Genre(s):Angst and drama

Status: On-going [Eleven chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Characterization

Warnings: Rated M, , and



Title {3/5}
Your title is concise and it ties in with the angsty theme of your story, but it doesn’t roll off the tongue easily. One method that I use to determine whether a title is catchy or not is I imagine someone asking me what I’m reading, and I say the title out loud. When I tried to say “Conscious,” it doesn’t sound catchy. Perhaps you can add more to your title or mold it in a way that retains the feel and idea of the original title but it sounds better.

Description and Foreword {8/10}
Your description definitely captures the inciting incident that propels your story forward, but the conflict is not clear in the description. For now, your description presents the main points of the inciting incident where Kyungsoo wakes up, but the conflict that must be addressed or overcome is not stated. As I’ve stated in an earlier review, there are many ways to present conflict in the description. You can produce a hook at the end to show your readers the main conflict that your character has to face. Examples of these are “If only she knew what was at stake” or “Will she understand how love can be the cruelest euphoria?” Including these hooks at the end of your Description will not only capture your readers’ attention and prompt them to read the story, but it also clearly presents the conflict in your work.

Another concern that I have with the Description is that the focus of your blurb is Kyungsoo, but your chapters do not simply focus on Kyungsoo or his perspective. As a matter of fact, most of your chapters are focused on Jongin’s perspective of the events. There are also times where Taemin’s view is the focus. Since your story does not focus on a single perspective, I suggest that you tailor your Description to accommodate these perspectives so that your readers are not misled into thinking that the focus of the whole story is Kyungsoo’s view. You can add the dilemmas that Jongin and Taemin faces.

Plot {28/30}
Your plot is definitely unique. There are multiple stories about people in comas, but the twist of having a past lover wake up just on the wedding night of a character is something that is refreshing to read. The drama in the story is high, and you’re already left with so many feels (pardon the lack of good grammar here) right in the first chapter. The drama is not overly dramatic; it’s subtle enough to wrench a reader’s heart. In addition, there’s enough tension per chapter that readers are left frustrated or wanting to fling themselves off the nearest cliff. If your one desire is to frustrate your readers, I congratulate you because you definitely did your job!

Now, the cliche with love triangles can definitely throw a reader off. Love triangles where the character can’t seem to choose between two people is overused and unrealistic. You can’t love two people equally at the same time. There’s always one you love more or love differently. However, I do like how you turned it in such a way that Jongin is not ready to cheat on Taemin at a snap. It’s not cliche in the sense that everyone’s cheating on everyone. You made dignified characters, and you focused on them trying moving on though stuck on lingering feelings rather than the simple “who do I chose? Oh no!”

Lastly, I like the inner conflicts for each of the characters. For example, you took the technological advancements in the past nine years in mind and showed how Kyungsoo had to catch up with the times, so to speak. He also feels out of place in his body since he did not experience to his body changing over time. Taemin’s body image issue is also shown. These inner conflicts add depth to the story.

Characterization {15/15}
I am not exaggerating when I say that I love how you portrayed your characters in the story. You did not go through the cliche and overused route in portraying the idols. Differences like how Jongin doesn’t like dancing and Lay isn’t the person who’s gullible and always high make these characters your own and provide a refreshing take on these idols. Jongin is dignified in how he honors his marriage with Taemin, and he doesn’t lie about his misbehaviors. You’ve separated "Kai" and "Jongin" in a non-traditional way by making the nickname “Kai” have a dorky background. Lay is the voice of reason in the story. Taemin is sweet but insecure and has complexities to his character. Hell, even Chanyeol’s character is different. He’s smart and, though he is talkative, he knows how to control himself. These changes keep your readers interested in learning about this whole other character that you’ve created. I also found that you gave the characters foundations and background that effectively add to the plot and explain your characters’ motivations. Examples of these are Taemin’s parents and Kyungsoo’s past. Adding these details give your readers more insight on why Taemin and Kyungsoo act the way they do. Good job!

One concern that I have is Kyungsoo’s sudden shift in becoming this daring seducer in chapter six is too fast that it's almost inconsistent with the character that he has. We learn in the previous chapters that he was the shy type growing up who cannot fight back, but then he’s suddenly this fierce and daring person who would do anything to get Jongin back. Though the twist definitely added drama to the chapter, I was hoping for a small part that shows how he made up his mind to become this bold while knowing Taemin is still in the picture.

