Genre(s):Action, adventure, angst, fantasy, and romance

Status: On-going [Thirty-seven chapters]

Graded or Non-Graded: Graded

Focus: Plot and Flow



Title {4/5}
After a quick search through AFF and Google, I can see that the title is not unique. There have been other fics with the title, and there are also bands and films with the same title. However, I do find the title catchy since it rolls off the tongue easily, and it’s short enough so that it is easy to remember. It is also definitely relates to your story regarding the loss of the sun.

Description and Foreword {9/10}
Your blurb in your description is attention-grabbing, and the idea of a world without a sun is intriguing. It will definitely convince your readers to keep reading to find out what happens to Jinae, the world that they live in, and the boy with glowing hands.

My only concern with the description is that the structure of the blurb makes the flow between paragraphs confusing. For your blurb, you started with a quote about the darkest hour before you shift the focus of the reader to Jinae. You provide a small glimpse of her background and the world that she lives in, but then you shift the focus to the event of the sun disappearing (a sentence that should create a big impact and open up the settng to your readers). After that, you shift focus again to Jinae. The flow between the paragraphs is not smooth, and this flow can take away the impact that you are going for.

You can imagine it like using a camera, focusing on a specific person, then zooming out abruptly before zooming into the person once more. The transition is not smooth. When it comes to blurbs, I do think that starting with a general view (like the incident of the sun disappearing) before moving into a more specific view (in this case, Jinae and the inciting incident) will create a smoother transition.

Overall, the Description is attention-grabbing though the flow between paragraphs is not smooth.

Plot {28/30}
When it comes to plot, your plot is definitely unique. The idea of the sun disappearing and people trying to survive this catastrophe is interesting and fun to read. I also like the subplots that you weave into the story like plot points for Kyungsoo, Jinae’s parents, and Chanyeol. The different subplots and the mysteries that you include in your story, I’m sure, keep your readers anticipating for chapters to solve the questions along with your characters. The different twists like Kyungsoo being alive and Chanyeol being afraid of bugs Jinae as Kyungsoo’s sister keep the story entertaining and fun to read.

While reading though, I still have a lot of questions regarding the background of the world itself. Though there were times where the background was given (like in the chapter where Jinae reads the story about the twelve deities), the background or history of the world was still not clear to me. For example, where did the monsters come from? The story mentions how the monsters came from the darkness, but how were they made? Where did they come from? Who made those monsters? Since it mentioned that the monsters came from darkness, I assumed that it meant when the sun was still there, the monsters weren’t, so the history of the monsters (how there can be different varities) and how they came to be weren’t explained.

[I also had questions regarding the werewolves in the story, since they weren’t explained thoroughly. Do these wolves subscribe to the usual idea of men who turn into wolves? And if so, how does this work if the moon is not visible in the sky anymore?]

The same goes to the history of the mages and the deities. It was mentioned (in chapter 20) that there have been twelve deities. and there were mages, but it wasn’t clear where the mages or deities came from. Where did the deities come from? Were the mages born from the deities (who had with humans) or were they a different race altogether? How did their powers manifest? Are their powers a change in genes (since it is mentioned by Chanyeol that the trait is hereditary) or a whole supernatural/cosmic thing that is simply born into mages? How do you determine who is a mage? Do they wear special clothing or do they have specific markings?

Another concept that is not described or explained [yet, I am guessing, but it has been mentioned a couple of times already in the story] is what happens when a mage cannot control their powers. In chapter 9 that Sihwan got “worse” day by day, but it was never elaborated. What happens? How does one get “worse”? What do you mean that he became “insane”? Perhaps you can add description there to capture and show vividly the risk of letting a mage’s power consume you.

[The next part, you can take with a grain of salt, and I would leave it out of the review, but it kept picking at my mind. If you do have an explanation for this, I encourage you to leave a comment!]

Next, there are also some things that aren’t explained regarding how  the land works after the sun disappeared. I do understand that the setting of a story is in a fictional world, so, like I said in the warning before this paragraph, you can take this comment with a grain of salt. I know I shouldn’t compare the world in your story with Earth, but seeing as I did have questions regarding how the world works there, I can't help but ask these questions. After Jinae was thrown out of the Fortress, she lands on dirt. She also sees flowing rivers and grass (as shown in chapter 2). When the sun disappears (or dies), naturally, the Earth would get colder and colder to the point that ice and snow would cover the ground since Earth does not have any other element to keep it warm like the sun would. [This is excluding the heat that other planets give off, but the changes that the heat from other plantes give off are close to nil.]

