. What did she do to have this change? Perhaps an explanation on this will shed light on the sudden shift of the interest of the men around her.

Now, as I’ve mentioned in the previous area, you’ve written Jimin as this devil who was kind to Chayoung and the only cruelty that she saw was that he constantly broke her heart by being with other girls. Like I’ve said, I’ve had my assumptions, and at first I was so confused by Jimin’s character because I believed that he was too nice to be the devil. He constantly does these sincere gestures. However, it isn’t until the very end and the succeeding chapter from Jimin’s point of view that I commend you for creating this confusion. You threw your readers into a vulnerable state by confusing them with his kindness and ultimately getting your readers to trust him. This creates a bigger impact at the end of the story and in the Devil’s perspective. Again, good job!

I also commend you for presenting clear motivations for each of the characters. Chayoung wants to get money and revenge because of how she was treated. Jimin wants to corrupt Chayoung for a friend. Taehyung also wants revenge and to win Chayoung’s heart. Even Yoonbi has motivation in wanting attention and love from people. Giving characters clear motivation helps in showing your readers the logic behind their actions. Keep up the good work!

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice
Since you stated that you do not want to focus on the grammar, this part of the review won’t be as in-depth. Instead, here are some grammar concerns that I hope you will look into to convey your story clearly to your readers:

1.Verb tense:

-Your verb tenses are inconsistent. You shift between using present tense and past tense tense in your story. You should use only one main verb tense.

2. Vague Pronouns:

-There are parts where the antecedents for your pronouns are not clear. Here is an example: “But, I remember my family. They always welcomed me warmly after school. Those evil things that they did disappeared from my mind.” Who is the “they” that you are referring to in your third sentence? Is it Chayoung’s family or the bullies?

3. Subject-verb agreement:

-Some of your verbs do not agree with your subjects. Here is an example: “The devil live from human’s sin, the love when human become evil.” The verb “live” does not agree with your subject “devil” since “devil” is singular and “live” is plural.

4. Comma splices:

-Comma splices happen when you use a comma in between two independent clauses. There are numerous ways to fix a comma splice. One example is turning the comma splice into a period, like so: “She reads books, she’s a writer.” into “She reads books. She’s a writer.” Another example is turning the period into a semicolon: “She reads books, she’s a writer.” into “She reads books; she’s a writer.”

5. Confusion in names:

-There is a part in part three of The Receptionist where Taehyung meets Chayoung and he starts calling her Yoonbi. I suggest that you edit this since it shows that you did not proofread properly.

6. Sentence clarity:

-There are sentences that are not clear. Here is an example: “I just fall in to the silent. The wind crushed the whole scene.” How can you fall into “the silent”? What is “the silent”? How can a gust of wind crush a scene? Make sure that your sentences are clear!

7. Telling more than showing:

-I’ve noticed that the way you write is more on telling rather than showing. You state “I did this..,” “I did that…,” and “I don’t like this…” This way of writing is not pleasant to read because it doesn’t help your readers in imagining a scene. You are simply telling them what happened or what the character thinks without providing any description or letting your readers imagine how the scene goes.

These are some of the major issues that I saw in your work. I suggest that you get a beta reader to help you in correcting these issues.

Flow
In the part one, you become repetitive by showing Chayoung’s background, and this slows down the pace of your story. You already mentioned Chayoung’s background in the prologue/The Beginning, so a repetition of the background at the start of part one may drag the story. I suggest that you choose whether to show the background only in the prologue or in part one so that it does not seem repetitive.

In part three, you started the chapter with a sort of filler before going back to the current scene. This filler scene can throw your readers off from the flow of the story. Perhaps you should include this filler as a flashback within the current scene where Taehyun corners Chayoung so that the pacing of the story is not cut at the very start of the chapter.

Another concern is that the transitions between scenes in your chapters are not smooth. For example, in the third part of Chayoung’s perspective, you only used [We arrive at Daegu.Thank you.] as a transition to Chayoung, Taecil, and Taehyung arriving at her hometown. This transition can throw your readers off. You can include a transition by adding a sentence that describes their arrival in Daegu, or even simply adding a time transition to the start of “We are finally arriving at our destination.” Here is a revised version with a time transitions: “After half an hour, we are finally arriving at our destination.” This time transition creates a smooth flow to the current time and place in your story.

On a positive note, I like how you end the chapters with gripping lines or cliffhangers. Here is an example: “Yes, the devil loves to see a human turned into a demon. Because right now, I’m slowly turn into it.” These lines catch your reader’s attention and leave them wanting to learn what happens next. They also create an impact that can make your readers say “whoa” or “oh my God.” Good job!

Presentation
I don’t have any qualms with the presentation. The text in your story is neat and a readable size. The Description and Foreword is not cluttered nor hard to read. Although, I do find the placement of Jimin in your poster a bit awkward. He’s photoshopped too close to Chayoung. Also, Taehyung’s skin color on his face does not match the skin color on the neck of the model. I understand that these points aren’t a direct critique of your story since you did not make this poster, but I thought that it would be good to point these concerns out should you want to know if the presentation in the poster adds to your story.

Overall Enjoyment
I did enjoy reading the story! At first, I thought that things were going too fast and there was confusion because of some parts, but the twists and answers at the end definitely made up for it. Although there were multiple grammatical and structural issues with your writing, I like how you wrote it in a way where the readers do not see something bigger at hand in the story. Since the point of view of the first part of the story is seen from Chayoung, we only see and understand what she understands in the story. It is limited to what she knows and perceives. We don’t have all of the answers because we are given a limited view of the events. So, when the answers come, we are as thrown off as she was. The realization also feels like a sunrise or a slap to the face. Maybe both, and that’s alwaysa good thing. Good job!

Overall, the twists and turns of your story definitely create a riveting piece that throws the readers off from their initial assumptions. I do wish that you would pay special attention to your grammar and writing style. At times, it is not enough if you have a great plot but your writing confuses your readers. I had to keep rereading lines to understand what you are trying to convey. I suggest that you get a beta reader to help you in correcting errors in your writing to significantly improve how you convey your ideas and create an overall great package that can take your readers through a wild journey.

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