Overall, you made well-rounded characters. I commend you for not making any characters that are your typical, y villains, and this let the other conflicts in the relationships between the characters shine through. Instead, you created realistic characters with their own insecurities and complexities. [Although, I still feel like strangling Kai after reading the eleventh chapter. He’s not a villain, and he’s really nice, but I can’t help but feel frustrated with him. Good job on this.]

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {13/15}
When it comes to grammar, I saw that you have three issues in your writing: comma splices, run-ons, and telling more than showing. Let’s break them all down:

1.Comma splices:

This was why he loved him so much, his heart was always in the right place, always pure. (Chapter 11)

This part is a bit tricky. I know that there are countries where comma splices are not issues, so you should take this comment lightly if your grammar rules accept comma splices. However, it is still important to take this grammar issue into consideration. When we talk about comma splices, it’s when you use a comma in between two complete sentences. Normally, we use periods or semicolons to create a full pause between two sentences. Here are some revised versions of the excerpt above:

Period: This was why he loved him so much. His heart was always in the right place, always pure.

Semicolon: This was why he loved him so much; his heart was always in the right place, always pure.

Using a period or a semicolon instead of a comma creates a pause that separates the two complete sentences.

2. Run-ons:

“She? I’m still gay Kyungsoo nine years didn’t change that. It’s not a she it’s a he.” (Chapter 3)

Now, run-ons are when you merge two complete sentences into one. In the excerpt above, there are two run-ons. The first one is “I’m still gay Kyungsoo nine years didn’t change that,” and the second one is “It’s not a she it’s a he.” In this case, you should use a period between the two sentences. Here is a revised version of your excerpt:

“She? I’m still gay, Kyungsoo. Nine years didn’t change that. It’s not a she. It’s a he.”

3. Tell more than show:

She also barely acknowledged Kyungsoo’s presence not that it bothered him in the slightest. Kyungsoo quickly realised that she was a narcissistic, bitter women who was jealous of her own son’s success. Apparently she was also a ballerina in her youth but due to an injury her career ended before it even began. Of course Kyungsoo could understand her sadness over such a thing but it still didn’t give her the right to take it out on Taemin, who was nothing but nice to her.

Taemin’s father on the other hand seemed to be nice enough but he was weak and completely under his wife’s thumb. (Chapter 7)

In the excerpt above, you told your readers about Taemin’s parents rather than showing your readers how Taemin’s parents act. What this does is that it takes away your readers’ ability to imagine what’s happening and to understand how certain characteristics of a person, place, or thing defines that person, place, or thing. Instead of stating that Taemin’s mother is narcissistic and bitter, show your readers how Taemin’s mother might keep sharing about her past. Instead of stating that Taemin’s father was nice but weak, you can show how Taemin’s father tries to say nice things about Taemin, but he’s always cut off by his wife, and he doesn’t fight back.

Flow {9/10}
Although the pacing in your story is not too fast or too slow, I found that the endings of your chapters are not as gripping, and therefore, they do not prompt your readers to continue reading. Take a look at this excerpt from your third chapter:

Jongin eyes kept roaming from the bracelet on his wrist towards the ring on his finger and back again. Feeling completely and utterly torn.

The excerpt above is not dramatic or gripping enough to put your readers on edge to read the next chapter. Ending your chapters on a cliffhanger or on a gripping hook would make your readers want to click next to find out what happened.

The last concern that I have for flow is that in chapter three, Kyungsoo is able to walk around again after two months. You even have him running towards Kai. This part, to me, seemed a bit rushed. Going through physical therapy would take him more than two months before he could walk around again, especially since he was in a coma for nine whole years. His bones would be weak, his muscles have wasted a bit, and he would have trouble with his center of gravity. Furthermore, since Kyungsoo was in a coma, there would be some brain injury there, so his mobility would have significantly declined. I’ve read cases where even after six months, patients weren’t able to feed themselves (and this is from them being comatose for a week!). Make sure to research about physical therapy for those who came out of comas to ensure that the pacing of Kyungsoo’s therapy is realistic!

Presentation {5/5}
The dark tones in your poster and background clearly give the angsty vibe of the story. The font size that you use is readable, and there are no heavy blocks of text. Overall, your presentation is neat and it does not distract your readers from the story. Great work!

Overall Enjoyment {10/10}
I definitely enjoyed the story! There were times where I went “OOOHHHH SH*T!” and I had to walk away from the story to compose myself from all of the bad decisions that happened. The drama and twists were definitely gripping, and your characters are all so developed and lovely. I can’t wait to read the next chapter for your story!


Overall: 91/100

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