[Scientifically, after a year, the Earth would be around -73 degrees celsius or more (this is a vague estimation, and various sources provide various estimations, but this is sort of a base), I think. Please don’t quote me on this. Therefore, bodies of water would freeze and ice would form on the Earth's surface.  Also...yeah, I’m a nerd.]

Other phenomena shown in your story like rain (shown in chapter 11) would also not be possible since rain would need the sun to evaporate water to form clouds and such, which leads me to questioning how the world in the story works without the warmth that the sun gives.  

Again, just because the Earth would have these predications does not mean that your world would have them too, but this still leaves me with many questions on how the world in the story will cope with losing warmth and sunlight. Are there mages that keep the world warm enough so that it does not go into Ice Age? Is there magic working in the core of the world in a way that keeps it warm enough that the ground does not freeze and water can still evaporate to form rain?

[I also wonder what the name of the world and the different places are. We do tend to name places to show our power and territory, and I sort of doubt that the world itself wouldn’t have a name, but it is not shown anywhere in the story.]

Overall, the plot of the story is unique and intriguing. My only minor concerns are the details of the setting and the history of magic in the world. This concern doesn’t really destroy or hinder the plot, but having a clear idea of the world, the history, and the way magic works will help your readers become more immersed in the world that you have created.

Characterization {14/15}
I really commend you for making characters that are well-rounded. The personalities of the characters are clear, and they’re consistent in the story. For example, Jinae’s impatience and recklessness can be seen multiple times whenever she’s training with Chanyeol or when she charges head on in battle without thinking twice. It’s believable to the point where there are times that I get so frustrated with her. I did see the development though with Jinae where at first she’s a bit impassive with helping, but then we see her courage (though it is a bit reckless) at fighting things head on.

I am confused with her power, though. In the story, it is shown that she is an illusion weaver who can create and manipulate illusions [which I assume is like Zafrina from Twilight who can create and manipulate optical illusions], but I could not understand how she’s able to kill certain monsters. For example, in chapter 13, she killed lake demons by cutting them in half. How is this an illusion? What illusion was used? The same also happened in chapter 32 where she went after a demon with dark magic. There was a bang, and rocks fell, but I didn’t know what illusion she made to create that. Maybe it’s because the story is still on-going, but I couldn’t wrap my head around how she was able to kill those monsters using illusions.

When it comes to Baekhyun, he is a total mystery. We don’t know how he got his powers (he’s not a mage, so what is he?) or what he’s thinking most of the time. However, we do see how human and vulnerable he is. We see the development of how his goal went from simply surviving to protecting the people who he cares about.

My favorite character, which should come as no surprise, is Chanyeol. He is the annoying older brother who you can’t help but like, but if you admit that you like him, he would tease you for it. I love how sarcastic, straightforward, and snarky he is. He’s the comic relief in the story without being too class-clown or cheesy.

[I also support the idea of Chanyeol getting a love interest because my heart broke when he mentioned that he felt really lonely. #ProtectChanyeol2k17]

Grammar, Sentence Structure, & Word Choice {15/15}
There are only very minor mistakes in your work, and all of them are not big patterns of error. These issues do not hinder the story or the readability of your story, which is why I gave full marks. Here are some of the minor issues that I spotted [Although, I will not talk about these in-depth]:

1.Redundancy:

She turned to look behind her back, fear and terror slowly rising in her. (Chapter 2)

In the sentence above, you followed "turned to look" with "behind her,” but you followed it with “back.” This is redundant, and you should choose only one between the two.

2. Word Choice:

But with years of not using the sunlight and never letting it shine -- there were no negative affects on his body. (Chapter 9)

The word “affects” is a verb in present tense, but your sentence uses it as a noun. You should use the noun “effects” instead.

3. Typos:

Baekhyun had wanted to avoid getting any of Jinae’s help fighting -- they couldn’t afford another incident like the last -- but there were at least over fifteen Keres in the clearly. (Chapter 16)

The word “clearly” does not seem to fit in the sentence. I assume this is a typo, and you were supposed to type “clearing.” Make sure that you check for typos!

4. Subject-verb agreement:

Elf were supposed to be good creatures. (Chapter 16)

The verb “were” does not agree with your subject “elf,” since “were” is plural while “elf” is singular. You should use the plural form of your subject which is “elves.”

Again, these are only very minor. Your writing is simple and easy to understand. Good job!

Flow {9/10}
The pacing of the story is not too slow or too fast, and it gives readers enough time to catch up with the information that you are presenting. I like the pacing of the romance in the story. It’s subtle at first until it develops into them exploring and trying to figure out the new feelings they’re getting.

[Also, I saw the author’s note at the end of the latest chapter, and I don’t find the pacing of the romance in the last chapter fast. Baekhyun’s actions were sudden, but I don’t see that as fast pacing. You’ve already built up enough tension in the past chapters, so the kiss was paced well. I do hope that we see or understand how Baekhyun decided that he wanted to kiss Jinae soon so that the suddenness of the action is given an explanation.]

There is only one minor concern that I saw. The flow of some of your sentences is off or awkward. Take a look at these two paragraphs from your first chapter:

The mages’ magic kept them alive in more than one way. It was something Jinae also didn’t understand, but they were able to grow plants and fruits. In the middle of the Fortress, the fields stood.

Even so, the amount of food was limited. Hunger was something everyone had gotten accustomed to.

In the excerpt above, the sentence about where the fields are located are in an awkward place. The lines before the sentence talks about how the mage’s magic kept them alive n terms of growing plants and fruits, and the paragraph afterwards talks about the amount of food. The sentences before and after the line about the location of the fields have similar or connecting ideas. The sentence about the location of the fields cuts the flow of those ideas.

Here is another excerpt that shows the same concern:

Jinae often left to go outside with Baekhyun, but even as they travelled the route they had so many times, it felt painfully different. They trekked past the familiar stone walls of the Fortress, and Baekhyun didn’t disturb her when she stood in front of the stone structure and stared. Three weeks. She’d been with Baekhyun with three weeks, yet more had happened in those three weeks than anything had happened in my life. Three weeks had been life-changing.

Jiho hadn’t been her biological brother. In fact, Jinae wasn’t sure if she had any siblings related to her, or cousins, aunts, uncles. She didn’t even know her parents’ names, much less their faces. But being blood-related -- that was no way to determine family.

The stone was cold when she pressed her palm against it, and when she looked up, the wall seemed endless, stretching its arms into the darkness. (Chapter 11)

In the excerpt above, the first paragraph talks about how three weeks had passed (the focus of the paragraph is the present), but then the second paragraph starts discussing Jiho (focusing on the past). After that paragraph, you go back to the present and talk about the cold stone in Jinae's hand. The paragraph about Jiho is in an awkward place in the excerpt. This concern is the same as the concern in the Description and Foreword section; you can restructure the flow of the sentences or, in this case, you can connect the paragraphs together so that the ideas are cohesive. How does Jiho relate to the ideas of the three week trek or the cold stone in Jinae’s hand?

Presentation {5/5}
For presentation, I did not find any concerns. I like how the colors in the poster are yellows and blacks. It shows the contrast of darkness and light that is a big theme in your story. The dark tones of the poster also present the mystery that is woven in your story. Your Description and Foreword are neat, and there are no jarring blocks of text in your story. The size of the text is also easy to read. Good job!

Overall Enjoyment {8/10}
The premise and fantasy elements in the story certainly intrigued me. I also like the characters (especially Chanyeol, whoot whoot!) and the uniqueness of the story. Personally, the first part of the story felt slow for me (I didn’t include this in the flow since this seems to be more of personal opinion rather than an actual concern), but I do understand that it takes time for your readers to be able to acclimatize to the world in the story. The questions that I raised in Plot kept picking at my mind as I read the story, but I do hope that these will be given answers soon in the follow chapters. I would continue reading the story to find answers to the questions that persist in my mind and to know once and for all what exactly happened to the sun and where the heckle is Kyungsoo.


Overall: 92/100

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